I could have been your friend.

I've been thinking about you. What else is new? I've been thinking about you for over a year now and I'm beginning to think that maybe the cards are right. They've been right so far.Around the same time last year, I was so hung up on you that I asked a friend to tell my fortune. It was all fun and laughs at first (I never really thought of it seriously) until now that I realized everything he said came true.

The reading goes like this: I am interested in two completely different men. An older man and a younger one. The older one brings out the passion in me and he will be the one I choose despite the presence of a younger man who can give me the security I crave. In the end, I will end up with no one.

True.

Sometimes I wonder about foreshadowing and how life seems like a tunnel filled with signs of what's to come. Sometimes I wonder about how I could have missed it? How could I have missed all the signs telling me I can never have you or him. Sometimes I think about that night and how nights before that were different. A million other girls and a million other nights. I was just one of them.

I've been listening to that song we both were drawn to that night and I think about how Norah Jones couldn't have put it better when she said: Yeah, you're great, you're just par of this lifetime of dreaming. I'm pretty sure I will stop dreaming of you one day. I'm pretty sure I'll get over this whole thing of feeling used. After all, feeling used is better than feeling useless and at least I know I did something (almost everything) to try.

I can't help but cry every time I hear this: Can I stay until the milkman's working? Can I stay until the cafe awakes? Do you hate me in the light? Did you get a fright when you looked across from where you lay? I was really hoping for more but not too much. More of like a respectable understanding. I was hoping to stay longer, maybe a few days, a week... maybe forever. Maybe you really didn't like what you saw and I can't blame you for that. Just so you know, despite your knobby knees, I cared.


I am like the best friend in Harry met Sally. He's never going to leave her. Yes. Accept it. Hey, at least she gets her happy ending.

Waiting for mine,
Someone Anxious

Hurt in more ways than one.

Lately, I 've been feeling that my existence revolves around hurting people who cares for me and being hurt by people who I care for deeply. Somehow, I feel as if I can't do anything right. By being me, I end up hurting others and by not being me I end up hurting myself.

I'm sorry that you fell in love with me. I'm sorry that I am me and who I am is not what you need. I'm sorry that I do care but by doing so, I hurt you in more ways than one.

I forgive you though there is nothing to forgive. I still care by the way. I still think of you everyday although I no longer hope. I know what I was and I know what it was. It was nothing. I was nothing and since everything I thought that was something turned out to be truly nothing, there is nothing to forgive... no one to forgive but myself.

I know you still love her and she will always be the one. It hurts me to think that I can never ever be with you the way I wish. I am over him. Now, I'm hung up on you. Story of my life.

Rejection.
Hurt.
In more ways than one,

Someone Anxious.

The one?

I've been hanging a lot with this good girl friend of mine and a few weeks ago we were bonding over how both of us are sort of still in love with some guy who sort of broke our hearts. Yeah. Story of your life? I'm thinking about it now and I know a lot of people who feel the same or has the same plot line as ours.

My friend and I were talking about how there are other people out there who would actually want to be with us but for some unknown reason, we still care for someone else, that someone who broke our hearts and left us to bleed in the sidewalk. The funny thing is, we seem to think that these cruel heartless men are the only ones who we could actually imagine ourselves to be with. Even if we imagine ourselves to be with other people, it would be because they would have saved us from loving these heartless men of ours.

I guess this is a whole new concept of "The One" where that person is the one who influences are lives so... not necessarily somebody we end up with or be in a relationship with but, someone who became such a moving factor in our lives.

So for now...

...he is still the one for yours truly,
Someone Anxious.

Another Wasted Outfit

As my day comes to an end, I realize that I have wasted another beautiful outfit.

Every morning, I wake up a little earlier than usual with thoughts of you in my head. I know, from the edge of my soul, that your name unconsciously slips off my lips as I struggle to open my eyes and embrace a day knowing that you don't even think of me. So, everyday I wake up a little earlier than usual to choose the perfect outfit that would make you think of me once again. Everyday I wake up a little earlier to take a comforting shower wishing I was using your bath scents instead. Then, I would choose what I think is the perfect outfit and at the back of my mind I know that I'm doing so simply because I'm still hoping of bumping into you.

So, everyday I wake up a little earlier than usual and as I put on a supposedly perfect outfit I think of you and if you'd like it. I think of how do you like my hair, tied up or loose in all its glory. I think of you possibly thinking of me... possibly wanting more with me.

I walk towards my destination, carelessly pretending that you are walking beside me, talking to me and treating me as your equal. Of course, I know you're not really there and I know that you never would treat me as such but I find the idea comforting so I indulge myself despite what seems to be insanity for my part. Then, a cup of coffee and a few cigarettes later I realize that waiting for you on this bench is fruitless and I go on with my day hoping to see at least a glimpse of you.

I tell everybody I'm fine and that I'm okay with it. Taking the high road supposedly is my new motto right now and people believe me because I have the most deceptive smile - years of theater classes paying off admirably. Only a few people notice the extra attention I give to myself. Close friends don't even notice it. Still, I'm the only one who knows why I really do this... why I really torture myself and wake up a little earlier than usual.

I do it because I hope that one day I bump into you and I'm wearing a beautiful outfit that would make you think of me once again.

Today, I woke up a little earlier than usual.

Today, another perfect outfit was wasted.

Not sure if I'm still looking forward for tomorrow,

Someone Anxious.

Hurting

…Again and again…because those

I care for best, do me

Most harm…

 - Sappho

Yes. I'm still hurting. I'm still hurting because I still care. Do people really expect me to just move on like that? To just not think about it? Why can't they understand that the last thing I need would be happy banter. The last think I need would be people making fun of things they barely give time to comprehend.

Yeah. For awhile, I'll be the bad vibe in every party.

It's not like I want to be the party pooper. Do they honestly think that I like crying myself to sleep?




~

I was looking for something in my room today and I stumbled upon this letter I wrote to him a few months back. I was in this retreat of sorts and we were asked to write a letter to someone we deemed worthy together with a letter to God. I couldn't even look at it. I shred it to pieces and threw it straight into the bin while trying not to cry.

It still hurts... so much.

-Someone Anxious.