You've Got Thoughts...

Dear Friend,

I've just had one of those days where my inner Kathleen Kelly resurfaced... Maybe it's too little 'You've Got Mail' or too much Sam Smith's Lonely Hour. Either way, it did not feel good and it seems  that there's no one to talk to about it.

Christmas is fast approaching and everyone has something to do or someone to meet. So many things are fast approaching and with the hustle and bustle of the city, I'm left wondering if being lonely is such a good thing - especially now.

Today, another tipping point was ticked off and the blues took me over on my way home. Sometimes, I just wish you were there to talk to me, tell me that it's okay to have a meltdown. Sometimes, I wish you were there to because I needed someone. Anyone.

Where are you?

Someone Anxious

Yuppie

I've decided to take a risk lately and finally "pursue" a dream of mine... in a form of a scholarship grant that would take me far away from here.

"Here" being where I am currently typing this, 30 minutes before I officially start working.

I hate the fact that most people consider me a "Yuppie".

Last night, after receiving some disheartening news (again, delayed communication - I would appreciate knowing things as close to real time when it concerns me), I've realized that most "Yuppies" or "Youngies" - as I see no difference from this side of the world - don't need anything but support and a tap on the back.

Stupid of me to think that I would find it here.

I've been feeling like a minimalist painting recently. Did you ever observe how most people would classify a minimalist painting as "minimalist" but what you see is an explosion of colors, shapes and strokes? I'm sure when the artist was painting, he never thought of his work as "minimal" but maybe painted it because he, indeed, feel minimal instead.

"Yes, I know there are bigger things going on..."

"Yes, I understand that there are other people's interest also on the line..." 

"Yes, I know I can work around it."

"Yes, I should enjoy the free ride. Yes, I am grateful."

I'm tired of saying "Yes."

After all, there WAS only one place I thought of after pursuing this. I thought that maybe I could come back, pick up where I left of. Because, honestly I wasn't doing it to satisfy my yuppie cravings. I was doing it because I wanted to be like everyone else.

So hell, if I can't and even if I wanted to so badly, I know that a "no" is a "no" and a "yes" is a "yes". If being young means I have goals to achieve, then I think I should no longer hide the fact that I am young, a yuppie if you may. Even if I'm young, I know that comfort is the rival of success. If I just wait around, there's a chance that nothing may happen as compared to me moving on and knowing that THINGS CAN HAPPEN.

I CAN HAPPEN.

So here's to this moment! Pushing through and moving on, finally!

Carpe Diem,

Someone Anxious

Empowered-less

Yes, I know that the title is not really a grammatically correct one.

I guess it's weird to write after so long. I've been MIA because a.) work took over and in terms of priority, that's my number one and b.) I've been too tired to really write anything most days.  I guess, I'll take this short lunch break to let everyone know out there that I'm still alive but (just like the song) I'm barely breathing.

The funny thing about how I feel is that people always make you feel your empowered then your not. Work makes me feel that way most of the time and so does my family. I always feel like the only real choice I do make is which channel do I watch late at night when I can't sleep.

When I was growing up, I always envied adults because they make their own decisions. I thought, by this time, I've proven myself capable of deciding what I can and cannot do. But then again, I thought by this time I would be married to George Clooney or Prince Harry so I guess my judgement depreciates as seconds tick by.

The funny thing about this "growing up" is that it's totally different from "getting old". I've heard it many times over that wisdom does not necessarily come with age. But the thing is, how wise you are may not necessarily be an advantage when people can't see pass beyond your age. Yet again, I am a walking example that people will always judge the book by its cover.

I'd love to be empowered someday. To be trusted with the opportunity to talk the way I should deem to talk or walk the way I believe how to walk. Lastly, I would love to be trusted with the opportunity to be trusted. I guess it will never come easy so I should be content with simply being,

Someone Anxious.

Mute.

According to my doctor, I'm on voice rest for the next few days until my voice comes back to normal. So far, I've encountered people calling me mute, whispering back to me (as if I can't hear) and my father asking me to read a text aloud while he's driving (insensitivity or plain forgetfulness? IDK.)

Honestly, I don't mind these days of silence.

A good thing, at least I don't have to answer phone calls (which I'm still a bit afraid of). I don't have to talk/bite back regarding a remark which should give me plus points to go to heaven. More importantly, I don't have to talk to people who don't really interest me.

I'm pretty sure my voice will be up and about by Monday but for the meantime, I'll be here...

...Silent,

Someone Anxious.

Baby Jeep

Baby Jeep /ˈbābē jp/ 
Noun.
When you ride this jeep, it constantly reminds you that a.) you are single without child and b.) you haven't had sex for a long time because everywhere you look, a couple/mom carries a toddler on their lap.

Just rode one on my way to meet Holly.

-S.A.

It's the "We" effect.

I've been happily busy lately and it's so much more refreshing than just being stagnant. I'm so happy that I now have a chaotic schedule.

Lately, I've been meeting with a lot of people, professionally and personally (most I thought I'll never ever get to hang out in the near future). I'm constantly amazed at how I have met so many loving, caring and sincere people in this world.

I'm also so happy that I am now able to make plans... in fact, I have now used 'we' in a sentence. Although, I'm not talking about this in a romantic sense, I still am so happy. I now have plans to spend time with a close friend, a group of friends and people that I feel like I'll be spending a lot more time with.

I think this is what I call the "We" Effect. There's something so mesmerizing with using 'we' in a sentence when you're so used to writing "I".

Who knew that one simple word can make me so happy? Who knew that two letters together could make me feel so... significant?

I do miss a couple of buddies though. (Holly, if your are reading this, I super miss you!!!! When are we going to spend some time together?) And even if I do get to see Janey and Jackie from time to time, I always think that time with them is never ever enough. I long for the day that we have another escape from the city vacation.

S.A.

And while our blood is still young...

Best read with The Temper Trap's Sweet Disposition

(click here)

With how fast things are, I often wonder if I have the time and energy to be myself.

Before my grandfather died, we had coffee in Lord Stowe's and while I savoring my first ever treat to him, I distinctively remember him telling me to find work that I love so that I don't have to work at all! His one great advice to me was to find a job that I want to do so that it seems like days swiftly pass by. A few weeks later, he passed away and although I knew it was coming, it was still so hard to swallow.

Ever since my transfer, days indeed swiftly pass by. I absolutely love what I do now and I absolutely love the speed. Finally, no more sitting all day. Now, I am able to practice something I am truly passionate about. I'm pretty sure this is exactly what my grandfather meant.

I just wish everyone else was like him.

I guess it's hard when no one understand you. The other day over dinner, my dad gave me one of his pep talks on you should be doing what you love. After explaining to him that  I am doing what I love, he continues on with how proud he is of me but of course I'm still not stable and all that crap about life and money. Then he ends with: "I'm not saying this specifically about your work, just a little advice."

I love my dad and I'm happy he drives me to work when I need it.I love the fact that even if he has nothing to spare, he still gives what he can. But the thing is, I miss my grandfather's advises and no man will ever know me and guide me the way he did.

It's alright. I accept that some people will never ever really understand what you want to do in life. Thus, they compartmentalize things not knowing that it the universe... it is the universe to you. I've come to accept that there are only a few people in this world that accepts young blood and understand the way they look at things. In fact, those are the people that you should keep close to your heart because it is only through them that you are able to see the things that make you who you are.

I look forward to moving out.

I look forward to not thinking about my sister's "reminders" on what to do with my life. I look forward to not thinking about my "dad" and if he's pressed hard already. I look forward to getting a little bit more credit from my brother who forgets my birthdays every year.

Most importantly, I look forward to you.

To whoever you are out there.

Thank you.

Cheers!

Someone Anxious