So Broke… But So Happy

Alexi mentioned this to us on our way home from such a random weekend day out. We were both short on cash and were highly dependent on our friend Jayt on the transport back home (my place) from the mountains.

The thing is: we were sincerely happy.

Let me tell it from the start:

Holly, Janey, Jackie and our friend CC planned this Halloween party. We (well, more of Holly), rented out a venue and invited people to come and spend the Saturday before Halloween with us. I thought it would be nice to also invite Frances and the group since we barely see each other during Halloween. So the plan was, Queenie goes to my apartment Saturday morning. Holly and the gang join us in the afternoon to pack candy bags (our giveaways) and then we will proceed to the venue. Frances and the rest (meaning Alexi) would follow as my guests.

For the party, Holly did a spectacular job organizing everything. Although, at some point I guess people kept ordering so we had a little “overspill”, I would still like to consider it as a success since people got free drinks, food and photos to remember the night.

I also joined what I mentally called as, the gasoline challenge. Holly bought this really cheap ass tequila that tasted and smelled like gasoline to me. I remember the four of us finishing a bottle once but I have no memories as to how it happened or what I did after. So for a good time, I decided to join and as it turns out, I was the only woman to join. Luckily, I got booted during the second round so I still had my wits with me while talking to Frances and the group.

I guess at this point, everything was going as I thought it was. But the thing with my brain, it only processes until a certain point. For example, during our trip to the beach and I was in charge of transportation, I prepared the going there but never the going home…  It didn’t come as a surprise that after the party, I ended up with Frances, Queenie, Alexi and Jay in a KTV place somewhere in the city. Needless to say, we went back to my place at around 4am equipped with the best kind of bedroom voice – a tired one.
We woke up at around 9am and had a very late lunch. We were looking for things to do and we just ended up going up to the mountains and on top of one of the largest Ferris wheel in the country. Can I just say, I’m not a big fan of heights? I really don’t like heights. I love roller coasters and rides but when it’s slow moving rides like the Ferris wheel or a stagnant view deck (SG’s Marina Bay Sands view deck for example), I just simply hate them. I get woozy, I feel like I’m falling (slow motion) and I’m more of a ground person. So I guess, during this random road trip up to the mountains and on a Ferris wheel, I somewhat conquered my fear of heights.

All in all, it was a nice long weekend to remember. Immediately the day after (less than 12 hours since we slept), I went up the mountains again with my uncle and grandmother for a simple brunch and walk around the outlet stores. I got a dress for a friend’s upcoming nuptials and although it will cost me a limb and arm to pay off (my uncle paid for it but I did promise to pay him back before the year ends), I’m glad. Seeing the look on my uncle and my grandmother’s eyes as I wore a perfect fit dress was priceless. Sharing a once in a lifetime Ferris wheel ride with Frances and Queenie, priceless. Playing video games with Jay and Alexi, priceless. Most importantly, continuing our Halloween tradition (Holly, Janey, Jackie and even CC), absolutely priceless. As Alexi said it: “I’m so broke, but I’m so happy…”

Another long weekend is upon us and I’m off to meet with my sister next Saturday (yes, she’s back – she’s back every month). I’m to pick her up in the airport and then we’re planning to have lunch in the city.
Looking forward to another priceless weekend,

Someone Anxious. 

2013

"Laugh until we think we'll die. 

Barefoot on a summer night...

... Never could be sweeter than with you."

 -Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros, Home.

 

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ma8vcrvwcm1qzk4ruo1_500.gif

A few months ago, I made a declaration to the universe. Theoretically it was a very simple goal in which Holly thought was funny and Janey felt like it was totally me to say so.

I said that I'll get married by 2013.

I didn't say it simply because I was sad and lonely. I didn't say it because I was jealous with Janey's romance with Indie or Holly's superb sex life with his beau. I said it simply because I felt like I wanted it...

I know this is such a weird goal and it doesn't really go with my whole facade (nor my "By the time I reach 30 plan"). But, I'm so sick and tired of being against love or being stingy about it that I think this is the best time in my life to just take a leap of faith.

There were times when I don't believe in it (sometimes I still don't). I've seen enough broken and lifeless marriages in my lifetime to know that we don't always marry what we want. But, I still believe (as I told Janey), that I deserve and will have something as clear as water and as innocent as teddy bear hugs.

I guess, what I'm saying is that I more open to it at this very moment than I am most of the time.

That's a good thing, right?

Let's face it. I'll still fall in love with jerks, hypocrites and cry babies. I'm pretty sure one night stands with a couple of  mama's boys and all around A.holes will be involved. But then, at least I'm trying. I'm smiling while I'm trying and I won't be so negative about it.

When the situation is right... we will meet, my love.

Less than three months to go for 2013.

For the meantime, let me practice my nonchalant face (remove my searching eye) and flirting lines.

Practicing,

Someone Anxious

It's the "We" effect.

I've been happily busy lately and it's so much more refreshing than just being stagnant. I'm so happy that I now have a chaotic schedule.

Lately, I've been meeting with a lot of people, professionally and personally (most I thought I'll never ever get to hang out in the near future). I'm constantly amazed at how I have met so many loving, caring and sincere people in this world.

I'm also so happy that I am now able to make plans... in fact, I have now used 'we' in a sentence. Although, I'm not talking about this in a romantic sense, I still am so happy. I now have plans to spend time with a close friend, a group of friends and people that I feel like I'll be spending a lot more time with.

I think this is what I call the "We" Effect. There's something so mesmerizing with using 'we' in a sentence when you're so used to writing "I".

Who knew that one simple word can make me so happy? Who knew that two letters together could make me feel so... significant?

I do miss a couple of buddies though. (Holly, if your are reading this, I super miss you!!!! When are we going to spend some time together?) And even if I do get to see Janey and Jackie from time to time, I always think that time with them is never ever enough. I long for the day that we have another escape from the city vacation.

S.A.

Rekindling.

re·kin·dle  (r-kndl)

tr.v. re·kin·dled, re·kin·dling, re·kin·dles

1. To relight (a fire).

2. To revive or renew: rekindled an old interest in the sciences.

Wow. I guess miracles do happen and when things aren't looking up in one circle of your life, you sort of get blessed in another. 

It's been a rekindling month of sorts. After weeks of not having enough time to see my friends, I was able to move in to my apartment, celebrating with Holly and Janey for most of the time. Had my first official sleepover with Holly in addition to meeting up with my college gang (with celebrating my friend Queenie's first time to join us in our Friday Night Outs). Plus, yesterday, an old friend called and although it was work related, it was quite nice to hear someone and go back to old tricks.

What's more amazing is that I am currently spending time with someone I never honestly thought I will ever see again. For those of you who knows, please don't place anything here. I want to talk about this moment as vaguely as possible for "security" and emotional purposes. 

~

I honestly never thought that I will ever get to see you again. I thought that the days of thinking about happier days are what's left in our relationship. Thinking about it now, I realized that when I last saw you, I cried \what was left of everything and just decided to forget about everything and accept that there are things in this world we will never get to have and happy endings are nothing but happy endings. No more dreams of what I could be... when we last saw each other, they were replaced of what should be.

Then, you  called with news that I never thought I would hearr. You called and all of a sudden, everything was a lot more better to swallow. Don't get me wrong, I still constantly think about what I lost and everything that happened. I still feel the shame and embarrassment. No need to hide that and I think you know. However, when you called and I saw you greeting me with open arms, I've come to realize that there is no need to wallow in the self-pity I dose myself with every time I take a cab ride to what I now call "home". There is no need to be sad because things are finally looking up (thank God!).

I see the old you. The you that I tell everyone if they ask about you. I see the old smile, no longer the lazy eyes and the conniving grin. I see the you that stayed at home for my birthday despite the need to work. I see the you that would give me a hug and kiss once in a while before I fell into a deep slumber. I see the you that I miss. The you that always had a preoccupied mind, always half-listening to my ideas simply because you were busy with your own. God! How I missed you! I'm so happy that finally, I have you again and that I know, despite the hardships of the past, the present and the future, things will be alright in the end.

We are so much alike. Out of everyone, I think I was the one who was influenced the most by your bad traits. I think that's why people like to warn me. I think that's why people would always keep me a little bit more closer than to my comfort. I think that's why, they shielded me from the worst. And because of this, I thank the powers that be. I'd rather be blissfully ignorant than never ever have this moment, this feeling, again.

You never used to give me hugs. Rarely. In fact, that made my relationship with him so much better (oh, the irony!). He would hug me, tease me and tuck me in like a child (by force I think as we had no choice). But he would never ever talk to me like you would. There was always something about our conversations that made me who I am today. You would always counter me (which made my logical reasoning a tad higher), talk to me about money (which helped me with numbers) and challenged me to work on things from scratch (which made me a little bit entrepreneurial but I'm still lazy). Like last night, I told you about this business venture I'm really excited about. In the middle of my detail-oriented story, you stood up and made a phone call. Then and there I knew,  you love me enough to tell me that the concept is hazy and that it is confusing to someone with no idea of it... plus the details are too much. God! How I miss that! 

I know there are things still left unsaid about the past. I'd rather not think or talk about it. I'd rather remember this and start with happy memories. I'm not saying this is healthy. I'm not saying that this should be the norm. But it's just who I am. I love you this way.

Now that I think about it, your offer is quite amazing. I can do what I should do and live the way I should live but then again, I don't completely trust you yet. How is that possible? How is it possible to love you so much that I am willing to walk through hell for you but not trust as I trust the security guard of my work building?

Maybe it really is in the blood. 

Always,

S. Anxious.

Real Love

I know why you hesitate,

burned by all the fake lovers that you had before.

They put you down and gave you hate...

Don't believe the things they say 'cause baby, you're a dream, you're a score.

'Cause I would walk a million miles for you, just to visit you, baby.

And I'll show you a trillion stars, the Moon is ours.

I just want to engrave this in stone because I believe I've encountered something completely real and amazing. In my lifetime, I met two people who love each other unconditionally... with every semblance of what adults would call "puppy love" but, with all the maturity, hardships and pain most of them will never encounter in a lifetime.

Janey has found love.

And I'm writing this because I am happy for her. I've never been this happy for a friend. In a way, I love Janey (not in the whole lesbian way because I'm so sick and tired of people thinking I am).  I love her and it's the type of love that is never jealous (yes, you can quote the bible verse). I love her because out of all my friends, she's the one who has been there through thick and thin. She understood everything and tried anything you would suggest to her. Unlike Holly, who you can term as my other half (again, not in a lesbian way), Janey is more of my subtle conscience. I have never been mad at her the same way me and Holly fought over a shirt (up to this day we still don't know if it is red or orange). 

When she first told me about Indy (get it?), I assumed. Yes, I was ass for doing so. But I did anyway. 

But seeing them for the first time and reading all about it made me realize that everything I thought was true is wrong. Boy, was I wrong BIG TIME. People can find love in the strangest of places, fall in love in the most unconventional way and find that movie script moments like most of us would hope for but was taught we will never achieve. 

We fall in love. We do. And Janey and Indy's showed me that there is nothing to be absolutely bitter about. There is nothing to over think about. In fact, there is nothing to think about. We feel it because it should be the way it is. We over rationalize it because we're scared and sometimes, taking the plunge should just be how it should be. 

Tears are just part of the story. They make good beginnings (just like in Little Manhattan where the kid bawls his heart out in the beginning). But, just like in any well written story, there's a reason why it's there. Maybe it will lead you to happier times, subtle realizations or simply, a night out with friends. Regardless, one thing remains true. 

Janey, love. I'm here for you. Yes, Someone Anxious (your very self-centered and over zealous, trying hard to be famous but doesn't want to admit it friend) is here for you. A bag of chips? An all meat pizza or maybe just simple rum and red under the night sky? I can only imagine the pain of distance and if there's anything I can do (maybe even never mention it again), tell me and your wish is my command.

You've inspired me, Janey. You've given me that boost and maybe someday, I'll get the chance to write letters to someone too. 

Your friend,

Someone Anxious.

MIA

Yes! Yes! I know I've been MIA (Missing in Action for those who don't get it). Especially to Jackie, Janey and Holly.

Recently, for some unknown reason, I've been hanging out with my college friends more than I usually do with Jackie or Janey. Holly and I tend to see each other. Sometimes, every week and other times every other week. But if I think about it hard enough, I haven't seen Jackie or Janey for months now. 

There's always that incomplete feeling when I don't see Jackie or Janey. It's a bit weird but since I'm being honest, let me try to explain...

Jackie and Janey are like parts of me. They're the close few who understands my 'language' and mindset. Although they don't always know when I'm pissed or not (since I'm always as I think, the comic relief), I still feel like a weekend is never really a weekend without them.

They're the only ones I can honestly be myself with. Janey and I have been sharing past lives, conspiracy notes, secret service secrets and other crap for the past 6 years. There's no part of me that they don't really know and I like to think I know everything about them also. And even though we don't really get together and share things in detail, we tend to inform one another about things that's happening to us from time to time.

They're the only one who gets it. My mood swings I mean. They know that I tend to be bipolar when it comes to 'love' and I can be quiet or loud depending on my mood. Still, they're the only people who I believe get's why. 

See you soon, girls!

Someone Anxious

Officially 21.

I guess last night marks the end of my birthday celebration and I think I ended things beautifully.

courtesy of winawonders.blogspot.com

After not seeing Jackie, Janey and Holly for the longest time, we decided to have dinner in the city. It was a great night for all of us, eating good (and so expensive) food while enjoying a night of sober laughter. I don't think I've ever felt so rejuvenated. Holly shared with us her adventures with her current beau while Janey told us all about her foreign (for lack of a better term) friend. Meanwhile, Jackie told us about her cousins' visit, living in the city for a couple of days and she then continued to slap my butt.

Great night indeed.

- Someone Anxious

Blues, it's been a long time.

I am currently sitting in a cafe where a little girl (about 4 or 5 years old) just approached me and asked me if I paid already. Funny how young they start the kids these days. I am also currently listening to Albert Hammond, Jr. It's been a long time since I listened to In Transit and I'm amazed how the brain can bring back memories of countless hours in the university library.

Time to be frank because I realized that the emotional posts could mean a hundred different things to a hundred different people. I've been thinking of living a life of writing and photography lately. I've been thinking of maybe even going back and getting that master's degree I so badly wanted to pursue after college. In fact, I'm thinking of taking that prestigious offer and try for that oh so far away university. It's just so hard because I'm also thinking of not changing.

Janey, I think we sort of feel the same. Like we want so many things all at the same time and because we there's just so fucking many options, it gets harder to choose. Along the way, we loose the passion for what we really always wanted to do whether it may be music, arts, education or corporate. We lost it somewhere along the way and it's hard ever trying to get it back. Guess what? I think this is what many would call a quarter life crisis and you know what? It sucks.

The thing is, I'm not down because of that. I've been feeling so blue lately because a million other forces (one which is in another side of the world) are pulling me toward a million other paths and it gets tiring being reminded everyday. It gets tiring being reminded that you sort of want it too. It gets tiring being reminded that you may want it more than what you always wanted about now. I'm tired feeling like I am entitled to do it. I hate it. Blood really is thicker than water.

Oh, what to do? What to do?

I hate not knowing what to do.

Someone Anxious.

Clothing Challenge (Inspired by Janey)

I was looking at Janey's blog and I realized that clothing is actually a good topic to talk about. I like to think that every woman has two styles, their personal style and their professional style. Personal can be further divided into two categories: Casual (something that you'd wear on a movie night out with your friends) and Formal (something you'd wear on your cousin's wedding). Professional, of course, is what you'd wear going to work.

Upon reflecting on my views on fashion, I realized that I have very expensive taste. I swear, if I win the lottery one day, here's what I'll spend it on:

Personal Casual: Ralph Lauren
I absolutely love Ralph Lauren and I know that with the price they sell their clothes, it's a sin to think that is is casual clothing. But I have to admit that Polo Ralph Lauren is exactly my style. I love the collar, the insignia and the colors. Here's my dream RL personal casual wardrobe:

On a casual day at the park or in the mall.

Night out with friends.

Lunch date with him.

Dinner out with his parents or my family.

Personal Casual/Formal: Burberry
You know what else I love? Burberry! I absolutely love their coats and I think their style is really amazing. Although I think that if I do get my own Burberry coat, I'll most likely also wear it for professional purposes. I think what I love about Burberry is the edge they give to the traditional look. Yeah, the coat is long, but the leather lining gives it a modern twist. Their coats are also perfect with your little black dress. Here's my dream Burberry wardrobe:

My Casual Coat... For the few times it's cold here.

For those nights out where you want to hide that little black dress.

When you pick up your niece from school posing as the cool aunt.

For your aunt's 60th birthday (aka her 2nd debut).

Personal Formal: Armani Exchange
Growing up with a fashion designer uncle is a blessing. Growing up with a fashion designer uncle addicted to Armani is a curse. My uncle super loves clothes and Armani is just one of his favorite stops. I love the way they make their dresses and if I may say so, I wouldn't mind having the following:

That little black dress.

For my best friend's engagement dinner.

Professional: Marks & Spencer
I admit, I'm a little boyish when it comes to my work clothes. I love tucking in my blouse and putting on a belt. I also love folding my sleeves and if there were cufflinks for women, I'd be wearing them. I don't know why but I love Marks and Spencer's style of clothing when it come to their outfits. Check out the following:

Men aren't the only ones who look good in vests.

Suit anyone?

For now, I can't afford everything I've mentioned above. Maybe one day... some day. So, where do I buy my clothes instead? Where do I actually get my everyday clothes? I go to the same store where my grandmother goes... Meg. I'm not a big fan of their prints but I love their navy blue and black blouses. I usually wear them to work with my slacks (that I bought from a bazaar) then my red coat which I bought from a local department store (Yes, the one in every corner). My collared shirts are old Lacoste shirts from my mother and I wear a jeans which I bought from the same bazaar I bought my slacks. I have my handy dandy black sweater and my red ballet flats. So far, I'm good.

Here's the challenge:

Post photos of your style of clothing according to my categories. What's your take on personal casual? How about your professional? What's the brand you can relate to each category and why? Who knows, maybe you'll finally be less confused about your style and tomorrow morning, you'll wake up knowing exactly what you want to wear.

Open to anyone and everyone who wants!

Cheers!
Someone Anxious

Sources of the Photos:
www.sellralphlaurens.com
http://www.buypoloshirtsnow.com 
http://burberryltd.scene7.com/is/image/Burberryltd/06f99b4678ad22215f47f596b9f5107cba0c3e38?$prod_main$
www.burberry.com
http://www.marksandspencer.com