Jaded

Talking to one of my team mates about work and life always seems so refreshing. Although it may not seem like it, he's actually one of the best persons I'm able to discuss about things because he (most of the times) doesn't judge the way you talk or express yourself when you do. In short, he's a good listener.

Due to a, what I call, a "series of unfortunate" events, I've been a little bit more passive about things. I've noticed that I'm more jaded about life simply because the people around me are. There are only a few people that I know who constantly shows their support for things I believe in, and I feel that instead of running against the tide, I'm just going with the flow.

During one of our brief lunch conversations, I shared my thoughts on 'jadedness' and he mentioned that it's not lack of passion or motivation but rather, I have matured - equating it to the fact that I have come to accept that my ideals are bound to never happen.

"You were too idealistic"

"You can work for the ideal but the things you envision is not going to happen."

"The faster you accept it, the more mature and better it is"

Is it wrong for me to disagree?

I doubt if my jadedness is all about becoming mature. I strongly disagree with the idea that maturity, in its entirety, is because you have come to accept that you are a corporate slave for the next 40 years or so.

What I do believe in is that we all choose and we cannot blame life if we never end up what we want to do. I believe in work to live vs. live to work. I've seen my mother and father waste away their lives and marriage because they were too busy with work rather than each other or with us, their children.

I believe in believing. Steve Jobs, in his commencement speech, said it best: "Stay Young. Stay Foolish."

The thing is, I've read the lives of gurus, travelers and successful CEOs. I've read all about people who, despite hardships, are able to succeed. The one thing I noticed is that there is no formula. The only common denominator is that everyone, despite the advice of their passive and good listening friends, stayed faithful to the vision they had for themselves.

I hear Steve Jobs' voice: "Stay Young. Stay Foolish."

Foolish in love? Yes, I've done that.

Foolish with work? Yes, more times than I can count.

Foolish for pursuing my dreams? Always.

I hear it again: "Stay Young. Stay Foolish."

So here's to 2015 and to following my dreams!

When It Rains, It Pours

It's been raining lately and I've been thinking about how when it rains, it pours.

Especially with the weather right now, I can't help to think that maybe the world sensed my gloom and automatically, they matched my mood. After months of intense heat and complains, we were finally able to experience raindrops and flooded streets. Some say it's a sign that the end is near (just as my very paranoid office mate) or that maybe the weather is going back to the way it used to be (June and July being the start of the wet season).

I've also been hearing the same expression when it comes to work.

A boss, upon congratulating me on several - albeit assisted - closes, quipped: "It seems that when it rains, it pours..." I can't help but grin, it was true. After such a "dry spell" in the workplace (including all the negative thoughts and depressing weary wondering of 'What am I doing with my life?'), I'm finally able to catch myself again and start thinking about more positive things in life and in work. I've even tried doing the whole "plastic" route. When I'm feeling the blues, I automatically think of my favorite things - thank you, Sound of Music - or start talking about positive things about someone. The goal was, fight the blues by making the people around you laugh. So far, things have been progressing quite well. This was until several things happened that make you really do wonder: "Will life keep giving you storms you can't handle?"

Even with problems, it seems that when it rains, it pours.

I don't want to fill me head with random negative thoughts, more so this blog. Although, I've been filling this blog with happier moments to get my mind off things, I need a little more light in my life.

Thinking of sunshine and the gentle afternoon breeze,

Birthday Month

The Certified Olympian did mention that my blog has had some serious undertones lately. I guess, it's been a rough couple of weeks (or even months) for me.

But I've been thinking about being "happy" lately and how it seems everyone from my age group relates it to a.) clothes, b.) money c.) someone to have sex with, or d.) all of the above. Truth is, I think I'm in a better place now then I was during the last post here and I'm back to sincerely smiling again.

One thing that made me smile though is that I was able to enjoy my "Birthday Month".

Back in college, Holly, Janey, Jackie and I would have one whole month of celebrations to celebrate one's birthday. Since all 3 of them would celebrate on December, I would be their "slave" for a whole month. And since I'm born in March, I demand that they be mine for the entire month.

Things have changed though, very seldom do I see them and in truth, very seldom do we really see the people we want to see anyways. But I did spend a part of my Birthday weekend in the beautiful island of Palawan with my college friends: Frances, Alexi and Rich.

Our view after successful spelunking adventure

I barely post pictures of my self in this blog simply because I don't want it to backfire in the future. I'm done with the whole backfire with photographic evidence thing. But I can't help it, especially with this shot by Frances:

My Birthday "Cave" Shot 

It might not seem like it, but that's actually a really high rock that I'm on top of. I knew that the boys had a semi-panic attack when I sat on it. But with my aqua/trekking shoes, nothing's impossible (thank you, Payless)!

That whole trip made me realize how much I do love my friends and how much I do appreciate them. It was worth every penny (and not eating for days afterwards). Now, the only thing I'm looking forward to is having a Saturday off (which is impossible since I'm swamped with weekend work trips).

Speaking of boys earlier, I've admitted to Carla that I've been feeling a bit "dry" (yes, it's what your thinking type of dry) in the love department. It's been two years since I last saw "him" and I think I've moved on. Although, an occasional slip of the tongue does happen when I see Holly (I have no idea why). But every time I'm with Frances and the gang, it's like I don't even think about men in general. Now, more than ever, I do believe in my theory on conversational cycles and how relationships (love or friends) all depend if there is a need that is unfulfilled through conversations.

I don't want a new relationship, I just miss the ones I have. With the busy work sched and the months to follow, I wonder if I'll ever get to grab a cup of coffee with the Certified Olympian, or catch a movie with Jackie. I've been itching to also play rugby or football with Janey and even maybe have an ice cold beer with Holly.

I think it's true with the whole geography thing. I'm not much of a South person anymore and I've come to say "no" with commuting back and forth for four hours just to spend time with some of them for 2. I think there's an injustice with that and unless a.) Manila traffic will ease up or b.) We meet on a totally free day, I'll be cooped up in my apartment watching the HIMYM finale over and over again.

Patethic? Not really. That's just me and that's what I like doing.

I'm just,

Someone Anxious.

Meat of Back Wards

Let's take a Risk:

Dear friend,

Only so few really do take the time to read and I guess I owe it up to you to share some things that we never do get the time to talk about.

I've been working hard you see. Not just with work but the blunt of the matter is: I've been working hard to stay positive as well. And yesterday - the day that all my hardwork should have paid off -
they've decided to just be frank and I end up feeling inadequate in so many levels instead.

"What's the point?"

I keep asking myself this as I lay awake at night. Apparrently I've reached the point of no return and (if I do say so myself) forward. It is sad because I honestly feel like I've been working under false pretenses.

What hurts is that apparently, the person you've defended, supported above everyone else and looked up to is assumed your enemy. I am in no competition but myself because I want to be good with what I do. That is the truth. I believe there are no comparisons and I wished that people never assumed what goes on in my head. Angry, I am not. Hurt and betrayed, I do feel. I may be young but that does not always equate to foolish. I know that I've given up so many goals for this that the truth is: it is no longer worth it.

Dearest friend, one thing I will regret is that I will surely miss you.

You have been constant light during the past two years (I dare not count my experiences prior). Your presence has made all the differences in the world and I am and always will be grateful. I wish to keep in touch but it is already hard when we work for the same person, what more when we are in two different cities?

So, let me say that the most I can offer is to be sincerely thankful and my prayers will always include you and your sister. I would also like that you remeber me from time to time. Maybe say a short prayer as I take this risk. You will be in my thoughts always and with that in mind, I do not feel leaping forward all alone...


...Someone Anxious

My Life in a Suit: Work Trips

It's been a long time since I've posted something in this in this blog. Work has officially taken over my life and for the first time in a long time, I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for this job.

 But as part of what I tell people during our programs, one sure way to counter "negativity" is to think about the positive things that you appreciate about your current situation. So, here it goes and this short post is dedicated to everyone who I miss dearly (girlaloos and college friends alike).

I think I've mentioned it here before that a big chunk of my time is spent travelling from one place to another. For those of you who don't me, I don't know why you're reading my blog but, I'm a (trying hard, wannabee) consultant. I work for an organization full-time and we do what I always thought I would be doing after college - travel and feel important.

But beyond the superficialities of my previous paragraph, everyone should know that it took me some time for me to do what I do. I started at the bottom and the rat race wasn't so kind to me at the beginning. I worked for minimum wage and eventually got lucky from there. I got transferred, my boss became my mentor (somewhat) and I ended up working with a team rather than for one.

I like what I do because I feel that I'm important. I'm not saying this because I'm vain although I am. I'm saying this because I feel like what I do has a purpose and changes a lot of people's lives. Part of my job is to talk to people and remind them to look at the brighter side of things. I help them understand that what they do contributes to the bigger picture. In short, I feel important because I help remind others that they are important.

One great perk which I am experiencing right now is that I'm in a nice suite watching TV from a flat panel screen. Although I'm due to send a report any minute now, I'm taking the time to enjoy this. After all, I might not be able to do this with my own resources so might as well sit back and relax.

There's always something nice about the idea of traveling for a living. It is extremely hard and I don't suggest it for people who have kids. But,

Blogging about it,

Someone Anxious

Life in a Suit: The City

Let's talk about the city...

No, I'm not talking about the city and that hit show where fashion and acts of the night are up and about. I'm talking about the city where I currently work where people are trying to pave a good walking experience (despite the smoke and the number of people constantly bumping you). I'm talking about the city I would like to dub thee as the 'Big M'.

After two years of working here, I realized that I'm quite familiar with everything already. From the restaurants, nearby shops, malls and its version of food trucks splattered on the sidewalks.

I'm used to the city.

But I don't live in it.

I'm fifteen minutes away from the city and on a good Saturday, I only need to catch a ride to the train and voila! Leisure time for me. On a working day, I take one of the shuttles that drops me off three blocks from my office. I love this walk and if I'm not rushing, I drop by a coffee shop along the way or near the back of my office building to buy a highly expensive cappuccino.

People are not as fashionable as you may think. A lot of times, people walk wearing flats or flip-flops. People leave their coats behind, unless their rushing to a meeting and are covered by the usual jacket or cardigan. Most of the time, a sea of black slacks would accompany you while waiting for the 'walking man' signal to turn green. During these moments, you are one of the urban workforce. You belong to a statistic of the employed (and hopefully, the dreamer). Sometimes, you might hear a man arguing on the phone or a bunch of girls with their office gossip. Nevertheless, you will always be accompanied by the last hurrah of an old, beaten down engine that is over its last miles.

Once you reach a nearby mall on a workday, the crowd becomes a force, a wave that will lead you to the train station if you do not counter their flow. Best thing to do would be to grab a bite before you tackle the commute home. An affordable sandwich is nearby if you want to feel like you are indeed in NY. You can eat on the steps of the mall center and pretend that behind you is some important building manufactured by history. If you feel rebellious, bars are quite open on a working day. They'd sell you cheap beer and give you a handful of peanuts while you light a cigarette and look important. Truthfully, I love this experience. Walking inside a restaurant, hitting straight for the bar while adjusting my suit to make yourself comfortable. Then, I light up a cig and I tell myself: "You had a pretty long day... at least your not jobless!"

However, the best part of my day would be the moment I step out of the office building with the sky not as dark as it ought to be. It feels early and I quickly put on my earphones. I smile and I start listening to my walking playlist. My step is a little bit faster when the song is upbeat and a little bit slower when I'm listening to something sad. It's that time of the day when you think: "Yeah, my personal time just started."

Because, honestly, the moment you wake up until your working hours end is all about work. It's all about finding the right outfit for work, rushing to be on time for work or even taking a bath because you don't want to smell when you're in work. It's not true that you can have lunch outside (unless you're having it with your own colleagues because you do work still while eating) or you can play hookie just like that (because you probably won't have work when they find out that you have no valid reason to take a leave that day).

Working in the city is hard and people always assume that it will be easy just like in the movies. I guess, what's keep me sane is the idea that when my work hours end, my personal one begins and that's why you have to get through the day.

So that's my life in a suit while working in the city. I hope you understand now why I find it so hard to meet at times. I also hope that you get it, that it's not that I'm pulling away, but I can't always extend the effort. The city is near, accessible and more affordable to me.

Suited,

Someone Anxious.

Writing About: Life in a suit

Everyone's been doing a lot of writing exercises lately. In fact, most people I follow have started and even Holly has her own version...

I thought it would be nice to keep tabs with people by writing about how my every day is going (and not just about what I feel when I'm hyped or extremely blue). But instead of talking not talking about anxiety (like Holly) or the brighter side of things, I've decided to write about my life and majority of it being my work...

Don't worry, I won't talk about company secrets or gossip. The posts won't be anything about hot office romances (which I'm not the type, truth be told) or any of the nitty gritty details that won't make any sense if you don't really know me.

Life in a Suit posts will be more of me (well, duh - it is my blog) and what are my thoughts about working on a specific day. What makes working corporate so special or (for some) dull. I know a lot of people hate talking about work but maybe this way, some of my friends might understand what I do a little bit more and realize why exactly do I do what I do.

I can't promise that there won't be some rants along the way but what I can say is that this little exercise might be able to help me (and you) realize the simple joys of working an 8 - 5 type of job.

Hope to inspire (you and I both),

Someone Anxious

Out with the Old... In with the New!

I've decided to change the interface of my blog again.

Hopefully, this will get me to start writing again.

Work wise, I know many changes are coming too! Now, I am asked to think about a contingency plan - a "what if" just in case the worst case scenario happens. Of course, the responsible answer would be to call my 'Port Uncle', ask for forgiveness and slave away under him. But, just for fun, I've decided to enumerate all the possibilities in the most exaggerated manner possible.

Here they are:

Contingency Plan #1: Become a Men's Fashion Consultant

This might come out weird to you but as I told Holly a while back, this makes a lot of sense. I grew up with my old school, suit wearing, polo shirt playing, movie screening going grandfather. I grew up with three gay uncles (one being a fashion designer) and I've done it countless of times for my 'He-was-a-skater-boy-now-a-hotshot-dj' cousin. I look towards the men section first before the female in any clothing store I enter. I know what goods look in a man (definitely not jeans and slippers combined) and I know how to spot a good color combination. In addition, I'm a self proclaimed tomboy-chic wannabe. :)

Here's the plan: 1.) Whatever I save up from my job now, I use to pay my rent for the next X no. of months. 2.) I work from home using my cousin's wifi and my laptop to set up a website and contact old friends who are now making a name for themselves. 3.) I offer them a deal in which they pay for my services while they shop so that I can point out which should be the ones they buy or not. 4.) They pay me 1.5K for the whole day or 1K for the half day

Yay or Nay?


Contingency Plan #2: Try Out For the Big G!

Ever since I was in college, Google has always been the benchmark for what is a good and innovative company. Since I heard about them setting up shop nearby, I've been thinking if I'm fit for them. I love slides (and I don't mind using one to go to lunch)! I love computers (I'm addicted to mine). I love getting information (ask the people I work with, I Google everything). More importantly, I'm a fan of Project Glass and my dream is to be the first one here in the country to try it out (still hoping for that one).

The Plan: 1.) I start researching on ways to apply. 2.) Brush up on company history, fun facts and start listing down questions I need to ask. 3.) Apply 4.) Wait for their call until the world ends.

Yay or Nay?


Contingency Plan #3: Set Up Shop...

I'm a little bit flustered on how little time I'm able to spend with Holly and our Indie Publishing project. Although, things are going well, I'm still not able to see my own personal ROI and I blame not marketing my part well enough and source out better suppliers to provide the Kits. But, if I do end up working for my 'Port Uncle', I'm going to ask for a 3 times a week work schedule where I can give the other 3 days to working with Holly.

Given my expectations: here's the plan: 1.) Beg for forgiveness from my uncle and ask if I can still take his previous offer. 2.) Talk to Holly and make sure she agrees with the plan 3.) Start working for my uncle 4.) Get better suppliers with Holly 5.) Make sure I'm able to pay rent on time.



Yay or Nay?

---

Again, these are just some exaggerated scenarios. However, as always, exaggerations always seem like the adventurous choice.

Someone Anxious.

Time vs. Timing

I guess if you know me, you know how much pressure I have to look old at work. Not only am I pressured to look like I'm 28 (which by now I have come to accept as an industry standard) but I'm also asked to act old. A task which, to some people, I've come to perfect with all the chaos my family life brought upon me.

I'm not really complaining. I like my life and I love what I do for a living (except when there are Devil Wears Prada and Sex and the City moments). I am grateful. It's just that...

...I miss being my age. Honestly, I miss being young.

I'm going to see Motion City Soundtrack tonight and I've been catching up with some songs. In their song Timelines, there's a line that goes: "It's not a matter of time. It's just a matter of timing." This made me think. This song is quite different from all of the other one's I used to listen to during a hot Saturday before band practice. Did J.P. grow old too just like me? In my head, the whole band is in this vacuum with my 15 year old self.

I've been wearing a lot of sneakers during the weekends to remind myself that I'm not 28, I'm not married and I don't need to walk through the mall in my suit. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I'm tired of pretending.

Even up to now, 30 minutes before I'm about to meet up with my friends for the concert, I still don't know what to wear... I'm pretty sure my RL polo shirts are out of place. Checking my closet earlier, I have nothing but those and now I know I am tired. I'm tired of being 30 and I miss being 21.

One thing is for sure...

I'm leaving my work mandated "wedding ring" at home tonight. Tonight is the night to be young (this sounds like a cliche line from a song).

And even though I know they are not playing it tonight, I'll be listening to Hold Me Down simply because I want to be reminded how to be 15 again.

Remembering,

Someone Anxious.

Wow.

It's been awhile since I updated and all I can really say is: "Wow".

My recent work transfer has had me running around everywhere and although I am grateful, there are a lot of things that I miss (just like updating this blog).

What can I say? Very different really. Everything is so fast now and the days go by like nothing. I think, for the first time in a long while, I love what I do. I get to learn and at the same time, I feel like I'm doing something I honestly want to do. Yes. I am tired. But I am fulfilled. I go to bed happy and excited for the next day.

I'm happy.

It's June already (as my friend told me: "You've been a corporate slave for a year.") and I have to start with more personal projects... like moving out.

Yes! It is official. I have to get my own place. My sister might be back or we might see each other earlier than I anticipated. Thus, the search for a cheap but livable (and hopefully nearby apartment) starts this month. I promised myself that I would be moving out by July, September the most.

Apartment hunting anyone?

Cheers!

Someone Anxious.

Reminding you of what you are certain.

I once wrote about surprises and how positive ones are the few good things in this world that makes me absolutely happy. Got another work related surprise this week and now I am sitting in a very  comfortable chair inside an amazing (and functional) room up in the mountains.

This trip came about the right time for me. I was beginning to feel a lot of doubt and uncertainty with what I really want to do. Holly, I know you are so sick and tired of hearing this from me (especially when you hear it from your family too but now you have to read it). For that, I'm sorry but there really are moments when I'm not sure of things. Yes, I know. That's life and you are never really sure about these things.

This place is amazing and would be one of the places I must go back to (if they allow it) for pleasure. I honestly wish to own this place and just live in this room, with this view.

And this one.

Cheers!
Someone Anxious.