So Broke… But So Happy

Alexi mentioned this to us on our way home from such a random weekend day out. We were both short on cash and were highly dependent on our friend Jayt on the transport back home (my place) from the mountains.

The thing is: we were sincerely happy.

Let me tell it from the start:

Holly, Janey, Jackie and our friend CC planned this Halloween party. We (well, more of Holly), rented out a venue and invited people to come and spend the Saturday before Halloween with us. I thought it would be nice to also invite Frances and the group since we barely see each other during Halloween. So the plan was, Queenie goes to my apartment Saturday morning. Holly and the gang join us in the afternoon to pack candy bags (our giveaways) and then we will proceed to the venue. Frances and the rest (meaning Alexi) would follow as my guests.

For the party, Holly did a spectacular job organizing everything. Although, at some point I guess people kept ordering so we had a little “overspill”, I would still like to consider it as a success since people got free drinks, food and photos to remember the night.

I also joined what I mentally called as, the gasoline challenge. Holly bought this really cheap ass tequila that tasted and smelled like gasoline to me. I remember the four of us finishing a bottle once but I have no memories as to how it happened or what I did after. So for a good time, I decided to join and as it turns out, I was the only woman to join. Luckily, I got booted during the second round so I still had my wits with me while talking to Frances and the group.

I guess at this point, everything was going as I thought it was. But the thing with my brain, it only processes until a certain point. For example, during our trip to the beach and I was in charge of transportation, I prepared the going there but never the going home…  It didn’t come as a surprise that after the party, I ended up with Frances, Queenie, Alexi and Jay in a KTV place somewhere in the city. Needless to say, we went back to my place at around 4am equipped with the best kind of bedroom voice – a tired one.
We woke up at around 9am and had a very late lunch. We were looking for things to do and we just ended up going up to the mountains and on top of one of the largest Ferris wheel in the country. Can I just say, I’m not a big fan of heights? I really don’t like heights. I love roller coasters and rides but when it’s slow moving rides like the Ferris wheel or a stagnant view deck (SG’s Marina Bay Sands view deck for example), I just simply hate them. I get woozy, I feel like I’m falling (slow motion) and I’m more of a ground person. So I guess, during this random road trip up to the mountains and on a Ferris wheel, I somewhat conquered my fear of heights.

All in all, it was a nice long weekend to remember. Immediately the day after (less than 12 hours since we slept), I went up the mountains again with my uncle and grandmother for a simple brunch and walk around the outlet stores. I got a dress for a friend’s upcoming nuptials and although it will cost me a limb and arm to pay off (my uncle paid for it but I did promise to pay him back before the year ends), I’m glad. Seeing the look on my uncle and my grandmother’s eyes as I wore a perfect fit dress was priceless. Sharing a once in a lifetime Ferris wheel ride with Frances and Queenie, priceless. Playing video games with Jay and Alexi, priceless. Most importantly, continuing our Halloween tradition (Holly, Janey, Jackie and even CC), absolutely priceless. As Alexi said it: “I’m so broke, but I’m so happy…”

Another long weekend is upon us and I’m off to meet with my sister next Saturday (yes, she’s back – she’s back every month). I’m to pick her up in the airport and then we’re planning to have lunch in the city.
Looking forward to another priceless weekend,

Someone Anxious. 

Rekindling.

re·kin·dle  (r-kndl)

tr.v. re·kin·dled, re·kin·dling, re·kin·dles

1. To relight (a fire).

2. To revive or renew: rekindled an old interest in the sciences.

Wow. I guess miracles do happen and when things aren't looking up in one circle of your life, you sort of get blessed in another. 

It's been a rekindling month of sorts. After weeks of not having enough time to see my friends, I was able to move in to my apartment, celebrating with Holly and Janey for most of the time. Had my first official sleepover with Holly in addition to meeting up with my college gang (with celebrating my friend Queenie's first time to join us in our Friday Night Outs). Plus, yesterday, an old friend called and although it was work related, it was quite nice to hear someone and go back to old tricks.

What's more amazing is that I am currently spending time with someone I never honestly thought I will ever see again. For those of you who knows, please don't place anything here. I want to talk about this moment as vaguely as possible for "security" and emotional purposes. 

~

I honestly never thought that I will ever get to see you again. I thought that the days of thinking about happier days are what's left in our relationship. Thinking about it now, I realized that when I last saw you, I cried \what was left of everything and just decided to forget about everything and accept that there are things in this world we will never get to have and happy endings are nothing but happy endings. No more dreams of what I could be... when we last saw each other, they were replaced of what should be.

Then, you  called with news that I never thought I would hearr. You called and all of a sudden, everything was a lot more better to swallow. Don't get me wrong, I still constantly think about what I lost and everything that happened. I still feel the shame and embarrassment. No need to hide that and I think you know. However, when you called and I saw you greeting me with open arms, I've come to realize that there is no need to wallow in the self-pity I dose myself with every time I take a cab ride to what I now call "home". There is no need to be sad because things are finally looking up (thank God!).

I see the old you. The you that I tell everyone if they ask about you. I see the old smile, no longer the lazy eyes and the conniving grin. I see the you that stayed at home for my birthday despite the need to work. I see the you that would give me a hug and kiss once in a while before I fell into a deep slumber. I see the you that I miss. The you that always had a preoccupied mind, always half-listening to my ideas simply because you were busy with your own. God! How I missed you! I'm so happy that finally, I have you again and that I know, despite the hardships of the past, the present and the future, things will be alright in the end.

We are so much alike. Out of everyone, I think I was the one who was influenced the most by your bad traits. I think that's why people like to warn me. I think that's why people would always keep me a little bit more closer than to my comfort. I think that's why, they shielded me from the worst. And because of this, I thank the powers that be. I'd rather be blissfully ignorant than never ever have this moment, this feeling, again.

You never used to give me hugs. Rarely. In fact, that made my relationship with him so much better (oh, the irony!). He would hug me, tease me and tuck me in like a child (by force I think as we had no choice). But he would never ever talk to me like you would. There was always something about our conversations that made me who I am today. You would always counter me (which made my logical reasoning a tad higher), talk to me about money (which helped me with numbers) and challenged me to work on things from scratch (which made me a little bit entrepreneurial but I'm still lazy). Like last night, I told you about this business venture I'm really excited about. In the middle of my detail-oriented story, you stood up and made a phone call. Then and there I knew,  you love me enough to tell me that the concept is hazy and that it is confusing to someone with no idea of it... plus the details are too much. God! How I miss that! 

I know there are things still left unsaid about the past. I'd rather not think or talk about it. I'd rather remember this and start with happy memories. I'm not saying this is healthy. I'm not saying that this should be the norm. But it's just who I am. I love you this way.

Now that I think about it, your offer is quite amazing. I can do what I should do and live the way I should live but then again, I don't completely trust you yet. How is that possible? How is it possible to love you so much that I am willing to walk through hell for you but not trust as I trust the security guard of my work building?

Maybe it really is in the blood. 

Always,

S. Anxious.

Mountain Weekend

Going up to the mountains with friends have always been fun for me. Holly, Jackie, Janey and I had/have a tradition of going up to Holly's rest house twice a year. And although, I never get to see them as much anymore, I eagerly wait for all of us to hang out soon.

Last weekend, Frances and our college gang finally took our long awaited trip up to the mountains. Frances' family had a great rest house over looking the lake and we had a great time looking over the city lights as  fog surrounded us. Let  me start from the beginning.

Every other Friday, my college friends and I all meet up and eat somewhere we can't really afford. Then we drink coffee at a local cafe and talk until around 3 in the morning. Of course, our parents barely believe us... who in their right minds would think that their 20 something children are out on a Friday night drinking coffee?

It was during one of these nights that some of us decided to go and plan a trip to the mountains. Frances' house was available all year round and we just decided to set a date and go. And that's exactly what we did last weekend. Those who could make it, came and we hurried off to the mountains after office hours, beating the city traffic. We got to the house at around 1 in the morning and we immediately started a game of scrabble. The next day was spent doing groceries (Iron Chef!), going around the place, horse back riding and eating at one of my favorite coffee places on earth!

Such an amazing weekend, one that I would always be happy to remember. I'm glad.

I hope you are too.

Someone Anxious

A Little Parmigiana.

What I love about chicken parmigiana is that it has all the things I ever wanted in a dish. Tomato from the sauce, helpings of cheese on top and bacon wrapped around chicken. To me, it is perfect and best enjoyed with friends.

Like dinner last night.

Holly and our friend from college passed by for me as we had dinner in a nearby restaurant. It was nice, refreshing and as someone from our old group would call it, "chill".

source: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m44dr6kCcI1qfji2jo1_500.jpg

I often wonder about the people that stay in my life. Some of them, they don't really understand but they really make it a point to go out of their way and sort of try (even though at times I find quite tiring to repeatedly tell them). While others really talk to you, understand you (maybe because they know how it feels or that they are just sensitive enough to know what to say). Regardless, I'm happy that I have friends who try.

And I'm happy that I have moments like those of last night. Remember:

source: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3zqfdB8nE1qckikfo1_500.jpg

And that is why, despite everything, I am happy. I live, I long to live and I try hard to not merely exist.

Living it up until the very end,

Someone Anxious.

Hermit Reflection I.

Some people are real while others just believe they are.
I did go out last Friday with my College friends and had a really great time. I haven't seen them in the longest time and it felt really good to connect with them again.Despite everyone having their own thing going on, we talked as if nothing's changed. I think this was because all of us were sincere about knowing what's happening in each other's lives. No pretenses, no wanting to top the other and no trying to be the best. We were all happy to just know and be in contact with one another. I'm glad we weren't the type to loose touch and drift off. I'm also very happy about being their friend. Somewhere in my youth (yes, I am currently thinking of watching Sound of Music) I made the right choice and made connections with these people.

The best part of hanging out with them? I was able to prove to myself that I am able to have a good time without alcohol. I'm so happy that I was able to prove this to myself. I just don't want to go down that path where I'm going to be dependent on alcohol to have a good time and I've already felt like that for the past few months and last Friday was a refreshing change. I'm glad.

7 days down, 23 days more to go to complete my Hermit Mode.

Someone Anxious.