On Failing.

The hardest part on failing something is accepting.

Accepting that there are some things that are not meant to be.

Accepting things that you wanted so bad or tried so hard.

And slowly, as it creeps towards you and engulfs you,

doubt.

When it matters not.

All the Wrong Buttons.

Dear Friend,

The one rule I follow - both in my personal and professional aspects of my life - is quite simple:

"Never make big decisions when you are either PMS-ing or Post-MS-ing."

Sounds stupid, I know. Most especially if you're a regular. Doing the math, I realized that if you are a regular, you can't make big hasty decisions for 5 days every month (assuming you have 2 days of pre and post-menstrual syndromes and 3  days of the actual period). 

But since, I am an irregular - meaning I have my period for at least 5 days every other month - I try to not make any hasty and emotion-fueled decisions during this time. 

But somehow, I think I'm being tested. 

It's funny how some people always see themselves as survivors when in fact, they are apparently acting like they are victims. Same way some people always say that they don't want the drama but they are the ones making the drama. 

My friend, I am at a tipping point. 

I can't help but wonder how the same person who say she is "sensitive" to the plight of others (whether alive or even paranormal beings), can actually be the most insensitive person I have ever met. 

They say that the characters you meet shape you as a person. To be honest, I am at a breaking point. 

My friend, you know I am not entirely religious. Organized religion has disappointed me before. But now, I ask whatever Being there might be, if this is a sign or if this is a test? 

About to say "Goodbye and Good Luck",

Losing Appwetite

Despite the festivities, I find myself losing my appetite.

Between the kare-kare and fruit salad... The pork ribs and the baked salmon... The mind-less chatter and the inevitable, I find myself lost and alone.

Is it possible that no one really knows you? That everyone just says the wrong things?

Is it possible that they always assume what your thoughts are? That your idealism is mistaken for naivety? That it is their god-given mission to make you realize your inevitable failure. Or maybe, deviously, everyone just wants you to fail?

When everyone seems content in making you accept the mundane, should you still pursue greatness?

It seems that everyone just wants you to lose your appetite for life despite the dishes in front of you. Kare-kare and fruit salad. Pork ribs and salmon.

Mind-less chatter and the inevitable.

You've Got Thoughts...

Dear Friend,

I've just had one of those days where my inner Kathleen Kelly resurfaced... Maybe it's too little 'You've Got Mail' or too much Sam Smith's Lonely Hour. Either way, it did not feel good and it seems  that there's no one to talk to about it.

Christmas is fast approaching and everyone has something to do or someone to meet. So many things are fast approaching and with the hustle and bustle of the city, I'm left wondering if being lonely is such a good thing - especially now.

Today, another tipping point was ticked off and the blues took me over on my way home. Sometimes, I just wish you were there to talk to me, tell me that it's okay to have a meltdown. Sometimes, I wish you were there to because I needed someone. Anyone.

Where are you?

Someone Anxious

Jaded

Talking to one of my team mates about work and life always seems so refreshing. Although it may not seem like it, he's actually one of the best persons I'm able to discuss about things because he (most of the times) doesn't judge the way you talk or express yourself when you do. In short, he's a good listener.

Due to a, what I call, a "series of unfortunate" events, I've been a little bit more passive about things. I've noticed that I'm more jaded about life simply because the people around me are. There are only a few people that I know who constantly shows their support for things I believe in, and I feel that instead of running against the tide, I'm just going with the flow.

During one of our brief lunch conversations, I shared my thoughts on 'jadedness' and he mentioned that it's not lack of passion or motivation but rather, I have matured - equating it to the fact that I have come to accept that my ideals are bound to never happen.

"You were too idealistic"

"You can work for the ideal but the things you envision is not going to happen."

"The faster you accept it, the more mature and better it is"

Is it wrong for me to disagree?

I doubt if my jadedness is all about becoming mature. I strongly disagree with the idea that maturity, in its entirety, is because you have come to accept that you are a corporate slave for the next 40 years or so.

What I do believe in is that we all choose and we cannot blame life if we never end up what we want to do. I believe in work to live vs. live to work. I've seen my mother and father waste away their lives and marriage because they were too busy with work rather than each other or with us, their children.

I believe in believing. Steve Jobs, in his commencement speech, said it best: "Stay Young. Stay Foolish."

The thing is, I've read the lives of gurus, travelers and successful CEOs. I've read all about people who, despite hardships, are able to succeed. The one thing I noticed is that there is no formula. The only common denominator is that everyone, despite the advice of their passive and good listening friends, stayed faithful to the vision they had for themselves.

I hear Steve Jobs' voice: "Stay Young. Stay Foolish."

Foolish in love? Yes, I've done that.

Foolish with work? Yes, more times than I can count.

Foolish for pursuing my dreams? Always.

I hear it again: "Stay Young. Stay Foolish."

So here's to 2015 and to following my dreams!

A Series of Day by Days

You know there's no rhyme or reason
For the way you turned out to be
I didn't go and try to change my mind
Not intentionally
I know it's hard to hear me say it
But I can't bear to stay
And I just know, I know, I know, I know
That you're gonna be okay anyway
Always keep your heart locked tight
Don't let your mind retire
Oh, but I just couldn't take it
I tried hard not to fake it
But I fumbled it when it came down to the wire

Recently, my life has been a flurry of day by day activities. Truthfully, I've been living a routine of weekend work trips, Monday and Thursday night Yoga classes and the never ending sleepless nights that unusually plagues me now.

Given my "trying to be healthy" activities recently, I've also been trying to open my mind to new things. Music, being one of them. I've recently discovered Haim and I'm hooked with The Wire. The ultimate feel good song that captures my inner bitch feelings for X. I did mention to Frances two weeks back, over the most fulfilling - diet crushing- buffet lunch with the boys, that we're not an item and we will never be. Now that weeks have passed and I'm finally able to fully digest what transpired, I do feel liberated - proving once and for all that I may not seem as prudish as I (and everyone else) thought I was.

Speaking about prudishness, thinking about the exact opposite - heavy doses of PDA and thoughts of sex, I attended a wedding of an aunt last Sunday (the fact that she's roughly only 5 years older than me makes me wonder how normal is my family). Wearing my favorite A|K gold dress and sporting the amazing sunglasses the Certified Olympian gave me two birthdays past, I felt like I was ready to mingle and be the life of the party.

Unfortunately, it's a family affair. Thus, mingling was limited to the following:

• Family members you haven't seen in awhile. This includes a long lost uncle who mistook you for your own brother (I also don't know how this is possible since I was wearing a dress and I did look very feminine if I say so myself). 
• The bride. My aunt who was wondering all through out our conversation before my uncle informed her that I was indeed my mother's daughter, the family's eldest in said generation - twice removed (adding this bit for flair)! 
• The groom. Whom I only met on said wedding.

And by god, where was the dancing? 

Aside from the customary first dance plus the heart-wrenching father and daughter dance, whatever happened to guests dancing as well? Is it just me or no one really does these things anymore? I'm not talking about jumping and flailing about like I'm in a club - although I don't mind at all. I'm talking about actual dancing where people actually slow dance and party the night through...

...Maybe I've just been watching too many sappy rom-coms where man and woman dance and celebrate in the end.

either way, looking forward to dancing in future weddings,

When It Rains, It Pours

It's been raining lately and I've been thinking about how when it rains, it pours.

Especially with the weather right now, I can't help to think that maybe the world sensed my gloom and automatically, they matched my mood. After months of intense heat and complains, we were finally able to experience raindrops and flooded streets. Some say it's a sign that the end is near (just as my very paranoid office mate) or that maybe the weather is going back to the way it used to be (June and July being the start of the wet season).

I've also been hearing the same expression when it comes to work.

A boss, upon congratulating me on several - albeit assisted - closes, quipped: "It seems that when it rains, it pours..." I can't help but grin, it was true. After such a "dry spell" in the workplace (including all the negative thoughts and depressing weary wondering of 'What am I doing with my life?'), I'm finally able to catch myself again and start thinking about more positive things in life and in work. I've even tried doing the whole "plastic" route. When I'm feeling the blues, I automatically think of my favorite things - thank you, Sound of Music - or start talking about positive things about someone. The goal was, fight the blues by making the people around you laugh. So far, things have been progressing quite well. This was until several things happened that make you really do wonder: "Will life keep giving you storms you can't handle?"

Even with problems, it seems that when it rains, it pours.

I don't want to fill me head with random negative thoughts, more so this blog. Although, I've been filling this blog with happier moments to get my mind off things, I need a little more light in my life.

Thinking of sunshine and the gentle afternoon breeze,

Relate-able: Post Secret

They weren't really bullies. But I'd like to think of them as bitches - they were mostly girls that annoyed me because I knew they thought I was smelly and unkempt. They were girls that fed on other people's insecurities and I had a lot.

I'm sure I was a bully too at some point or another. That was school. It was high school.

I'm not planning to go back. I can't. But if I could, I would have tried less to fit in and tried harder to have fun.

X

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin

Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in

Now you're outside me you see all the beauty

Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose

I chose to feel it and you couldn't chose

I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news

From a house down the road, from real love

Thinking about it now, I can't seem to find a more fitting song than Stars' Your Ex-Lover is Dead. Although I'm not saying he's dead literally but I think it's more of really realizing that the things you sort of hope that was there isn't really there.

I'm sure I'm not making sense to you (my interested albeit few), reader. If you don't know me that well, I probably won't. The best way I can explain it is that, now, I feel like I'm getting a part of me back by loosing something totally different. I do feel bad because my "liberation" came with a fake one.

Frances once quipped how liberating a carnival ride was for her and we laughed it off because we survived the experience. In hindsight, it was no laughing matter. Frances was one of the most silent and proper individuals I know. It was indeed liberating for her, but it was also liberating for me to break the idea that this friend is simply my prim and proper friend. I don't want to "process" this too much (as we say in my line of work). But I think it all boils down to the idea that a lucid moment can come from all the madness of everyday life and a random plan with someone you hoped would be different by now.

I've also come to accept that in any relationship - we cannot and should not change the person. Regardless if it's for the night, a month with a card, and a number of years - we bond (for lack of a better term) because we know that they are worth it and not because they are ideal. I think people have the tendency to hope for someone to change for them because it is portrayed as the most romantic gesture of the lifetime. Now, more than ever, I just find it stupid. People change on their own, for their own reasons. Real character is measured by this and not by those around the person. We just always assume that we are worth the change but maybe in reality, we are not worth anything at all.

We cannot stop people from changing. I'm not the same person that I was when our hands, held together by the idea that sweaty palms were romantic, were hidden from view care of our Jansport bags. The same way I've come to accept that you will never be the man you thought you would be, I think it's high time you accept I'm no longer the girl who had carefree thoughts on how to rule the world.

Thank you for the night. Thank you for the future nights. But more importantly, thank you for helping me understand my changes a little bit better.

Knowing that something cannot be because you actually tried to make it work is indeed liberating. Knowing that there are, indeed, things you just don't want simply because you don't want them in it is also liberating. Knowing that you are ready for a different one, a someone that you know might not be the one, is the most liberating thought of all.

I'm sorry if you're not the one.

Taking leaps,

Someone Anxious

Lights Out

We don't have forever

Baby daylight's wasting

You better kiss me

Before our time is run out

Nobody sees what we see

They're just hopelessly gazing

Baby take me

Before they turn the lights out

It's been a while since I've blogged about more personal endeavors. Although I've been pouring all my efforts in my food blog, there are things that I feel like I should share in this semi-private hole in the internet.

I've been thinking about moving lately.

Like physically moving, changing locations and leaving everything behind.

Since I've accepted that I won't be up for the "prestigious" scholarship (thank you very much, people who care), I've been thinking about just following my dream and moving to a totally different place. My mom has been sharing how they're planning to buy a home in the suburbs and I'm thinking that maybe in a year's time, I can comfortably follow.

There's just so many uncomfortable things running around here.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this from time to time. But honestly, I want to clear my head and I know for a fact that I can't clear it here. I feel like despite the smiles, I'm slowly burning myself out. I'm tired of trying to make an effort of having a good time or feeling like my old self when those things SHOULD come naturally to everyone.

People say it's because I'm growing up. I like to think that it's only because I'm growing old. When people say age is just a number and you know for a fact that it isn't, I think that's a sign. I'm scared because I'm starting to forget. I'm forgetting not just the actual number, but what should be experienced with it. I worry about too many things that doesn't matter. I start paying to take those long walks I know I could have for free. Then I start making a big deal out of it because I know it should be free. It's a cycle and I know for a fact that I don't want to be part of it.

I've come to realize that it is not in the process of losing everything, but rather, in the process of gaining everything that we loose who we are as individuals.

I guess, I just want to be preventive rather than reactive. I've learned to take multivitamins for my body. Maybe, I should earn courage for my soul.


Working on to be,

Someone Anxious.

Random Thoughts: An Inability to Explain

I think that most people take a lot of things for granted.

Like when someone listens to you.

Even though I like to talk (as most people would think I do but I really don't), I listen more carefully.

I listen to rants. I listen to complains. I listen to instructions...

...I listen to you.

So please, please, please, for one minute don't ever assume that I did not listen to you. Don't make me do something just for the sake of doing something. I am (and consequently, you are) better than that.

Thanks!

Sincerely,

Someone Anxious

Birthday Month

The Certified Olympian did mention that my blog has had some serious undertones lately. I guess, it's been a rough couple of weeks (or even months) for me.

But I've been thinking about being "happy" lately and how it seems everyone from my age group relates it to a.) clothes, b.) money c.) someone to have sex with, or d.) all of the above. Truth is, I think I'm in a better place now then I was during the last post here and I'm back to sincerely smiling again.

One thing that made me smile though is that I was able to enjoy my "Birthday Month".

Back in college, Holly, Janey, Jackie and I would have one whole month of celebrations to celebrate one's birthday. Since all 3 of them would celebrate on December, I would be their "slave" for a whole month. And since I'm born in March, I demand that they be mine for the entire month.

Things have changed though, very seldom do I see them and in truth, very seldom do we really see the people we want to see anyways. But I did spend a part of my Birthday weekend in the beautiful island of Palawan with my college friends: Frances, Alexi and Rich.

Our view after successful spelunking adventure

I barely post pictures of my self in this blog simply because I don't want it to backfire in the future. I'm done with the whole backfire with photographic evidence thing. But I can't help it, especially with this shot by Frances:

My Birthday "Cave" Shot 

It might not seem like it, but that's actually a really high rock that I'm on top of. I knew that the boys had a semi-panic attack when I sat on it. But with my aqua/trekking shoes, nothing's impossible (thank you, Payless)!

That whole trip made me realize how much I do love my friends and how much I do appreciate them. It was worth every penny (and not eating for days afterwards). Now, the only thing I'm looking forward to is having a Saturday off (which is impossible since I'm swamped with weekend work trips).

Speaking of boys earlier, I've admitted to Carla that I've been feeling a bit "dry" (yes, it's what your thinking type of dry) in the love department. It's been two years since I last saw "him" and I think I've moved on. Although, an occasional slip of the tongue does happen when I see Holly (I have no idea why). But every time I'm with Frances and the gang, it's like I don't even think about men in general. Now, more than ever, I do believe in my theory on conversational cycles and how relationships (love or friends) all depend if there is a need that is unfulfilled through conversations.

I don't want a new relationship, I just miss the ones I have. With the busy work sched and the months to follow, I wonder if I'll ever get to grab a cup of coffee with the Certified Olympian, or catch a movie with Jackie. I've been itching to also play rugby or football with Janey and even maybe have an ice cold beer with Holly.

I think it's true with the whole geography thing. I'm not much of a South person anymore and I've come to say "no" with commuting back and forth for four hours just to spend time with some of them for 2. I think there's an injustice with that and unless a.) Manila traffic will ease up or b.) We meet on a totally free day, I'll be cooped up in my apartment watching the HIMYM finale over and over again.

Patethic? Not really. That's just me and that's what I like doing.

I'm just,

Someone Anxious.

Yuppie

I've decided to take a risk lately and finally "pursue" a dream of mine... in a form of a scholarship grant that would take me far away from here.

"Here" being where I am currently typing this, 30 minutes before I officially start working.

I hate the fact that most people consider me a "Yuppie".

Last night, after receiving some disheartening news (again, delayed communication - I would appreciate knowing things as close to real time when it concerns me), I've realized that most "Yuppies" or "Youngies" - as I see no difference from this side of the world - don't need anything but support and a tap on the back.

Stupid of me to think that I would find it here.

I've been feeling like a minimalist painting recently. Did you ever observe how most people would classify a minimalist painting as "minimalist" but what you see is an explosion of colors, shapes and strokes? I'm sure when the artist was painting, he never thought of his work as "minimal" but maybe painted it because he, indeed, feel minimal instead.

"Yes, I know there are bigger things going on..."

"Yes, I understand that there are other people's interest also on the line..." 

"Yes, I know I can work around it."

"Yes, I should enjoy the free ride. Yes, I am grateful."

I'm tired of saying "Yes."

After all, there WAS only one place I thought of after pursuing this. I thought that maybe I could come back, pick up where I left of. Because, honestly I wasn't doing it to satisfy my yuppie cravings. I was doing it because I wanted to be like everyone else.

So hell, if I can't and even if I wanted to so badly, I know that a "no" is a "no" and a "yes" is a "yes". If being young means I have goals to achieve, then I think I should no longer hide the fact that I am young, a yuppie if you may. Even if I'm young, I know that comfort is the rival of success. If I just wait around, there's a chance that nothing may happen as compared to me moving on and knowing that THINGS CAN HAPPEN.

I CAN HAPPEN.

So here's to this moment! Pushing through and moving on, finally!

Carpe Diem,

Someone Anxious

Meat of Back Wards

Let's take a Risk:

Dear friend,

Only so few really do take the time to read and I guess I owe it up to you to share some things that we never do get the time to talk about.

I've been working hard you see. Not just with work but the blunt of the matter is: I've been working hard to stay positive as well. And yesterday - the day that all my hardwork should have paid off -
they've decided to just be frank and I end up feeling inadequate in so many levels instead.

"What's the point?"

I keep asking myself this as I lay awake at night. Apparrently I've reached the point of no return and (if I do say so myself) forward. It is sad because I honestly feel like I've been working under false pretenses.

What hurts is that apparently, the person you've defended, supported above everyone else and looked up to is assumed your enemy. I am in no competition but myself because I want to be good with what I do. That is the truth. I believe there are no comparisons and I wished that people never assumed what goes on in my head. Angry, I am not. Hurt and betrayed, I do feel. I may be young but that does not always equate to foolish. I know that I've given up so many goals for this that the truth is: it is no longer worth it.

Dearest friend, one thing I will regret is that I will surely miss you.

You have been constant light during the past two years (I dare not count my experiences prior). Your presence has made all the differences in the world and I am and always will be grateful. I wish to keep in touch but it is already hard when we work for the same person, what more when we are in two different cities?

So, let me say that the most I can offer is to be sincerely thankful and my prayers will always include you and your sister. I would also like that you remeber me from time to time. Maybe say a short prayer as I take this risk. You will be in my thoughts always and with that in mind, I do not feel leaping forward all alone...


...Someone Anxious

2014 Home Improvements

So, it has come to that time of the year when I start making some changes in my living space.

I've already changed my furniture arrangements; going back to the original scheme of things and maximizing my room space. I've also started de-cluttering and I'll be throwing out a couple of things along the way. Feel free to drop by if you want to catch some old clothes...

For the moment, I'll be focusing on my wall art. As most of you may know, early on my move to my own place, I had some electric tape wall art put up. It was always a dream of mine and I always thought it would be a great way to release some pent up artistic energy. Frances has so much photos of my wall from the gang's overnight stay that it has become a staple already. But like so many things in life, I think it is time to change.

Improvement No. 1.) Work Station

I've decided to create a work station and free my work chair of the many clothes and little items that found itself seated on that specific area. To replace the electric tape art, I hung my cork board panel beside the table. Next step, buy an illustration board that I will frame as a chalk board to keep my life on track.

Improvement No. 2.) Coat Organizer

I've decided to buy some hooks to screw behind my front door. These will be my improvised coat hanger as my closet is already full. I'll also be hanging my bags from time to time. To do so, I removed some drawings I've placed early last year.

Improvement No. 3.) Shoe Rack

I will be making my improvised shoe rack by this weekend. I'm not totally decided if I will just buy and redecorate or make one from scratch. Regardless, I will be posting photos by Sunday morning. Hopefully, things will look better then.

Looking forward to a more productive 2014 ahead!

Someone Anxious

New Year = New Photo Challenge

Again, it's been a long time since I posted and I guess the usual update is due.

Update 1: Got sick... again!
Yeah, I've been getting sick recently and I don't exactly relish going to the ER and draining all my savings for meds. But still... happy to be alive and all that jazz.

Update 2: New Year's Resolution
I've been thinking about 2013 and how it flew by so fast. I wasn't really able to do majority of what I said I'll do (which happened to be 'Get Married' - thank, God!) but I'm still grateful for the many opportunities that came my way.

To ensure that 2014 will be a little bit different, I've decided to start the year with a little photo challenge for myself via zramphotography.

For more info, visit: http://zramphotography.wix.com/online

This little project will hopefully give me the boost I've been craving for to complete "Strangers" for MoarBooks and to spend more time doing the things I really love like... photography!

I'm also looking forward to buying new equipment this year. Aside from my usual Holga 35mm TLR, I've decided to buy an instax camera and a new digital camera to really boost my productivity. Plus. I never got to really do a photowalk last year. I've been meaning to ask Janey but maybe after her trip to SG.

So far, exciting 2014 ahead and I'm also planning a lot of professional changes as well. I know it's time that I really walk my talk and I can't wait to meet with Holly, Jackie and Janey to talk about it. Hopefully, we'll meet soon.

Cheers,

Someone Anxious.

My Life in a Suit: Work Trips

It's been a long time since I've posted something in this in this blog. Work has officially taken over my life and for the first time in a long time, I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for this job.

 But as part of what I tell people during our programs, one sure way to counter "negativity" is to think about the positive things that you appreciate about your current situation. So, here it goes and this short post is dedicated to everyone who I miss dearly (girlaloos and college friends alike).

I think I've mentioned it here before that a big chunk of my time is spent travelling from one place to another. For those of you who don't me, I don't know why you're reading my blog but, I'm a (trying hard, wannabee) consultant. I work for an organization full-time and we do what I always thought I would be doing after college - travel and feel important.

But beyond the superficialities of my previous paragraph, everyone should know that it took me some time for me to do what I do. I started at the bottom and the rat race wasn't so kind to me at the beginning. I worked for minimum wage and eventually got lucky from there. I got transferred, my boss became my mentor (somewhat) and I ended up working with a team rather than for one.

I like what I do because I feel that I'm important. I'm not saying this because I'm vain although I am. I'm saying this because I feel like what I do has a purpose and changes a lot of people's lives. Part of my job is to talk to people and remind them to look at the brighter side of things. I help them understand that what they do contributes to the bigger picture. In short, I feel important because I help remind others that they are important.

One great perk which I am experiencing right now is that I'm in a nice suite watching TV from a flat panel screen. Although I'm due to send a report any minute now, I'm taking the time to enjoy this. After all, I might not be able to do this with my own resources so might as well sit back and relax.

There's always something nice about the idea of traveling for a living. It is extremely hard and I don't suggest it for people who have kids. But,

Blogging about it,

Someone Anxious

So Broke… But So Happy

Alexi mentioned this to us on our way home from such a random weekend day out. We were both short on cash and were highly dependent on our friend Jayt on the transport back home (my place) from the mountains.

The thing is: we were sincerely happy.

Let me tell it from the start:

Holly, Janey, Jackie and our friend CC planned this Halloween party. We (well, more of Holly), rented out a venue and invited people to come and spend the Saturday before Halloween with us. I thought it would be nice to also invite Frances and the group since we barely see each other during Halloween. So the plan was, Queenie goes to my apartment Saturday morning. Holly and the gang join us in the afternoon to pack candy bags (our giveaways) and then we will proceed to the venue. Frances and the rest (meaning Alexi) would follow as my guests.

For the party, Holly did a spectacular job organizing everything. Although, at some point I guess people kept ordering so we had a little “overspill”, I would still like to consider it as a success since people got free drinks, food and photos to remember the night.

I also joined what I mentally called as, the gasoline challenge. Holly bought this really cheap ass tequila that tasted and smelled like gasoline to me. I remember the four of us finishing a bottle once but I have no memories as to how it happened or what I did after. So for a good time, I decided to join and as it turns out, I was the only woman to join. Luckily, I got booted during the second round so I still had my wits with me while talking to Frances and the group.

I guess at this point, everything was going as I thought it was. But the thing with my brain, it only processes until a certain point. For example, during our trip to the beach and I was in charge of transportation, I prepared the going there but never the going home…  It didn’t come as a surprise that after the party, I ended up with Frances, Queenie, Alexi and Jay in a KTV place somewhere in the city. Needless to say, we went back to my place at around 4am equipped with the best kind of bedroom voice – a tired one.
We woke up at around 9am and had a very late lunch. We were looking for things to do and we just ended up going up to the mountains and on top of one of the largest Ferris wheel in the country. Can I just say, I’m not a big fan of heights? I really don’t like heights. I love roller coasters and rides but when it’s slow moving rides like the Ferris wheel or a stagnant view deck (SG’s Marina Bay Sands view deck for example), I just simply hate them. I get woozy, I feel like I’m falling (slow motion) and I’m more of a ground person. So I guess, during this random road trip up to the mountains and on a Ferris wheel, I somewhat conquered my fear of heights.

All in all, it was a nice long weekend to remember. Immediately the day after (less than 12 hours since we slept), I went up the mountains again with my uncle and grandmother for a simple brunch and walk around the outlet stores. I got a dress for a friend’s upcoming nuptials and although it will cost me a limb and arm to pay off (my uncle paid for it but I did promise to pay him back before the year ends), I’m glad. Seeing the look on my uncle and my grandmother’s eyes as I wore a perfect fit dress was priceless. Sharing a once in a lifetime Ferris wheel ride with Frances and Queenie, priceless. Playing video games with Jay and Alexi, priceless. Most importantly, continuing our Halloween tradition (Holly, Janey, Jackie and even CC), absolutely priceless. As Alexi said it: “I’m so broke, but I’m so happy…”

Another long weekend is upon us and I’m off to meet with my sister next Saturday (yes, she’s back – she’s back every month). I’m to pick her up in the airport and then we’re planning to have lunch in the city.
Looking forward to another priceless weekend,

Someone Anxious. 

Empowered-less

Yes, I know that the title is not really a grammatically correct one.

I guess it's weird to write after so long. I've been MIA because a.) work took over and in terms of priority, that's my number one and b.) I've been too tired to really write anything most days.  I guess, I'll take this short lunch break to let everyone know out there that I'm still alive but (just like the song) I'm barely breathing.

The funny thing about how I feel is that people always make you feel your empowered then your not. Work makes me feel that way most of the time and so does my family. I always feel like the only real choice I do make is which channel do I watch late at night when I can't sleep.

When I was growing up, I always envied adults because they make their own decisions. I thought, by this time, I've proven myself capable of deciding what I can and cannot do. But then again, I thought by this time I would be married to George Clooney or Prince Harry so I guess my judgement depreciates as seconds tick by.

The funny thing about this "growing up" is that it's totally different from "getting old". I've heard it many times over that wisdom does not necessarily come with age. But the thing is, how wise you are may not necessarily be an advantage when people can't see pass beyond your age. Yet again, I am a walking example that people will always judge the book by its cover.

I'd love to be empowered someday. To be trusted with the opportunity to talk the way I should deem to talk or walk the way I believe how to walk. Lastly, I would love to be trusted with the opportunity to be trusted. I guess it will never come easy so I should be content with simply being,

Someone Anxious.

Tired (in multiple ways)

I feel so tired.

And to think that I just came from a long weekend of fun.

Sometimes, I wonder if "this" is really worth it.

~

I'm constantly annoyed at how some people talk about individuality and flexibility when they themselves cannot change. This is stupid. It's either people think too much of you or they just simple belittle you. At the end of the day, people like me, who has had enough, would probably just leave to save our sanity.

~

Now that I'm able to write that out (in line with ranting it out later to Lucille), I guess I should apologize for not writing as often. Then again, I know not a lot of people read this to begin with so what's the point. Maybe, I should apologize to myself. I'm sorry self. You see, you don't like change and your adamant to succeed but then again, you should give yourself a break because this is already, in your belief, beyond you.

Nope, it's not the devil and in fact, you love the devil. If it was just the ruler of the underworld, you'd probably love the idea of taking over. It's the minions - or a specific one or two at that. You can't pinpoint it but you know that there comes a point where you just want to say: "F*ck off!"

Yeah.

F*ck off!

Alright, now that's said and done, it's about time to talk about stupidity. Am I stupid? Some people (even some of my closest friend) always, and without fail, makes me feel like I am. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Just because the things that interest them no longer interests me. Even though, I'm the one always making the 101% effort. Whatever. Yeah.. I guess, I am stupid. Happy now?

~

"What do you want to do?" she says in a tone that my ears are allergic to.

Truth is, I don't want to do anything. I want to write (but apparently I'm too stupid to write), sing (but I'm pants in Karaoke) and travel (but we can't afford it anymore). So what's left to do but do everything that you do and find a content in the middle of things.

~

The weather outside is not helping because every time I get wet, I wonder if anyone out there would share their umbrella with me... Weather just makes me feel lonely and I guess I should get used to it. I am (even with friends) a lonely sad old lady who has mastered the art of the fake laugh.

~

Can't you see I'm tired? It's your turn to ring my bell, knock on my door and offer me a doughnut.

Please do.

Because I can't just be, and always will be,

Someone Anxious.