When people ask you why...

...always answer why not.

source: brutaltits.tumblr.com

Since my 21 before 21 failed miserably (no regets though), I've decided to just make the best out of my 21st birthday. My mindset? Nothing and no one will ruin my mood and despite feeling down these past few days, I've decided to just let things be. Time to think about what I want, what could be the best for me and what I think will make it happy. 

Anywhoo... 

Last Saturday, I spent the day with my friends at the amusement park and when people remind me of him, I've come to realize that there is no point in denying it. I can be subtle about it and I can divert conversation. Still, at the end of the day, people will say his name and I just end up thinking about everything all over again. Why? Why him and why up until now? Simple. Why not? My friend, I hate the fact that if we talk about him, you say everything with disdain. There is nothing to hate. In fact, I find everything laughable. It's just that, I'm not like you and what might be easy for you, may not for me. Let's face it, I'm...

...Someone Anxious.

21 Before 21: Eat, Shop and More!

Last Saturday, I was really planning to cross out run from my list but since father reminded me of my 'fragile' state, he decreed that I am not to wake up at such an early state. Instead, I ended up having a very heavy brunch with my family at an eat-all-you can Japanese restaurant.

Although I did not stuff myself like usual, it was nice having a proper meal with everyone. We rarely get to talk about things and we rarely get to even just sit down and have a meal together. Still, sometimes I feel like I'm a stranger to most of them. Even though I'm close to my cousin, I can see that my brother and her share a special bond because they work so closely with one another. Funny how you feel like a stranger, even to your own family.

I did hang out with Janey after and even though our spontaneous Saturday didn't push through, we were able to watch one game of rugby and have merienda back at my place. It was nice sharing my thoughts with her and even though we don't really agree on things, it's nice to have a friendly conversation about things. Yup. We're not the type to debate.

The next day, I went back to the South to spend time with my grandmother and my uncle. He bought me new wedges (for my birthday) and I bought socks and toiletries as well. But I felt sick to my stomach that same day and by the time I went home, I was so sick that I couldn't even stomach dinner. Still, I was able to cross out shop from my list.

I never really listed it down but I think this is worth blogging about. I did something that I don't usually do this week and I think this is something I should write about just to get everything out there. For the first time in months, I cried. I'm not fond of crying simply because I grew up in a family that taught me early on that crying is a sign of weakness. So when I cry, I always feel like a total failure. A weakling. I can actually hear my mom's voice telling me that I'm such a sissy. Maybe I am.

I won't go over the details on why I did (because thinking about it just makes me more depressed and I honestly want to forget about it) but I realized that the reason why I cried is the tipping point of things. Maybe I'm just too idealistic but I believe that there are lines that should never be crossed. In fact, if people were more idealistic with things, I think the world will be a better place. A little courtesy can really go a long way.

I may not have a lot, but I know I am worth something. Just so you know I am valuable and my value goes beyond to feeling like this or being treated like that. I may not be perfect but the last thing I want is to make people feel the same way I feel now. And that's all I have to say.

Someone Anxious. 

21 Before 21: Change

THIS WAS FOR FEB. 28 ( I completely forgot to post)

Last night, I was pondering on what exactly I did that I could cross out from my 21 before 21 list. I was feeling a bit blue because it seemed that I just when through my day without doing anything at all. I realized that the big highlight of my day was writing my articles for our online magazine (which I've already crossed out) and changing diskcover. Then it hit me. I CHANGED diskcover! That's was it! I can cross out change.

I'm really glad I did change diskcover. It didn't feel right talking about writing about my photography obsession in it. Something was really off every time I wrote about taking photographs. When I met Holly the other day,I shared how much it irked me to write about the photographs I like because 1.) I wasn't technically knowledgeable about it and 2.) I believe that a picture is worth a thousand words and describing it would just be adding another useless thousand. Sometimes, I think I kill the emotional movement one feels when looking at my photographs simply because I describe it to them.

Now, I've decided to make zramphotography as my official photo site. You can check out my photographs here: www.wix.com/zramphotography/online.

Cheers!

Someone Anxious!

21 Before 21: Give

Yesterday was such a hot and tiring day. Still, despite wanting to just go home and sleep, I decided to meet a friend so he can have a birthday dinner of sorts.

I'm not really a fan of this friend. Since I'm being honest, he's barely a friend to me actually. The thing is, no matter what he does, he just ends up infuriating me. In fact, every time I'm with him, I just end up turning tables. But when he called and asked for company, I couldn't just say no. It was his birthday and I felt like if my presence can make it feel a little bit more special, than maybe it would be worth the one hour of sleep I won't be getting that night.

So after running errands the whole afternoon (in intense heat, by the way) I met him in mall and we shared a meal in a small cafe. We talked, I tried not to get infuriated and for the first time in a million years, I did not negate his opinions. In short, I was well behaved.

Last night, I gave him company and though I said that 'give' in my list was the material sort, I realized that what I did for him will be more than anything I could give to a stranger. I gave him (a stranger of sorts in my life) a chance to be my friend.

Someone Anxious.

21 Before 21: Write

Last night, I met up with Holly to catch up on things. We went to B's, one of my favorite coffee and cake places. The ambiance there is simply outstanding. We had a great time smoking, drinking coffee (well, I had tea) and talking about what's been happening.

The funny thing is, while drinking coffee and talking about my everlasting unhappiness and constipation, I ended up telling her about this amazing online magazine idea I've had for awhile. I started talking about how I always wanted to sort of replicate Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop but more for the younger (cheaper) crowd here in the city. I've been thinking about this for awhile now and when I told Holly, she was surprisingly supportive.

We don't usually get along when it comes to writing. I prefer writing about lighter more personal things about my emotions and Holly's more into the whole fashion, literature and experience categories. Honestly, I'm not a fashionista so I'm not a big fan of talking about dressing up or what make-up to use. I like my clothes comfy and classic (thus, my addiction to RRL). What I do love to do is eat! I absolutely love to eat whenever and wherever I can. My dream job? To be the host of Man vs. Food!

That is why, last night, Holly and I decided to create our online magazine. I believe we're (including two people we believe to be great as a contributor) the perfect mix of crazy, wild, lazy, calm and adventurous.

The concept is simple, three categories that everyone (every girl if you think about it) loves. I don't want to jinx it so I won't spill the details here yet. What I will tell you though is that because of this project, I was able to cross out write from my list. Yesterday was all about writing!

I started writing the drafts when I got home last night and will probably finish everything by tonight. I'm also thinking of writing.

What's fun about this project is that it is the real thing. Not just something to do on our spare time, but an honest to goodness real online lifestyle magazine that will hopefully reach people out there to try some of the things we highly recommend.

Can't wait for the first issue!

Someone Anxious.

21 Before 21: Sleep, Talk, Play and Try.

Wow. I'm speechless.

The past few days have been such an experience. I was able to do a lot of things for my 21 before 21 project and I also realized that some friends will really go all the way for you.

SLEEP
For Feb. 23, I went home early and slept for more than 8 hours. After watching Man vs. Food (which, by the way, is quickly becoming my favorite show) I turned off the T.V. and slept until 7 am the next day. I quickly took a shower and rushed off to work feeling quite renewed.

TALK
So, last Friday (Feb. 24) was the conference I've been gushing about for the past three or four weeks. I was really surprised to be part of it (and be a paper presenter, no less). I'm so happy that the groups from my university presented very well and we were able to deliver exactly what was expected of us. Plus, I was able to answer a question from the professors and see old ones as well. Going to the conference, talking to students about theoretical knowledge and mingling with academicians really made me realize that I still want to go back. I still want to take my M.A. and hopefully, my Ph.D. I know I've tried to deny it many times before but now I am certain. Talk made me realize that I still do (and hope) to teach.

PLAY
Wow. I guess we are getting old. Jackie and Janey went with me to an old childhood park and we played football for like 30 minutes or so. Of course, we weren't like the players who just finished their game or the kids who really knew how to kick. But I did have a great time kicking the ball, chasing it while cursing my heart out and trying hard to psych out Jackie as she blocked every goal me and Janey would throw at her. Plus, Jackie surprised me by giving me the ball at the end of the night saying that it was her advanced birthday gift for me. So surprised. I really thought that she bought the ball for herself (being the football fan that she is). Then, Janey treated me to some chicken wings, chicken fingers and beer! First time at an Irish pub! We were joined by our friends Michelle (hahahaha! Yup, that's her code name) and drank Strongbow. Michelle treated us to nachos and we had fun talking, teasing Janey about rugby (which was playing while we were there) and talking about random things. I was so drunk that I fell asleep in Janey's car. Honestly, I really don't remember how we end up back in our place.

TRY
I do feel bad for skipping my grandmother's birthday for the conference so I decided to treat her and my uncle to cake and coffee last Sunday. I've tried this restaurant many times before but not this specific branch. I was so surprised on how good the cakes are and how big the slices were. I'm rarely a cake person but I thought that this was a good day to try something new. I'm glad I did.

16 more to go!

Someone Anxious.

21 Before 21: Pray

It was the first day for my 21 before 21 challenge. Yesterday was also Ash Wednesday and I decided that it would be a perfect time to cross out 'Pray' from my list.

   PRAY   

Honestly, it's been a long time since I willingly went to mass. The last time I really prayed was during the cleansing trip and if I'm being honest, it's been months since then.

I'm glad I did go to mass though and I'm happy that I was able to fast for the day. It made me realize that the act of fasting is a reminder of the many things we have and often take for granted. Do we really take the time out of our day to talk to God? For the past year, I never even went to mass willingly, even if it is just an hour every week.

I'm hoping to change that.

I hope that this whole experience (plus fasting although it is more of a liquid diet/cleansing thing) will remind me to be more pious.

20 more out of 21,

Someone Anxious.

21 Before 21. (One Day Before I Start)

So, tomorrow is officially the start of my 21 Before 21 Challenge and it seems like no one wants to add to my list (either that or my friends totally missed the post). Anyways, instead of feeling down and blue about certain things and people, I just decided to finish the list today.

On my earlier post, I already had five things to do, namely: Shop, Give, Write, Change and Clean. It seemed pretty obvious really. The list contains key action words that will help me do something a little different or extra that will make my birthday celebration more special.

So here's the complete list:

1. Shop. Buy new shoes, tops and books! I'm pretty sure my uncle will be able to help me with this simply because we do it every week.
2. Give. It could be a couple of bucks to a stranger in need or my dinner take away. It doesn't matter as long as I'm able to offer material help to someone in need.
3. Write. I have this nice project idea about writing down these thoughts of what I wish could have been. I even tried making a whole blog about it but I can't seem to write it online. I sort of want to get it started for the day. 
4. Change. It would be nice to change a couple of things in my life. It doesn't have to life altering but something that could allow me to lift myself out of my usual daily slump.
5. Clean. Alright. Also finally time to clean out that space I call a closet.
6. Pray. I've stopped praying for the past couple of years and I feel like I should add it to the list. With lent just around the corner, I think it seems right to stop for awhile and talk to Him.
7. Sleep. I've been deprived of this lately (even though my dad thinks I'm full of it). I can't remember the last time I had more than eight hours. It would be nice to take time to physically rest.
8. Walk. I've always wanted to go on a photo walk alone. I've never really tried fully immersing myself in street photography. I think this will be a great time to do so. 
9. Run. Yup. I've stopped running ever since I moved to my dad's. I think it would be nice to start the habit again.
10. Eat. Yes! How is it possible that I have done 10 already without including this? But this time, instead of simply pigging out, I want to try something a little different. Maybe a new restaurant or something different from my usual order.
11. Laugh. It's been a long time since I've seen a romantic comedy in the movie house and since I'm being honest, the last movie that made me laugh was Rango and that was for kids. Thinking about it now, it doesn't have to be a movie but maybe just a joke... something that will just make me... laugh.
12. Dare. As the Certified Olympian told me, maybe I should ask someone out as one of the things to do. I've never really done this before and I think it would be nice to dare to do something so romantically inclined. 
13. Score It’s been a long time since I played any sports and I think I've forgotten the feeling to actually be the reason for a score. I used to play a lot of volleyball, softball, bowling, futsal and even a little basketball. I should definitely get out more. 
14. Visit. It’s also been a long time since I visited my grandfather and my uncle’s crypt. I used to visit them every time I was nearby. Somewhere along the way, I thought it was fruitless. They’re gone and what’s the point? Well, I think it would be nice to change this perspective and visit them, even just to pay my respects.
15. Talk. With my upcoming plans, I’m definitely will be able to do this. The challenge is ensuring that this whole public speaking commitment will all go well. Wish me luck!
16. Try. I've been dying to try something different lately. Unlike change which involves a long period of time, try is something once. It could be a new restaurant or experience I've always wanted to check out. 
17. Trust. A few years back, someone shared me this activity that involves telling your secret to a random stranger/classmate. Although, I’m not fond of telling something so personal to a complete stranger, I think I would like to learn to trust someone by telling them something deeper about me.
18. Play. So when was the last time I actually let loose and had a great time? I want to play like a kid once again.
19. Dance.  I've never been a dancer. I always had two left feet. But since I’m turning 21, I have nothing to lose!
20. Smile. Do you believe that a smile can make anything better? I do! So maybe I’ll smile at someone, even a random stranger, and then let’s see… maybe I’ll make his or her day better.
21. Love. So we have Eat and Pray. Of course there has to be love. Hopefully, on my last day of this experience, I’ll be able to finally accept that what matters most in this world is to learn how to love myself.

Wish me luck! I officially start this journey tomorrow and I hope you guys will be part of it too!

-Someone Anxious.

21 Before 21. (Someone's Birthday Month is Coming Up!)

Yes! My birthday month is coming up and I am excited. This would be the year I am finally turning (drum roll please), 21! Yup! I'll be legal anywhere and everywhere so I decided to make things extra special.

I have a personal side project called:  21 days before 21. Inspired by the 30 before 30 project, I decided to do one good deed or go to one good adventure everyday, 21 days before my birthday. It could be things I could do alone or things you can do with me. It doesn't really matter. Just 21 new experiences or good acts that will make my "You are finally legal everywhere!" day more special.

Rules are simple. Starting Feb. 22, I'll do one simple thing I can accomplish for the day. No long term projects or overnight things. Just one simple act of something that can make that day extra special.

So far, here are some of the things I'm thinking of doing:

1. Shop. Buy new shoes, tops and books! I'm pretty sure my uncle will be able to help me with this simply because we do it every week.
2. Give. It could be a couple of bucks to a stranger in need or my dinner take away. It doesn't matter as long as I'm able to offer material help to someone in need.
3. Write. I have this nice project idea about writing down these thoughts of what I wish could have been. I even tried making a whole blog about it but I can't seem to write it online. I sort of want to get it started for the day. 
4. Change. It would be nice to change a couple of things in my life. It doesn't have to life altering but something that could allow me to lift myself out of my usual daily slump.
5. Clean. Alright. Also finally time to clean out that space I call a closet.

source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/ed/Happy_Birthday!.jpg/300px-Happy_Birthday!.jpg

So far, I have five and I need 16 more to go before I Feb. 22 (as that day will be the start of my 21 days). If you guys have any suggestions, feel free to comment and tell me about it.

Always,

Someone Anxious