The Search for Daniel: Dan Radcliffe

4 years ago, my gay fashion designer uncle gave me a ring he randomly found on the floor. Originally, I thought it came from a boyfriend he wanted to forget but after an interrogation session where I ended up just looking stupid, he told me that he found it on the floor of his gym shower and no one would claim it. The ring couldn't fit him so he gave it to me since my hands (back then) were bare.

After a few days of wearing the said ring, I realized that a name 'Daniel' was engraved in it. I remember first telling Holly about it and I remember her telling me over the years that it would be funny if I did end up with a man named 'Daniel'.

It was right about when my grandmother gave me her gold navy ring that I decided to stop wearing Daniel (as I affectionately named the ring). Throughout my college life, I wore that navy ring.

Recently, my office told me that I should wear wedding bands to make me 'older' and I instantly lit up. I instantly thought about Daniel and after a hectic search through what is left of my jewelry collection (due to the big move), I started wearing Daniel again.

I was wondering... Will Holly be right? Will I fall in love and end up with a man named Daniel? Maybe this is my own version of destiny... Hopefully (for some unknown reason), I end up with this Daniel:

Source: http://paulywesley.tumblr.com/post/27781545111

Hoping that the universe will allow me to end up with this gorgeous man!

S.A.

Looking for Something Stronger...

FROM: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7qdcgzyL41ry9ftto1_500.jpg

Last night, instead of going to a friend's DJ competition, I decided to go to an acquaintance's birthday party (as requested by our common friend). At first, I just wanted to stay at home, but I started thinking about getting my lazy ass out there and maybe bumping into people I haven't seen in a long time. So, I stood up, took a bath and placed make-up on (since I've decided to be more "out there" just in case I meet "the one" or "Mr. I'm a Good Fuck for the Night".

Little did I know that it wouldn't be such as amazing or fun as I thought it would be.

My friend, asked me to go to another friend's house near my village as she spent the day there with her high school friends. She called a cab from there and we went to our friend's apartment. Looking back, I honestly felt a little bit used. Like I was merely my friend's chaperon during our cab ride. Why would I be asked to go in the first place? I'm not a close friend of the celebrant, not part of the inner group nor am I even close to the majority of people invited...

When we got there, everyone was practically in their pajamas. The first comment to me was: "Heeeeeey! You're wearing make-up...." Yup. I just wanted to look nice. Honestly, I just wanted to look really really pretty. So pretty that I wouldn't have to think about being the wallflower for once. Anyways, it doesn't matter since we just spent the rest of the night eating chips, pizza and playing a movie drinking game. A movie, which I'm really not as passionate about like most people. I don't get it really. I mean, I guess it's nice and the story is really dark but, c'mon! Do I seem like a person who would want to watch a man talk in a weird husky voice while chasing a clown in a city filled with people who just don't care?

Plus, when I was finally starting to socialize, the person I was talking to was always swept away by my friend which I found totally annoying. Yes, I know you have big news but I thought you were waiting for everyone to get settled? I'm pretty sure there's still something there between them... like a hidden attention-attaraction disorder.

I know they say that when in Rome, do what the Romans do but honestly, I think I'd rather be in India. I really wish people would try to be a little bit more considerate when inviting people to parties. Especially to house parties... 

The thing is, I'm okay. I'm okay that I went. It was nice seeing people I had fun moments with two years ago. It was great to talk to a friend about work and plans (before he was swept away to talk about another friend's big announcement). In fact, I had a great time eating chips, cookies and pizza. 

But there's just that feeling that it would have been alright if I didn't go in the first place. Maybe I should have just went to that club (despite how uncomfortable I am when I'm in one) and supported my DJ friend.  Maybe I should have just stayed home and saw that documentary in History that I've been dying to watch. 

Maybe, just maybe, I lied when I bid goodbye and said I'll see them soon.

Someone Anxious

On Restlessness.

For almost five months, I've been up and about for most of my weekends. There was always something to do. Meet friends here. Go to the supplier (for our online jewelry store). Meet my grandmother and uncle for our usual Sunday tradition.

I'm not used to staying home anymore. 

Last weekend, I was forced (due to the weather) to stay at home. My dad practically banned me from going out. It was during this ban that I've come to realize that home is not really home for me. It was a place that where I could sleep or use the bathroom with... but it is not what I know is home. 

This idea made me nothing but restless.

It made me want to get out, to run away from the cobwebs that surrounded my father's apartment. 

As my father served me big portions of spaghetti and cordon bleu, I stared at how jovial he was to see me home. I saw how happy he was that for the first time in months, he did not have to give me a ride to my uncle's house. 

Honestly, it made me kinda sad. 

I realized that we both want different things. I want to go, he wants me to stay (simply because he never really had me before). I want to leave and see the world, he already saw the world and is tired of it. I live to know, he knows how to live. The list goes on forever and I almost cried while eating my asparagus ridden cordon bleu simply because I understood.

I understood that he will never ever help me find that apartment (regardless of his connections and abilities), he will never understand the pressure I am to leave and he will never understand that I know how hard it is for him to have me there. 

For the first time in awhile, I was restless and restlessness made me realize that there are things that I badly want. It may be irrational to want them but I want them nonetheless. I want them because I can never find peace without it. 

I've come to accept that I am a

Restless soul,

Someone Anxious

Being Famous.

I admit it. I do want to be famous. I really do... but as I told Holly last Friday, I want it to come on my own terms.

I really am not the type of person to actively want the spotlight (although I do tend to simply because I'm self-centered that way). Thinking about it now, I remind myself of Carmen in The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.

I do want to get famous... but I honestly think that I want it in a different light. Not like the celebrity kind of way (I now have a mental image of Kim Kardashian). I think I would like it more if I'm famous for doing something I am truly passionate about without thinking about becoming famous. The best example I have here is Vivan Maier. She was a nanny and amateur photographer. She died not knowing what will happen to the rolls of film in her boxes. Then, destiny (if you believe in it, if not, then it's just luck) someone found her works during an auction last 2007 and poof, she is now what I consider one of the most inspirational forces in street photography.

I think... I do want to be famous, but more importantly, I want to be recognized for the things that I really wish to succeed. Right now, maybe it's my work (which is going pretty great compared to a few months ago). Maybe it's my hobby with photography. Or maybe, it's me simply eating.

I do want to be famous, but more importantly, I want to be recognized for being... simply me. :)

Maybe, just maybe, I do want to be recognized as,

Someone Anxious.

I think I lost my appetite...

If you buy a DVD of Sense and Sensibility (the 1995 version with Alan Rickman and Emma Thompson), you'll be able to view a deleted scene where Elinor talks to her mother on the hardships of knowing something despite expecting it to happen already.

I can tell you from experience that Elinor was absolutely right.

There is something about expecting something. Hoping that maybe it could be different. That maybe the inevitable might end out differently. Then there is that pang of regret (or maybe pain) upon finding out about something you knew was going to happen anyway. Maybe it comes from knowing that a deed is done. Something you actually wish would never happen is now irreversible.

I think I lost my appetite...

Someone Anxious.

5 Things That Never Go As Planned

1.) Diets
Let's face it. We've all been there.

I always start my diet every Monday and by Wednesday, I would have come to the conclusion that it did not and never will go as planned.

I love food. I mean, I used to be a quantity eater (and now I am learning to be a quality eater) and even though I try my best to stop and just think of food as something I need and not something I want, I can't help it.

I love stuffing my face.

2.) Apartment Hunting
Yes. This never goes as planned as well.

Last Saturday, I dragged Holly to go apartment hunting with me. I've been dying to show her this apartment near the city. Budget wise, it was just right for the both of us and the location was ideal. It was just too good to be true.

No really, it was.

After staying in front of the building for 30 minutes and screaming the caretaker's name, we've decided to just go home. I realized that there are things that just don't push through despite the planning.

3.) Sleepovers
I honestly believe that the best way to enjoy sleepovers and to have the best flexible plan as possible.

I've been to a lot of sleepovers in my life (mostly after I left home and started living alone). But the best one I could recall would be ones where I just hung out, pig out and talk with my friends (not necessarily in that order but the pig out is really a must - see no.1).

Sleepovers should NEVER ever go as planned (it's just more fun that way - think, adventure!)

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

4.) Family Trips
I don't know about you guys but my family trips, although generally boring, never goes as planned.

For example, going to the north once, my family made reservations for room and we got a cottage instead. Then, instead of a weekend riding horses, I ended up watching my grandmother, mother and the rest of my family get riled up over mahjohng.

Sometimes, family trips don't go as planned but just like sleepovers, I like them that way. It helps me remember something about the trip and never ever take it for granted.

5.) Your Period.
I don't know about you, but I've never been a regular woman (ladies, are you with me?). Thus, every time I get my monthlies, I'm surprised as hell and never prepared. I can count the times when I had my bag with all my needs and trust me, my toiletries bag is never prepared as it should be.

How about you?

Someone Anxious