A few months ago, I made a declaration to the universe. Theoretically it was a very simple goal in which Holly thought was funny and Janey felt like it was totally me to say so.
I said that I'll get married by 2013.
I didn't say it simply because I was sad and lonely. I didn't say it because I was jealous with Janey's romance with Indie or Holly's superb sex life with his beau. I said it simply because I felt like I wanted it...
I know this is such a weird goal and it doesn't really go with my whole facade (nor my "By the time I reach 30 plan"). But, I'm so sick and tired of being against love or being stingy about it that I think this is the best time in my life to just take a leap of faith.
There were times when I don't believe in it (sometimes I still don't). I've seen enough broken and lifeless marriages in my lifetime to know that we don't always marry what we want. But, I still believe (as I told Janey), that I deserve and will have something as clear as water and as innocent as teddy bear hugs.
I guess, what I'm saying is that I more open to it at this very moment than I am most of the time.
That's a good thing, right?
Let's face it. I'll still fall in love with jerks, hypocrites and cry babies. I'm pretty sure one night stands with a couple of mama's boys and all around A.holes will be involved. But then, at least I'm trying. I'm smiling while I'm trying and I won't be so negative about it.
When the situation is right... we will meet, my love.
Less than three months to go for 2013.
For the meantime, let me practice my nonchalant face (remove my searching eye) and flirting lines.
2. To revive or renew: rekindled an old interest in the sciences.
Wow. I guess miracles do happen and when things aren't looking up in one circle of your life, you sort of get blessed in another.
It's been a rekindling month of sorts. After weeks of not having enough time to see my friends, I was able to move in to my apartment, celebrating with Holly and Janey for most of the time. Had my first official sleepover with Holly in addition to meeting up with my college gang (with celebrating my friend Queenie's first time to join us in our Friday Night Outs). Plus, yesterday, an old friend called and although it was work related, it was quite nice to hear someone and go back to old tricks.
What's more amazing is that I am currently spending time with someone I never honestly thought I will ever see again. For those of you who knows, please don't place anything here. I want to talk about this moment as vaguely as possible for "security" and emotional purposes.
~
I honestly never thought that I will ever get to see you again. I thought that the days of thinking about happier days are what's left in our relationship. Thinking about it now, I realized that when I last saw you, I cried \what was left of everything and just decided to forget about everything and accept that there are things in this world we will never get to have and happy endings are nothing but happy endings. No more dreams of what I could be... when we last saw each other, they were replaced of what should be.
Then, you called with news that I never thought I would hearr. You called and all of a sudden, everything was a lot more better to swallow. Don't get me wrong, I still constantly think about what I lost and everything that happened. I still feel the shame and embarrassment. No need to hide that and I think you know. However, when you called and I saw you greeting me with open arms, I've come to realize that there is no need to wallow in the self-pity I dose myself with every time I take a cab ride to what I now call "home". There is no need to be sad because things are finally looking up (thank God!).
I see the old you. The you that I tell everyone if they ask about you. I see the old smile, no longer the lazy eyes and the conniving grin. I see the you that stayed at home for my birthday despite the need to work. I see the you that would give me a hug and kiss once in a while before I fell into a deep slumber. I see the you that I miss. The you that always had a preoccupied mind, always half-listening to my ideas simply because you were busy with your own. God! How I missed you! I'm so happy that finally, I have you again and that I know, despite the hardships of the past, the present and the future, things will be alright in the end.
We are so much alike. Out of everyone, I think I was the one who was influenced the most by your bad traits. I think that's why people like to warn me. I think that's why people would always keep me a little bit more closer than to my comfort. I think that's why, they shielded me from the worst. And because of this, I thank the powers that be. I'd rather be blissfully ignorant than never ever have this moment, this feeling, again.
You never used to give me hugs. Rarely. In fact, that made my relationship with him so much better (oh, the irony!). He would hug me, tease me and tuck me in like a child (by force I think as we had no choice). But he would never ever talk to me like you would. There was always something about our conversations that made me who I am today. You would always counter me (which made my logical reasoning a tad higher), talk to me about money (which helped me with numbers) and challenged me to work on things from scratch (which made me a little bit entrepreneurial but I'm still lazy). Like last night, I told you about this business venture I'm really excited about. In the middle of my detail-oriented story, you stood up and made a phone call. Then and there I knew, you love me enough to tell me that the concept is hazy and that it is confusing to someone with no idea of it... plus the details are too much. God! How I miss that!
I know there are things still left unsaid about the past. I'd rather not think or talk about it. I'd rather remember this and start with happy memories. I'm not saying this is healthy. I'm not saying that this should be the norm. But it's just who I am. I love you this way.
Now that I think about it, your offer is quite amazing. I can do what I should do and live the way I should live but then again, I don't completely trust you yet. How is that possible? How is it possible to love you so much that I am willing to walk through hell for you but not trust as I trust the security guard of my work building?
burned by all the fake lovers that you had before.
They put you down and gave you hate...
Don't believe the things they say 'cause baby, you're a dream, you're a score.
'Cause I would walk a million miles for you, just to visit you, baby.
And I'll show you a trillion stars, the Moon is ours.
I just want to engrave this in stone because I believe I've encountered something completely real and amazing. In my lifetime, I met two people who love each other unconditionally... with every semblance of what adults would call "puppy love" but, with all the maturity, hardships and pain most of them will never encounter in a lifetime.
Janey has found love.
And I'm writing this because I am happy for her. I've never been this happy for a friend. In a way, I love Janey (not in the whole lesbian way because I'm so sick and tired of people thinking I am). I love her and it's the type of love that is never jealous (yes, you can quote the bible verse). I love her because out of all my friends, she's the one who has been there through thick and thin. She understood everything and tried anything you would suggest to her. Unlike Holly, who you can term as my other half (again, not in a lesbian way), Janey is more of my subtle conscience. I have never been mad at her the same way me and Holly fought over a shirt (up to this day we still don't know if it is red or orange).
When she first told me about Indy (get it?), I assumed. Yes, I was ass for doing so. But I did anyway.
But seeing them for the first time and reading all about it made me realize that everything I thought was true is wrong. Boy, was I wrong BIG TIME. People can find love in the strangest of places, fall in love in the most unconventional way and find that movie script moments like most of us would hope for but was taught we will never achieve.
We fall in love. We do. And Janey and Indy's showed me that there is nothing to be absolutely bitter about. There is nothing to over think about. In fact, there is nothing to think about. We feel it because it should be the way it is. We over rationalize it because we're scared and sometimes, taking the plunge should just be how it should be.
Tears are just part of the story. They make good beginnings (just like in Little Manhattan where the kid bawls his heart out in the beginning). But, just like in any well written story, there's a reason why it's there. Maybe it will lead you to happier times, subtle realizations or simply, a night out with friends. Regardless, one thing remains true.
Janey, love. I'm here for you. Yes, Someone Anxious (your very self-centered and over zealous, trying hard to be famous but doesn't want to admit it friend) is here for you. A bag of chips? An all meat pizza or maybe just simple rum and red under the night sky? I can only imagine the pain of distance and if there's anything I can do (maybe even never mention it again), tell me and your wish is my command.
You've inspired me, Janey. You've given me that boost and maybe someday, I'll get the chance to write letters to someone too.
I can never live with this that's why I never choose you...
Some patterns I can never really stomach. Some cycles are just too much for me to live out. I've come to realize that you and her have this love - hate thing going on and when you say it is finally over, it never really is. My advice: Man up and stick with your decision (possibly honor hers).
I know it is hurtful to say but if you were coddled a bit more, I honestly think you'll turn into fluff. Life is not always filled with drama. You are not a prince on a white horse nor are you the guy next door out to rule the world. I've come to realize that it won't take you a new environment (be it school, work or another country) to make you grow up. No matter how much you try and force yourself, if you keep acting like this boy who thinks everyone will be there for you, you'll still be immature about (almost) everything.
Life is what you make it and not what others give you. If you live a life out of fear because you might regret everything in the future than you don't live at all. Then again, who am I to judge? I'm also a love sick puppy when it comes to him so I can't really throw things at you for being such.
The thing is... I've come to accept that there will be no happy ending for me. I don't think you really have. I've come to accept that loneliness is a state of mind and that whatever we do we love not to be loved but because we are selfless. Yes, to be loved... what more could we ask for? We could ask to be selfless and just love.
I believe that every girl dreams to wear one from time to time. I certainly do. I'm a little bit bipolar when it comes to the L word. Sometimes I crave for it, sometimes I absolutely abhor it. Same goes for the W word and the M word. Recently, I've been feeling a bit put out because I've come to realize that I don't want anyone but I hate being alone.
Is this a sign that I am undecidedly young? Maybe. Honestly, I don't know anymore... I don't know what the fucking hell do I absolutely want. I no longer want him. I am no longer searching for him. I am no longer thinking of the many others before him.
Maybe this time around, it's just supposed to be me.
The first album I bought off a record store was Fountains of Wayne's Welcome Interstate Managers. It was a pretty good investment. The album was my constant companion (I did not own a MP3 player during those days) during summer trips to some unknown place my mother picked. One of my favorite songs from the album would be Hey Julie. I constantly find it adorable and sweet. I can say, without lying, that this song never fails to make me smile.
All my life I wanted to be Julie. I wanted to be that girl who he would count the hours for just to see her face. So, I always thought that by being Julie, what more could you ask for?
With that question in mind, my friend replied: 'Someone to sing the song for...'
She's right. To have someone you can actually sing Hey Julie to is greater than actually being Julie. After all, I can be Julie, but not feel the same as the person who who would count down the hours just to see me. I now believe that to love is greater than to be loved.
I've been hanging a lot with this good girl friend of mine and a few weeks ago we were bonding over how both of us are sort of still in love with some guy who sort of broke our hearts. Yeah. Story of your life? I'm thinking about it now and I know a lot of people who feel the same or has the same plot line as ours.
My friend and I were talking about how there are other people out there who would actually want to be with us but for some unknown reason, we still care for someone else, that someone who broke our hearts and left us to bleed in the sidewalk. The funny thing is, we seem to think that these cruel heartless men are the only ones who we could actually imagine ourselves to be with. Even if we imagine ourselves to be with other people, it would be because they would have saved us from loving these heartless men of ours.
I guess this is a whole new concept of "The One" where that person is the one who influences are lives so... not necessarily somebody we end up with or be in a relationship with but, someone who became such a moving factor in our lives.
So for now...
...he is still the one for yours truly, Someone Anxious.
As my day comes to an end, I realize that I have wasted another beautiful outfit.
Every morning, I wake up a little earlier than usual with thoughts of you in my head. I know, from the edge of my soul, that your name unconsciously slips off my lips as I struggle to open my eyes and embrace a day knowing that you don't even think of me. So, everyday I wake up a little earlier than usual to choose the perfect outfit that would make you think of me once again. Everyday I wake up a little earlier to take a comforting shower wishing I was using your bath scents instead. Then, I would choose what I think is the perfect outfit and at the back of my mind I know that I'm doing so simply because I'm still hoping of bumping into you.
So, everyday I wake up a little earlier than usual and as I put on a supposedly perfect outfit I think of you and if you'd like it. I think of how do you like my hair, tied up or loose in all its glory. I think of you possibly thinking of me... possibly wanting more with me.
I walk towards my destination, carelessly pretending that you are walking beside me, talking to me and treating me as your equal. Of course, I know you're not really there and I know that you never would treat me as such but I find the idea comforting so I indulge myself despite what seems to be insanity for my part. Then, a cup of coffee and a few cigarettes later I realize that waiting for you on this bench is fruitless and I go on with my day hoping to see at least a glimpse of you.
I tell everybody I'm fine and that I'm okay with it. Taking the high road supposedly is my new motto right now and people believe me because I have the most deceptive smile - years of theater classes paying off admirably. Only a few people notice the extra attention I give to myself. Close friends don't even notice it. Still, I'm the only one who knows why I really do this... why I really torture myself and wake up a little earlier than usual.
I do it because I hope that one day I bump into you and I'm wearing a beautiful outfit that would make you think of me once again.
Today, I woke up a little earlier than usual.
Today, another perfect outfit was wasted.
Not sure if I'm still looking forward for tomorrow,
(noun) \nä-ˈstal-jə, nə- also nȯ-, nō-; nə-ˈstäl-\
:awistfulor excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition;also:something that evokes nostalgia (According to Mr. Webster online).
I used to associate every man I ever met to a song. My best friend and I would spend hours going through the "men of our lives" and the songs we would dedicate to them. Now, every time I hear a song from my youth I remember a boy who is now a man or a boy whom I thought was a man or another man who was really more of a boy. Then I realize, I will never ever have them back simply because I don't live in a fairytale anymore. The princess grew up and realized that her castle was merely a five floor walk up and her ball gowns were really hand me down dresses. I'm nostalgic for that feeling of blissful ignorance. I'm longing for the days were I used to innocently dream for my prince who would show me that the world was cruel but everything would be alright because he was there and I was with him.
I realized that I grew up the moment I became aware that life is painful, love is deceptive and we do nothing but succumb. I'm nostalgic for the days where I thought the opposite. I'm nostalgic for the thoughts that life is beautiful, love is true and we have control over our selves. I'm nostalgic for the possibility of him and me and the world around me.
Yes, I'm nostalgic for you, whoever you are. Yes, I'm nostalgic for you, once the love of my life who could have been my best friend and yes, I am nostalgic for you too, my lover who broke my heart in two.
-k
n
dl)
