Meat of Back Wards

Let's take a Risk:

Dear friend,

Only so few really do take the time to read and I guess I owe it up to you to share some things that we never do get the time to talk about.

I've been working hard you see. Not just with work but the blunt of the matter is: I've been working hard to stay positive as well. And yesterday - the day that all my hardwork should have paid off -
they've decided to just be frank and I end up feeling inadequate in so many levels instead.

"What's the point?"

I keep asking myself this as I lay awake at night. Apparrently I've reached the point of no return and (if I do say so myself) forward. It is sad because I honestly feel like I've been working under false pretenses.

What hurts is that apparently, the person you've defended, supported above everyone else and looked up to is assumed your enemy. I am in no competition but myself because I want to be good with what I do. That is the truth. I believe there are no comparisons and I wished that people never assumed what goes on in my head. Angry, I am not. Hurt and betrayed, I do feel. I may be young but that does not always equate to foolish. I know that I've given up so many goals for this that the truth is: it is no longer worth it.

Dearest friend, one thing I will regret is that I will surely miss you.

You have been constant light during the past two years (I dare not count my experiences prior). Your presence has made all the differences in the world and I am and always will be grateful. I wish to keep in touch but it is already hard when we work for the same person, what more when we are in two different cities?

So, let me say that the most I can offer is to be sincerely thankful and my prayers will always include you and your sister. I would also like that you remeber me from time to time. Maybe say a short prayer as I take this risk. You will be in my thoughts always and with that in mind, I do not feel leaping forward all alone...


...Someone Anxious

Why my ass is too big and my legs are too long for this country...

Coming from a wake last night and I had to commute on my way home. I was already tired from a stressful day at work and although the rain has subsided, pools of dirty water were still present on my usual route. 

I had to take a jeep (and although it's usually my usual jeepney route coming from my (gay, fashion designer) uncle, I had such a hard time fitting myself in the front seat. Then it hit me.

Maybe my ass is just too big and my legs are too long for this country. 

Honestly, I've always had such a hard time. There even came a point in my life when I had to pay for two people. My legs are squished and even when I ride the shuttle to work, I have to practice being a contortionist. 

I can blame it on the genes. My grandfather was tall (I don't know if he was just born this way or years of playing basketball and baseball developed his legs). My grandmother has quite the hips (this I can truly attest to genetics as every female in my family has what they call "(My grandmother's maiden name) Hips".

I can blame it on the millions of jeeps I've encountered. Maybe they truly been built that way... to make me feel so uncomfortable that I have to blog about it for release. 

Or maybe, just maybe... I'm not meant to be in this country to begin with. 

I find it truly difficult to argue with my sister now and even though I detest the idea of leaving (check my previous entries if you want to know why), I am now facing a situation where I might consider it after all. I told myself once that I will only leave for that scholarship... that prestigious scholarship that makes all the difference in the world. That scholarship that will put me at ease and remind me that I did not talk crap all the way through college. 

That scholarship that gets me one step closer in raising my middle finger to him. 

Then again, why do I have to put him in this equation? The world has turned and everyone has moved on. I also believe so have I. But... there's that sense of payback or revenge that I truly want. The same reason I want to date that guy or do this and be that. I think I'm too into this revenge is best served cold kind of thing. Or maybe I'm just a lovesick fool.

I suddenly have this inclination to run. To chase the sun and never stop moving. All of a sudden, I feel restless. 

I can't help but think that maybe I am meant to leave after all...

...or maybe have my own car. 

Someone Anxious. 

Shout Outs.

Sometimes I just want to rip your head off. Really. I do. I see myself in one of those Ally McBeal moments in my head where I just bring out a samurai sword and slash you into little sashimi looking things. Yes. Sometimes.

~

I hope you really have a bad day. I was asking nicely and you have to go high and mighty on me. Get a grip woman, it's just an e-mail address.


~


You have to stop thinking that every song you hear can be related to her or even me. Songs are songs and I guess it's okay if you can relate to them but to just torture yourself and think that every song on the radio is either me, or her and all the hers that were before/after her... that's just plain stupid. You say you want to grow up, well you don't try so you never will.


~


Thank you. I see that you are trying to change and I'm really grateful for that. You left me behind (like everyone else) but I don't blame you because you had a legitimate excuse. I know you are trying to make up for things but just so you know... I'm not a lesbian and she's not my girlfriend. In the words of my DJ friend: "I'm so straight that if I go any straighter I might break."


~


I hate that fact that I think I love you.


~


You could be a little more considerate


~


Thanks for being there for me. I owe you my sanity among other things.


~

C'mon! I'm still waiting for your call! I don't know about the rules of this game but usually I never call back. For you, my friend, I will make an exemption. I think that it is time for me to call you... Please say your still available! Please! Please! Please!