Investing Emotionally and Financially.

After celebrating a back-to-back birthday celebration with my friends (Frances' group last Friday and Holly with the gang on Saturday) and family, I've come to realize that the only person I was not able to spend time with is my brother (who is now living up north for work and love reasons).

I remember having a conversation with him two years past and we talked about how he was always on the loosing end when it comes to love. All the dinners he bought, flowers he scouted, chocolates he had to pay for and movie tickets he had to line up for... all these efforts and always a "no" in the end. Back then, I felt really bad for him. All he wanted was a girlfriend to look out for and there he was, simply available.

That's when I told him my POV. That when it comes to relationship, he should look at it the best way he can relate to: investing.

Yes, we do invest financially. For my brother, one girl's "no" cost him roughly 40K and it was quite hard to understand what exactly she looked like to make him spend like that (my brother is such a savings addict that he doesn't eat lunch at work). However, more importantly, every friend and lover we go through in this world, we invest emotionally. What's worse is that if we spend all our time investing emotionally and financially in one person, the greater the risk that we have our heart broken and pockets drained. So we invest a great amount in different things.

I tend to invest more on my family (my mother's side) simply because I have a lot of emotional (and occasionally, financial) investments left in me. No boyfriend, FBs or lover on a Saturday night. That's why Sunday brunch, highlights of the week, the 'How are you?' and 'What happened to Grandma?' are done with my gay fashion designer uncle. I buy clothes with him, pig out and simply talk because I have the time and energy for him.

I also tend to invest more with my friends. Same situation. Friday night outs with my college friends, drinking til I fall asleep with Jackie and Jane while talking about everything with Holly who, as the certified olympian noticed, is actually like a boyfriend of sorts (but again, we are not lesbians...).

After some time, my brother did find a girl who said yes and I'm assuming she is also emotionally and financially investing in him. What's just sad is that I feel like I've lost so many things already, brother included.

Well, I still do have my sister who seems to always be there. As I've told my father: "You have a daughter who can't get over her family to start her own and you have a son who can't wait to start a family and forget his... where am I in this picture?"

Investing on you, whoever you are...

Someone Anxious.

A Little Something About Purity

My close friend celebrated his 'barbarakah' two Saturdays ago.

It was such a learning experience for me. It proved that everything we expect in life doesn't really happen as we thought it would. For starters, I didn't think that "Bar Barakah" was a Christian birthday party for men. At the same time, I didn't think that I'd end up having a very late dinner and beer with my college friends in the city.

What really struck me the most is how I feel so okay about the whole purity ring. Ask me two years ago and I would have laughed at you and talked you into this whole rock and roll lifestyle. Now, I get it.

Everyone is a rocker in their own way.

Looking for Something Stronger...

FROM: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7qdcgzyL41ry9ftto1_500.jpg

Last night, instead of going to a friend's DJ competition, I decided to go to an acquaintance's birthday party (as requested by our common friend). At first, I just wanted to stay at home, but I started thinking about getting my lazy ass out there and maybe bumping into people I haven't seen in a long time. So, I stood up, took a bath and placed make-up on (since I've decided to be more "out there" just in case I meet "the one" or "Mr. I'm a Good Fuck for the Night".

Little did I know that it wouldn't be such as amazing or fun as I thought it would be.

My friend, asked me to go to another friend's house near my village as she spent the day there with her high school friends. She called a cab from there and we went to our friend's apartment. Looking back, I honestly felt a little bit used. Like I was merely my friend's chaperon during our cab ride. Why would I be asked to go in the first place? I'm not a close friend of the celebrant, not part of the inner group nor am I even close to the majority of people invited...

When we got there, everyone was practically in their pajamas. The first comment to me was: "Heeeeeey! You're wearing make-up...." Yup. I just wanted to look nice. Honestly, I just wanted to look really really pretty. So pretty that I wouldn't have to think about being the wallflower for once. Anyways, it doesn't matter since we just spent the rest of the night eating chips, pizza and playing a movie drinking game. A movie, which I'm really not as passionate about like most people. I don't get it really. I mean, I guess it's nice and the story is really dark but, c'mon! Do I seem like a person who would want to watch a man talk in a weird husky voice while chasing a clown in a city filled with people who just don't care?

Plus, when I was finally starting to socialize, the person I was talking to was always swept away by my friend which I found totally annoying. Yes, I know you have big news but I thought you were waiting for everyone to get settled? I'm pretty sure there's still something there between them... like a hidden attention-attaraction disorder.

I know they say that when in Rome, do what the Romans do but honestly, I think I'd rather be in India. I really wish people would try to be a little bit more considerate when inviting people to parties. Especially to house parties... 

The thing is, I'm okay. I'm okay that I went. It was nice seeing people I had fun moments with two years ago. It was great to talk to a friend about work and plans (before he was swept away to talk about another friend's big announcement). In fact, I had a great time eating chips, cookies and pizza. 

But there's just that feeling that it would have been alright if I didn't go in the first place. Maybe I should have just went to that club (despite how uncomfortable I am when I'm in one) and supported my DJ friend.  Maybe I should have just stayed home and saw that documentary in History that I've been dying to watch. 

Maybe, just maybe, I lied when I bid goodbye and said I'll see them soon.

Someone Anxious

Officially 21.

I guess last night marks the end of my birthday celebration and I think I ended things beautifully.

courtesy of winawonders.blogspot.com

After not seeing Jackie, Janey and Holly for the longest time, we decided to have dinner in the city. It was a great night for all of us, eating good (and so expensive) food while enjoying a night of sober laughter. I don't think I've ever felt so rejuvenated. Holly shared with us her adventures with her current beau while Janey told us all about her foreign (for lack of a better term) friend. Meanwhile, Jackie told us about her cousins' visit, living in the city for a couple of days and she then continued to slap my butt.

Great night indeed.

- Someone Anxious

21.

21 seemed like such an old age when I was 14. In my head, by the time I'm 21 I should:

-at least had my share of fun.
-be engaged or married
-have my own place and car.

How wrong was I? Now that I'm 21 I've come to realize that the age is so much younger than I thought. Maybe because I always thought it was the perfect age to settle down because my mom did so or that it was the perfect age to have a serious relationship just like my sister. Wow. 21. What a surprise!

I may not be married or with anyone but at the same time, I'm not my sister and my mother. I hate rainbows and butterflies and I may be young to some but I've learned a lot these past years. Here, let me enumerate my top 10.

1. It is possible to be 20 but feel like you're 50. Yes, as a matter of fact it is. Last year, I had more on my plate than any other 20 year old that I knew. It doesn't make you mature or as wise as a 50 year old. It only means that you you've gone through a rough patch and you'll be going through some more.
2. Some people are deceiving. Stick to those who you have an instant connection with. That connection is the universe's way of telling you that this person is someone you'll get a long with.
3. Some people are meant NOT to be with. Yup. I think I learned this the hard way. There's a reason why it's "frowned upon" and there's a reason why something is taboo. Just because you shouldn't doesn't mean you wouldn't so better stop yourself early on.
4. A lot of things in life are NOT free. But what makes things special when you are able to make the best of what's free and make it special. 
5. The world will be your oyster, but you'll have to learn to work your way up. You'll only get the things you deserve or make an effort to achieve. Maybe you'd like to do it the hard way, maybe you'd like to pull some strings to make things easier. One thing is certain, you only get what you give.
6. Everything is a domino effect of something. One thing will always affect another so be wary of the things you do.
7. Meeting new people gets harder when you grow older. This is because you have a lot more to loose. Every meeting is a risk but at the same time, an opportunity.
8. Always be sincere. Never be someone you are not. Cry when you feel like crying and laugh when you feel like laughing. Never keep it all in. Share your emotions so that people will also share theirs. 
9. People will forget about you. That thing is certain. If you want to continue being a part of their lives, you'll have to make the effort to make them see that you still exist. Don't wait for them to remember you. Chances are, they never will.
10. The most beautiful thing in this world are the moments you know you'll never have back or can replicate. Enjoy every second and know that there it is highly unlikely you will never experience it again. That kiss you gave him, that song you sang with your best friend and that joke you successfully shared with your family and colleagues.Those are the moments that make living worth it.

The day is young and I have a few more ours to go before my big day ends. Although I was  never able to do all the 21 things before 21, I'm glad I took the time to make things special. Now that I'm legal everywhere, I think I might celebrate tonight with a drink.

Cheers!

Someone Anxious

21 Before 21. (One Day Before I Start)

So, tomorrow is officially the start of my 21 Before 21 Challenge and it seems like no one wants to add to my list (either that or my friends totally missed the post). Anyways, instead of feeling down and blue about certain things and people, I just decided to finish the list today.

On my earlier post, I already had five things to do, namely: Shop, Give, Write, Change and Clean. It seemed pretty obvious really. The list contains key action words that will help me do something a little different or extra that will make my birthday celebration more special.

So here's the complete list:

1. Shop. Buy new shoes, tops and books! I'm pretty sure my uncle will be able to help me with this simply because we do it every week.
2. Give. It could be a couple of bucks to a stranger in need or my dinner take away. It doesn't matter as long as I'm able to offer material help to someone in need.
3. Write. I have this nice project idea about writing down these thoughts of what I wish could have been. I even tried making a whole blog about it but I can't seem to write it online. I sort of want to get it started for the day. 
4. Change. It would be nice to change a couple of things in my life. It doesn't have to life altering but something that could allow me to lift myself out of my usual daily slump.
5. Clean. Alright. Also finally time to clean out that space I call a closet.
6. Pray. I've stopped praying for the past couple of years and I feel like I should add it to the list. With lent just around the corner, I think it seems right to stop for awhile and talk to Him.
7. Sleep. I've been deprived of this lately (even though my dad thinks I'm full of it). I can't remember the last time I had more than eight hours. It would be nice to take time to physically rest.
8. Walk. I've always wanted to go on a photo walk alone. I've never really tried fully immersing myself in street photography. I think this will be a great time to do so. 
9. Run. Yup. I've stopped running ever since I moved to my dad's. I think it would be nice to start the habit again.
10. Eat. Yes! How is it possible that I have done 10 already without including this? But this time, instead of simply pigging out, I want to try something a little different. Maybe a new restaurant or something different from my usual order.
11. Laugh. It's been a long time since I've seen a romantic comedy in the movie house and since I'm being honest, the last movie that made me laugh was Rango and that was for kids. Thinking about it now, it doesn't have to be a movie but maybe just a joke... something that will just make me... laugh.
12. Dare. As the Certified Olympian told me, maybe I should ask someone out as one of the things to do. I've never really done this before and I think it would be nice to dare to do something so romantically inclined. 
13. Score It’s been a long time since I played any sports and I think I've forgotten the feeling to actually be the reason for a score. I used to play a lot of volleyball, softball, bowling, futsal and even a little basketball. I should definitely get out more. 
14. Visit. It’s also been a long time since I visited my grandfather and my uncle’s crypt. I used to visit them every time I was nearby. Somewhere along the way, I thought it was fruitless. They’re gone and what’s the point? Well, I think it would be nice to change this perspective and visit them, even just to pay my respects.
15. Talk. With my upcoming plans, I’m definitely will be able to do this. The challenge is ensuring that this whole public speaking commitment will all go well. Wish me luck!
16. Try. I've been dying to try something different lately. Unlike change which involves a long period of time, try is something once. It could be a new restaurant or experience I've always wanted to check out. 
17. Trust. A few years back, someone shared me this activity that involves telling your secret to a random stranger/classmate. Although, I’m not fond of telling something so personal to a complete stranger, I think I would like to learn to trust someone by telling them something deeper about me.
18. Play. So when was the last time I actually let loose and had a great time? I want to play like a kid once again.
19. Dance.  I've never been a dancer. I always had two left feet. But since I’m turning 21, I have nothing to lose!
20. Smile. Do you believe that a smile can make anything better? I do! So maybe I’ll smile at someone, even a random stranger, and then let’s see… maybe I’ll make his or her day better.
21. Love. So we have Eat and Pray. Of course there has to be love. Hopefully, on my last day of this experience, I’ll be able to finally accept that what matters most in this world is to learn how to love myself.

Wish me luck! I officially start this journey tomorrow and I hope you guys will be part of it too!

-Someone Anxious.

21 Before 21. (Someone's Birthday Month is Coming Up!)

Yes! My birthday month is coming up and I am excited. This would be the year I am finally turning (drum roll please), 21! Yup! I'll be legal anywhere and everywhere so I decided to make things extra special.

I have a personal side project called:  21 days before 21. Inspired by the 30 before 30 project, I decided to do one good deed or go to one good adventure everyday, 21 days before my birthday. It could be things I could do alone or things you can do with me. It doesn't really matter. Just 21 new experiences or good acts that will make my "You are finally legal everywhere!" day more special.

Rules are simple. Starting Feb. 22, I'll do one simple thing I can accomplish for the day. No long term projects or overnight things. Just one simple act of something that can make that day extra special.

So far, here are some of the things I'm thinking of doing:

1. Shop. Buy new shoes, tops and books! I'm pretty sure my uncle will be able to help me with this simply because we do it every week.
2. Give. It could be a couple of bucks to a stranger in need or my dinner take away. It doesn't matter as long as I'm able to offer material help to someone in need.
3. Write. I have this nice project idea about writing down these thoughts of what I wish could have been. I even tried making a whole blog about it but I can't seem to write it online. I sort of want to get it started for the day. 
4. Change. It would be nice to change a couple of things in my life. It doesn't have to life altering but something that could allow me to lift myself out of my usual daily slump.
5. Clean. Alright. Also finally time to clean out that space I call a closet.

source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/ed/Happy_Birthday!.jpg/300px-Happy_Birthday!.jpg

So far, I have five and I need 16 more to go before I Feb. 22 (as that day will be the start of my 21 days). If you guys have any suggestions, feel free to comment and tell me about it.

Always,

Someone Anxious

Testosterone.

Can I just say that I've never EVER been in a roomful of men like that... Honestly. I've never even hung out with so much guys all in one night.

Here's how it happened:

A week ago, Holly and I were hanging out at her place when she informed me that the Kid's brother will be throwing a surprise birthday party. Yes... yes... I know he has been sort of a (how should I phrase this?) bastard (for lack of a better term even though he really wasn't although sometimes I feel like he was) to me and our graduation celebration. Just so my other (nonexistent) readers would know, he's the one who often would make me feel rejected (not the same as the usual him, but I thought he was running second). I guess it was the way I wanted to see his place, his brother and just hang out that made me actually go. So last weekend, I slept over at Holly's and that Saturday we went to his place.

We were met by his brother and we went through the whole glad you guys are here, hurry, he's not yet here and it's good to see you too stage. Then we entered the house. To my surprise (although I did mention to Holly that this might happen - foreshadowing) the house was filled with young strapping men. Did I mention that he went to an all boys school? Yes, he did and all of his other female friends didn't go.

The ratio? Three women to approximately 20 men.Wow. Honestly, I've never really hung out with so many guys in my life. Yeah, I have guy friends but usually when I go out it would be me and my other female friends (Holly and Janey mostly)

Hanging out with them was easier than I thought. Surprising enough, I was myself despite the abundance of male testosterone. Normal self like when I went out with him a few weeks ago. I was completely just me.


The Kid was surprised and it was really nice to see him be himself. I liked the side of him that I got to hang out with. He was happy, normal, not paranoid and a whole lot of fun. He introduced us (girls) to all of his high school friends (guys) and his brother served us margaritas. Really great food made me wonder why he was so thin.

After a few drinks, a few sticks of menthols, some lewd jokes with the guys and a demonstration of how to drink beer in three gulps, some of the guests decided to go to the park nearby. It was fun, talking and hanging out by the slide. One of the guys I met during the party decided to join me in the slide and it was a bit awkward because it was like a slide sandwich. Here. Let me describe...

...At the end of the slide was their other friend (the man I dub as the Priest). I sat on top of the slide and I placed my leg forward so technically I was on the middle of the slide. It wasn't awkward yet until another friend of the Kid joined us and sat on top of the slide. He slowly slid down the slide and it became awkward because the Stripper's (what his friends call him/his now codename) crotch area was dangling right above my head.Told him he it was quite awkward and we both sort of laughed it off.

From afar, I saw the Kid having a sweet/movie-like moment with Holly and truth be told, I was fucking jealous. Yes, I still like the Kid. He's adorable but I stand by my decision. I want him to came back when he's older... when he's not scared of risks and adventures.

We ended the night with a hug and a short talent show with the Kid's puppy. It was fun and I had no regrets with going. I was also glad to meet so many people and just be myself at the same time. After all, free food and good drinks... what could be better, right?

Well... Holly told me yesterday that the Kid told her that the Stripper thought I was pretty.

It's a start :)

Someone Anxious.