Stars (Dear Fool)

Dear Fool,


The stars are up and I'm beginning to vent everything out in this blog. 



I just wrote a really long one about security which was inspired by your post earlier. I just had an epiphany. I am secured. In a way, I feel security in knowing that things are no longer like before. I am more aware of what it takes to enter something. I am more sensitive with how I think and what I do. In a way, I am more mature. The thing is, I am still not whole and as you know, being whole does not really rely on finding your soul mate (we both don't believe in that whole 'you complete me' thing going on). I guess, completeness comes when you realize that you are no longer looking.

Maybe that's why I call myself 'Someone Anxious' because I'm always eager to enter something, anything for the sake of experience.

I realized that this journey will only end when I have accepted that I am what I need to be to function. I have to be able to show myself out of this misery alone. Waiting for him is fruitless. Waiting for anyone to show me the stars at night is fruitless. Waiting in general is fruitless.

I still have a long way to go. 

Still waiting,
Someone Anxious.

Security

And all you can do is just wait by the moon and bleed if it's what she says you oughta do.

- Here's looking at you, kid by The Gaslight Anthem   

The Fool inspired me to talk about safety and how growing up makes you feel like loosing that sense of security you feel about everything. Back when I was young, everything was linear. Everything was one tracked and thus, easy to figure things out. You meet someone, you start liking them, you spend time with them, you begin something more personal, a small misunderstanding, a big fight and then the break-up. 

Now, I realized that everything is different. One does not necessarily lead to another. I guess, in a way, growing up has taught me that you have the ability to not make everything linear. Although, you have to be more cautious because now, it's double the pain. You will hurt more and you will cry more simply because more emotions are invested, more risks are involved and you are gambling on a game that you always loose upon playing the first round. 

I'm thinking about it now, is this journey to find what we are looking for worth it? Is getting our hearts crushed and crying our hearts out every night worth it? Why do we keep looking for that special someone, our prince charming? Why do we keep falling in love with him and him and him and him even if we know that there is no way in this world they will ever even like us back? Why do we keep searching for that perfect moment, that moment that makes our heart stop and allows us to grin like fools amongst random strangers we encounter. 

Because it's all worth it. 

And if waiting is what I have to do to get back into your good graces or for you to realize that I'm here and that I may be hurt but just one call, just one explanation can fix everything then I'm here.

I'm waiting.

Waiting

As pointed out by my friend, waiting takes a toll when it comes to finding him. I guess being in such a society where it is the man who finds you, there is still that whole thing hanging above my head. I know I say I'm a modern woman and that if you like somebody, make the move and go for it. Be decisive. Take initiative. Still, deep down, it's still nice to find somebody who likes you without lifting a finger.

I know what you're thinking. There's probably someone out there who is attracted to me and I just don't know it. Afterall, millions of men you come into passing each day and I just don't know it. I may have locked eyes with said person already. Still, it would be nice if I find someone nice who likes me and I like him without lifting a finger.

Too demanding,
Someone Anxious.