When It Rains, It Pours

It's been raining lately and I've been thinking about how when it rains, it pours.

Especially with the weather right now, I can't help to think that maybe the world sensed my gloom and automatically, they matched my mood. After months of intense heat and complains, we were finally able to experience raindrops and flooded streets. Some say it's a sign that the end is near (just as my very paranoid office mate) or that maybe the weather is going back to the way it used to be (June and July being the start of the wet season).

I've also been hearing the same expression when it comes to work.

A boss, upon congratulating me on several - albeit assisted - closes, quipped: "It seems that when it rains, it pours..." I can't help but grin, it was true. After such a "dry spell" in the workplace (including all the negative thoughts and depressing weary wondering of 'What am I doing with my life?'), I'm finally able to catch myself again and start thinking about more positive things in life and in work. I've even tried doing the whole "plastic" route. When I'm feeling the blues, I automatically think of my favorite things - thank you, Sound of Music - or start talking about positive things about someone. The goal was, fight the blues by making the people around you laugh. So far, things have been progressing quite well. This was until several things happened that make you really do wonder: "Will life keep giving you storms you can't handle?"

Even with problems, it seems that when it rains, it pours.

I don't want to fill me head with random negative thoughts, more so this blog. Although, I've been filling this blog with happier moments to get my mind off things, I need a little more light in my life.

Thinking of sunshine and the gentle afternoon breeze,

Rant: When one gets sick...

It's funny how sickness trumps everything else.

Just to clarify, I'm not sick. I'm actually in good working conditions right now. Last night, I had a great time with my uncle, supporting him in his fashion show. I was able to meet his friends and a celebrity here in the city (Clue: He owns a make-up chain). Today, I finished everything I had to do (well, what I remembered to do).

Then I received a call.

My brother, living quite far if I do think so myself and thus, I officially categorizes as an absent family member of sorts finally took the liberty of informing my dad that he's sick and in the hospital. I think, to make much sense to this, I have to write about the state-of-the-nation between my family (or what's left of it).

It all started last Tuesday. My aunt informed my dad that my brother was sick. He had a fever and decided to get himself tested in the hospital. What ticked me off was that he called my cousin (who is in the states FYI) about it. This might not make sense if you don't know me at all but the short explanation is that they work together in the same bank. So practically, they go to the same office. But my brother, who he himself likes and admits, is a bit out of touch. Yes, he didn't know that our cousin is in the States right now and opted to call her so that he can be brought to the hospital.

But since my cousin is in the States, it launched a series of unfortunate events.

My cousin called my aunt (her mother and technically, my land lady). My aunt went to my dad (we all live in the same area) and informed us that my absent brother was sick. This might not seem quite unfortunate, but when you're living in the same situation as I'm in, trust me, this is the last thing you want.

Now, I just find my brother's initiative stupid.

I don't know about you, but we have one "rule" (which is really more of a norm but this is not the place to discuss academically what is culture) and that is to take care of your own family... My cousin, just brought my aunt to the hospital a week ago (which was an added stress to her) and did not, in any way bother my dad or I (until it was absolutely necessary). Now this, is quite a little bit back to normal.

Am I getting through?

Point is, you don't call a cousin or an aunt to help you out when you're in the same situation as we are. You call Dad because he's your dad. He should even call me because I'm his sibling and I think direct relation weighs heavier than first degrees.

Anyways, I called my brother and handed my phone to my dad. That's the only time my beautiful absent brother finally decided to talk to him and inform us about his condition (which at that time, was just fever and he assured us that he was okay). We went on with our lives because that's what we do. In fact, that's what he does best.

Then my dad sent us a message this afternoon that my brother was confined to the hospital. He's stable but it just so happened that he had dengue. I called my dad, set a schedule and we both decided to visit him tomorrow early morning so that we can finish whatever we're doing tonight and focus tomorrow. Seems sound? I thought so too.

My sister didn't think so though.

As if she was here geographically, she set me a mirage of text messages on what to do. I call her to inform her what Dad and I planned and 'lo and behold I get a verbal slapping session.

"Why can't you just go there!?"

"I'm booking a flight home and you won't even go there when you are just a couple of cities away!?"

"I don't understand! Have you even called him yet? Don't you even care?"

"Wouldn't you want us to visit when you are in the hospital, confined?"

"Where is your sense of family!?"

I swear to whatever god or gods are out there, I have never been this angry. Sister dearest, how dare you tell me about my sense of family! I have done nothing but give everything to family. From sacrificing everything for my grandmother, uncle and mother - even staying with her until the very end; From staying with Dad, my aunt and my cousin - because their family and that's where I should be; From doing something and putting your dreams on hold - because in this family, dreaming isn't cost effective; From giving every inch of an extra penny, every ounce of blood, sweat and tears because of family. I swear to god, if I have a fucking wrong sense of family, then maybe I should just jump off a building!

If I was confined, wouldn't you want to visit? Fuck this! I was confined. I was sick to the bones. In fact, I've been in and out the doctor's office for the past six months! Who did I call first, my dad. I asked help from the person's whose responsibility is to help us in the first place.

Tell me, my family-oriented sister, who is the one talking to our insensible grandmother? Who is the one taking care of her, visiting her every week and even buy her requests? Who is the one keeping our dear uncle sane, supporting him and giving him every bit of extra I can scoop? Who remembers dad's birthdays, arranging everything for him and making sure he takes his meds and eats healthier? In fact, who texts and calls our dear absent brother even though we both know he will never reply or texts?

Tell me, my family-oriented sister, when was the last time you looked at our grandmother and actually talked to her without rolling your eyes? When was the last time you talked to our favorite uncle and asked him really how he's doing physically and emotionally? When was the last time you gave dad something he really wants (and your monthly contribution doesn't count because we all do that)? I may be here for the good times, but trust me when I say that I'm also here for the fucking, dirt-poor, agonizing ones. Remember? You left! You fucking left and I had to catch all the crap.

Never insinuate that I have no sense of family because I have done everything to keep ours a working semblance of one. If you think I have no sense of family, then there's one reason why I should just give up on ours.

Now I truly see that Holly was right. Maybe, this is more reason for me to be more adamant to not have one.

Obviously Ranting,

Someone Anxious

Of Gifts and Friends...

Christmas is one of the best Holidays for me. I love giving gifts to my friends, thinking about what I should give them and how special the gift should be.

This year, I decided to give my officemates items that reminded me of them. For my college friends, I decided to give them items that I think might help them through their hectic days. Frances got a GC for Starbucks (since she's the only person I really know from the group that drinks designer coffee). For the boys, the girls chipped in for ties and I honestly feel like that's a bit of an accomplishment.

For family members, I got them items that are a mixture of something I think they need or I know they want. Case and point, I got my sister some issues of Archie (since I know that they are still quite her favorite but would never ever splurge on the digests).

However, one of my most accomplished gift moments would be for my good friend the C.O. who is somehow like a sister to me. I believe that when we are thirsty for guidance and appreciation, water is more precious than blood and she has always proven that point in my life. I will be always grateful to her and that is why I decided to give her a gift that I felt like sisters are supposed to give to their older sisters during this specific time of their life.

For the Girls (Jackie, Janey and Holly), I have something quite special for them. I hope you guys are reading this. If you do, tell me when all of you are free. :)

Christmas is the time to give to those you deem special in your life. I am constantly amazed at how so many people are always there for me. Granted that I may never have been that "nice" or accommodating to them, I feel like at least, from my side, I let them know how much I care for them.

To all those celebrating this time of giving...

...Happy Holidays!

-Someone Anxious.

Time.

Whatever this vacation has taught me, it is that we choose how we spend our time in this world.

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It just so happened that I would rather spend time in this world not thinking about things I consider superficial. Like how much she's gained or how much he makes... I also like to spend my time feeling the sun against my skin instead of buying useless items of clothing that will eventually decay in my closet.

Whatever this vacation has taught me, it is that I have never been more lost to my family than I am now. That maybe, despite growing with them, I grew different (in their eyes, insensitive). The things that are really important to me are rarely important to them and now, more than ever, I've come to realize that the only thing we have in common in this world is time.

We all simply choose to spend time together despite the many differences, the annoyances and the insensitivity. We are but connected with something more vital than blood... and that is time.

Yes, I did have fun. I had a great time experiencing new things in a very different country. But again, the idea of living in such a place is so far off in my head. I'm too mischievous for such a country and I'm too lonely to start over again. What I hate the most is the force. The idea that people keep forcing me to do things that I am not inclined to do. I wonder, do they even know me enough to think about their suggestions? Or do they ask me to do things simply because it has worked for them?

Have I ever told you that I love the water? I'm a Pisces and all throughout my life, my grandmother has repeated again and again that I should love the water. Hell, that's only thing she's got right. I absolutely love the water.

Maybe it's wrong for me to say this but I guess I now understand why some simply drift apart.

Drifting,

S.Anxious.

Looking forward to... I think.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbuxz6n0FX1qiwclbo1_500.jpg

There's always something about family trips that you are not sure if you are looking forward to it or not. Even up to now, a couple of days away from my long awaited Family reunion/trip, I can't help but wonder if I really do want to spend time with my sister, my uncles and grandmother.

Ever since one of the worst Sundays my sister provided me during her last visit, I've been vigilant on keeping her on the down low about anything and everything that happens in my life. I've come to accept that we're just not that type of siblings. Yeah, I'd love to have a sister like Holly's but let's face it, my sister is just a whole different species of her own. The things that are important to her is rarely important to me (vice versa) and she can't see past my age.

The last time I shared something she ended up dismissing it and just simply ruined one fine Sunday I could have stayed done a 100 other different things. Instead, she makes me travel all the way to the south to tell me to quit my job (a midst a promotion of sorts) and look for a totally non-related job.

The thing that I hate the most about her (and my family in general) is that they never listen. They pretend to listen but they just simply nod, say yes and get mad when things don't go their way.

Am I excited to spend 5 whole days in my sister's living room? Not really.

Am I hoping that we'll have a better relationship out of this whole trip? Always.

Just in case, I'll bring my music player and drown my sorr

When you wish every day was Sunday...

I'm amazed at how little time I spend with my family. With last week's escapades and busy schedule, I've come to realize that with how things are going, majority of my life revolves around either a.) getting drunk and stuffed or b.) going to work aimlessly.

Sunday will, regardless of where I am or what has transpired, always be family day for me. I would often call it as "Sunday Tradition" and even though I've been skipping the mass part, I still make it a point to spend time with my grandmother (even though she's so hard to be with sometimes) and with my uncle (even though he's so negative to be with sometimes).

I really wish that there are more Sundays in the world. More Sundays to waste away under the sun. More Sundays to spend with my grandmother and my uncle. More Sunday morning drives with my dad. And more Sunday mornings feeling infinite and amazingly happy.

Looking forward to next Sunday,

Someone Anxious.

5 Things That Never Go As Planned

1.) Diets
Let's face it. We've all been there.

I always start my diet every Monday and by Wednesday, I would have come to the conclusion that it did not and never will go as planned.

I love food. I mean, I used to be a quantity eater (and now I am learning to be a quality eater) and even though I try my best to stop and just think of food as something I need and not something I want, I can't help it.

I love stuffing my face.

2.) Apartment Hunting
Yes. This never goes as planned as well.

Last Saturday, I dragged Holly to go apartment hunting with me. I've been dying to show her this apartment near the city. Budget wise, it was just right for the both of us and the location was ideal. It was just too good to be true.

No really, it was.

After staying in front of the building for 30 minutes and screaming the caretaker's name, we've decided to just go home. I realized that there are things that just don't push through despite the planning.

3.) Sleepovers
I honestly believe that the best way to enjoy sleepovers and to have the best flexible plan as possible.

I've been to a lot of sleepovers in my life (mostly after I left home and started living alone). But the best one I could recall would be ones where I just hung out, pig out and talk with my friends (not necessarily in that order but the pig out is really a must - see no.1).

Sleepovers should NEVER ever go as planned (it's just more fun that way - think, adventure!)

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

4.) Family Trips
I don't know about you guys but my family trips, although generally boring, never goes as planned.

For example, going to the north once, my family made reservations for room and we got a cottage instead. Then, instead of a weekend riding horses, I ended up watching my grandmother, mother and the rest of my family get riled up over mahjohng.

Sometimes, family trips don't go as planned but just like sleepovers, I like them that way. It helps me remember something about the trip and never ever take it for granted.

5.) Your Period.
I don't know about you, but I've never been a regular woman (ladies, are you with me?). Thus, every time I get my monthlies, I'm surprised as hell and never prepared. I can count the times when I had my bag with all my needs and trust me, my toiletries bag is never prepared as it should be.

How about you?

Someone Anxious

And while our blood is still young...

Best read with The Temper Trap's Sweet Disposition

(click here)

With how fast things are, I often wonder if I have the time and energy to be myself.

Before my grandfather died, we had coffee in Lord Stowe's and while I savoring my first ever treat to him, I distinctively remember him telling me to find work that I love so that I don't have to work at all! His one great advice to me was to find a job that I want to do so that it seems like days swiftly pass by. A few weeks later, he passed away and although I knew it was coming, it was still so hard to swallow.

Ever since my transfer, days indeed swiftly pass by. I absolutely love what I do now and I absolutely love the speed. Finally, no more sitting all day. Now, I am able to practice something I am truly passionate about. I'm pretty sure this is exactly what my grandfather meant.

I just wish everyone else was like him.

I guess it's hard when no one understand you. The other day over dinner, my dad gave me one of his pep talks on you should be doing what you love. After explaining to him that  I am doing what I love, he continues on with how proud he is of me but of course I'm still not stable and all that crap about life and money. Then he ends with: "I'm not saying this specifically about your work, just a little advice."

I love my dad and I'm happy he drives me to work when I need it.I love the fact that even if he has nothing to spare, he still gives what he can. But the thing is, I miss my grandfather's advises and no man will ever know me and guide me the way he did.

It's alright. I accept that some people will never ever really understand what you want to do in life. Thus, they compartmentalize things not knowing that it the universe... it is the universe to you. I've come to accept that there are only a few people in this world that accepts young blood and understand the way they look at things. In fact, those are the people that you should keep close to your heart because it is only through them that you are able to see the things that make you who you are.

I look forward to moving out.

I look forward to not thinking about my sister's "reminders" on what to do with my life. I look forward to not thinking about my "dad" and if he's pressed hard already. I look forward to getting a little bit more credit from my brother who forgets my birthdays every year.

Most importantly, I look forward to you.

To whoever you are out there.

Thank you.

Cheers!

Someone Anxious

Little Things.

I've come to realize that the big picture in life is always made out of the little things.

It's been a long time since I updated and here's how my days have been so far.

Friday. Dan's birthday bash. What a great time! Finally nice to see more people during our Friday Night Hangouts. The birthday boy treated us to drinks (as we had dinner while waiting for him) and some pizza. We had a great time talking about things, going around the city and finally talking about our upcoming road trip. Vic treated Jon and I to coffee afterwards and we talked our way until the morning.

Saturday. Had a couple of drinks with Holly, her boyfriend and her boyfriend's friend. Had a great time talking and drinking some good ol' spiced rum. Two of our old friends joined us and we played information poker the whole night. It was nice meeting someone new but I find it more relaxing to spend time with people I haven't seen the longest time. Nick for example. It's been almost a year since I last saw him and he still talks about my massages like it's the best thing in the world. Holly is holly of course and her boyfriend is as crazy as her. Maybe that's the thing. It's not that I don't meet anyone new... it's just that I don't want to.

Sunday. A hangover from Saturday.

Monday. *drum roll* My sister arrives in Manila.

Tuesday. Holiday. I spent the whole day shopping with my sister, my uncle and my grandmother. It's the usual shopping galore, of course. She talked about her trip and I talked about our online accessory store. Then we had dinner and I went home.

Five days and five little things. Nothing life changing and nothing out of the ordinary. No alien abductions, no world war III. Just little things that make my life a little bit more meaningful than before.

Someone Anxious.

A little bit of happiness (inspired by the Certified Olympian)

As I was checking the Certified Olympian's blog, I was inspired to answer her simple question on happiness.

She asked:
"When do you find yourself truly happy?"

I would often write about staying positive and of good times. However, I've come to realize that there are only a couple of moments in this world when I am truly happy. Let me share them with you.

Happy Moment No. 1: When I am with friends.

source: http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/shotsstudio/shotsstudio1106/shotsstudio110600173/9887565-friends-sitting-on-couch-laughing-at-comedy-movie.jpg

I'd like to think that there's nothing better than hanging out with a couple of good friends, enjoying good food and having a couple of drinks. In fact, these are the moments when you cut yourself loose and stop pretending since real friends don't care about the superficiality of life. They don't care if your dirt poor or filthy rich. They don't care if your snobby, a hopeless romantic or shy. All they care about (and what you should care about) is your company and that you are able to share anything and everything with them.

Happy Moment No. 2: When my family treats me like an adult.

source: http://www.simpsoncrazy.com/content/pictures/family/SimpsonsFamily2.gif

There are moments in this world that I often feel a little put out because my father never treats me the way he should. Since I only started living with him a year ago (and that he completely missed out my baby stage), he tends to treat me like a kid. In fact, everyone in my immediate family does. Maybe this is the curse of being the youngest and being a girl. Thus, every moment when my family talks to me like an adult and converses with me without the usual jokes, taunts or even nicknames makes me jump for joy. Moments like these make me hope that they finally see. Of course, it is ruined once my dad calls me "baby" (pronounced as "Bheeh-Bheeh") or when my uncle dismisses my ideas (Yes tito, I know that face).

Happy Moment No. 3: When I Eat Something I Absolutely Love.

souce: http://www.graphicsbydezign.com/images/clip-art/food-fast.gif

Let's face it. I've perfectly substituted food with having a boyfriend, fubu, fiance, husband and lover. In fact, I think I've even substituted it for nicotine. I'm happy when I know I'm satisfied and one of the things that satisfy me the most is when I'm eating good food, having great wine or simply tasting something completely new to me. I can always count on an order of chicken wings or a simple chocolate bar to always brighten up my day.

How about you? When are you truly happy?

-Someone Anxious.