Special.

Everybody wants to feel special. Truth  be told, people do things the way they do because they want to be unique... different. Whether it's getting special treatment in a department store or getting the best tables in a restaurant, everybody just wants to feel special.

In a way, I want to feel special to him.

The thing is, everything he does makes me feel special (even though there's nothing special about it). My heart is clogging up my senses and all of a sudden everything he does is for me. Then, you see something (a piece of evidence) and you realize that you're not special at all... especially to him.

Sad, but it's the truth.

Cringe.

Do you ever feel like cringing simply because you suddenly remembered something about him?

Happens to me all the time actually.

Sometimes, it's not even a memory. Recently, even random moments (somewhat associated with him) make me cringe and all of a sudden I feel like I want to throw up. I always thought that this was because I'm trying to get over him. If you think about it, I cringe with just the very thought of him... What more if I saw him, right?

Yesterday, I saw him and I didn't even cringe at all. In passing, there were a few nods and a smile. Nothing to actually spark conversation and I think it was because I was in a group. Then, when I was alone and I bumped into him, there it was.

No cringing just a touch, a peck on the cheek and similar conversations like before.

I really can't hate him. No matter how much I (sort of) hate him and no matter how much I don't want to; I just couldn't help it. I really couldn't. I still "like" him and I've realized that I shouldn't fight it. I shouldn't tell myself that I shouldn't or that eventually I won't. I'll just have to live with it and eventually (hopefully) a day will come when I really don't.

Cringing as I write this,
Someone Anxious

For some unknown reason...

...you will haunt me forever.

Let's keep it at that.

I believe in you, Romeo.

I'm coping so far.

Going man-less is not as tiring as I thought it would be although I'm back to my old romantic self hoping to be rescued by my prince.

Still, I'm not into it as before.

Which is good... i think.

Last night, we met up with an old friend and talked about tattoos. I always liked the idea of one but I'm not sure if I can stand the pain of getting one. We were talking about what type of tattoo they'd get and I realized that if I will get one that has text on it, I'd place this line from The Gaslight Anthem's song She Loves You:

"I believe in you, Romeo."

I don't know why, but it sounds like something I would say. I know I'm not Juliet, smoking by the window but for some unknown reason I feel as if I do believe in someone out there. I do believe in my Romeo, whoever he is.

Yes, I'm still going man-less, but I'm slowly returning to my old self... my real self.

Romeo, I'm just here. Maybe... someday... one day... it will be my day. :)

Still Waiting,
Someone Anxious.

Man-less Update: Name exercise

I've been doing this pretty cool mental exercise that allows me to forget him.

You see, I have this habit of saying his name out loud and every time I do, I just end up thinking about him. Now. In line with this whole conscious effort thing, every time I actually do say his name out loud,  I say all of my old flames' names.

It's a nice exercise to make me stop putting him on a pedestal of sorts.

Someone Anxious.

Someone Anxious goes Man-less.

Okay. It's been a long time and I have a lot on my plate. So many things have happened since my last post and I guess the title of this one explains it all.

Yes. I am going "man-less"

I am taking the conscious effort to focus on myself, my growth and all that jazz. This conscious effort also includes not thinking about romantic relationships with the opposite sex, not thinking about an ex or former lover and maybe reviving old flames with them and simply not putting love above everything else.

A friend pointed out to me once that I follow my heart over my mind most of the time and that's what gets me in trouble. I never thought I got it bad until I was looking for jobs online one day. Since finishing my degree, I've been looking for work and I realized that every thing that comes up, I think about him and if it is possible to meet him with this line of work. Really annoying.

So, from now on, I'm taking the man-less diet. Until when? Indefinitely. Yes. Indefinitely.I'm going man-less until I feel that I am capable of putting reason before love and that I am able to make decisions that won't include the chance of meeting him.

It's hard after years of self-conditioning.

Hopefully, I'll make it through alive.

Someone Anxious.

Things you can't take back.

Sometimes, I think about moments in my life I wish I could take back. I often act before thinking my actions through and in the end I just make a fool out of myself.

Sometimes, I wish I could take back what I said to an old flame or to an enemy. Sometimes, I wish I could take back moments spent thinking about you or "what ifs" and all that jazz. Sometimes, I wish I could take back falling in love and all the pain and humiliation it caused me.

Then I realize...

...these are the things that I can never ever take back.

I can never take back the moment I told him that it was indeed possible. I can never take back the hours spent day dreaming about us and how it would be like. I can never take back that moment in my life where I engraved it in stone and said I liked you or the countless nights I spent thinking about how much it hurts.

Things you can't take back are the most painful ones because it constantly reminds us of how much it hurts.