21 Before 21: Change

THIS WAS FOR FEB. 28 ( I completely forgot to post)

Last night, I was pondering on what exactly I did that I could cross out from my 21 before 21 list. I was feeling a bit blue because it seemed that I just when through my day without doing anything at all. I realized that the big highlight of my day was writing my articles for our online magazine (which I've already crossed out) and changing diskcover. Then it hit me. I CHANGED diskcover! That's was it! I can cross out change.

I'm really glad I did change diskcover. It didn't feel right talking about writing about my photography obsession in it. Something was really off every time I wrote about taking photographs. When I met Holly the other day,I shared how much it irked me to write about the photographs I like because 1.) I wasn't technically knowledgeable about it and 2.) I believe that a picture is worth a thousand words and describing it would just be adding another useless thousand. Sometimes, I think I kill the emotional movement one feels when looking at my photographs simply because I describe it to them.

Now, I've decided to make zramphotography as my official photo site. You can check out my photographs here: www.wix.com/zramphotography/online.

Cheers!

Someone Anxious!

21 Before 21: Give

Yesterday was such a hot and tiring day. Still, despite wanting to just go home and sleep, I decided to meet a friend so he can have a birthday dinner of sorts.

I'm not really a fan of this friend. Since I'm being honest, he's barely a friend to me actually. The thing is, no matter what he does, he just ends up infuriating me. In fact, every time I'm with him, I just end up turning tables. But when he called and asked for company, I couldn't just say no. It was his birthday and I felt like if my presence can make it feel a little bit more special, than maybe it would be worth the one hour of sleep I won't be getting that night.

So after running errands the whole afternoon (in intense heat, by the way) I met him in mall and we shared a meal in a small cafe. We talked, I tried not to get infuriated and for the first time in a million years, I did not negate his opinions. In short, I was well behaved.

Last night, I gave him company and though I said that 'give' in my list was the material sort, I realized that what I did for him will be more than anything I could give to a stranger. I gave him (a stranger of sorts in my life) a chance to be my friend.

Someone Anxious.

another blog re-vamp.

I edited diskcover again. Honestly, the lomo blog is not really working out for me. So I decided to pursue one more endeavor to keep it going. How do you guys feel about podcasts?

Yup. I guess deep inside I always wanted to be a host of sorts and hopefully diskcover will be a success!

Know anyone interested to join?

Someone Anxious.

21 Before 21: Write

Last night, I met up with Holly to catch up on things. We went to B's, one of my favorite coffee and cake places. The ambiance there is simply outstanding. We had a great time smoking, drinking coffee (well, I had tea) and talking about what's been happening.

The funny thing is, while drinking coffee and talking about my everlasting unhappiness and constipation, I ended up telling her about this amazing online magazine idea I've had for awhile. I started talking about how I always wanted to sort of replicate Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop but more for the younger (cheaper) crowd here in the city. I've been thinking about this for awhile now and when I told Holly, she was surprisingly supportive.

We don't usually get along when it comes to writing. I prefer writing about lighter more personal things about my emotions and Holly's more into the whole fashion, literature and experience categories. Honestly, I'm not a fashionista so I'm not a big fan of talking about dressing up or what make-up to use. I like my clothes comfy and classic (thus, my addiction to RRL). What I do love to do is eat! I absolutely love to eat whenever and wherever I can. My dream job? To be the host of Man vs. Food!

That is why, last night, Holly and I decided to create our online magazine. I believe we're (including two people we believe to be great as a contributor) the perfect mix of crazy, wild, lazy, calm and adventurous.

The concept is simple, three categories that everyone (every girl if you think about it) loves. I don't want to jinx it so I won't spill the details here yet. What I will tell you though is that because of this project, I was able to cross out write from my list. Yesterday was all about writing!

I started writing the drafts when I got home last night and will probably finish everything by tonight. I'm also thinking of writing.

What's fun about this project is that it is the real thing. Not just something to do on our spare time, but an honest to goodness real online lifestyle magazine that will hopefully reach people out there to try some of the things we highly recommend.

Can't wait for the first issue!

Someone Anxious.

Courage.

“If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything.”

                                     -Win Borden 

One of the few things I do while waiting for someone to answer my call would be searching for quotes. I'd read quotes for hours and hours until I know that the time to pack my things is near. Today, I came across this one and I felt like it was another sign from the universe to change a few things in my life.

I often pray for the courage to be better and while I may feel like a total coward at times, I know that there will come a time when I can say the things I would really like to say. I think it gets harder with age because we learn to fear so many things. We fear rejection, we fear when we insult others or we fear hurting someone. I would often think that it would be better if it was me who was hurt instead of involuntarily hurting others. Then again, the age of martyrdom is gone. Who am I kidding? Getting hurt is simply that... getting hurt.

Honestly, I'm tired of getting hurt, feeling disappointed or hoping for more. I'm tired of being cast aside, taken for granted or simply considered mediocre. I'm really glad Jackie and Janey took the time to make my weekend special. Things like those make me realize that at least, to them, I am worth the effort.

Oh, what to do? What to do when you can barely be you?

Pensive,

Someone Anxious.

21 Before 21: Sleep, Talk, Play and Try.

Wow. I'm speechless.

The past few days have been such an experience. I was able to do a lot of things for my 21 before 21 project and I also realized that some friends will really go all the way for you.

SLEEP
For Feb. 23, I went home early and slept for more than 8 hours. After watching Man vs. Food (which, by the way, is quickly becoming my favorite show) I turned off the T.V. and slept until 7 am the next day. I quickly took a shower and rushed off to work feeling quite renewed.

TALK
So, last Friday (Feb. 24) was the conference I've been gushing about for the past three or four weeks. I was really surprised to be part of it (and be a paper presenter, no less). I'm so happy that the groups from my university presented very well and we were able to deliver exactly what was expected of us. Plus, I was able to answer a question from the professors and see old ones as well. Going to the conference, talking to students about theoretical knowledge and mingling with academicians really made me realize that I still want to go back. I still want to take my M.A. and hopefully, my Ph.D. I know I've tried to deny it many times before but now I am certain. Talk made me realize that I still do (and hope) to teach.

PLAY
Wow. I guess we are getting old. Jackie and Janey went with me to an old childhood park and we played football for like 30 minutes or so. Of course, we weren't like the players who just finished their game or the kids who really knew how to kick. But I did have a great time kicking the ball, chasing it while cursing my heart out and trying hard to psych out Jackie as she blocked every goal me and Janey would throw at her. Plus, Jackie surprised me by giving me the ball at the end of the night saying that it was her advanced birthday gift for me. So surprised. I really thought that she bought the ball for herself (being the football fan that she is). Then, Janey treated me to some chicken wings, chicken fingers and beer! First time at an Irish pub! We were joined by our friends Michelle (hahahaha! Yup, that's her code name) and drank Strongbow. Michelle treated us to nachos and we had fun talking, teasing Janey about rugby (which was playing while we were there) and talking about random things. I was so drunk that I fell asleep in Janey's car. Honestly, I really don't remember how we end up back in our place.

TRY
I do feel bad for skipping my grandmother's birthday for the conference so I decided to treat her and my uncle to cake and coffee last Sunday. I've tried this restaurant many times before but not this specific branch. I was so surprised on how good the cakes are and how big the slices were. I'm rarely a cake person but I thought that this was a good day to try something new. I'm glad I did.

16 more to go!

Someone Anxious.

21 Before 21: Pray

It was the first day for my 21 before 21 challenge. Yesterday was also Ash Wednesday and I decided that it would be a perfect time to cross out 'Pray' from my list.

   PRAY   

Honestly, it's been a long time since I willingly went to mass. The last time I really prayed was during the cleansing trip and if I'm being honest, it's been months since then.

I'm glad I did go to mass though and I'm happy that I was able to fast for the day. It made me realize that the act of fasting is a reminder of the many things we have and often take for granted. Do we really take the time out of our day to talk to God? For the past year, I never even went to mass willingly, even if it is just an hour every week.

I'm hoping to change that.

I hope that this whole experience (plus fasting although it is more of a liquid diet/cleansing thing) will remind me to be more pious.

20 more out of 21,

Someone Anxious.

Some people really do know how to make you smile (From UNO = Sharing all my firsts.: The Perfect Guy)

My good friend, the Certified Olympian, blogged this and I can't help but smile. Funny how we find the best romantic hearts among our friends. I think everyone who will ever come across this blog bearing a broken heart should absolutely read this.

UNO = Sharing all my firsts.: The Perfect Guy: To my everdearest friend: By the time you read this post, I hope you have resolved things and cleared your heart and mind from all that em...

Cheers,

21 Before 21. (One Day Before I Start)

So, tomorrow is officially the start of my 21 Before 21 Challenge and it seems like no one wants to add to my list (either that or my friends totally missed the post). Anyways, instead of feeling down and blue about certain things and people, I just decided to finish the list today.

On my earlier post, I already had five things to do, namely: Shop, Give, Write, Change and Clean. It seemed pretty obvious really. The list contains key action words that will help me do something a little different or extra that will make my birthday celebration more special.

So here's the complete list:

1. Shop. Buy new shoes, tops and books! I'm pretty sure my uncle will be able to help me with this simply because we do it every week.
2. Give. It could be a couple of bucks to a stranger in need or my dinner take away. It doesn't matter as long as I'm able to offer material help to someone in need.
3. Write. I have this nice project idea about writing down these thoughts of what I wish could have been. I even tried making a whole blog about it but I can't seem to write it online. I sort of want to get it started for the day. 
4. Change. It would be nice to change a couple of things in my life. It doesn't have to life altering but something that could allow me to lift myself out of my usual daily slump.
5. Clean. Alright. Also finally time to clean out that space I call a closet.
6. Pray. I've stopped praying for the past couple of years and I feel like I should add it to the list. With lent just around the corner, I think it seems right to stop for awhile and talk to Him.
7. Sleep. I've been deprived of this lately (even though my dad thinks I'm full of it). I can't remember the last time I had more than eight hours. It would be nice to take time to physically rest.
8. Walk. I've always wanted to go on a photo walk alone. I've never really tried fully immersing myself in street photography. I think this will be a great time to do so. 
9. Run. Yup. I've stopped running ever since I moved to my dad's. I think it would be nice to start the habit again.
10. Eat. Yes! How is it possible that I have done 10 already without including this? But this time, instead of simply pigging out, I want to try something a little different. Maybe a new restaurant or something different from my usual order.
11. Laugh. It's been a long time since I've seen a romantic comedy in the movie house and since I'm being honest, the last movie that made me laugh was Rango and that was for kids. Thinking about it now, it doesn't have to be a movie but maybe just a joke... something that will just make me... laugh.
12. Dare. As the Certified Olympian told me, maybe I should ask someone out as one of the things to do. I've never really done this before and I think it would be nice to dare to do something so romantically inclined. 
13. Score It’s been a long time since I played any sports and I think I've forgotten the feeling to actually be the reason for a score. I used to play a lot of volleyball, softball, bowling, futsal and even a little basketball. I should definitely get out more. 
14. Visit. It’s also been a long time since I visited my grandfather and my uncle’s crypt. I used to visit them every time I was nearby. Somewhere along the way, I thought it was fruitless. They’re gone and what’s the point? Well, I think it would be nice to change this perspective and visit them, even just to pay my respects.
15. Talk. With my upcoming plans, I’m definitely will be able to do this. The challenge is ensuring that this whole public speaking commitment will all go well. Wish me luck!
16. Try. I've been dying to try something different lately. Unlike change which involves a long period of time, try is something once. It could be a new restaurant or experience I've always wanted to check out. 
17. Trust. A few years back, someone shared me this activity that involves telling your secret to a random stranger/classmate. Although, I’m not fond of telling something so personal to a complete stranger, I think I would like to learn to trust someone by telling them something deeper about me.
18. Play. So when was the last time I actually let loose and had a great time? I want to play like a kid once again.
19. Dance.  I've never been a dancer. I always had two left feet. But since I’m turning 21, I have nothing to lose!
20. Smile. Do you believe that a smile can make anything better? I do! So maybe I’ll smile at someone, even a random stranger, and then let’s see… maybe I’ll make his or her day better.
21. Love. So we have Eat and Pray. Of course there has to be love. Hopefully, on my last day of this experience, I’ll be able to finally accept that what matters most in this world is to learn how to love myself.

Wish me luck! I officially start this journey tomorrow and I hope you guys will be part of it too!

-Someone Anxious.

Fear, you get harder to control by the minute.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lx90z1me6v1r0frkbo1_500.jpg

No one really knows this, but I fear ringing telephones. It all started about five years back when I answered the telephone at home and the caller started screaming for God knows what reason. This happened on several  occasions and ever since then, every time I hear a telephone ring, I tend to freeze for a moment (I guess barely noticeable to some). 

Life has a funny way of helping you face your fears. Just so it happened, my first job revolves around telephones and now I realize that maybe, some fears are easier to get over when you are constantly surrounded by it. The thing is, despite getting over one fear, I think you tend to develop another. 

What's your fear?

Someone Anxious

If I win the lottery...

We've had these conversation a million times before and I absolutely love thinking about this on my way home from work when the traffic is killing me deep inside and I wonder what music people are who have their own cars are listening to.

So what would happen if I win the lottery? Here's a little fanfiction starring yours truly (because I'm a little bit of an attention whore). Beware: Highly Materialistic Post

Heart.

Do you ever get that feeling that you know someone likes you? I rarely get to feel that simply because 1.) I’m often oblivious with what’s going on around me and 2.) I just don’t know the signs. Yes. Someone Anxious is also Obviously Oblivious.

The Certified Olympian once told me that people often don’t see it when people like “like” them. People are often more perceptive when it comes to other people liking their friends… In my head, I guess people are gossips that way. But I also think that people are always more concerned about others than themselves. In a way, everyone has the inclination to be a silent hero.

But despite years of not knowing the signs and playing the silent hero type; last Valentine’s Day (cheesy huh?) I realized that someone actually liked me. Someone actually like “like” me. I felt it when an old acquaintance had a one minute conversation with me and I just knew that he did. That this boy (who by the way I’m so not close to) liked me in my super short black dress, smelly blue flats, half-pony tailed hair and contact lenses. That this boy who stuttered and tried to find the words to compliment me but couldn’t, actually liked me and my extra baggage despite seeing me when I was 10 lbs. less.

So to my uncle who constantly reminds me that I will never find anyone who will be interested in me while I’m 153 lbs. and to my father who would be tease me constantly (at times that would just make me depressed) about losing weight…

…Fuck off.

I’m beautiful to someone and to my heavy, heaving but emotionally healthy heart, that’s all that matters.

 ♥ 

To all the women out there who feels the same about theirs,

Cheers!

Someone Anxious

Cleaning.

It started with deleting one blog... then I ended up deleting everything else. Yup. This and my photo blog are now my only official blogs. Honestly, I'm thinking about deleting diskcover also. I just don't feel like writing there the same way I write here. Plus, someone can trace S.A. to my profile in diskcover and I'm just paranoid that way.

To cleaning out my blogger closet...

...Cheers!

S. Anxious.

Because we're only fed on the weekends...

Apparently, we end up eating everything on Saturdays.

Had another adventure with Holly, Janey and Jackie last Saturday. After watching rugby with Jane (we drank a whole bottle of wine and I made make shift pizza and pasta which we completely devoured), we picked up Jackie at Mt. Mcdo and headed to Holly's place. From there, we all decided to go cliff searching and ended up in one of the most beautiful places on earth: New Valley (get it, guys?)

What can I say? We ate in one of my favorite restaurants and I had a pound of wings (Holly only ate like 2 pieces or something so I got the most of the order still) together with an order of mac and cheese and some good ol' cheesecake ice cream. Amazing!

courtesy of winawonders.blogspot.com

So here's a list of what I ate for that Saturday:

• Potato Salad (Lunch with Dad)
• Cordon Bleu (sp?) w/ Rice  (Thanks, Dad!)
• Make shift pizza (left over cordon bleu, tomatoes and cheese)
• Make shift lasagna (tortilla bread, corned beef tomato sauce and cheese)
• Tortilla Bread
• 1 Pound Chicken Wings
• Mac and Cheese
• Cheesecake Ice Cream
• Chocolate Chip Ice Cream (at Holly's house)

Then everything I drank:

• Water
• Iced Tea (for Lunch with Dad)
• Half a Bottle of Sangria Wine (during Rugby with Janey)
• Orange Juice (Mcdo with Janey)
• Water
• More Iced Tea (I was really thirsty)
• Rootbeer
• California Red (More Wine at Holly's)
• More Sangria (absolutely love Sangria!)

The next day, after doing the usual family traditions, I met up with Janey, Holly and Jackie again. We finally saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo while eating popcorn, fries (c/o Jackie) and Rootbeer (I love Rootbeer).  

BTW. To that ass in the movie house, I really hope you have a bad day today. Like, get arrested or something.

Going back... Yup! We're only fed during the weekends!

Eating, 

Someone Anxious.

Brightside Two.

SO WHAT IF HE CANCELLED LAST MINUTE?

source: http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumblarge_206/1194961888oBM871.jpg

AT LEAST I'LL BE HOME HAVING 

A GREAT DINNER WHILE SIPPING SOME WINE.

He did txt and it was a legitimate excuse. But I really hate it when people cancel last minute. Give at least a day or so. Even the night before would be fine. I just really hate it when people cancel because no matter how late I am, I still make the effort to go.

So to you, my friend... I'm not mad. I don't even hate you more. I just want to say that it's alright because I'll be having a blast at home. Instead of buying dinner out, I'll buy a good bottle of wine and cook my favorite pasta.

-Someone Anxious

Brightside One.

Inspired by winawonders.blogspot.com, I've decided to take on the challenge myself. :)

I MAY HAVE LOST A WHOLE LOT

BUT I STILL HAVE A GOOD FEW

source: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lz5x5p7gUZ1qzsxivo1_500.jpg

I would often bitch about loosing a whole lot but at the end of the day, I know I have a few good things to be grateful for, especially having friends as understanding as Holly, as thoughtful as Janey and as humble as Jackie. In fact, loosing a whole lot of material crap made me more appreciative of the people around me, especially my best friends.

To the crazy girls that make my life worthwhile...

...Cheers!

Someone Anxious

21 Before 21. (Someone's Birthday Month is Coming Up!)

Yes! My birthday month is coming up and I am excited. This would be the year I am finally turning (drum roll please), 21! Yup! I'll be legal anywhere and everywhere so I decided to make things extra special.

I have a personal side project called:  21 days before 21. Inspired by the 30 before 30 project, I decided to do one good deed or go to one good adventure everyday, 21 days before my birthday. It could be things I could do alone or things you can do with me. It doesn't really matter. Just 21 new experiences or good acts that will make my "You are finally legal everywhere!" day more special.

Rules are simple. Starting Feb. 22, I'll do one simple thing I can accomplish for the day. No long term projects or overnight things. Just one simple act of something that can make that day extra special.

So far, here are some of the things I'm thinking of doing:

1. Shop. Buy new shoes, tops and books! I'm pretty sure my uncle will be able to help me with this simply because we do it every week.
2. Give. It could be a couple of bucks to a stranger in need or my dinner take away. It doesn't matter as long as I'm able to offer material help to someone in need.
3. Write. I have this nice project idea about writing down these thoughts of what I wish could have been. I even tried making a whole blog about it but I can't seem to write it online. I sort of want to get it started for the day. 
4. Change. It would be nice to change a couple of things in my life. It doesn't have to life altering but something that could allow me to lift myself out of my usual daily slump.
5. Clean. Alright. Also finally time to clean out that space I call a closet.

source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/ed/Happy_Birthday!.jpg/300px-Happy_Birthday!.jpg

So far, I have five and I need 16 more to go before I Feb. 22 (as that day will be the start of my 21 days). If you guys have any suggestions, feel free to comment and tell me about it.

Always,

Someone Anxious

Craving for the weekend.

Don't you just love the weekend? One of my favorite hobbies during the weekdays would be making plans for the weekend. In fact, I find making plans to be a relaxing chore because it tells me I have somewhere to go and someone expecting me. Besides, staying at home, watching T.V. is just plain depressing for me.

How about you guys?

Someone Anxious.

Blues, it's been a long time.

I am currently sitting in a cafe where a little girl (about 4 or 5 years old) just approached me and asked me if I paid already. Funny how young they start the kids these days. I am also currently listening to Albert Hammond, Jr. It's been a long time since I listened to In Transit and I'm amazed how the brain can bring back memories of countless hours in the university library.

Time to be frank because I realized that the emotional posts could mean a hundred different things to a hundred different people. I've been thinking of living a life of writing and photography lately. I've been thinking of maybe even going back and getting that master's degree I so badly wanted to pursue after college. In fact, I'm thinking of taking that prestigious offer and try for that oh so far away university. It's just so hard because I'm also thinking of not changing.

Janey, I think we sort of feel the same. Like we want so many things all at the same time and because we there's just so fucking many options, it gets harder to choose. Along the way, we loose the passion for what we really always wanted to do whether it may be music, arts, education or corporate. We lost it somewhere along the way and it's hard ever trying to get it back. Guess what? I think this is what many would call a quarter life crisis and you know what? It sucks.

The thing is, I'm not down because of that. I've been feeling so blue lately because a million other forces (one which is in another side of the world) are pulling me toward a million other paths and it gets tiring being reminded everyday. It gets tiring being reminded that you sort of want it too. It gets tiring being reminded that you may want it more than what you always wanted about now. I'm tired feeling like I am entitled to do it. I hate it. Blood really is thicker than water.

Oh, what to do? What to do?

I hate not knowing what to do.

Someone Anxious.

You cry at night…

…because there are things you would rather do and someone who you would rather be with.

You've cried before and of that I’m certain. You’ve thought about what everybody else expects of you and your personal goals. In fact, you’ve cried because you had your heart broken and your dreams shattered. You’ve cried because you can no longer hold it in and at times, you just feel like there’s nothing else to do but let it out.

Tears weren’t really your preferred way of letting it all out. It would have been better if you vomited like the million times you used to do so before but hush - no one really knows about that now. It would have been better if you were out living the night and forgetting the thoughts with the bitter taste of that liquid you’ve fallen in love with. But you’re not. You’re here at your supposed home thinking about the room you used to have, the friends you used to know and the life you used to live.

And you start to cry.

Not because you didn’t have a great time with the friends you still have and just met up with. Not because you miss your privacy and the house that had a blue tiled garden where you had your fist cigarette. You cry because you realize that there are a million other things you’ve always wanted to do and a million other moments that you missed. You cry because it could have been perfect and you could have said the right things at the right time with the right person. You cry because you are reminded that you are alone and maybe life is just that… lonely.

You are a young and lonely one.

I am a young and lonely one.

I am not lonely with the thoughts of him or them. I am not lonely because I long for him and the many others before him. I’m lonely because I fell in love with the idea of something else. Something that I know I will never have unless I take a leap of faith. It’s just that leaps of faith are just so fucking hard. Leaps of faith are at times, impossible to do.

I am provided with moments of bliss. But there are just that – mere moments that don’t last forever. I am reminded of life, love and hope but they are just but a reminder of things, I feel, I will never have. I capture moments that are not mine because I am jealous of their owner’s. I constantly ask Holly if I should jump, Janey if I should swim, and Jackie if I’ll survive.

I am a coward because I never jump. I stick to my comfort zone because that is the only thing I know how to do. I am, as the wide world tells me, a closet mystic. I think of jumping to no longer be one.

I’ve gone through hell and back several times and I know I don’t deserve this box in which I am in. I never did but still, here I am and there’s nothing for me to do. I am waiting though. I am waiting for someone to remind me of the things I’ve always wanted to do, the places I’ve always wanted to see. I am waiting to remind myself why I am not just young and lonely but also lovely. I am waiting to remind myself that youth is but only once and I write to be one. I am waiting to remind myself that capturing someone else’s moments is not stealing but rather, sharing. I am waiting to remind myself that I am happy to be

Someone Anxious.

Things that remind you of...

...what you used to want.

It's been a long time since I was able to think things through. I guess I think way too seriously at times and even the Certified Olympian told me that I seem to be subdued lately. Truth is, I've simply been thinking about things and once I'm through, life continues to give me something to think about.

source: http://www.myfountainonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/cap-and-gown.jpg

There was a time when I was so sure of what I wanted. Then life happened and I realize that I'm better off somewhere else doing some other thing. I deluded myself into thinking that life is so much better this way. So it happens and I did what was expected of me.

Ever feel the same? 

Ever felt that life all of a sudden reminds you of the things you thought you're over and you think: Maybe I want to still. I'm pretty sure I can be good at it. 

That's what I've been thinking these past few days. 

Getting that call today about something I always wanted to do but never thought I would be doing reminded me of what I wanted to pursue so much before he happened. I'm thrilled and I want to do it more than anything (because it will give me a chance to do things for myself and my credibility) but at the same time I'm scared because doing things that you once wanted to pursue so badly is like a drug that can either heal you or break you.

I hope it won't break me.

Still pensive,

Someone Anxious.