Heads We Will and Tails We'll Try Again...

Holly was such a big fan of The Calling. In fact, she absolutely adored Alex Band. She was the one who introduced me to them and eventually, to Santana's Why Don't You and I (w/c Alex Band was a part of).

Browsing through some random videos in YouTube, I've come across the song again and it felt heartwarming and saddening to hear it after a long time. Hearing it brought me back to my childhood days where we would ride the bus home and sing our lungs out to Maroon 5 or whatever song we seem to like (including Why Don't You and I). It's heartwarming because I remember carefree days and it's saddening because I know I can never have it back... I can never have my old purple room back, the rabbit wallpaper, my library, our lazy boy and the house that I wanted to get married in. I can never have it back and I think, I'll never ever come to terms with that. No matter how many times I write about it or cry about it, I can never ever have it back. In fact, I think I can never ever get over it. I'm still affected just like the way I'm affected with CSI.

I keep telling the girls that I'm so affected by Grissom and Sara (characters from CSI) breaking up. I was such a big fan and the show practically took over part of my tweenie years. I was obsessed! I was so obsessed that I suddenly had high scores in science because I decided I wanted to be a CSI (as if that's really feasible in this country).

The truth is, I'm affected not because I really want them to be together. But I'm affected because if there was one thing I was right about in this world was that they would (and they did) end up together. I was so adamant and during the days that nobody deemed me to be right with anything, Grissom running after Sara in Costa Rica made me realize that I had every right to be... right. It may not come often, but if I observe enough (I didn't want to use 'follow the evidence' - too cliche), my hypotheses can be right.

CSI also brings me comfort. It reminds me of the days when I could stay up late to watch TV on a Sunday night before school starts the next day. It reminds me of days when we would go to the grocery together (my mom, my sister and my brother) and try to finish everything before 12 so we can hurry home and watch the Sunday recap. It reminds me of Wednesday nights when my sister and I would watch the latest episode over popcorn (she wasn't a health freak then). It reminds me of a time when my brother and I had a common interest simply because we exchanged passing words over what happened to the last episode.

CSI reminds me of better - albeit past - days. Maybe that's why I keep watching it. I may never have those days again or my old purple room or the rabbits that kept my walls company. I may never be able to see the books that kept me and my library busy or our worn down beige colored lazy boy that my sister adored. I may never again set foor in the cream colored, green roofed house that had the most beautiful garden with a blue tiled outdoor area where I wanted to host my wedding party. But I still have stories of Sin City and the crimelab and how two people everyone kept telling me was wrong for each other actually ended up together (and now separating). I still have a crush on Greg Sanders and I still like bugs (just not roaches).

I don't have much and loosing it all affected me more than anyone will ever know but I still have the things that I like. So I apologize if I talk about CSI or old things that interest me too much. I'm just...

...Coping,

Someone Anxious.

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

"Out there things can happen

and frequently do

to people as brainy

and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,

don't worry.  Don't stew.

Just go right along.

You'll start happening too."

 - Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss

I've had great plans for this post and I'm not sure I can do it justice with how I feel now. Just this afternoon, I  lost my cool (which has been happening quite recently) and just like in You've Got Mail, I feel awful... really awful because I can't not have heart for these things nor can I stomach the idea of loosing people's good faith.

Still, after watching It Takes Two and reminiscing about the days when the Olsen twins where my idols and Kirstie Alley did not have to loose so much pounds to feel beautiful, I realized that maybe, just maybe, I can still write about the things that I am so happy/grateful for.

This is it:

I guess I'm pretty lucky. For the past three weeks, I've been travelling non-stop.  I'm not sure if I blogged about this already but the reason why I was so adamant to go into what I do now is because of the idea of travelling for a living. Given that I don't always get the opportunity to do a lot of it, but there are moments when the universe just gives you what you want.

Place No. 1: Caramoan

A long over due out of town trip with my college friends was what exactly I needed to sort of relax and just forget about the downside of work. We've been planning to go to the beach for about two years now and finally - after 12 hours inside a bus and 2 hours sitting right next to a stranger in a boat filled that smelled like urine, there we were! Caramoan!

photo credit to our tour guide who climbed what they call the "lagoon"

Let me just say that Frances did an amazing job to find us a budget tour that had it all. We had decent lodgings, snorkling, island hopping and three full meals. Rides to the port included! Honestly, if I had all the money in this world, I'll just buy an island and set up a house (with a decent bathroom) and live there. Then again, we all know that some dreams may not really happen in real life so let's just settle with me telling you all about our trip.

The best part for me would be drinking fresh coconut juice in the middle of the ocean. One of the stops during the island hopping tour was a secluded beach where there were floating cottages and a man selling fresh coconuts. Given that the water (which was a clear blue) was waist high and the sand was so fine, we decided to grab some coconuts and drink while swimming.

Place No. 2: Antipolo

A week after I came back from Caramoan (including a first time trip to Solaire's International Buffet, Fresh) I had a work trip to Antipolo. It's always nice to try out a new place but the truth is, because it's for work, you don't get to do much except take a few (wacky) photos in the morning.

Here's me trying to show off the sun:

Place No. 3: Cagayan Valley

Another work trip that came a day after the Antipolo trip. I was scheduled to accompany a colleague to Nueva Vizcaya (another first) for four days. The view was amazing but what I will really remember from this trip would be the little critters everywhere. Moths would fly about and the Grissom in me couldn't help it. I absolutely loved opening my window every morning and seeing a bunch plastered about as if they were stickers.

Cagayan Valley had amazing weather also! Honestly, it felt like I was in another country. By the time 4pm rolled about, the weather starts to get cooler. I had no use for the room aircon at all! By 9pm, it's so cold that the only thing you could do was to snuggle and fall asleep.

I guess I really am blessed and even though I'm physically tired of shuffling myself from one place to another, from one airport or plain old port and a knapsack to a full RL luggage, it is and always will be worth it.

Caramoan will always remind of the water and how I miss swimming so much.

Cagayan Valley will always remind me of my dreams... how I always wanted to be a CSI (like Grissom who is an Entomologist).

And Antipolo will always remind me of the amazing view I encountered and how I realized that there is a place close to home that can be as serene as those Elizabeth Bennett experienced in Pride and Prejudice.

The best part from all of these trips? Well, it's not over yet. Tomorrow, I'm off to Batangas and even though it is a bit close to home, it is still a trip nonetheless. I'm looking forward dozens to dozens of Buko Pie and maybe a Balisong if I'll ever get a chance.

More importantly, tomorrow I'll be thinking about Dr. Seuss and so, I will end this the same way I started it.

"With banner flip-flapping,

once more you'll ride high!

Ready for anything under the sky.

Ready because you're that kind of a guy!"

-Oh, the Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss (yet again)

Staying Positive,

Someone Anxious

Out with the Old... In with the New!

I've decided to change the interface of my blog again.

Hopefully, this will get me to start writing again.

Work wise, I know many changes are coming too! Now, I am asked to think about a contingency plan - a "what if" just in case the worst case scenario happens. Of course, the responsible answer would be to call my 'Port Uncle', ask for forgiveness and slave away under him. But, just for fun, I've decided to enumerate all the possibilities in the most exaggerated manner possible.

Here they are:

Contingency Plan #1: Become a Men's Fashion Consultant

This might come out weird to you but as I told Holly a while back, this makes a lot of sense. I grew up with my old school, suit wearing, polo shirt playing, movie screening going grandfather. I grew up with three gay uncles (one being a fashion designer) and I've done it countless of times for my 'He-was-a-skater-boy-now-a-hotshot-dj' cousin. I look towards the men section first before the female in any clothing store I enter. I know what goods look in a man (definitely not jeans and slippers combined) and I know how to spot a good color combination. In addition, I'm a self proclaimed tomboy-chic wannabe. :)

Here's the plan: 1.) Whatever I save up from my job now, I use to pay my rent for the next X no. of months. 2.) I work from home using my cousin's wifi and my laptop to set up a website and contact old friends who are now making a name for themselves. 3.) I offer them a deal in which they pay for my services while they shop so that I can point out which should be the ones they buy or not. 4.) They pay me 1.5K for the whole day or 1K for the half day

Yay or Nay?


Contingency Plan #2: Try Out For the Big G!

Ever since I was in college, Google has always been the benchmark for what is a good and innovative company. Since I heard about them setting up shop nearby, I've been thinking if I'm fit for them. I love slides (and I don't mind using one to go to lunch)! I love computers (I'm addicted to mine). I love getting information (ask the people I work with, I Google everything). More importantly, I'm a fan of Project Glass and my dream is to be the first one here in the country to try it out (still hoping for that one).

The Plan: 1.) I start researching on ways to apply. 2.) Brush up on company history, fun facts and start listing down questions I need to ask. 3.) Apply 4.) Wait for their call until the world ends.

Yay or Nay?


Contingency Plan #3: Set Up Shop...

I'm a little bit flustered on how little time I'm able to spend with Holly and our Indie Publishing project. Although, things are going well, I'm still not able to see my own personal ROI and I blame not marketing my part well enough and source out better suppliers to provide the Kits. But, if I do end up working for my 'Port Uncle', I'm going to ask for a 3 times a week work schedule where I can give the other 3 days to working with Holly.

Given my expectations: here's the plan: 1.) Beg for forgiveness from my uncle and ask if I can still take his previous offer. 2.) Talk to Holly and make sure she agrees with the plan 3.) Start working for my uncle 4.) Get better suppliers with Holly 5.) Make sure I'm able to pay rent on time.



Yay or Nay?

---

Again, these are just some exaggerated scenarios. However, as always, exaggerations always seem like the adventurous choice.

Someone Anxious.

Clean.

I know it's been a long time. Between work, Holly's book launch and dreaming of him (which I realized is now stupid because I think he has a girlfriend as was what I saw in last night's book launch), I never really got to writing.

I was never fond of cleaning.

I was never like my sister or my friend K who absolutely loved cleaning things or organizing their rooms. In fact, I was always messy. Many times, I would just dump one thing over another and assume that it will be clean when I use it again.

 I was never clean.

I liked playing in the mud, breaking into sweat and getting my shorts dirty. I liked playing in the streets with the Korean kids in my street (even before the whole Korean mania, they were there).

But I do like baths.

I just took one before I started cleaning my apartment this afternoon. I finally decided to move my bed and get my desk in a more comfortable position. Clothes have been folded and placed back inside the cabinets. Floor's been swept though strands of my hair still cling near the corners. Despite the bath earlier and the various moments where I splashed my face with water, I still find myself unclean. Oh well. At least my room is.

Achievement for today: Getting my Place Clean.

Tomorrow?

Hoping to bump in to you, whoever you may be.

Looking forward,

Someone Anxious.

Because My Friends Won't Believe Me...

Certificate: Test results Which "How I Met Your Mother" Character are you Most like?

For 37 % you are: You are Robin! Very classy and highly thought of. Try to be a little more relaxed and trusting of the opposite gender. They're not really that bad, well, at least most of them. Just watch out for those heart breaking Barney's and gays.
31.7501 % of 36170 Quiz participants had this profile!

You could also get this result:
For 33 % you are: You are Ted! Teddy Bear! Make sure that you're not ever too pathetic. Oh, and when you grow up and get married, don't bore your kids with months of stories about how you met your wife. Just a quick summary if they even want to hear that.

Or even this one:
For 23 % you are: You are Marshall. Marshmallow. You love relationships and are pretty much a great friend. You're very sweet and considerate of others, though sometimes you will be the first to poke fun. Don't forget to have fun in life!

Or even this one:
For 3 % you are: You are Barney! The Barnacle, Banana supreme, whatever. You think pretty highly of yourself. Sometimes you drive your friends nuts, but you tend to be the life of the party. Enjoy life! But don't forget that love isn't always a bad thing.

Or even this one:
For 3 % you are: You are Lily! Lily pad! You've got it great! Though you may feel the need to get out and experience new things, sometimes the way that life is right now is actually amazing and might not get any better! Look around you, you've got an awesome life!
 
Take this quiz: Which "How I Met Your Mother" Character are you Most like?

Investing Emotionally and Financially.

After celebrating a back-to-back birthday celebration with my friends (Frances' group last Friday and Holly with the gang on Saturday) and family, I've come to realize that the only person I was not able to spend time with is my brother (who is now living up north for work and love reasons).

I remember having a conversation with him two years past and we talked about how he was always on the loosing end when it comes to love. All the dinners he bought, flowers he scouted, chocolates he had to pay for and movie tickets he had to line up for... all these efforts and always a "no" in the end. Back then, I felt really bad for him. All he wanted was a girlfriend to look out for and there he was, simply available.

That's when I told him my POV. That when it comes to relationship, he should look at it the best way he can relate to: investing.

Yes, we do invest financially. For my brother, one girl's "no" cost him roughly 40K and it was quite hard to understand what exactly she looked like to make him spend like that (my brother is such a savings addict that he doesn't eat lunch at work). However, more importantly, every friend and lover we go through in this world, we invest emotionally. What's worse is that if we spend all our time investing emotionally and financially in one person, the greater the risk that we have our heart broken and pockets drained. So we invest a great amount in different things.

I tend to invest more on my family (my mother's side) simply because I have a lot of emotional (and occasionally, financial) investments left in me. No boyfriend, FBs or lover on a Saturday night. That's why Sunday brunch, highlights of the week, the 'How are you?' and 'What happened to Grandma?' are done with my gay fashion designer uncle. I buy clothes with him, pig out and simply talk because I have the time and energy for him.

I also tend to invest more with my friends. Same situation. Friday night outs with my college friends, drinking til I fall asleep with Jackie and Jane while talking about everything with Holly who, as the certified olympian noticed, is actually like a boyfriend of sorts (but again, we are not lesbians...).

After some time, my brother did find a girl who said yes and I'm assuming she is also emotionally and financially investing in him. What's just sad is that I feel like I've lost so many things already, brother included.

Well, I still do have my sister who seems to always be there. As I've told my father: "You have a daughter who can't get over her family to start her own and you have a son who can't wait to start a family and forget his... where am I in this picture?"

Investing on you, whoever you are...

Someone Anxious.

Time vs. Timing

I guess if you know me, you know how much pressure I have to look old at work. Not only am I pressured to look like I'm 28 (which by now I have come to accept as an industry standard) but I'm also asked to act old. A task which, to some people, I've come to perfect with all the chaos my family life brought upon me.

I'm not really complaining. I like my life and I love what I do for a living (except when there are Devil Wears Prada and Sex and the City moments). I am grateful. It's just that...

...I miss being my age. Honestly, I miss being young.

I'm going to see Motion City Soundtrack tonight and I've been catching up with some songs. In their song Timelines, there's a line that goes: "It's not a matter of time. It's just a matter of timing." This made me think. This song is quite different from all of the other one's I used to listen to during a hot Saturday before band practice. Did J.P. grow old too just like me? In my head, the whole band is in this vacuum with my 15 year old self.

I've been wearing a lot of sneakers during the weekends to remind myself that I'm not 28, I'm not married and I don't need to walk through the mall in my suit. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I'm tired of pretending.

Even up to now, 30 minutes before I'm about to meet up with my friends for the concert, I still don't know what to wear... I'm pretty sure my RL polo shirts are out of place. Checking my closet earlier, I have nothing but those and now I know I am tired. I'm tired of being 30 and I miss being 21.

One thing is for sure...

I'm leaving my work mandated "wedding ring" at home tonight. Tonight is the night to be young (this sounds like a cliche line from a song).

And even though I know they are not playing it tonight, I'll be listening to Hold Me Down simply because I want to be reminded how to be 15 again.

Remembering,

Someone Anxious.