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This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin

Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in

Now you're outside me you see all the beauty

Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose

I chose to feel it and you couldn't chose

I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news

From a house down the road, from real love

Thinking about it now, I can't seem to find a more fitting song than Stars' Your Ex-Lover is Dead. Although I'm not saying he's dead literally but I think it's more of really realizing that the things you sort of hope that was there isn't really there.

I'm sure I'm not making sense to you (my interested albeit few), reader. If you don't know me that well, I probably won't. The best way I can explain it is that, now, I feel like I'm getting a part of me back by loosing something totally different. I do feel bad because my "liberation" came with a fake one.

Frances once quipped how liberating a carnival ride was for her and we laughed it off because we survived the experience. In hindsight, it was no laughing matter. Frances was one of the most silent and proper individuals I know. It was indeed liberating for her, but it was also liberating for me to break the idea that this friend is simply my prim and proper friend. I don't want to "process" this too much (as we say in my line of work). But I think it all boils down to the idea that a lucid moment can come from all the madness of everyday life and a random plan with someone you hoped would be different by now.

I've also come to accept that in any relationship - we cannot and should not change the person. Regardless if it's for the night, a month with a card, and a number of years - we bond (for lack of a better term) because we know that they are worth it and not because they are ideal. I think people have the tendency to hope for someone to change for them because it is portrayed as the most romantic gesture of the lifetime. Now, more than ever, I just find it stupid. People change on their own, for their own reasons. Real character is measured by this and not by those around the person. We just always assume that we are worth the change but maybe in reality, we are not worth anything at all.

We cannot stop people from changing. I'm not the same person that I was when our hands, held together by the idea that sweaty palms were romantic, were hidden from view care of our Jansport bags. The same way I've come to accept that you will never be the man you thought you would be, I think it's high time you accept I'm no longer the girl who had carefree thoughts on how to rule the world.

Thank you for the night. Thank you for the future nights. But more importantly, thank you for helping me understand my changes a little bit better.

Knowing that something cannot be because you actually tried to make it work is indeed liberating. Knowing that there are, indeed, things you just don't want simply because you don't want them in it is also liberating. Knowing that you are ready for a different one, a someone that you know might not be the one, is the most liberating thought of all.

I'm sorry if you're not the one.

Taking leaps,

Someone Anxious

Lights Out

We don't have forever

Baby daylight's wasting

You better kiss me

Before our time is run out

Nobody sees what we see

They're just hopelessly gazing

Baby take me

Before they turn the lights out

It's been a while since I've blogged about more personal endeavors. Although I've been pouring all my efforts in my food blog, there are things that I feel like I should share in this semi-private hole in the internet.

I've been thinking about moving lately.

Like physically moving, changing locations and leaving everything behind.

Since I've accepted that I won't be up for the "prestigious" scholarship (thank you very much, people who care), I've been thinking about just following my dream and moving to a totally different place. My mom has been sharing how they're planning to buy a home in the suburbs and I'm thinking that maybe in a year's time, I can comfortably follow.

There's just so many uncomfortable things running around here.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this from time to time. But honestly, I want to clear my head and I know for a fact that I can't clear it here. I feel like despite the smiles, I'm slowly burning myself out. I'm tired of trying to make an effort of having a good time or feeling like my old self when those things SHOULD come naturally to everyone.

People say it's because I'm growing up. I like to think that it's only because I'm growing old. When people say age is just a number and you know for a fact that it isn't, I think that's a sign. I'm scared because I'm starting to forget. I'm forgetting not just the actual number, but what should be experienced with it. I worry about too many things that doesn't matter. I start paying to take those long walks I know I could have for free. Then I start making a big deal out of it because I know it should be free. It's a cycle and I know for a fact that I don't want to be part of it.

I've come to realize that it is not in the process of losing everything, but rather, in the process of gaining everything that we loose who we are as individuals.

I guess, I just want to be preventive rather than reactive. I've learned to take multivitamins for my body. Maybe, I should earn courage for my soul.


Working on to be,

Someone Anxious.

So Broke… But So Happy

Alexi mentioned this to us on our way home from such a random weekend day out. We were both short on cash and were highly dependent on our friend Jayt on the transport back home (my place) from the mountains.

The thing is: we were sincerely happy.

Let me tell it from the start:

Holly, Janey, Jackie and our friend CC planned this Halloween party. We (well, more of Holly), rented out a venue and invited people to come and spend the Saturday before Halloween with us. I thought it would be nice to also invite Frances and the group since we barely see each other during Halloween. So the plan was, Queenie goes to my apartment Saturday morning. Holly and the gang join us in the afternoon to pack candy bags (our giveaways) and then we will proceed to the venue. Frances and the rest (meaning Alexi) would follow as my guests.

For the party, Holly did a spectacular job organizing everything. Although, at some point I guess people kept ordering so we had a little “overspill”, I would still like to consider it as a success since people got free drinks, food and photos to remember the night.

I also joined what I mentally called as, the gasoline challenge. Holly bought this really cheap ass tequila that tasted and smelled like gasoline to me. I remember the four of us finishing a bottle once but I have no memories as to how it happened or what I did after. So for a good time, I decided to join and as it turns out, I was the only woman to join. Luckily, I got booted during the second round so I still had my wits with me while talking to Frances and the group.

I guess at this point, everything was going as I thought it was. But the thing with my brain, it only processes until a certain point. For example, during our trip to the beach and I was in charge of transportation, I prepared the going there but never the going home…  It didn’t come as a surprise that after the party, I ended up with Frances, Queenie, Alexi and Jay in a KTV place somewhere in the city. Needless to say, we went back to my place at around 4am equipped with the best kind of bedroom voice – a tired one.
We woke up at around 9am and had a very late lunch. We were looking for things to do and we just ended up going up to the mountains and on top of one of the largest Ferris wheel in the country. Can I just say, I’m not a big fan of heights? I really don’t like heights. I love roller coasters and rides but when it’s slow moving rides like the Ferris wheel or a stagnant view deck (SG’s Marina Bay Sands view deck for example), I just simply hate them. I get woozy, I feel like I’m falling (slow motion) and I’m more of a ground person. So I guess, during this random road trip up to the mountains and on a Ferris wheel, I somewhat conquered my fear of heights.

All in all, it was a nice long weekend to remember. Immediately the day after (less than 12 hours since we slept), I went up the mountains again with my uncle and grandmother for a simple brunch and walk around the outlet stores. I got a dress for a friend’s upcoming nuptials and although it will cost me a limb and arm to pay off (my uncle paid for it but I did promise to pay him back before the year ends), I’m glad. Seeing the look on my uncle and my grandmother’s eyes as I wore a perfect fit dress was priceless. Sharing a once in a lifetime Ferris wheel ride with Frances and Queenie, priceless. Playing video games with Jay and Alexi, priceless. Most importantly, continuing our Halloween tradition (Holly, Janey, Jackie and even CC), absolutely priceless. As Alexi said it: “I’m so broke, but I’m so happy…”

Another long weekend is upon us and I’m off to meet with my sister next Saturday (yes, she’s back – she’s back every month). I’m to pick her up in the airport and then we’re planning to have lunch in the city.
Looking forward to another priceless weekend,

Someone Anxious.