Passports.

It's been almost a year and a half when I started doing things alone.Ever since I moved near the university during my last year of college and to my dad's right after, I've never really done things alone.

I remember how my officemate laughed when I told her how I was so confused with the supermarket's big cart and small cart policy. Where I came from, there was only one type of cart and one type of lane. What the hell is a blue cart check out lane?

Even airports seem so much harder alone. During a trip, the Certified Olympian was probably amused on how lost I looked in the airport. To be honest, airplane flights was always so easy. When I went abroad, I would simply follow my mom who talked to someone and we'd, my brother and I, went to where she told us to go and do what she told us to do. Then she kept us company in the boarding area while we waited. Before we boarded, we said our goodbyes and she'd leave the airport while we entered the plain.

Everything was so simple with a parent around. Now, I have to get used to doing things alone.

I guess tomorrow will be another test. For the first time, I'm going to renew my passport alone.

I've never done this alone before. My mom (or her boyfriend as I recall me previous passport) would always come with me and my brother to the Department of Foreign Affairs. We would always talk to someone and we would wait and then there was it. Our new passport. It always felt so simple because someone was there to tell us what to do and how to do it.

Moments like these make me want to be young again. Oh well, we grow older and we have to do things on our own. Maybe growing older is just that... doing things on our own.

Someone Anxious.

Because certain people are more than just people to you...

...they are your friends.

Another spontaneous adventure. The other night, an old high school friend sent a text telling me that there's an impromptu meet up since one of us is leaving for the states on the 4th. So, I jumped at the chance to see my high school friends, simply because I miss them and we never fail to have some fun every time we're together. 

I guess it's nice to feel like you're growing on the same pace as others. 

S.A.

That fine line.

There are a lot of fine lines in this world. For example, the fine line between being chivalrous and being sexist (as I mentioned here). Today, I also realized that there's a fine line between being civil and being fake. In fact, a lot of people think that just because your civil to someone, you're being fake to them. These people forget that being civil with someone means you're still sincere to them.

And a little sincerity goes a long way.

However, I know there are different types of people out there and that they are often sincere on what they say and feel. An angered retort is sincere simply because it is genuinely out of anger. A gloomy greeting is sincere because the person who greeted is genuinely blue. I believe people are only truly worthwhile when they try to be as sincere and civil to others, even to those who they truly loath. If they are not, they are just big bullies who never got over being king of the playground.

You know, you don't have to be the loser kid in high school to be bullied. Bullying and being picked on comes in so many different forms. 
Lady Gaga 

There is always a better way of saying things the same way there is always a way to never make others around you feel like less than they are. The more we say negative things, fall into negative practices and follow negative advice, the more we are less of ourselves.

Just a thought.

Someone Anxious

Baby Names and Thoughts.

Apparently, everyone is getting more responsible.

An old friend of mine (although we're merely acquaintances if you think about it) is giving birth in a few days and I just found out the name she's planning to give her baby. Funny how a few years ago we were nothing but children riding home from school talking about our Accounting assignments and our English play. Apparently, everyone is getting a little bit older and becoming more responsible.

I used to think that I want kids and the idea of being such a young mom used to entice me so. But now I realized that I'm not the type to be a parent and have kids at all! Think about it. I'm irresponsible, practically reckless and a little bit insensitive. At the same time, I sleep like a log (I will never get out of bed just to change a diaper).

Thinking about things and I realized that unlike most people who know that they want to meet the love of their lives and have children with them, I'm happy being single. In fact, I think I'm not the type to get married and that's saying a lot because even if I have my period, I'm not going through my cuddles phase.

There's a line in Sabrina (1995) where Linus says: "I do believe in marriage... that's why I never got married." I believe that marriage may not be for everybody and even though I absolutely love weddings, I know deep in my heart that being married to someone will just bring out the worst in me. Besides, I believe that if someone is better off being alone than maybe they should just be. Exhibit A: my father.

Still, I am young (and I admit it). One day, I might change but as of the moment these are my thoughts.

Single,

Someone Anxious

Hello, world! A new venture to look out for…

Last Friday, Frances and I met to talk about a business venture we’ve been planning to do and I’m honestly excited to start.

What’s nice about Frances is the way we are both able to share ideas equally. Years in the university has taught us how to effectively work with one another to get the best results. In fact, I think out of everyone I’ve ever worked with back then, she’s the one person I can always have an honest output with. Maybe because we both know each other’s strengths or maybe because we know how we both think. I’m always amazed at how we brainstorm because we always come up with ideas that are so much better than my original thought.

I’m also excited because Frances finally gave me the opportunity to do something I’ve always wanted to do, and that’s sell my photo prints. I’m excited to see if people will actually want to spare a few and buy my prints and if they do, how enthusiastic are they to do so.

Overall, I think I’m also excited because I’ve been dreaming to earn a living from photography and I feel like this might be my chance to start. I’m not saying I’ll be selling framed works that will cost the buyer thousands nor am I expecting someone to buy my prints and ask me to sign them (yes, I’ll be selling unsigned prints). I won’t be numbering them either. I’m not delusional. I know I’m not a famous photographer. I’m simply a street photography enthusiast and I’d like to make a couple of extra cash and maybe even get my name out there.

However, I’m wary about getting my hopes up. The last time I was excited about something, it turned out to be one of those ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ moments again. Hopefully, things will be different next time.

To ventures!

Someone Anxious.

Sexist.

For someone who would often remind me that I’m too “chubby” for my own good and for someone who would at times make me feel unattractive through certain jokes, I often wonder why he would often get mad at me for going out at night. After all, who am I possibly ever going to bait? What annoys me the most is that for a man who only truly met me a year ago, he’s quick to think that a woman like me is quite defenseless. Funny how he’s never seen me win a Taekwondo competition, get beaten up, run after and fight off a snatcher or go home and leave for school two hours later.

Women today are quite different. We are no longer brainwashed to be the damsels in distress. In fact, I think we’ve quite outgrown that. Yes, we may be more adventurous but we are also more cautious. We are not stupid. We know that there are people out there who would intentionally harm us simply because we are born with a vagina instead of a penis. Thus, we avoid those people. We know that there are places out there that can swiftly make us easy targets simply because we have breasts. Thus, we avoid those places. Again, we are not stupid. We seek adventure not danger.

I’m not saying that you should stop reminding us to stay safe because I know you only say those things because you care. I know that even though I text you at night and tell you I’m on my way home, you still call five minutes later because you’re a little bit paranoid about your 21 year-old little princess.

But there’s a fine line between caring and oppressing someone. The same way there is a fine line between being chivalrous and being sexist.

So when you scream at me and tell me that I’m a girl and imply that I cannot (for the love of everything that there is) protect myself and that there are people out there who will do me harm, I tell you this:

Bad things happen to both men and women. A man can be raped almost the same way a woman can. A man can be robbed the same way a woman can. A man can be shot the same way a woman can. A man can be beaten to death the same way a woman can. In the end, regardless of our sex, orientation and preference, we all simply die.

So the next time you scream at me and tell me that I am helpless to the bad things that will surely happen to me, calmly say it this way:

"I know you’re brave and you’re prepared. I know that you are not helpless and that to some extent, you can defend yourself. But remember, be cautious of where you go, how you go there and the people you meet while you’re there. Be cautious of what you drink and what could happen. I trust you but remember to stay safe."

Only when you can calmly remind me to stay safe and sincerely say those lines to me will I truly feel that I am safe because no matter how young you want to be perceived or how cool you want to be, you’re still a little bit sexist.

And being that is so old school.

Well, you can’t teach old dogs new tricks.

- Someone Anxious.

A Little Musical Inspiration: Camera Obscura

On the bus radio, "Fifty ways to leave your lover alone."

I laughed at the irony.

But life is stupid, the irony all lost on me.

It got lost on me.

Camera Obscura - The Sweetest Thing

I absolutely love Camera Obscura! Every time I'm down or every time I sense the blues coming, I listen to them and everything seems so much better. Everything has meaning and I don't feel so lonely, sad or blue. 


-Someone Anxious

A little literary inspiration: Dead Stars

"So all these years--since when?--he had been seeing the light of dead stars, long extinguished, yet seemingly still in their appointed places in the heavens."

Dead Stars by Paz Marquez - Benitez

One of the things I absolutely miss about school is being forced to read. I've always been a book worm and when I was younger, I would spend lunch breaks reading alone in a hidden corner near the library. I never really had school friends until I was a little bit older. 

I remember reading a lot of Filipino stories in English. In fact, one of my favorite books in the Elementary library would be the tales of Lola Basyang. Severino Reyes was an absolute favorite and I would spend each night reading his stories of princesses, robbers that are the best of friends and other Filipinos who seemed to have more adventures than I. I was always so jealous of them!

As I grew older and entered high school, my reading list started to be filled with books that were supposed to be a must read for every teenager. Of course, there was Harry Potter which I started reading when I was about in the fourth grade and that I absolutely love. Then there was Twilight (which never really followed me as I grew older) and there were the usual other books that you read simply because everyone else was reading them. Gone were the days that I could go to the library and read my favorite children's books. They were all located in the grade school library and borrowing Philippine history books just made you more of a nerd and that's the last thing you want to be in high school. 

When I was shipped off to the university, I was so happy that I was forced to read. It didn't matter that I was reading journal articles or the newspaper. Reading was a must to survive and sometimes, it even made you look cool. Looking back, the only reason why I even passed (aside from the fact that I always choose Jon to be my group mate) was because I read. 

What saddens me the most is the fact I will never have those days again. Gone are the days when I am forced to read... when I'm forced to learn. Maybe that's why I know I wan't a more learning centered life. Life without learning just makes me feel empty inside and it's so hard to explain to those around me. Some people even think it is crazy for me to think so. 

I may never have those days again but I surely have the many stories I have read over the years. Let me share with you one of my favorites, Dead Stars by Paz Marquez - Benitez.

What I absolutely love about this story is how I can always relate to Alfredo in the end. I hold on to things as if my life depended on it and I continue to look at the dead stars that seem to keep me company at night.

However, there's a part of me that's always a Julia when it comes to him. Today, he called and I can't help but be a little bit cold. I know he wonders what has changed... I know he thinks this every time we meet for a drink and a chat. What he never understood was, just like Alfredo, the loss was his and he has changed. He had held on far too long than he should and there was nothing left but the "what-ifs" the mind offers during solitary nights. We were young once. 

What he will never understand is that he is a force. A force that shook me and told me to be who I am. He has shaped and molded me to realize that the world is a cruel place and heroes don't really save you, they just wait for you. So forgive me if I'm not too happy or if I'm not too willing to help you out of your misery. I waited for you to save me once and honestly, I'm tired of waiting still. There are other lazier heroes out there who are worse but wouldn't be as hard headed as you. 

Let's get this over with.

Someone Anxious

Red Wine and Ambien.

As I was having dinner last night while listening to John Mayer's Heartbreak Warfare, I couldn't help but think of how disappointed I was of someone. Then my dad came and as we shared the silence that surrounded the room, I wondered if that someone never really understood. That no matter how much you justify your age, the things you do, they way you do them and how you care about others will always be the basis of your wisdom.

Disappointment has a name. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have a reason to be disappointed because honestly, I don't. I try so hard to be happy for everyone and to be as supportive but no matter what I do or say, I feel like I am taken for granted a million times over. Then again, there's really nothing to complain about because I've been warned that the world was a cruel cruel world and this can happen. Yup. They happen and you should just take it like a man. Soak up all your emotions and just hide them all away. And every time you do this, it's heartbreak.

Maybe it really is time to sell my soul to the devil.

Someone Anxious. 

Skirt.

I haven't had such an energetic weekend in awhile.

It all started last Friday when my college friends decided to spontaneously meet for dinner. We had a really late dinner at the mall and coffee afterwards. We did the usual routine, buy food we usually can't afford and drink really expensive coffee we can't seem to digest.

What's amazing with our Friday Night Hangouts is how we never really loose out of touch. We're always interested in what's happening with one another and we always laugh about the most mundane things. There's Frances who I never fail to bond over clothes and our job woes. There's Dan who is perpetually in love with her and never fails to laugh. Then there's Vic who always wait for people to meet up first before he joins us and there's Jon who never fails to say something and make us all laugh.

I'm sure as hell lucky that we all meet up every other week.

The next day, I had to go to work for an ocular trip and right after, I met the Certified Olympian who graciously treated me to a movie. Afterwards, we spent the late afternoon dining and walking around the mall looking at clothes and buying toiletries.

It was nice having such a relaxing afternoon, being myself and talking about things. Lately, I needed a positive boost and the Certified Olympian selflessly provided it. I've never had such a great time just walking around and talking about almost anything and everything under the sun. In fact, I haven't laughed like that in the longest time.

Sunday, I met with my uncle and my grandmother. We celebrated my 21st birthday (as I wasn't able to meet them on the day itself) at one of my favorite restaurants and we had coffee and cake afterwards. Then I went with my uncle to ye ol' fabric shop where I got lost feeling different fabrics and talking about different designs. I often wonder why I never decided to pursue a more artistically centered profession like him. He seemed so happy and at ease choosing the right fabric for his clients.

Same day, I shared with my uncle of my dream skirt I've always wanted to have. I could never find a ready made one so I told him about the style. Amazingly, he knew exactly what it looked like and just like that, he bought the fabric needed to make one. I can't wait until the skirt is finished! Then I'll have the perfect outfit in mind.

-Someone Anxious.

Officially 21.

I guess last night marks the end of my birthday celebration and I think I ended things beautifully.

courtesy of winawonders.blogspot.com

After not seeing Jackie, Janey and Holly for the longest time, we decided to have dinner in the city. It was a great night for all of us, eating good (and so expensive) food while enjoying a night of sober laughter. I don't think I've ever felt so rejuvenated. Holly shared with us her adventures with her current beau while Janey told us all about her foreign (for lack of a better term) friend. Meanwhile, Jackie told us about her cousins' visit, living in the city for a couple of days and she then continued to slap my butt.

Great night indeed.

- Someone Anxious

Tender hooks vs. Tenterhooks.

"Why would I stand for disappointed looks? Fully grown but I'm on tender hooks..."

Camera Obscura, French Navy 

 

Since I've been listening to Camera Obscura to keep myself positive, I came upon the term 'tenterhooks' which means to be uncertain and anxious about what is going to happen.


Somehow, that's how I feel about everyone these days.

I hate feeling like I'm being pushed and pulled into different directions all at the same time. Can people ever give me a break? I know that I have to consider a lot of other people when making decisions, but I just feel a little bit flustered with other people making them for me. What happened to 'you can do anything you want?'

People are so frustrating at times.

Including me.

I met up with an old college friend today and she told me that tearing up paper is a sign of sexual frustration. So we started tearing up our receipts into pieces. Yesterday, Janey asked me if I was having a relapse and I think I am. If I don't meet other people regularly, I tend to stare my phone and imagine what would it be like if I txted him. I know. I shouldn't. That is why I'm slapping myself already.

Anyway, I have a fully booked weekend ahead of me and a college friend spontaneously planned something so I have my mind occupied. I'm having a beer to celebrate surviving the week!

Cheers!

Someone Anxious.

21.

21 seemed like such an old age when I was 14. In my head, by the time I'm 21 I should:

-at least had my share of fun.
-be engaged or married
-have my own place and car.

How wrong was I? Now that I'm 21 I've come to realize that the age is so much younger than I thought. Maybe because I always thought it was the perfect age to settle down because my mom did so or that it was the perfect age to have a serious relationship just like my sister. Wow. 21. What a surprise!

I may not be married or with anyone but at the same time, I'm not my sister and my mother. I hate rainbows and butterflies and I may be young to some but I've learned a lot these past years. Here, let me enumerate my top 10.

1. It is possible to be 20 but feel like you're 50. Yes, as a matter of fact it is. Last year, I had more on my plate than any other 20 year old that I knew. It doesn't make you mature or as wise as a 50 year old. It only means that you you've gone through a rough patch and you'll be going through some more.
2. Some people are deceiving. Stick to those who you have an instant connection with. That connection is the universe's way of telling you that this person is someone you'll get a long with.
3. Some people are meant NOT to be with. Yup. I think I learned this the hard way. There's a reason why it's "frowned upon" and there's a reason why something is taboo. Just because you shouldn't doesn't mean you wouldn't so better stop yourself early on.
4. A lot of things in life are NOT free. But what makes things special when you are able to make the best of what's free and make it special. 
5. The world will be your oyster, but you'll have to learn to work your way up. You'll only get the things you deserve or make an effort to achieve. Maybe you'd like to do it the hard way, maybe you'd like to pull some strings to make things easier. One thing is certain, you only get what you give.
6. Everything is a domino effect of something. One thing will always affect another so be wary of the things you do.
7. Meeting new people gets harder when you grow older. This is because you have a lot more to loose. Every meeting is a risk but at the same time, an opportunity.
8. Always be sincere. Never be someone you are not. Cry when you feel like crying and laugh when you feel like laughing. Never keep it all in. Share your emotions so that people will also share theirs. 
9. People will forget about you. That thing is certain. If you want to continue being a part of their lives, you'll have to make the effort to make them see that you still exist. Don't wait for them to remember you. Chances are, they never will.
10. The most beautiful thing in this world are the moments you know you'll never have back or can replicate. Enjoy every second and know that there it is highly unlikely you will never experience it again. That kiss you gave him, that song you sang with your best friend and that joke you successfully shared with your family and colleagues.Those are the moments that make living worth it.

The day is young and I have a few more ours to go before my big day ends. Although I was  never able to do all the 21 things before 21, I'm glad I took the time to make things special. Now that I'm legal everywhere, I think I might celebrate tonight with a drink.

Cheers!

Someone Anxious

Sensitive.

source: http://cdn.smosh.com/sites/default/files/bloguploads/haters-gaga.gif

Unlike Holly or Jackie, I'm a little bit more sensitive when it comes to people... especially with their untoward comments. Maybe it's because of my Catholic school upbringing or maybe because I just grew up being teased a lot. Still, I would rather be sensitive than be numb because being in emotionally distressing situations remind me that I am human and I still feel. 

Once emotionally distressed, I'm not prone to anger. Actually, I hate anger. I hate confrontations. I've heard and had my fair share of shouting matches to last me a lifetime. In fact, I've had my fair share of emotionally distressing situations to last me a lifetime. The thing is, I think I've only come to realize recently that there are people in this world who you will always feel uncomfortable with.Worse, there are people in this world who ensures that you will be uncomfortable every time you are with them. I often wonder why that is.

There has to be some reason why haters hate so much. Actually, do they even know that they hate at all?

Someone Anxious

When people ask you why...

...always answer why not.

source: brutaltits.tumblr.com

Since my 21 before 21 failed miserably (no regets though), I've decided to just make the best out of my 21st birthday. My mindset? Nothing and no one will ruin my mood and despite feeling down these past few days, I've decided to just let things be. Time to think about what I want, what could be the best for me and what I think will make it happy. 

Anywhoo... 

Last Saturday, I spent the day with my friends at the amusement park and when people remind me of him, I've come to realize that there is no point in denying it. I can be subtle about it and I can divert conversation. Still, at the end of the day, people will say his name and I just end up thinking about everything all over again. Why? Why him and why up until now? Simple. Why not? My friend, I hate the fact that if we talk about him, you say everything with disdain. There is nothing to hate. In fact, I find everything laughable. It's just that, I'm not like you and what might be easy for you, may not for me. Let's face it, I'm...

...Someone Anxious.

High-end Low Points.

Talk about roller coaster rides.

This week has been one of the most emotional ones I've had so far and even though I haven't been able to do a lot from my 21 before 21 list, I'm amazed that I'm even able emotionally to survive this far. Despite feeling like total crap both emotionally and physically, I was able to finally decide on a couple of things already. For that, I am grateful.

Every time I have a low point, I listen to Albert Hammond, Jr. My favorite song from him is In Transit which by the way, was the reason I passed my thesis back in the university. This song was my constant companion during those sleepless nights and crazy Saturday mornings where I was typing alone in the university library.

Check the video out here.

It never fails me to make me smile and remind of days when I was hopeful to see someone or pass something. I believe that there is always this one song that will remind you of how to overcome challenges and for the many high-end low points in my life, this is it.

Enjoy!

Someone Anxious.

21 Before 21: Eat, Shop and More!

Last Saturday, I was really planning to cross out run from my list but since father reminded me of my 'fragile' state, he decreed that I am not to wake up at such an early state. Instead, I ended up having a very heavy brunch with my family at an eat-all-you can Japanese restaurant.

Although I did not stuff myself like usual, it was nice having a proper meal with everyone. We rarely get to talk about things and we rarely get to even just sit down and have a meal together. Still, sometimes I feel like I'm a stranger to most of them. Even though I'm close to my cousin, I can see that my brother and her share a special bond because they work so closely with one another. Funny how you feel like a stranger, even to your own family.

I did hang out with Janey after and even though our spontaneous Saturday didn't push through, we were able to watch one game of rugby and have merienda back at my place. It was nice sharing my thoughts with her and even though we don't really agree on things, it's nice to have a friendly conversation about things. Yup. We're not the type to debate.

The next day, I went back to the South to spend time with my grandmother and my uncle. He bought me new wedges (for my birthday) and I bought socks and toiletries as well. But I felt sick to my stomach that same day and by the time I went home, I was so sick that I couldn't even stomach dinner. Still, I was able to cross out shop from my list.

I never really listed it down but I think this is worth blogging about. I did something that I don't usually do this week and I think this is something I should write about just to get everything out there. For the first time in months, I cried. I'm not fond of crying simply because I grew up in a family that taught me early on that crying is a sign of weakness. So when I cry, I always feel like a total failure. A weakling. I can actually hear my mom's voice telling me that I'm such a sissy. Maybe I am.

I won't go over the details on why I did (because thinking about it just makes me more depressed and I honestly want to forget about it) but I realized that the reason why I cried is the tipping point of things. Maybe I'm just too idealistic but I believe that there are lines that should never be crossed. In fact, if people were more idealistic with things, I think the world will be a better place. A little courtesy can really go a long way.

I may not have a lot, but I know I am worth something. Just so you know I am valuable and my value goes beyond to feeling like this or being treated like that. I may not be perfect but the last thing I want is to make people feel the same way I feel now. And that's all I have to say.

Someone Anxious.