Stars (Dear Fool)

Dear Fool,


The stars are up and I'm beginning to vent everything out in this blog. 



I just wrote a really long one about security which was inspired by your post earlier. I just had an epiphany. I am secured. In a way, I feel security in knowing that things are no longer like before. I am more aware of what it takes to enter something. I am more sensitive with how I think and what I do. In a way, I am more mature. The thing is, I am still not whole and as you know, being whole does not really rely on finding your soul mate (we both don't believe in that whole 'you complete me' thing going on). I guess, completeness comes when you realize that you are no longer looking.

Maybe that's why I call myself 'Someone Anxious' because I'm always eager to enter something, anything for the sake of experience.

I realized that this journey will only end when I have accepted that I am what I need to be to function. I have to be able to show myself out of this misery alone. Waiting for him is fruitless. Waiting for anyone to show me the stars at night is fruitless. Waiting in general is fruitless.

I still have a long way to go. 

Still waiting,
Someone Anxious.

Security

And all you can do is just wait by the moon and bleed if it's what she says you oughta do.

- Here's looking at you, kid by The Gaslight Anthem   

The Fool inspired me to talk about safety and how growing up makes you feel like loosing that sense of security you feel about everything. Back when I was young, everything was linear. Everything was one tracked and thus, easy to figure things out. You meet someone, you start liking them, you spend time with them, you begin something more personal, a small misunderstanding, a big fight and then the break-up. 

Now, I realized that everything is different. One does not necessarily lead to another. I guess, in a way, growing up has taught me that you have the ability to not make everything linear. Although, you have to be more cautious because now, it's double the pain. You will hurt more and you will cry more simply because more emotions are invested, more risks are involved and you are gambling on a game that you always loose upon playing the first round. 

I'm thinking about it now, is this journey to find what we are looking for worth it? Is getting our hearts crushed and crying our hearts out every night worth it? Why do we keep looking for that special someone, our prince charming? Why do we keep falling in love with him and him and him and him even if we know that there is no way in this world they will ever even like us back? Why do we keep searching for that perfect moment, that moment that makes our heart stop and allows us to grin like fools amongst random strangers we encounter. 

Because it's all worth it. 

And if waiting is what I have to do to get back into your good graces or for you to realize that I'm here and that I may be hurt but just one call, just one explanation can fix everything then I'm here.

I'm waiting.

The love month is fast approaching...

... and I'm not prepared for it.

Should I even be prepared for it?

While friends of mine are talking about their dates and plans, I'm stuck with the idea of celebrating alone. Getting something fancy, probably somewhere along the lines of a fancy dinner and lingerie I'll never use. Then, epiphany. I realized that if I go to the mall and get that dinner, I'll be surrounded by couples enjoying a good meal. If I try that teddy I've been meaning to buy, I'll probably be in the store with a man buying something for his special someone.

I guess I shouldn't really prepare for it... the loneliness is inevitable.

-Someone Anxious.

Hurting

…Again and again…because those

I care for best, do me

Most harm…

 - Sappho

Yes. I'm still hurting. I'm still hurting because I still care. Do people really expect me to just move on like that? To just not think about it? Why can't they understand that the last thing I need would be happy banter. The last think I need would be people making fun of things they barely give time to comprehend.

Yeah. For awhile, I'll be the bad vibe in every party.

It's not like I want to be the party pooper. Do they honestly think that I like crying myself to sleep?




~

I was looking for something in my room today and I stumbled upon this letter I wrote to him a few months back. I was in this retreat of sorts and we were asked to write a letter to someone we deemed worthy together with a letter to God. I couldn't even look at it. I shred it to pieces and threw it straight into the bin while trying not to cry.

It still hurts... so much.

-Someone Anxious.

Waiting

As pointed out by my friend, waiting takes a toll when it comes to finding him. I guess being in such a society where it is the man who finds you, there is still that whole thing hanging above my head. I know I say I'm a modern woman and that if you like somebody, make the move and go for it. Be decisive. Take initiative. Still, deep down, it's still nice to find somebody who likes you without lifting a finger.

I know what you're thinking. There's probably someone out there who is attracted to me and I just don't know it. Afterall, millions of men you come into passing each day and I just don't know it. I may have locked eyes with said person already. Still, it would be nice if I find someone nice who likes me and I like him without lifting a finger.

Too demanding,
Someone Anxious.

Dear friend,

For a moment I couldn't help it. I suddenly checked his profile and here it is again. That feeling of hurt that moves you to tears late at night when you're all alone in bed wishing things were different. Will it always be like this? I know I've been telling people that I want to take the high road... that I don't want to wish him ill will despite what he did. But the truth is, I still care and I think for some time, I still will.

Is it so wrong to care? Honestly? Am I being to saintly about this? I'm not saying I should be a martyr of sorts but it's just so goddamn hard to not care about somebody you obviously do. I'm not defending him and what he did. I'm not saying that such actions are acceptable or that it should always be forgiven. It's just that... despite what he did, I care.

I'm not saying that I'm stupid enough to want to be with him or meet up yet again. I'm also not saying that I'm crazy enough to just focus on him and let my world revolve around him. What I'm actually saying is that I'm over it. I wish him well despite what he did and I know I dug my own grave. Let's just say, we're even.

I guess in a way, my journey starts here. I have accepted the fact that it's time to move on and now, I am moving on. Let's not wallow in misery, anger and hurt. Let's not think about the pain and how much it hurts to find out that genuine concern and trust were repaid by the superficiality of  the ego.

I have learned my lesson.

Until then dear friend,
Someone Anxious.

Introductions

Okay. So let me introduce myself. I am Someone Anxious. Nearly twenty year old female who has this tendency to make all the wrong choices when it comes to matters of the heart. Feisty annoying bitch by day, hopeless romantic at night. Yes, I am one of those girls... and this blog will be all about that.

This is actually my second time to write. I previously had the same blog with the same name and it was pretty much the same except it was all about my journey to get this specific man to enter something serious with me. Upon finding out that he was a total ass, my impulses made me delete the whole thing.

A friend of mine and I were talking about love and how it would be nice to write about this supposedly 'journey'.  So, I have decided to revive this to document my adventures in this chaotic world to find that person I want to be with and who wants to be with me.

Simple? Yes. Extraordinary? Maybe.

So check this blog out from time to time  to find out.

Yours until a new adventure,
Someone Anxious.