On Failing.

The hardest part on failing something is accepting.

Accepting that there are some things that are not meant to be.

Accepting things that you wanted so bad or tried so hard.

And slowly, as it creeps towards you and engulfs you,

doubt.

When it matters not.

All the Wrong Buttons.

Dear Friend,

The one rule I follow - both in my personal and professional aspects of my life - is quite simple:

"Never make big decisions when you are either PMS-ing or Post-MS-ing."

Sounds stupid, I know. Most especially if you're a regular. Doing the math, I realized that if you are a regular, you can't make big hasty decisions for 5 days every month (assuming you have 2 days of pre and post-menstrual syndromes and 3  days of the actual period). 

But since, I am an irregular - meaning I have my period for at least 5 days every other month - I try to not make any hasty and emotion-fueled decisions during this time. 

But somehow, I think I'm being tested. 

It's funny how some people always see themselves as survivors when in fact, they are apparently acting like they are victims. Same way some people always say that they don't want the drama but they are the ones making the drama. 

My friend, I am at a tipping point. 

I can't help but wonder how the same person who say she is "sensitive" to the plight of others (whether alive or even paranormal beings), can actually be the most insensitive person I have ever met. 

They say that the characters you meet shape you as a person. To be honest, I am at a breaking point. 

My friend, you know I am not entirely religious. Organized religion has disappointed me before. But now, I ask whatever Being there might be, if this is a sign or if this is a test? 

About to say "Goodbye and Good Luck",

Losing Appwetite

Despite the festivities, I find myself losing my appetite.

Between the kare-kare and fruit salad... The pork ribs and the baked salmon... The mind-less chatter and the inevitable, I find myself lost and alone.

Is it possible that no one really knows you? That everyone just says the wrong things?

Is it possible that they always assume what your thoughts are? That your idealism is mistaken for naivety? That it is their god-given mission to make you realize your inevitable failure. Or maybe, deviously, everyone just wants you to fail?

When everyone seems content in making you accept the mundane, should you still pursue greatness?

It seems that everyone just wants you to lose your appetite for life despite the dishes in front of you. Kare-kare and fruit salad. Pork ribs and salmon.

Mind-less chatter and the inevitable.

You've Got Thoughts...

Dear Friend,

I've just had one of those days where my inner Kathleen Kelly resurfaced... Maybe it's too little 'You've Got Mail' or too much Sam Smith's Lonely Hour. Either way, it did not feel good and it seems  that there's no one to talk to about it.

Christmas is fast approaching and everyone has something to do or someone to meet. So many things are fast approaching and with the hustle and bustle of the city, I'm left wondering if being lonely is such a good thing - especially now.

Today, another tipping point was ticked off and the blues took me over on my way home. Sometimes, I just wish you were there to talk to me, tell me that it's okay to have a meltdown. Sometimes, I wish you were there to because I needed someone. Anyone.

Where are you?

Someone Anxious

Jaded

Talking to one of my team mates about work and life always seems so refreshing. Although it may not seem like it, he's actually one of the best persons I'm able to discuss about things because he (most of the times) doesn't judge the way you talk or express yourself when you do. In short, he's a good listener.

Due to a, what I call, a "series of unfortunate" events, I've been a little bit more passive about things. I've noticed that I'm more jaded about life simply because the people around me are. There are only a few people that I know who constantly shows their support for things I believe in, and I feel that instead of running against the tide, I'm just going with the flow.

During one of our brief lunch conversations, I shared my thoughts on 'jadedness' and he mentioned that it's not lack of passion or motivation but rather, I have matured - equating it to the fact that I have come to accept that my ideals are bound to never happen.

"You were too idealistic"

"You can work for the ideal but the things you envision is not going to happen."

"The faster you accept it, the more mature and better it is"

Is it wrong for me to disagree?

I doubt if my jadedness is all about becoming mature. I strongly disagree with the idea that maturity, in its entirety, is because you have come to accept that you are a corporate slave for the next 40 years or so.

What I do believe in is that we all choose and we cannot blame life if we never end up what we want to do. I believe in work to live vs. live to work. I've seen my mother and father waste away their lives and marriage because they were too busy with work rather than each other or with us, their children.

I believe in believing. Steve Jobs, in his commencement speech, said it best: "Stay Young. Stay Foolish."

The thing is, I've read the lives of gurus, travelers and successful CEOs. I've read all about people who, despite hardships, are able to succeed. The one thing I noticed is that there is no formula. The only common denominator is that everyone, despite the advice of their passive and good listening friends, stayed faithful to the vision they had for themselves.

I hear Steve Jobs' voice: "Stay Young. Stay Foolish."

Foolish in love? Yes, I've done that.

Foolish with work? Yes, more times than I can count.

Foolish for pursuing my dreams? Always.

I hear it again: "Stay Young. Stay Foolish."

So here's to 2015 and to following my dreams!

A Series of Day by Days

You know there's no rhyme or reason
For the way you turned out to be
I didn't go and try to change my mind
Not intentionally
I know it's hard to hear me say it
But I can't bear to stay
And I just know, I know, I know, I know
That you're gonna be okay anyway
Always keep your heart locked tight
Don't let your mind retire
Oh, but I just couldn't take it
I tried hard not to fake it
But I fumbled it when it came down to the wire

Recently, my life has been a flurry of day by day activities. Truthfully, I've been living a routine of weekend work trips, Monday and Thursday night Yoga classes and the never ending sleepless nights that unusually plagues me now.

Given my "trying to be healthy" activities recently, I've also been trying to open my mind to new things. Music, being one of them. I've recently discovered Haim and I'm hooked with The Wire. The ultimate feel good song that captures my inner bitch feelings for X. I did mention to Frances two weeks back, over the most fulfilling - diet crushing- buffet lunch with the boys, that we're not an item and we will never be. Now that weeks have passed and I'm finally able to fully digest what transpired, I do feel liberated - proving once and for all that I may not seem as prudish as I (and everyone else) thought I was.

Speaking about prudishness, thinking about the exact opposite - heavy doses of PDA and thoughts of sex, I attended a wedding of an aunt last Sunday (the fact that she's roughly only 5 years older than me makes me wonder how normal is my family). Wearing my favorite A|K gold dress and sporting the amazing sunglasses the Certified Olympian gave me two birthdays past, I felt like I was ready to mingle and be the life of the party.

Unfortunately, it's a family affair. Thus, mingling was limited to the following:

• Family members you haven't seen in awhile. This includes a long lost uncle who mistook you for your own brother (I also don't know how this is possible since I was wearing a dress and I did look very feminine if I say so myself). 
• The bride. My aunt who was wondering all through out our conversation before my uncle informed her that I was indeed my mother's daughter, the family's eldest in said generation - twice removed (adding this bit for flair)! 
• The groom. Whom I only met on said wedding.

And by god, where was the dancing? 

Aside from the customary first dance plus the heart-wrenching father and daughter dance, whatever happened to guests dancing as well? Is it just me or no one really does these things anymore? I'm not talking about jumping and flailing about like I'm in a club - although I don't mind at all. I'm talking about actual dancing where people actually slow dance and party the night through...

...Maybe I've just been watching too many sappy rom-coms where man and woman dance and celebrate in the end.

either way, looking forward to dancing in future weddings,

When It Rains, It Pours

It's been raining lately and I've been thinking about how when it rains, it pours.

Especially with the weather right now, I can't help to think that maybe the world sensed my gloom and automatically, they matched my mood. After months of intense heat and complains, we were finally able to experience raindrops and flooded streets. Some say it's a sign that the end is near (just as my very paranoid office mate) or that maybe the weather is going back to the way it used to be (June and July being the start of the wet season).

I've also been hearing the same expression when it comes to work.

A boss, upon congratulating me on several - albeit assisted - closes, quipped: "It seems that when it rains, it pours..." I can't help but grin, it was true. After such a "dry spell" in the workplace (including all the negative thoughts and depressing weary wondering of 'What am I doing with my life?'), I'm finally able to catch myself again and start thinking about more positive things in life and in work. I've even tried doing the whole "plastic" route. When I'm feeling the blues, I automatically think of my favorite things - thank you, Sound of Music - or start talking about positive things about someone. The goal was, fight the blues by making the people around you laugh. So far, things have been progressing quite well. This was until several things happened that make you really do wonder: "Will life keep giving you storms you can't handle?"

Even with problems, it seems that when it rains, it pours.

I don't want to fill me head with random negative thoughts, more so this blog. Although, I've been filling this blog with happier moments to get my mind off things, I need a little more light in my life.

Thinking of sunshine and the gentle afternoon breeze,