…because there are things you would rather do and someone who you would rather be with.
You've cried before and of that I’m certain. You’ve thought about what everybody else expects of you and your personal goals. In fact, you’ve cried because you had your heart broken and your dreams shattered. You’ve cried because you can no longer hold it in and at times, you just feel like there’s nothing else to do but let it out.
Tears weren’t really your preferred way of letting it all out. It would have been better if you vomited like the million times you used to do so before but hush - no one really knows about that now. It would have been better if you were out living the night and forgetting the thoughts with the bitter taste of that liquid you’ve fallen in love with. But you’re not. You’re here at your supposed home thinking about the room you used to have, the friends you used to know and the life you used to live.
And you start to cry.
Not because you didn’t have a great time with the friends you still have and just met up with. Not because you miss your privacy and the house that had a blue tiled garden where you had your fist cigarette. You cry because you realize that there are a million other things you’ve always wanted to do and a million other moments that you missed. You cry because it could have been perfect and you could have said the right things at the right time with the right person. You cry because you are reminded that you are alone and maybe life is just that… lonely.
You are a young and lonely one.
I am a young and lonely one.
I am not lonely with the thoughts of him or them. I am not lonely because I long for him and the many others before him. I’m lonely because I fell in love with the idea of something else. Something that I know I will never have unless I take a leap of faith. It’s just that leaps of faith are just so fucking hard. Leaps of faith are at times, impossible to do.
I am provided with moments of bliss. But there are just that – mere moments that don’t last forever. I am reminded of life, love and hope but they are just but a reminder of things, I feel, I will never have. I capture moments that are not mine because I am jealous of their owner’s. I constantly ask Holly if I should jump, Janey if I should swim, and Jackie if I’ll survive.
I am a coward because I never jump. I stick to my comfort zone because that is the only thing I know how to do. I am, as the wide world tells me, a closet mystic. I think of jumping to no longer be one.
I’ve gone through hell and back several times and I know I don’t deserve this box in which I am in. I never did but still, here I am and there’s nothing for me to do. I am waiting though. I am waiting for someone to remind me of the things I’ve always wanted to do, the places I’ve always wanted to see. I am waiting to remind myself why I am not just young and lonely but also lovely. I am waiting to remind myself that youth is but only once and I write to be one. I am waiting to remind myself that capturing someone else’s moments is not stealing but rather, sharing. I am waiting to remind myself that I am happy to be
Someone Anxious.
