Heart.

Do you ever get that feeling that you know someone likes you? I rarely get to feel that simply because 1.) I’m often oblivious with what’s going on around me and 2.) I just don’t know the signs. Yes. Someone Anxious is also Obviously Oblivious.

The Certified Olympian once told me that people often don’t see it when people like “like” them. People are often more perceptive when it comes to other people liking their friends… In my head, I guess people are gossips that way. But I also think that people are always more concerned about others than themselves. In a way, everyone has the inclination to be a silent hero.

But despite years of not knowing the signs and playing the silent hero type; last Valentine’s Day (cheesy huh?) I realized that someone actually liked me. Someone actually like “like” me. I felt it when an old acquaintance had a one minute conversation with me and I just knew that he did. That this boy (who by the way I’m so not close to) liked me in my super short black dress, smelly blue flats, half-pony tailed hair and contact lenses. That this boy who stuttered and tried to find the words to compliment me but couldn’t, actually liked me and my extra baggage despite seeing me when I was 10 lbs. less.

So to my uncle who constantly reminds me that I will never find anyone who will be interested in me while I’m 153 lbs. and to my father who would be tease me constantly (at times that would just make me depressed) about losing weight…

…Fuck off.

I’m beautiful to someone and to my heavy, heaving but emotionally healthy heart, that’s all that matters.

 ♥ 

To all the women out there who feels the same about theirs,

Cheers!

Someone Anxious

You Only Live Once (aka The Countdown Begins)

Three days until "Vday" and I'm quite excited.

You see, I have this matchmaking friend who hinted something to this guy I liked about going out with me on a friendly date on Valentine's. The thing is, I really don't think he'll push through so we made a wager. If he decides to contact me and invite me on Monday, my friend wins. If not, I win. The deadline: Sunday night. So far, I honestly think it won't push through.

I'm not anti-Valentine's or anything. As a matter of fact, I support it (amidst all the chaos, everybody needs a little love). Still, I'm no longer a child and I'm not really expecting anything. Truth be told, I'm not really a believer of the whole "love is all about rainbows and butterflies." I know real relationships need more than just affection. Real relationships are all about trust and commitment. Something I feel I'm ready for but the world seems to think so otherwise. Despite so, I continue with my journey because I know, deep in (what's left of) my heart, he is out there and he is thinking of me.


As I've told my friend, the fool: "There will always be someone else. Don't loose hope on finding someone who can top the last one because that person your searching for is probably searching too. If you stop searching for 'him' then there will come a point he will get tired and stop searching for you too. Maybe the secret is not getting over someone. Maybe it's all about accepting how much you care about someone..."

I may not be over him totally. A part of me still long for him and still think of the "what ifs..." A part of me still cry at night and some parts of me tell me I can still forgive him.

But I know my journey is not about him. My journey is about... well... me.

Still writing,

Someone Anxious.

Some people think...

... that I am worth something. The thing is: those people I deem worth it doesn't really make me feel like I am.

Will that always be the case?

It has been proven that first impression wise, I am physically attractive. Still, sometimes I feel like I really am not worth it. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not really worth anything. Maybe there's something wrong with my attitude? Maybe I am a little bit too edgy. Maybe I do come out too strong? Maybe... I am still thinking about you and how much I still care.

Valentine's will be coming soon and I know I won't get the bouquet I always dreamed of or the pack of chocolates with a red ribbon tied around it.

Yeah, I admit. I want it. I want the big gesture. I want the colored flowers that will most likely die in a week together with the sweets that would not help my diet at all. Yes. I do agree with you... I am a hopeless romantic.

The love month is fast approaching...

... and I'm not prepared for it.

Should I even be prepared for it?

While friends of mine are talking about their dates and plans, I'm stuck with the idea of celebrating alone. Getting something fancy, probably somewhere along the lines of a fancy dinner and lingerie I'll never use. Then, epiphany. I realized that if I go to the mall and get that dinner, I'll be surrounded by couples enjoying a good meal. If I try that teddy I've been meaning to buy, I'll probably be in the store with a man buying something for his special someone.

I guess I shouldn't really prepare for it... the loneliness is inevitable.

-Someone Anxious.