You've Got Thoughts...

Dear Friend,

I've just had one of those days where my inner Kathleen Kelly resurfaced... Maybe it's too little 'You've Got Mail' or too much Sam Smith's Lonely Hour. Either way, it did not feel good and it seems  that there's no one to talk to about it.

Christmas is fast approaching and everyone has something to do or someone to meet. So many things are fast approaching and with the hustle and bustle of the city, I'm left wondering if being lonely is such a good thing - especially now.

Today, another tipping point was ticked off and the blues took me over on my way home. Sometimes, I just wish you were there to talk to me, tell me that it's okay to have a meltdown. Sometimes, I wish you were there to because I needed someone. Anyone.

Where are you?

Someone Anxious

Meat of Back Wards

Let's take a Risk:

Dear friend,

Only so few really do take the time to read and I guess I owe it up to you to share some things that we never do get the time to talk about.

I've been working hard you see. Not just with work but the blunt of the matter is: I've been working hard to stay positive as well. And yesterday - the day that all my hardwork should have paid off -
they've decided to just be frank and I end up feeling inadequate in so many levels instead.

"What's the point?"

I keep asking myself this as I lay awake at night. Apparrently I've reached the point of no return and (if I do say so myself) forward. It is sad because I honestly feel like I've been working under false pretenses.

What hurts is that apparently, the person you've defended, supported above everyone else and looked up to is assumed your enemy. I am in no competition but myself because I want to be good with what I do. That is the truth. I believe there are no comparisons and I wished that people never assumed what goes on in my head. Angry, I am not. Hurt and betrayed, I do feel. I may be young but that does not always equate to foolish. I know that I've given up so many goals for this that the truth is: it is no longer worth it.

Dearest friend, one thing I will regret is that I will surely miss you.

You have been constant light during the past two years (I dare not count my experiences prior). Your presence has made all the differences in the world and I am and always will be grateful. I wish to keep in touch but it is already hard when we work for the same person, what more when we are in two different cities?

So, let me say that the most I can offer is to be sincerely thankful and my prayers will always include you and your sister. I would also like that you remeber me from time to time. Maybe say a short prayer as I take this risk. You will be in my thoughts always and with that in mind, I do not feel leaping forward all alone...


...Someone Anxious

Dear friend,

For a moment I couldn't help it. I suddenly checked his profile and here it is again. That feeling of hurt that moves you to tears late at night when you're all alone in bed wishing things were different. Will it always be like this? I know I've been telling people that I want to take the high road... that I don't want to wish him ill will despite what he did. But the truth is, I still care and I think for some time, I still will.

Is it so wrong to care? Honestly? Am I being to saintly about this? I'm not saying I should be a martyr of sorts but it's just so goddamn hard to not care about somebody you obviously do. I'm not defending him and what he did. I'm not saying that such actions are acceptable or that it should always be forgiven. It's just that... despite what he did, I care.

I'm not saying that I'm stupid enough to want to be with him or meet up yet again. I'm also not saying that I'm crazy enough to just focus on him and let my world revolve around him. What I'm actually saying is that I'm over it. I wish him well despite what he did and I know I dug my own grave. Let's just say, we're even.

I guess in a way, my journey starts here. I have accepted the fact that it's time to move on and now, I am moving on. Let's not wallow in misery, anger and hurt. Let's not think about the pain and how much it hurts to find out that genuine concern and trust were repaid by the superficiality of  the ego.

I have learned my lesson.

Until then dear friend,
Someone Anxious.