Forgive me Lover (Inspired by a Song and a Bucket of Tears)

Dearest,

I'm listen to a band I think you would absolutely adore. I'm listening to a woman's voice screaming what I should have told you long ago. I'm listening to a man's voice hoping that it's you giving me what I honestly long for all along... forgiveness. 

This is the last stage. This is the last draw. This is where I swallow my pride and simply say:

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry for everything.

I'm sorry for not being what you thought I was. For the deception. It was due to pure longing to have your affections. To hope to be better than everyone. In the end, I just ended up as a party joke. A sad old rumor about a sad young girl.

I'm sorry for my immaturity. But don't worry, this experience has taught me well... isn't that what you always wanted to do? Teach me a lesson? I've paid my dues, I think. 

I'm sorry for thinking it was something more even though it was obviously not. I'm trying to repent and set the record straight. I think I fell in love with being old and now I can say that even though a lot would argue about my age and how 'young' I am, I'm wiser... I'm wiser because of what happened. I guess that merits a thank you. So, thank you.

I'm sorry for the embarrassment. Your actions have caused me my share as well. It's alright. Consider even. 

I'm sorry about never forgetting. I can't help it. My heart rules my head and if I had a choice, I'd leave this organ in my chest tucked in a chest under my bed. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for you being always on my mind... for hoping just a little tad more. I deserve better and you deserve someone truly older and wiser. 

We both deserve to be happy and as the memories in my head seem to fade (I barely remember what you look like, what was it that made me think that we were meant to be or what made me think that it was possible) I've come to realize that  we both deserve to go out of our way and forget. But before I do so, I ask, most humbly, for your forgiveness.

Forgive me, lover. Every now and then you're on my mind. Just every now and then.

Forgive me, my past lover. Thank you for the lessons on heartache. Thank you for the lessons on crying over something that never really existed. Thank you for the kiss, the peck, the smile, the knowing look and nights of possibilities beyond my world. I may have been a heart played but you are, with no doubt, what your profession is (even now, writing it is hard).

Forgive me, self for putting him up there in that pedestal you try so hard to crush. Let's face it. He's worth less than what we assume. He's the epitome of what we hate the most. However, the moment he calls, the moment you see him and he strikes conversation, you will be there. You will be happy answering his questions. You will think that it's all over and you can begin anew. And at that moment you will not remember this letter. You will not remember this post. You will remember this song keeping you company on this cold November night together with the three bottles of beer in front of you. 

But for the moment while I am still sane I ask for your forgiveness and will always remain to be...

... the one who constantly cares loves thinks of you,

S.A.

2013

"Laugh until we think we'll die. 

Barefoot on a summer night...

... Never could be sweeter than with you."

 -Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros, Home.

 

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ma8vcrvwcm1qzk4ruo1_500.gif

A few months ago, I made a declaration to the universe. Theoretically it was a very simple goal in which Holly thought was funny and Janey felt like it was totally me to say so.

I said that I'll get married by 2013.

I didn't say it simply because I was sad and lonely. I didn't say it because I was jealous with Janey's romance with Indie or Holly's superb sex life with his beau. I said it simply because I felt like I wanted it...

I know this is such a weird goal and it doesn't really go with my whole facade (nor my "By the time I reach 30 plan"). But, I'm so sick and tired of being against love or being stingy about it that I think this is the best time in my life to just take a leap of faith.

There were times when I don't believe in it (sometimes I still don't). I've seen enough broken and lifeless marriages in my lifetime to know that we don't always marry what we want. But, I still believe (as I told Janey), that I deserve and will have something as clear as water and as innocent as teddy bear hugs.

I guess, what I'm saying is that I more open to it at this very moment than I am most of the time.

That's a good thing, right?

Let's face it. I'll still fall in love with jerks, hypocrites and cry babies. I'm pretty sure one night stands with a couple of  mama's boys and all around A.holes will be involved. But then, at least I'm trying. I'm smiling while I'm trying and I won't be so negative about it.

When the situation is right... we will meet, my love.

Less than three months to go for 2013.

For the meantime, let me practice my nonchalant face (remove my searching eye) and flirting lines.

Practicing,

Someone Anxious

I think I lost my appetite...

If you buy a DVD of Sense and Sensibility (the 1995 version with Alan Rickman and Emma Thompson), you'll be able to view a deleted scene where Elinor talks to her mother on the hardships of knowing something despite expecting it to happen already.

I can tell you from experience that Elinor was absolutely right.

There is something about expecting something. Hoping that maybe it could be different. That maybe the inevitable might end out differently. Then there is that pang of regret (or maybe pain) upon finding out about something you knew was going to happen anyway. Maybe it comes from knowing that a deed is done. Something you actually wish would never happen is now irreversible.

I think I lost my appetite...

Someone Anxious.

Just say No.

If you are a 90's kid, do you remember those 5 minute cartoons about kids saying no?

I do.

It was this really short cartoon about kids avoiding bad things happening to them by saying no to strangers. With their conscience around (played by a moth/butterfly/bug - could never really figure it out), they safely go home after every episode.

From postsecret.com

And just like those children with their conscience lurking behind them, I said no.

Not because you are mysterious or dangerous. Not because I don't know you or that you seem to be the 'get you into trouble type' but because I do know you and I don't love you.

I can't.

I'm not that type of person.

And I could never ever be with you...

...because you've insulted me before and I'm sick and tired of this cycle.

Why? Because I want to be taken care of. I'm so fucking sick and tired of taking care of you. If you actually knew me at all you would have noticed that I want to be treated highly (yes, I am high maintenance). If you knew me at all you would have known that I hate splitting the bill and that I expect you to always pay for it (or even offer to pay for it as I will eventually decline and say I will pay half). If you knew me at all, you would know that I do not do make out sessions in a cab going home. Honestly, I'm sick and tired of making out in transit.

A bus.

A cab.

A car.

And honestly, I'm sick and tired of you.

A very angry,

Someone Anxious

A little literary inspiration: Dead Stars

"So all these years--since when?--he had been seeing the light of dead stars, long extinguished, yet seemingly still in their appointed places in the heavens."

Dead Stars by Paz Marquez - Benitez

One of the things I absolutely miss about school is being forced to read. I've always been a book worm and when I was younger, I would spend lunch breaks reading alone in a hidden corner near the library. I never really had school friends until I was a little bit older. 

I remember reading a lot of Filipino stories in English. In fact, one of my favorite books in the Elementary library would be the tales of Lola Basyang. Severino Reyes was an absolute favorite and I would spend each night reading his stories of princesses, robbers that are the best of friends and other Filipinos who seemed to have more adventures than I. I was always so jealous of them!

As I grew older and entered high school, my reading list started to be filled with books that were supposed to be a must read for every teenager. Of course, there was Harry Potter which I started reading when I was about in the fourth grade and that I absolutely love. Then there was Twilight (which never really followed me as I grew older) and there were the usual other books that you read simply because everyone else was reading them. Gone were the days that I could go to the library and read my favorite children's books. They were all located in the grade school library and borrowing Philippine history books just made you more of a nerd and that's the last thing you want to be in high school. 

When I was shipped off to the university, I was so happy that I was forced to read. It didn't matter that I was reading journal articles or the newspaper. Reading was a must to survive and sometimes, it even made you look cool. Looking back, the only reason why I even passed (aside from the fact that I always choose Jon to be my group mate) was because I read. 

What saddens me the most is the fact I will never have those days again. Gone are the days when I am forced to read... when I'm forced to learn. Maybe that's why I know I wan't a more learning centered life. Life without learning just makes me feel empty inside and it's so hard to explain to those around me. Some people even think it is crazy for me to think so. 

I may never have those days again but I surely have the many stories I have read over the years. Let me share with you one of my favorites, Dead Stars by Paz Marquez - Benitez.

What I absolutely love about this story is how I can always relate to Alfredo in the end. I hold on to things as if my life depended on it and I continue to look at the dead stars that seem to keep me company at night.

However, there's a part of me that's always a Julia when it comes to him. Today, he called and I can't help but be a little bit cold. I know he wonders what has changed... I know he thinks this every time we meet for a drink and a chat. What he never understood was, just like Alfredo, the loss was his and he has changed. He had held on far too long than he should and there was nothing left but the "what-ifs" the mind offers during solitary nights. We were young once. 

What he will never understand is that he is a force. A force that shook me and told me to be who I am. He has shaped and molded me to realize that the world is a cruel place and heroes don't really save you, they just wait for you. So forgive me if I'm not too happy or if I'm not too willing to help you out of your misery. I waited for you to save me once and honestly, I'm tired of waiting still. There are other lazier heroes out there who are worse but wouldn't be as hard headed as you. 

Let's get this over with.

Someone Anxious

When people ask you why...

...always answer why not.

source: brutaltits.tumblr.com

Since my 21 before 21 failed miserably (no regets though), I've decided to just make the best out of my 21st birthday. My mindset? Nothing and no one will ruin my mood and despite feeling down these past few days, I've decided to just let things be. Time to think about what I want, what could be the best for me and what I think will make it happy. 

Anywhoo... 

Last Saturday, I spent the day with my friends at the amusement park and when people remind me of him, I've come to realize that there is no point in denying it. I can be subtle about it and I can divert conversation. Still, at the end of the day, people will say his name and I just end up thinking about everything all over again. Why? Why him and why up until now? Simple. Why not? My friend, I hate the fact that if we talk about him, you say everything with disdain. There is nothing to hate. In fact, I find everything laughable. It's just that, I'm not like you and what might be easy for you, may not for me. Let's face it, I'm...

...Someone Anxious.

Cleansing Trip.

So, the only person who really knew about this trip was actually Holly. Janey and Jackie, I'm sorry if I didn't tell you guys but as Holly said, this is something too personal to share, even the planning and the reasons why.

Last weekend, I took a trip to his hometown so that I can finally cleanse myself of the idea of him. I know this seems crazy and such a weird way to get over someone but it worked and so far, I feel like I've done the right thing. I told everyone who asked about it that I was there to take photos of churches.

Let me explain why I thought, and still think, it was a good idea. Here's why and some of the things that happened to me:

I can't be constraint forever. Did you guys ever get that feeling that you can't go to a certain place simply because of him. You can't pass by this road because you're sure he's there or you can't go to this restaurant because you know he's there. Well, I've had enough of that feeling and I decided to go straight to the heart of the matter. I told everyone I was there for a lomo trip but truth is, I went because I just had to stop associating the place to him. I did have a pleasant trip. I rode the bus going to a neighboring town and although I did not understand what most people said during my jeepney ride going to my destination, I did meet a few people along the way. A mom and her son played as my tour guide. They went with me to the first church and even hired a tricycle driver to drive me to my next destination.

I had a lot of things to think about. I haven't been to church for awhile. I've stopped believing in organized religion ever since my experience with "All the Evil" happened. The last time I willingly went to a Church was for graduation and it wasn't really helpful experience either. Still, I church hopped around town to photograph some of the best facades I've ever seen. By the time I went to the second church, there was a wedding going on and I couldn't help but wait for the bride to walk down the aisle. It was refreshing to see someone so happy that day and for the first time in a long while, I was honestly happy for someone finding love. I wasn't bitter and I wasn't wishing for myself. As I was lighting a candle in the third church I went to, I couldn't help but think about sincerity and how sincere I am to a lot of people, even for him. I've come to accept that I fucked it all up and it was accepting that fact that I had to do. Guess what? I've finally accepted it by the way. :)

I had to kill the hope of a happily ever after. It's almost like in 500 days of summer when Tom went to Summer's party and he had all these thoughts of what should happen. I admit. The part of me who wanted to go there was hoping for that happily ever after moment. I think I finally moved on and I now know that the world does not do happily ever after. It rarely does. The world gives you real situations and by going there and not seeing him made me swallow the death of an expectation. Cheers to that!

By the time I got back to the city, he asked me if we could meet. We had coffee and as he talked about what's been happening to him and how he's sorry he had to cancel last Friday for her. As I told Holly, for the first time in awhile, I did not feel like killing him nor did I even feel remotely annoyed at him. By cleansing myself of him I was also able to cleanse myself of what it could be like if he wasn't like this or if he wasn't like that. The funny thing is, he did sort of propose and if he did this a few months back, I would have risked it all and said yes. The thing is, during the trip, I prayed to become stronger and less naive. I think God granted my wish because I stood my ground as I broke his heart and told him that it really isn't him that I want to be with. There was just that feeling that really made me say no and as people wiser than me always told me: when in doubt, never.

Moving forward,
Someone Anxious.

P.S. I'm never going to go for a Brazilian again!

Surprises.

Two days into the year and so far, my horoscope got it right. Yesterday, the first day of the year, I received a very nice surprise from someone unexpected proving to me again that life is indeed unpredictable. I'm so happy to know that the universe constantly reminds me of certain people we should never forget about... even if they are no longer with us.

Warning: Highly Nostalgic Post.
If my math is right, it's been five years since All the Evil started and I feel like things are finally okay. I am at peace with the world and I've come to accept that life as I knew it was never meant to last. I've waved the Camelot dream goodbye and even though I now try to make my own dreams a reality, I will never ever forget about him King Arthur and how he taught me to live. I'll miss our coffee sessions, our banter and our lambingan. I'll always miss those afternoon phone calls checking up on me and asking how school was. I no longer look back at such memories in a negative light. These memories are now positive reminders - reminding me of what I want my own Camelot to look like.

The man I want to be with? The man that highly reminds me of him because I know no better man than him.

Someone Anxious.

Looking back on old love... or lack thereof.

I've been thinking about him and how I feel like I missed my chance. I remember the day that I met him. It was one of the most random meetings and I was too busy thinking about everything that happened that day to even speak properly. John Mayer's Love Song for No One nailed it right and now I think I could have missed my chance and watched him walk away.

I envision my curves taking the mic.

Allow me to say:

I love the fact that even though I have flabs, my curves are predominantly present. Wearing a nice tight-fitting dress always make people notice that I am a woman... a beautiful woman in fact. The dream is to get enough money to buy more dresses that highlights my curves. Finally enrolling myself to a gym would be nice too.

I'll be speaking on behalf of my old college org next week and I can't help but wonder what people would think of me. I won't know everybody there and I certainly am not chummy chums with the Vice Dean or the Academic Assistant. I will still know quite a few people there... An old block mate and a close friend, younger kids who took up the same course, the guy who did his OJT here in my office and a lot of other peeps who think I'm living the consultancy dream.

 Holly and I talked about this last week and she told me to just be honest about the whole thing. They shouldn't be expecting rainbows and butterflies, especially when I know for certain that it won't be even near to that. So far, I've drafted my supposedly speech (I'm not even sure if I'm actually giving a speech of sorts but I prepared it just in case) and I think I've gone as honest as I can without hurting anyone. I'm not killing the "dream" but I'm not exaggerating with myself. I wrote down why I honestly choose the course (Yes, Holly. Aside from the fact that you told me it will help me enter the university, it was the long name of the degree program that sealed the deal). I also wrote down how one should be open to change. The degree is really flexible and you can, if you want to, find yourself in other career paths that you never really thought possible. 


I think you guys will hate me for writing this (that's you Holly, Janey and Jackie) but I do confess that one of the reasons why I want to look good, sound good and feel good for myself that day is because I want to see him and him see me. I want to sort of prove my self even though there is really nothing to prove. I think about nights passed by and I wonder if they really even did happen. To be honest, I do want it to happen again.


Still, I've grown a little and I won't be calling. I won't go through that again even if I do want it to happen. I think I've been burned enough to know that the fire is hot and it is not to be played with. I think I've come to accept that I fell in love with an idea and not the person itself (I will never really admit it outright though).


Moving on,
Someone Anxious

The Romantic In Me...

...Just wanted to say:

I could have been your friend.

I've been thinking about you. What else is new? I've been thinking about you for over a year now and I'm beginning to think that maybe the cards are right. They've been right so far.Around the same time last year, I was so hung up on you that I asked a friend to tell my fortune. It was all fun and laughs at first (I never really thought of it seriously) until now that I realized everything he said came true.

The reading goes like this: I am interested in two completely different men. An older man and a younger one. The older one brings out the passion in me and he will be the one I choose despite the presence of a younger man who can give me the security I crave. In the end, I will end up with no one.

True.

Sometimes I wonder about foreshadowing and how life seems like a tunnel filled with signs of what's to come. Sometimes I wonder about how I could have missed it? How could I have missed all the signs telling me I can never have you or him. Sometimes I think about that night and how nights before that were different. A million other girls and a million other nights. I was just one of them.

I've been listening to that song we both were drawn to that night and I think about how Norah Jones couldn't have put it better when she said: Yeah, you're great, you're just par of this lifetime of dreaming. I'm pretty sure I will stop dreaming of you one day. I'm pretty sure I'll get over this whole thing of feeling used. After all, feeling used is better than feeling useless and at least I know I did something (almost everything) to try.

I can't help but cry every time I hear this: Can I stay until the milkman's working? Can I stay until the cafe awakes? Do you hate me in the light? Did you get a fright when you looked across from where you lay? I was really hoping for more but not too much. More of like a respectable understanding. I was hoping to stay longer, maybe a few days, a week... maybe forever. Maybe you really didn't like what you saw and I can't blame you for that. Just so you know, despite your knobby knees, I cared.


I am like the best friend in Harry met Sally. He's never going to leave her. Yes. Accept it. Hey, at least she gets her happy ending.

Waiting for mine,
Someone Anxious

That white dress.

I believe that every girl dreams to wear one from time to time. I certainly do. I'm a little bit bipolar when it comes to the L word. Sometimes I crave for it, sometimes I absolutely abhor it. Same goes for the W word and the M word. Recently, I've been feeling a bit put out because I've come to realize that I don't want anyone but I hate being alone. 

Is this a sign that I am undecidedly young? Maybe. Honestly, I don't know anymore... I don't know what the fucking hell do I absolutely want. I no longer want him. I am no longer searching for him. I am no longer thinking of the many others before him. 

Maybe this time around, it's just supposed to be me.

Someone Anxious. 

Random Fridays.

I believe I have this all figured out. I'm pretty sure I have. You are the most random person I know and I guess that's what I need. I am no longer 18 and hoping nor am I 20 and naive. I am 50 stuck in a 20 year old's body and that's why you feel compelled to hang out with me from time to time. I'm young enough to give you an ego boost and mentally old enough not to need you as the others (or as I previously did) do.

You are not the person I would call when I feel like I need to have a boost myself. If so, I'd call you everyday and you'd just hate that. I'll call you when I feel like there is no other person in this world who would like to hang out with me on a Friday night. Don't get me wrong, you are not my last resort. Actually, you are my first but I'm just to fucking manipulative to actually beg you to spend a few hours with me. Besides, you'll just hate that and tell everybody else about how I begged and begged for your company.

I'm past that, don't worry.

I love the fact that I am no longer compelled to have this fairy tale fantasy about you. I love the fact that I no longer think of myself as a victim. I am nothing more than but a person who likes to be with you from time to time.

I like talking to you because talking to you means more than the usual innuendos and corporate jokes. Talking to you means trying to catch up, wondering what's happening with people we both know and simply trying to understand what ticks the other person off without being frank about it.

One thing irks me though...

...Why do you keep asking about my views on having a boyfriend every time we meet?

A little bit flustered,
Someone Anxious

Focusing on "him"

I've decided to revamp the way I write in this blog. From now on, I won't give code names to the many guys I meet. I'll just use "him" and it will be up to you (mostly Holly, Janey and also my non-existent readers) to figure out who him is in a specific post.

Someone Anxious.

A Random Advice from a Random Person

A very nice soul I’ve randomly met told me that there is no need to wait for you. He told me that there is no need for me to waste my time with you. I believe he told me that there is always one person for someone and if after showing you that I am here and you don’t move, you are not the one for me.

He reassured me that I am young, I am beautiful and I am myself. There is no need to fret over the idea of you because that idea is not “the one” I should be hoping for. I’ve done everything I could. The ball is in your court and you are not tossing it back so I guess that’s that.

The thing is, I never told you how much I really care or want to be with you. I never really showed you, I was never really frank with it because one of the rules you laid out was to be subtle (which I failed miserably).

Let me write it down although I know you’ll never read this or I’ll never really have the courage to say it to you. At least, in this universe it was set in stone.

I do care for you, immensely as a matter of fact. I don’t dare call it love because I sometimes don’t believe it myself. I think you’re an ass for making me look like a fool to all of them. You don’t know how much it hurt to know that you just made fun of very sincere intentions. I hate the fact that I was just one of them, one of the million girls to prove your manhood. I was sincere. I sincerely cared and if you didn’t think so little of me (as I feel you do) you wouldn’t be alone (as I feel you are not anyways) and you would have someone who really doesn’t care about age, weight, hair and everything else in between (does she sincerely care as I do?).

I am not waiting although the idea of the car you drive, the restaurant we were supposed to go to and the idea of having more constantly haunts me until no end. You have no idea how men like you make me feel so miniscule. I guess I know someone is worth my time when they do everything the opposite. I know when someone is worth my time when I don’t feel so used after.

To love and things that feel like it,

Someone Anxious

Of Cars and Restaurants.

Exactly how many cars are there that match yours? Exactly how many branches of the same restaurants you promised to go are there? Fuck it!

This weekend, I'm supposed to take a leap of faith and see if the odds are against or with me. I'm not going to talk about it outright (because I might just jinx it) but I think things will be alright. :)

Just realized this is such a bipolar post.

Someone Anxious. 

Enough. (Another 'him' post)

“When in doubt, don't.” - Benjamin Franklin

Almost died when I saw him online. Finally, a chance to follow-up and ask him about his trip. The thing is, there was this voice in my head that told me that it wasn't a good choice. Even if I felt so game (after getting waxed yesterday, I felt like I can rule the world) for anything, it just didn't feel right. 

I should be sure about these things. 

Called the Fool and she straightened me out right away. No more hurting. No more making the first move that will just lead to rejection. Enough.

Well. Let's see. Really don't know what else to do. Oh well. Maybe another waxing session is in order. 

Deadline Over.

Today marks the end of me hoping for him to remember that we were supposed to go out. Oh, well. I really don't want to be that person that runs after him. Sick and tired of chasing pavements (Adele anyone?). I don't want to make him assume that I'm easy (even if I really am). Honestly, I just wanted to be special to him. I wanted to be the girl on top of his list, but what's the point? He probably has a long list of other girls wanting the same thing.

Bastard.

I hate that I love him.

I'll be celebrating his forgetfulness by getting a wax later and probably buying something nice for myself (new dress, maybe?). Not really sure if I can live with another sign from the universe that he's not in to me. I just hate feeling rejected like this. Well, it is better than being rejected outright.

Other news: Mr. Ex txted me last night. I thought he was going to ask if I'd like to have dinner again (right now, it doesn't really sound that bad) but as it turns out, he was just going to rant about his girlfriend. Ass. Honestly, can't he take a hint? Conversation topics with ex-girlfriends DOES NOT include current girlfriend/s or liaisons.. What's the point of catching up when you just repeat the same story all over again.

This is why I don't like telling him about my personal life anymore. It's either he becomes depressed because it's not him or he doesn't remember because (I honestly think) that he just cares about himself. Why is he still hung up on me? Because he will finally get what he always wanted. Did it ever occur to him about what I wanted? Right now, I'm beginning to think that I no longer want to communicate with him.

Will I honestly meet anyone worth it?

Someone Anxious.

Who said anything about love? (Crushes and Kisses)

I've had a crush on this guy for about a week and a few days or so now. I met him during my first few days in the office and the only thing I could think of was "Wow. This guy is so funny." It is quite impossible though (going out with him, I mean). After all, I'm the new kid and he's a bit older than me (yeah, what's new?). Days passed and he was so friendly to me and the other newbie that I guess you can say that we are more than acquaintances now.

A few days ago (thanks to my probing questions), I found out he had a girl friend and although I was a bit disappointed, it didn't really bother me as much as seeing his facebook wall full of comments from his ladies. Today, I passed by (I dub him) Mr. Office and he gave me a good morning high five. At first it was all fun and games but he never let go of my hand. It wasn't awkward or anything. Just really funny... Then he said that my hands were really soft (thank you hair polish... hair polish and not lotion) and my boyfriend was really lucky.

I actually laughed at this. I know he was trying to be "happy" flirtatious (he really is and everyone knows about that... sort of used to it by now), but he was just really funny and how he executed the line was hilarious.Of course, I cleared things up and said I didn't have a boyfriend. I did insinuate that whoever the bastard is, he is lucky.

Funny how the idea of a crush change over time. Somehow I think they're like kisses... the more you have one, the less special they become... the less they mean anything about love. I remember having crushes when I was younger and whoever I had one on meant that I was nearing to falling in love with him. Like kissing. When your younger, you think that the person you kiss is actually (dare I say it?) 'the one.' When you're older, a crush maybe a friend you think is pretty hilarious (Mr. Office), a guy you think you can hang out with (the Kid) or someone you think will be okay in the future (Mr. Ex). When you're older, crushes don't necessarily mean anything about love...

...and I feel the same way with kisses.

Kisses don't mean as much to me as they did before. If so, why would a peck from him mean so to me?

Does he really mean that much to me?
Someone Anxious.