Testosterone.

Can I just say that I've never EVER been in a roomful of men like that... Honestly. I've never even hung out with so much guys all in one night.

Here's how it happened:

A week ago, Holly and I were hanging out at her place when she informed me that the Kid's brother will be throwing a surprise birthday party. Yes... yes... I know he has been sort of a (how should I phrase this?) bastard (for lack of a better term even though he really wasn't although sometimes I feel like he was) to me and our graduation celebration. Just so my other (nonexistent) readers would know, he's the one who often would make me feel rejected (not the same as the usual him, but I thought he was running second). I guess it was the way I wanted to see his place, his brother and just hang out that made me actually go. So last weekend, I slept over at Holly's and that Saturday we went to his place.

We were met by his brother and we went through the whole glad you guys are here, hurry, he's not yet here and it's good to see you too stage. Then we entered the house. To my surprise (although I did mention to Holly that this might happen - foreshadowing) the house was filled with young strapping men. Did I mention that he went to an all boys school? Yes, he did and all of his other female friends didn't go.

The ratio? Three women to approximately 20 men.Wow. Honestly, I've never really hung out with so many guys in my life. Yeah, I have guy friends but usually when I go out it would be me and my other female friends (Holly and Janey mostly)

Hanging out with them was easier than I thought. Surprising enough, I was myself despite the abundance of male testosterone. Normal self like when I went out with him a few weeks ago. I was completely just me.


The Kid was surprised and it was really nice to see him be himself. I liked the side of him that I got to hang out with. He was happy, normal, not paranoid and a whole lot of fun. He introduced us (girls) to all of his high school friends (guys) and his brother served us margaritas. Really great food made me wonder why he was so thin.

After a few drinks, a few sticks of menthols, some lewd jokes with the guys and a demonstration of how to drink beer in three gulps, some of the guests decided to go to the park nearby. It was fun, talking and hanging out by the slide. One of the guys I met during the party decided to join me in the slide and it was a bit awkward because it was like a slide sandwich. Here. Let me describe...

...At the end of the slide was their other friend (the man I dub as the Priest). I sat on top of the slide and I placed my leg forward so technically I was on the middle of the slide. It wasn't awkward yet until another friend of the Kid joined us and sat on top of the slide. He slowly slid down the slide and it became awkward because the Stripper's (what his friends call him/his now codename) crotch area was dangling right above my head.Told him he it was quite awkward and we both sort of laughed it off.

From afar, I saw the Kid having a sweet/movie-like moment with Holly and truth be told, I was fucking jealous. Yes, I still like the Kid. He's adorable but I stand by my decision. I want him to came back when he's older... when he's not scared of risks and adventures.

We ended the night with a hug and a short talent show with the Kid's puppy. It was fun and I had no regrets with going. I was also glad to meet so many people and just be myself at the same time. After all, free food and good drinks... what could be better, right?

Well... Holly told me yesterday that the Kid told her that the Stripper thought I was pretty.

It's a start :)

Someone Anxious.

Who said anything about love? (Crushes and Kisses)

I've had a crush on this guy for about a week and a few days or so now. I met him during my first few days in the office and the only thing I could think of was "Wow. This guy is so funny." It is quite impossible though (going out with him, I mean). After all, I'm the new kid and he's a bit older than me (yeah, what's new?). Days passed and he was so friendly to me and the other newbie that I guess you can say that we are more than acquaintances now.

A few days ago (thanks to my probing questions), I found out he had a girl friend and although I was a bit disappointed, it didn't really bother me as much as seeing his facebook wall full of comments from his ladies. Today, I passed by (I dub him) Mr. Office and he gave me a good morning high five. At first it was all fun and games but he never let go of my hand. It wasn't awkward or anything. Just really funny... Then he said that my hands were really soft (thank you hair polish... hair polish and not lotion) and my boyfriend was really lucky.

I actually laughed at this. I know he was trying to be "happy" flirtatious (he really is and everyone knows about that... sort of used to it by now), but he was just really funny and how he executed the line was hilarious.Of course, I cleared things up and said I didn't have a boyfriend. I did insinuate that whoever the bastard is, he is lucky.

Funny how the idea of a crush change over time. Somehow I think they're like kisses... the more you have one, the less special they become... the less they mean anything about love. I remember having crushes when I was younger and whoever I had one on meant that I was nearing to falling in love with him. Like kissing. When your younger, you think that the person you kiss is actually (dare I say it?) 'the one.' When you're older, a crush maybe a friend you think is pretty hilarious (Mr. Office), a guy you think you can hang out with (the Kid) or someone you think will be okay in the future (Mr. Ex). When you're older, crushes don't necessarily mean anything about love...

...and I feel the same way with kisses.

Kisses don't mean as much to me as they did before. If so, why would a peck from him mean so to me?

Does he really mean that much to me?
Someone Anxious.

Peck.

A peck is an imperial and U.S. customary unit of dry volume, equivalent to 2 gallons or 8 dry quarts or 16 dry pints. Two pecks make a kenning (obsolete), and four pecks make a bushel. - Wikipedia

To me, it's that type of kiss in the lips that makes you want to kill yourself for wanting more.

Finally over the man-less stage and was replaced by the promiscuity stage. I was with a couple of friends when I decided that I should just move on to the fooling around stage. My first victim was supposedly the kid, but apparently he was too chicken to even ride public transportation just to get to us. Then there was Mr. Ex.who I just felt like stabbing after reminding me that the night we went out should have been our anniversary. Then there was him. Yes, him. The him that I've been hating and loving. The him that ruined my life but I can't hate. Yes. Him.

After seeing him in passing a couple of times, I've decided to contact him and invite him to a celebratory dinner of sorts. As usual, I was late but he was there and he was waiting. The usual talk and it was nothing but friendly. The usual banter was there and I've come to realize that he wasn't being flirty. That was just the way he is and that's that.

Nothing really happened. Dinner, cigarettes a cab ride, a peck on the lips and a goodbye.

To me, a peck is that type of kiss in the lips that makes you want to kill yourself for wanting more.

The end of the kid.

I was never rejected but in a way I guess I was so. This is the most confusing part of it. I was into him for so long and today I found out that he will never be into me. Somehow, I feel like I was slapped on the face. The things is, the embarrassment is there and I feel as if I just want the world to swallow me whole.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really meant to be single. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that my search for love is futile.

Times like these make me want to give up on everything and everyone.

Someone Anxious.

It's not about you...

I'm not going to talk about this out loud so I'm just going to type it all here.


So I've been into someone else totally the opposite of him... He's young and in my head, I call him the kid. To cut a long story short, I realized that sleeping with this new guy (or anyone at this point) is something I really don't wish to handle right now.

And it's not because of him.

It's because of me.

I am at that point where I wish for something more than a casual night. I'm longing for something more stable and serious. I'm looking for something more stable and steady. Someone who can be there and will be there during my rainy days. In short, I'm looking for something long term.

Now, tell me, is that so wrong?

I honestly don't think so. What's wrong is me and how I can't come to terms with this whole thing. My facade is slowly breaking. For the longest time I've been telling people that I don't think relationships need love and that romance is overrated. This blog is, supposedly, my escape to this is other side of me that wants the whole ride.

The kid could have been perfect though except he did proclaim that there is that possibility that there won't be a long term thing. There is that possibility that it will only be that night and it came to me. I'm no longer interested with 50/50s. I want the whole 100 and even if I know it's selfish... I don't care. I feel like it's my turn. I don't want to risk what's left with me knowing that I will fall in love with him even if I know that there will be nothing tangible in the end.

So, when you feel like finally making that leap to the serious road...

...come back to me, kid.

Someone Anxious.