Relate-able: Post Secret

They weren't really bullies. But I'd like to think of them as bitches - they were mostly girls that annoyed me because I knew they thought I was smelly and unkempt. They were girls that fed on other people's insecurities and I had a lot.

I'm sure I was a bully too at some point or another. That was school. It was high school.

I'm not planning to go back. I can't. But if I could, I would have tried less to fit in and tried harder to have fun.

X

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin

Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in

Now you're outside me you see all the beauty

Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose

I chose to feel it and you couldn't chose

I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news

From a house down the road, from real love

Thinking about it now, I can't seem to find a more fitting song than Stars' Your Ex-Lover is Dead. Although I'm not saying he's dead literally but I think it's more of really realizing that the things you sort of hope that was there isn't really there.

I'm sure I'm not making sense to you (my interested albeit few), reader. If you don't know me that well, I probably won't. The best way I can explain it is that, now, I feel like I'm getting a part of me back by loosing something totally different. I do feel bad because my "liberation" came with a fake one.

Frances once quipped how liberating a carnival ride was for her and we laughed it off because we survived the experience. In hindsight, it was no laughing matter. Frances was one of the most silent and proper individuals I know. It was indeed liberating for her, but it was also liberating for me to break the idea that this friend is simply my prim and proper friend. I don't want to "process" this too much (as we say in my line of work). But I think it all boils down to the idea that a lucid moment can come from all the madness of everyday life and a random plan with someone you hoped would be different by now.

I've also come to accept that in any relationship - we cannot and should not change the person. Regardless if it's for the night, a month with a card, and a number of years - we bond (for lack of a better term) because we know that they are worth it and not because they are ideal. I think people have the tendency to hope for someone to change for them because it is portrayed as the most romantic gesture of the lifetime. Now, more than ever, I just find it stupid. People change on their own, for their own reasons. Real character is measured by this and not by those around the person. We just always assume that we are worth the change but maybe in reality, we are not worth anything at all.

We cannot stop people from changing. I'm not the same person that I was when our hands, held together by the idea that sweaty palms were romantic, were hidden from view care of our Jansport bags. The same way I've come to accept that you will never be the man you thought you would be, I think it's high time you accept I'm no longer the girl who had carefree thoughts on how to rule the world.

Thank you for the night. Thank you for the future nights. But more importantly, thank you for helping me understand my changes a little bit better.

Knowing that something cannot be because you actually tried to make it work is indeed liberating. Knowing that there are, indeed, things you just don't want simply because you don't want them in it is also liberating. Knowing that you are ready for a different one, a someone that you know might not be the one, is the most liberating thought of all.

I'm sorry if you're not the one.

Taking leaps,

Someone Anxious

Lights Out

We don't have forever

Baby daylight's wasting

You better kiss me

Before our time is run out

Nobody sees what we see

They're just hopelessly gazing

Baby take me

Before they turn the lights out

It's been a while since I've blogged about more personal endeavors. Although I've been pouring all my efforts in my food blog, there are things that I feel like I should share in this semi-private hole in the internet.

I've been thinking about moving lately.

Like physically moving, changing locations and leaving everything behind.

Since I've accepted that I won't be up for the "prestigious" scholarship (thank you very much, people who care), I've been thinking about just following my dream and moving to a totally different place. My mom has been sharing how they're planning to buy a home in the suburbs and I'm thinking that maybe in a year's time, I can comfortably follow.

There's just so many uncomfortable things running around here.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this from time to time. But honestly, I want to clear my head and I know for a fact that I can't clear it here. I feel like despite the smiles, I'm slowly burning myself out. I'm tired of trying to make an effort of having a good time or feeling like my old self when those things SHOULD come naturally to everyone.

People say it's because I'm growing up. I like to think that it's only because I'm growing old. When people say age is just a number and you know for a fact that it isn't, I think that's a sign. I'm scared because I'm starting to forget. I'm forgetting not just the actual number, but what should be experienced with it. I worry about too many things that doesn't matter. I start paying to take those long walks I know I could have for free. Then I start making a big deal out of it because I know it should be free. It's a cycle and I know for a fact that I don't want to be part of it.

I've come to realize that it is not in the process of losing everything, but rather, in the process of gaining everything that we loose who we are as individuals.

I guess, I just want to be preventive rather than reactive. I've learned to take multivitamins for my body. Maybe, I should earn courage for my soul.


Working on to be,

Someone Anxious.

Random Thoughts: An Inability to Explain

I think that most people take a lot of things for granted.

Like when someone listens to you.

Even though I like to talk (as most people would think I do but I really don't), I listen more carefully.

I listen to rants. I listen to complains. I listen to instructions...

...I listen to you.

So please, please, please, for one minute don't ever assume that I did not listen to you. Don't make me do something just for the sake of doing something. I am (and consequently, you are) better than that.

Thanks!

Sincerely,

Someone Anxious

Birthday Month

The Certified Olympian did mention that my blog has had some serious undertones lately. I guess, it's been a rough couple of weeks (or even months) for me.

But I've been thinking about being "happy" lately and how it seems everyone from my age group relates it to a.) clothes, b.) money c.) someone to have sex with, or d.) all of the above. Truth is, I think I'm in a better place now then I was during the last post here and I'm back to sincerely smiling again.

One thing that made me smile though is that I was able to enjoy my "Birthday Month".

Back in college, Holly, Janey, Jackie and I would have one whole month of celebrations to celebrate one's birthday. Since all 3 of them would celebrate on December, I would be their "slave" for a whole month. And since I'm born in March, I demand that they be mine for the entire month.

Things have changed though, very seldom do I see them and in truth, very seldom do we really see the people we want to see anyways. But I did spend a part of my Birthday weekend in the beautiful island of Palawan with my college friends: Frances, Alexi and Rich.

Our view after successful spelunking adventure

I barely post pictures of my self in this blog simply because I don't want it to backfire in the future. I'm done with the whole backfire with photographic evidence thing. But I can't help it, especially with this shot by Frances:

My Birthday "Cave" Shot 

It might not seem like it, but that's actually a really high rock that I'm on top of. I knew that the boys had a semi-panic attack when I sat on it. But with my aqua/trekking shoes, nothing's impossible (thank you, Payless)!

That whole trip made me realize how much I do love my friends and how much I do appreciate them. It was worth every penny (and not eating for days afterwards). Now, the only thing I'm looking forward to is having a Saturday off (which is impossible since I'm swamped with weekend work trips).

Speaking of boys earlier, I've admitted to Carla that I've been feeling a bit "dry" (yes, it's what your thinking type of dry) in the love department. It's been two years since I last saw "him" and I think I've moved on. Although, an occasional slip of the tongue does happen when I see Holly (I have no idea why). But every time I'm with Frances and the gang, it's like I don't even think about men in general. Now, more than ever, I do believe in my theory on conversational cycles and how relationships (love or friends) all depend if there is a need that is unfulfilled through conversations.

I don't want a new relationship, I just miss the ones I have. With the busy work sched and the months to follow, I wonder if I'll ever get to grab a cup of coffee with the Certified Olympian, or catch a movie with Jackie. I've been itching to also play rugby or football with Janey and even maybe have an ice cold beer with Holly.

I think it's true with the whole geography thing. I'm not much of a South person anymore and I've come to say "no" with commuting back and forth for four hours just to spend time with some of them for 2. I think there's an injustice with that and unless a.) Manila traffic will ease up or b.) We meet on a totally free day, I'll be cooped up in my apartment watching the HIMYM finale over and over again.

Patethic? Not really. That's just me and that's what I like doing.

I'm just,

Someone Anxious.

Yuppie

I've decided to take a risk lately and finally "pursue" a dream of mine... in a form of a scholarship grant that would take me far away from here.

"Here" being where I am currently typing this, 30 minutes before I officially start working.

I hate the fact that most people consider me a "Yuppie".

Last night, after receiving some disheartening news (again, delayed communication - I would appreciate knowing things as close to real time when it concerns me), I've realized that most "Yuppies" or "Youngies" - as I see no difference from this side of the world - don't need anything but support and a tap on the back.

Stupid of me to think that I would find it here.

I've been feeling like a minimalist painting recently. Did you ever observe how most people would classify a minimalist painting as "minimalist" but what you see is an explosion of colors, shapes and strokes? I'm sure when the artist was painting, he never thought of his work as "minimal" but maybe painted it because he, indeed, feel minimal instead.

"Yes, I know there are bigger things going on..."

"Yes, I understand that there are other people's interest also on the line..." 

"Yes, I know I can work around it."

"Yes, I should enjoy the free ride. Yes, I am grateful."

I'm tired of saying "Yes."

After all, there WAS only one place I thought of after pursuing this. I thought that maybe I could come back, pick up where I left of. Because, honestly I wasn't doing it to satisfy my yuppie cravings. I was doing it because I wanted to be like everyone else.

So hell, if I can't and even if I wanted to so badly, I know that a "no" is a "no" and a "yes" is a "yes". If being young means I have goals to achieve, then I think I should no longer hide the fact that I am young, a yuppie if you may. Even if I'm young, I know that comfort is the rival of success. If I just wait around, there's a chance that nothing may happen as compared to me moving on and knowing that THINGS CAN HAPPEN.

I CAN HAPPEN.

So here's to this moment! Pushing through and moving on, finally!

Carpe Diem,

Someone Anxious

Meat of Back Wards

Let's take a Risk:

Dear friend,

Only so few really do take the time to read and I guess I owe it up to you to share some things that we never do get the time to talk about.

I've been working hard you see. Not just with work but the blunt of the matter is: I've been working hard to stay positive as well. And yesterday - the day that all my hardwork should have paid off -
they've decided to just be frank and I end up feeling inadequate in so many levels instead.

"What's the point?"

I keep asking myself this as I lay awake at night. Apparrently I've reached the point of no return and (if I do say so myself) forward. It is sad because I honestly feel like I've been working under false pretenses.

What hurts is that apparently, the person you've defended, supported above everyone else and looked up to is assumed your enemy. I am in no competition but myself because I want to be good with what I do. That is the truth. I believe there are no comparisons and I wished that people never assumed what goes on in my head. Angry, I am not. Hurt and betrayed, I do feel. I may be young but that does not always equate to foolish. I know that I've given up so many goals for this that the truth is: it is no longer worth it.

Dearest friend, one thing I will regret is that I will surely miss you.

You have been constant light during the past two years (I dare not count my experiences prior). Your presence has made all the differences in the world and I am and always will be grateful. I wish to keep in touch but it is already hard when we work for the same person, what more when we are in two different cities?

So, let me say that the most I can offer is to be sincerely thankful and my prayers will always include you and your sister. I would also like that you remeber me from time to time. Maybe say a short prayer as I take this risk. You will be in my thoughts always and with that in mind, I do not feel leaping forward all alone...


...Someone Anxious