Sometimes...

...I don't appreciate the things you associate with me.

My friends, I honestly don't find it funny. Honestly, I just wanted to greet all of you and tell you guys that I'm hoping you have a great time without me.

So much for being with all of you in spirit (or over the phone).

Whatever.

Just so you know...

...I really hate it when that happens.

I'm merely a follower.

-S.A.

Another Open Letter

 

Dearest, friend.

Are we even that? Honestly, I thought we weren't. I thought we were mere acquaintances and the fact that you tried to get to know me made you my friend. But since I'm being honest, you are not a friend. Friends go deeper and get along better. They can tell each other anything without having to lie. Just because you do this or allow you to do that doesn't make us friends. Thus, I am still able to say things without feeling a bit guilty. I am still able to comment on this or that without feeling sorry that it might hurt you. Forgive me if it does but since I feel I am rightly justified, I will continue to do so because that's me the same way that being you annoys the hell out of me. 

You might think that it's alright. You might even think that it's okay to be so inconsiderate. It might have been the people you grew up with or the people who passed by your life years back... but just so you know, I am not one of them. I am of the present and it would really help if you would be a little bit more sensitive to others. Your actions, at times - I give you that - make it impossible for me not to say things behind your back. I am truly sorry for this and it really isn't like me but at times I couldn't really help it. 

If only you knew how you make other people cringe. I really thought by now you could have gotten the message but it seems like you really are that insensitive. Like that time you were talking about a place no one knew about a time we never shared? You really shouldn't because people don't really care. Fun facts are okay at times but honestly, fun facts about yourself doesn't really work. Give people time to speak and don't take the floor. Living means we are in the business of people and making relationships. Don't make it harder for everyone. 

At times, I don't even really know if what you say is true and the pity party doesn't really go well with you. You say you just want to be yourself and that if there's anything that bothers us, we should just tell... well, we can't because you'll throw another pity party and I don't think we'll be able to stand another one.

Dearest friend, everything is not what it seems and I know you know. Please be conscious about it before everybody rips their heads off out of annoyance.

Maybe this will make a dent,
Someone Anxious.

Another Shout Out Post.

I hate it when you do that.

~

You are never a victim... we are never out to get you. You are just so annoying at times. Will you ever be considerate about other people?

Your name and mine. Inside a heart upon a wall. Still finds a way to haunt me .Though they're so small.

All of a sudden, I had this impulse to search for Vonda Shepard lyrics, specifically Walk Away Renee. The chorus just keeps going in my head and when I was reading the lyrics online, I couldn't help but think about people who I will forever be connected to.

Sometimes I wonder about our connections and how strong they could be. There are people in this world that I will always be connected to and I will be grateful for that. It is just sad because at times, there are people we would like to bury and forget (sometime bury and forgive) and the universe just won't let us. They constantly haunt us because some lines are much to strong to break. We talk to them despite wanting not to. We forgive them despite the pain they've caused.

I love you but what you've put me through makes me wonder if it is actually worth it. I am thankful for the years, the care and most of all the life I live but I'm not sure you realize that you've also given me painful years to come because of your actions.

I love you, you know, only sometimes it just doesn't show.

S.A.

Sometimes in life...

...there are people you would no longer would want to be in contact with. This is totally different from those you choose to forget and this is totally different from those who you would like to be part of your life but have no means to actually connect (and at times reconnect) with them. Yes. There are people in my life that I would no longer would want to be in contact with.

She's actually one of them.

I never really liked her because out of the millions of people I've met in my lifetime, she's the most manipulative of them all. I will never forget how she made me feel like a nobody or how she'd only talk to me when she found out that I had a gift for getting top scores in every test.

Out of everyone I ever knew, she's the person who always made me feel like I was not special in any sense. In a way, she always made me feel like I was alone in a crowded room. Yes. Every time I hear Jack's Mannequin's Dark Blue, I remember her and all the times she made me feel like shit.

You say she didn't mean it?

Honestly, I know she did. She thrives in knowing the dirt to say things that can harm you. I know. I experienced it. I don't live a holy life and I do a lot of things that to others might seem a little bit risky. I don't play the good girl drinking coke behind her parents' back. I am what I am and if I hide things, it is only because I know that people might get hurt knowing what I do/know. This is what she'll never have. I am what I am and at times I will cease to care only to realize that I should. I don't give a flying fuck if he laughs at me or his friends all know. I don't care. Honestly, I don't.

That's why I'll be what you'll always strive to be.

Someone Anxious