Of Gifts and Friends...

Christmas is one of the best Holidays for me. I love giving gifts to my friends, thinking about what I should give them and how special the gift should be.

This year, I decided to give my officemates items that reminded me of them. For my college friends, I decided to give them items that I think might help them through their hectic days. Frances got a GC for Starbucks (since she's the only person I really know from the group that drinks designer coffee). For the boys, the girls chipped in for ties and I honestly feel like that's a bit of an accomplishment.

For family members, I got them items that are a mixture of something I think they need or I know they want. Case and point, I got my sister some issues of Archie (since I know that they are still quite her favorite but would never ever splurge on the digests).

However, one of my most accomplished gift moments would be for my good friend the C.O. who is somehow like a sister to me. I believe that when we are thirsty for guidance and appreciation, water is more precious than blood and she has always proven that point in my life. I will be always grateful to her and that is why I decided to give her a gift that I felt like sisters are supposed to give to their older sisters during this specific time of their life.

For the Girls (Jackie, Janey and Holly), I have something quite special for them. I hope you guys are reading this. If you do, tell me when all of you are free. :)

Christmas is the time to give to those you deem special in your life. I am constantly amazed at how so many people are always there for me. Granted that I may never have been that "nice" or accommodating to them, I feel like at least, from my side, I let them know how much I care for them.

To all those celebrating this time of giving...

...Happy Holidays!

-Someone Anxious.

It's the "We" effect.

I've been happily busy lately and it's so much more refreshing than just being stagnant. I'm so happy that I now have a chaotic schedule.

Lately, I've been meeting with a lot of people, professionally and personally (most I thought I'll never ever get to hang out in the near future). I'm constantly amazed at how I have met so many loving, caring and sincere people in this world.

I'm also so happy that I am now able to make plans... in fact, I have now used 'we' in a sentence. Although, I'm not talking about this in a romantic sense, I still am so happy. I now have plans to spend time with a close friend, a group of friends and people that I feel like I'll be spending a lot more time with.

I think this is what I call the "We" Effect. There's something so mesmerizing with using 'we' in a sentence when you're so used to writing "I".

Who knew that one simple word can make me so happy? Who knew that two letters together could make me feel so... significant?

I do miss a couple of buddies though. (Holly, if your are reading this, I super miss you!!!! When are we going to spend some time together?) And even if I do get to see Janey and Jackie from time to time, I always think that time with them is never ever enough. I long for the day that we have another escape from the city vacation.

S.A.

Moving out while staying in.

I know I've been missing in action for the past few weeks... I blame it on work (which there's really I can't do anything about), my rotting tooth (which was officially extracted) and moving out...

...yes, I moved out.

I officially have my own apartment! Yes! My own apartment! However, it's still in my family's compound (I wanted to call it "estate" due to my addiction of renaming things in this blog, but who am I kidding? All of you know me anyway). I know it's not my dream pad in the city nor is it as accessible to everyone as I thought. But give it a chance. It is (because of the cheap rent, free water and amazing ambiance) absolutely worth it.

There is always a right time for everything and I'm constantly amazed (and worried) at how everything is in place. I've been emotionally robbed so many times that I can't help but wonder if this is just a fleeting fancy or the calm before a great big storm.

Hopefully, it isn't.

~

The best thing about moving in is being creative. I absolutely love how my apartment is right now. It's a private nook in our compound and I have the great white walls I always dreamed of. I placed frame photos the other day and fixed my books... I've never been more eager to stay at home.

~

I realized that having my own space in this world is quite fulfilling. Although I still dream about my lavender painted, bunny wall paper, curtains billowing and fluffy pillows, I know that there is some little girl out there happy about my window view or the named bunnies on the wall (if they retained it).

I'm still bitter. Don't get me wrong. I still cry at night about never having that dream wedding luncheon in our garden or that walk to the church I grew up in. I'm still mad at the people who made it worse to bear and I'm still disappointed  at those who constantly remind of it. There's a reason why I can't go to certain places or talk to certain people. There's also a reason why I can't help but cry every time I listen to "There are Places I Remember".

However,

I'm grateful for you. For teaching about the flip side of things. I'm grateful for you, for being there through thick or thin. I'm happy for you and how we are still able to connect despite the geographical distance. At the same time, I'm amazed at those who remain true. I will always be indebted to all of you.

Losing the superficial and realizing those who are true.

That's the best part about this whole thing.

My real friends are the only ones invited to mi casa.

Winking,

Someone Anxious.

Looking for Something Stronger...

FROM: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7qdcgzyL41ry9ftto1_500.jpg

Last night, instead of going to a friend's DJ competition, I decided to go to an acquaintance's birthday party (as requested by our common friend). At first, I just wanted to stay at home, but I started thinking about getting my lazy ass out there and maybe bumping into people I haven't seen in a long time. So, I stood up, took a bath and placed make-up on (since I've decided to be more "out there" just in case I meet "the one" or "Mr. I'm a Good Fuck for the Night".

Little did I know that it wouldn't be such as amazing or fun as I thought it would be.

My friend, asked me to go to another friend's house near my village as she spent the day there with her high school friends. She called a cab from there and we went to our friend's apartment. Looking back, I honestly felt a little bit used. Like I was merely my friend's chaperon during our cab ride. Why would I be asked to go in the first place? I'm not a close friend of the celebrant, not part of the inner group nor am I even close to the majority of people invited...

When we got there, everyone was practically in their pajamas. The first comment to me was: "Heeeeeey! You're wearing make-up...." Yup. I just wanted to look nice. Honestly, I just wanted to look really really pretty. So pretty that I wouldn't have to think about being the wallflower for once. Anyways, it doesn't matter since we just spent the rest of the night eating chips, pizza and playing a movie drinking game. A movie, which I'm really not as passionate about like most people. I don't get it really. I mean, I guess it's nice and the story is really dark but, c'mon! Do I seem like a person who would want to watch a man talk in a weird husky voice while chasing a clown in a city filled with people who just don't care?

Plus, when I was finally starting to socialize, the person I was talking to was always swept away by my friend which I found totally annoying. Yes, I know you have big news but I thought you were waiting for everyone to get settled? I'm pretty sure there's still something there between them... like a hidden attention-attaraction disorder.

I know they say that when in Rome, do what the Romans do but honestly, I think I'd rather be in India. I really wish people would try to be a little bit more considerate when inviting people to parties. Especially to house parties... 

The thing is, I'm okay. I'm okay that I went. It was nice seeing people I had fun moments with two years ago. It was great to talk to a friend about work and plans (before he was swept away to talk about another friend's big announcement). In fact, I had a great time eating chips, cookies and pizza. 

But there's just that feeling that it would have been alright if I didn't go in the first place. Maybe I should have just went to that club (despite how uncomfortable I am when I'm in one) and supported my DJ friend.  Maybe I should have just stayed home and saw that documentary in History that I've been dying to watch. 

Maybe, just maybe, I lied when I bid goodbye and said I'll see them soon.

Someone Anxious

MIA

Yes! Yes! I know I've been MIA (Missing in Action for those who don't get it). Especially to Jackie, Janey and Holly.

Recently, for some unknown reason, I've been hanging out with my college friends more than I usually do with Jackie or Janey. Holly and I tend to see each other. Sometimes, every week and other times every other week. But if I think about it hard enough, I haven't seen Jackie or Janey for months now. 

There's always that incomplete feeling when I don't see Jackie or Janey. It's a bit weird but since I'm being honest, let me try to explain...

Jackie and Janey are like parts of me. They're the close few who understands my 'language' and mindset. Although they don't always know when I'm pissed or not (since I'm always as I think, the comic relief), I still feel like a weekend is never really a weekend without them.

They're the only ones I can honestly be myself with. Janey and I have been sharing past lives, conspiracy notes, secret service secrets and other crap for the past 6 years. There's no part of me that they don't really know and I like to think I know everything about them also. And even though we don't really get together and share things in detail, we tend to inform one another about things that's happening to us from time to time.

They're the only one who gets it. My mood swings I mean. They know that I tend to be bipolar when it comes to 'love' and I can be quiet or loud depending on my mood. Still, they're the only people who I believe get's why. 

See you soon, girls!

Someone Anxious

Little Things.

I've come to realize that the big picture in life is always made out of the little things.

It's been a long time since I updated and here's how my days have been so far.

Friday. Dan's birthday bash. What a great time! Finally nice to see more people during our Friday Night Hangouts. The birthday boy treated us to drinks (as we had dinner while waiting for him) and some pizza. We had a great time talking about things, going around the city and finally talking about our upcoming road trip. Vic treated Jon and I to coffee afterwards and we talked our way until the morning.

Saturday. Had a couple of drinks with Holly, her boyfriend and her boyfriend's friend. Had a great time talking and drinking some good ol' spiced rum. Two of our old friends joined us and we played information poker the whole night. It was nice meeting someone new but I find it more relaxing to spend time with people I haven't seen the longest time. Nick for example. It's been almost a year since I last saw him and he still talks about my massages like it's the best thing in the world. Holly is holly of course and her boyfriend is as crazy as her. Maybe that's the thing. It's not that I don't meet anyone new... it's just that I don't want to.

Sunday. A hangover from Saturday.

Monday. *drum roll* My sister arrives in Manila.

Tuesday. Holiday. I spent the whole day shopping with my sister, my uncle and my grandmother. It's the usual shopping galore, of course. She talked about her trip and I talked about our online accessory store. Then we had dinner and I went home.

Five days and five little things. Nothing life changing and nothing out of the ordinary. No alien abductions, no world war III. Just little things that make my life a little bit more meaningful than before.

Someone Anxious.

A little bit of happiness (inspired by the Certified Olympian)

As I was checking the Certified Olympian's blog, I was inspired to answer her simple question on happiness.

She asked:
"When do you find yourself truly happy?"

I would often write about staying positive and of good times. However, I've come to realize that there are only a couple of moments in this world when I am truly happy. Let me share them with you.

Happy Moment No. 1: When I am with friends.

source: http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/shotsstudio/shotsstudio1106/shotsstudio110600173/9887565-friends-sitting-on-couch-laughing-at-comedy-movie.jpg

I'd like to think that there's nothing better than hanging out with a couple of good friends, enjoying good food and having a couple of drinks. In fact, these are the moments when you cut yourself loose and stop pretending since real friends don't care about the superficiality of life. They don't care if your dirt poor or filthy rich. They don't care if your snobby, a hopeless romantic or shy. All they care about (and what you should care about) is your company and that you are able to share anything and everything with them.

Happy Moment No. 2: When my family treats me like an adult.

source: http://www.simpsoncrazy.com/content/pictures/family/SimpsonsFamily2.gif

There are moments in this world that I often feel a little put out because my father never treats me the way he should. Since I only started living with him a year ago (and that he completely missed out my baby stage), he tends to treat me like a kid. In fact, everyone in my immediate family does. Maybe this is the curse of being the youngest and being a girl. Thus, every moment when my family talks to me like an adult and converses with me without the usual jokes, taunts or even nicknames makes me jump for joy. Moments like these make me hope that they finally see. Of course, it is ruined once my dad calls me "baby" (pronounced as "Bheeh-Bheeh") or when my uncle dismisses my ideas (Yes tito, I know that face).

Happy Moment No. 3: When I Eat Something I Absolutely Love.

souce: http://www.graphicsbydezign.com/images/clip-art/food-fast.gif

Let's face it. I've perfectly substituted food with having a boyfriend, fubu, fiance, husband and lover. In fact, I think I've even substituted it for nicotine. I'm happy when I know I'm satisfied and one of the things that satisfy me the most is when I'm eating good food, having great wine or simply tasting something completely new to me. I can always count on an order of chicken wings or a simple chocolate bar to always brighten up my day.

How about you? When are you truly happy?

-Someone Anxious.

Sometimes...

...I don't appreciate the things you associate with me.

My friends, I honestly don't find it funny. Honestly, I just wanted to greet all of you and tell you guys that I'm hoping you have a great time without me.

So much for being with all of you in spirit (or over the phone).

Whatever.

Growing pains.

I believe that I've come to a point in my life that I see things a little better. I understand more, accept more and thus, I feel a little more than before.

I've had a very hectic weekend. Friday was my passport renewal day (which took most of my afternoon) then I went to a surprise birthday bash for an old friend (who ended up in the Emergency Room due to a ripped ligament). Saturday, I went to a friend's restaurant opening and then went straight to a hospital to help out a high school batchmate who got shot. Sunday was spent fulfilling traditional obligations, having lunch with my grandmother and uncle. Doing the groceries and paying more bills. My Sunday afternoon was spent cooking for a Sunday night family dinner courtesy of my aunt who handed me a kilo of salmon to be made into a salad.

So I was surprised when another old friend called me and started crying. And even though I know that there is no such thing as a big or small problem, I feel like I've outgrown listening to men being boys and love being nothing but rainbows and butterflies. Compared to my high school batchmate who got shot and needed 20 packs of blood or my college blockmate who successfully opened his 2nd restaurant, I think there are just some things that I don't find such a big deal, especially when you reach a certain age.

I'm not saying that I don't care about my friend or that I find her problem to be petty. I know how it feels like and I know that to her, it means the world. In fact, situations like these can make or break a person's life. Things like these shape us to who we will eventually become.

I guess it's just that I think I'm over that phase. My problems consist more of life in general. Career moves, things I really want to do or the life I really want to live And since my problems are so far off from my friend's problems, I feel like I cannot do anything. I cannot give any advice or listen as intently as I did before.

I've changed.

Someone Anxious.

Because certain people are more than just people to you...

...they are your friends.

Another spontaneous adventure. The other night, an old high school friend sent a text telling me that there's an impromptu meet up since one of us is leaving for the states on the 4th. So, I jumped at the chance to see my high school friends, simply because I miss them and we never fail to have some fun every time we're together. 

I guess it's nice to feel like you're growing on the same pace as others. 

S.A.

Because we're only fed on the weekends...

Apparently, we end up eating everything on Saturdays.

Had another adventure with Holly, Janey and Jackie last Saturday. After watching rugby with Jane (we drank a whole bottle of wine and I made make shift pizza and pasta which we completely devoured), we picked up Jackie at Mt. Mcdo and headed to Holly's place. From there, we all decided to go cliff searching and ended up in one of the most beautiful places on earth: New Valley (get it, guys?)

What can I say? We ate in one of my favorite restaurants and I had a pound of wings (Holly only ate like 2 pieces or something so I got the most of the order still) together with an order of mac and cheese and some good ol' cheesecake ice cream. Amazing!

courtesy of winawonders.blogspot.com

So here's a list of what I ate for that Saturday:

• Potato Salad (Lunch with Dad)
• Cordon Bleu (sp?) w/ Rice  (Thanks, Dad!)
• Make shift pizza (left over cordon bleu, tomatoes and cheese)
• Make shift lasagna (tortilla bread, corned beef tomato sauce and cheese)
• Tortilla Bread
• 1 Pound Chicken Wings
• Mac and Cheese
• Cheesecake Ice Cream
• Chocolate Chip Ice Cream (at Holly's house)

Then everything I drank:

• Water
• Iced Tea (for Lunch with Dad)
• Half a Bottle of Sangria Wine (during Rugby with Janey)
• Orange Juice (Mcdo with Janey)
• Water
• More Iced Tea (I was really thirsty)
• Rootbeer
• California Red (More Wine at Holly's)
• More Sangria (absolutely love Sangria!)

The next day, after doing the usual family traditions, I met up with Janey, Holly and Jackie again. We finally saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo while eating popcorn, fries (c/o Jackie) and Rootbeer (I love Rootbeer).  

BTW. To that ass in the movie house, I really hope you have a bad day today. Like, get arrested or something.

Going back... Yup! We're only fed during the weekends!

Eating, 

Someone Anxious.

Just when you thought you had magical powers...

...you realize that there's no such thing as intuition.

Holly, Janey and Jackie met me last night after my talk in the university. I was a bit worn out after such a long day and I was glad they were able to wait up for me. I was having a cigarette while they were talking about their day and then Holly said hi to someone who passed by. It was short, a quick greeting that took only three seconds of her life. Didn't know the guy, didn't really think of him and didn't really bother to ask her who it is.

That same guy jumped off a hotel early today.

Mr. Webster would define intuition as the power or faculty of attaining to direct knowledge or cognition without evident rational thought and inference. In my head, intuition is some sort of magical power... an ability that makes you part of the X-Men because you can feel what is about to happen. In some way, intuition makes you a very cool fortune teller.

Holly's friend jumping off a hotel building is a reality check. There's no such thing as intuition. There's no magical ability that can help you help someone just because you know that there's something wrong. When I flicked my cigarette to the ground, squishing it with my heels, while Holly greeted hi... I did not feel anything and she told me that she didn't either. 

It is sad because that despite wanting to feel that link between someone so we can help them, this reminds us that there is no link. To truly be connected to someone, he or she has to also connect with you. I think the real power we have is the choice to be open to someone... to anyone. Our great ability is the choice to allow (and at time to not allow) someone to connect with us. 

I also believe that these connections are the ones that save us, make us better and allow us to grow emotionally, mentally and socially.


Hoping that I'm connecting with all of you (even if only Jackie, Janey and Holly are the only one's reading this blog). I'm glad that I have friends that I deeply connected to. I often hope that they feel the same way. As I said... I believe that these connections are the ones that save us... save me.


Someone Anxious.

Another Unusual Weekend Adventure.

As I hurry to Holly's house that Friday, I never really thought that I'd be spending my Saturday in her rest house at the mountains and my Sunday at her grandmother's 90th birthday.

Here's how it happened...

After having drinks with my officemates, I rush to Holly's village with a cheap bottle of brandy and coke. Holly, Jackie and Janey already had a couple of glasses and we started talking about life in general (as usual) while pouring powder onto my feet. Several courage pacts later, we were in a car giving Janey and Jackie a lift home. After dropping Janey off, we went to Jackie's house. Drank wine, ate pizza, crackers and ended at around 3 in the morning. Then went back with Holly to her place and finally went to sleep.

They next morning, Holly woke me up and asked if I wanted to go with her and her dad to meet up her mom who was at work for the weekend in the mountains... Had no plans and was just going to bum so I thought... what the hell! Got up, took a shower and got dressed. After lunch, we started the road trip. The rain wasn't that hard despite the storm signals and the weather was refreshing. It felt a little bit like Christmas and Holly and I talked our hearts out most of the time.

While smoking outside Holly's rest house, we talked about life and certain things that we miss.  We both agreed on a social pact that we're going to test out for the next two months.

Going home, my uncle called and cancelled on me. This was when Holly's mom invited me to a family reunion of sorts. It was Holly's grandmother's 90th birthday and they were having a family gathering of sorts in her Aunt's house. I decided to go (simply because I had nothing better to do until around 6 pm that day) and felt a little bit awkward with the whole situation.

After, we went to the mall so that Holly could get her haircut and met up with an old friend of our, Cat. For the longest time now, I've been trying to avoid her simply because I don't feel comfortable around her. I thought I was in for an hour of ranting and annoying conversation topics when we met up with her. To my surprise, there was nothing but sincerity and plain old catching up between the three of us.

After, I met up with two old high school friends and I've come to realize how different I am. Unlike my friends, I don't feel like going back and being young. I don't have the compulsion to wish that I was young again. In the end, we parted ways knowing that even if we feel different, talk different and act different, we would still meet up in the future.

I got home a little before midnight and had a quick Peking duck and soy chicken dinner with my dad. Took a long shower and finally went to bed hoping that I'll wake up just in time for work the next day.

Guess what?

I did.

Someone Anxious