Sick to My Stomach

I know I deserve it. I deserve this for longing you still. Is it really my fault? 

Someone Anxious.

Hurt in more ways than one.

Lately, I 've been feeling that my existence revolves around hurting people who cares for me and being hurt by people who I care for deeply. Somehow, I feel as if I can't do anything right. By being me, I end up hurting others and by not being me I end up hurting myself.

I'm sorry that you fell in love with me. I'm sorry that I am me and who I am is not what you need. I'm sorry that I do care but by doing so, I hurt you in more ways than one.

I forgive you though there is nothing to forgive. I still care by the way. I still think of you everyday although I no longer hope. I know what I was and I know what it was. It was nothing. I was nothing and since everything I thought that was something turned out to be truly nothing, there is nothing to forgive... no one to forgive but myself.

I know you still love her and she will always be the one. It hurts me to think that I can never ever be with you the way I wish. I am over him. Now, I'm hung up on you. Story of my life.

Rejection.
Hurt.
In more ways than one,

Someone Anxious.

It's not about you...

I'm not going to talk about this out loud so I'm just going to type it all here.


So I've been into someone else totally the opposite of him... He's young and in my head, I call him the kid. To cut a long story short, I realized that sleeping with this new guy (or anyone at this point) is something I really don't wish to handle right now.

And it's not because of him.

It's because of me.

I am at that point where I wish for something more than a casual night. I'm longing for something more stable and serious. I'm looking for something more stable and steady. Someone who can be there and will be there during my rainy days. In short, I'm looking for something long term.

Now, tell me, is that so wrong?

I honestly don't think so. What's wrong is me and how I can't come to terms with this whole thing. My facade is slowly breaking. For the longest time I've been telling people that I don't think relationships need love and that romance is overrated. This blog is, supposedly, my escape to this is other side of me that wants the whole ride.

The kid could have been perfect though except he did proclaim that there is that possibility that there won't be a long term thing. There is that possibility that it will only be that night and it came to me. I'm no longer interested with 50/50s. I want the whole 100 and even if I know it's selfish... I don't care. I feel like it's my turn. I don't want to risk what's left with me knowing that I will fall in love with him even if I know that there will be nothing tangible in the end.

So, when you feel like finally making that leap to the serious road...

...come back to me, kid.

Someone Anxious.

The one?

I've been hanging a lot with this good girl friend of mine and a few weeks ago we were bonding over how both of us are sort of still in love with some guy who sort of broke our hearts. Yeah. Story of your life? I'm thinking about it now and I know a lot of people who feel the same or has the same plot line as ours.

My friend and I were talking about how there are other people out there who would actually want to be with us but for some unknown reason, we still care for someone else, that someone who broke our hearts and left us to bleed in the sidewalk. The funny thing is, we seem to think that these cruel heartless men are the only ones who we could actually imagine ourselves to be with. Even if we imagine ourselves to be with other people, it would be because they would have saved us from loving these heartless men of ours.

I guess this is a whole new concept of "The One" where that person is the one who influences are lives so... not necessarily somebody we end up with or be in a relationship with but, someone who became such a moving factor in our lives.

So for now...

...he is still the one for yours truly,
Someone Anxious.

Another Wasted Outfit

As my day comes to an end, I realize that I have wasted another beautiful outfit.

Every morning, I wake up a little earlier than usual with thoughts of you in my head. I know, from the edge of my soul, that your name unconsciously slips off my lips as I struggle to open my eyes and embrace a day knowing that you don't even think of me. So, everyday I wake up a little earlier than usual to choose the perfect outfit that would make you think of me once again. Everyday I wake up a little earlier to take a comforting shower wishing I was using your bath scents instead. Then, I would choose what I think is the perfect outfit and at the back of my mind I know that I'm doing so simply because I'm still hoping of bumping into you.

So, everyday I wake up a little earlier than usual and as I put on a supposedly perfect outfit I think of you and if you'd like it. I think of how do you like my hair, tied up or loose in all its glory. I think of you possibly thinking of me... possibly wanting more with me.

I walk towards my destination, carelessly pretending that you are walking beside me, talking to me and treating me as your equal. Of course, I know you're not really there and I know that you never would treat me as such but I find the idea comforting so I indulge myself despite what seems to be insanity for my part. Then, a cup of coffee and a few cigarettes later I realize that waiting for you on this bench is fruitless and I go on with my day hoping to see at least a glimpse of you.

I tell everybody I'm fine and that I'm okay with it. Taking the high road supposedly is my new motto right now and people believe me because I have the most deceptive smile - years of theater classes paying off admirably. Only a few people notice the extra attention I give to myself. Close friends don't even notice it. Still, I'm the only one who knows why I really do this... why I really torture myself and wake up a little earlier than usual.

I do it because I hope that one day I bump into you and I'm wearing a beautiful outfit that would make you think of me once again.

Today, I woke up a little earlier than usual.

Today, another perfect outfit was wasted.

Not sure if I'm still looking forward for tomorrow,

Someone Anxious.

nos·tal·gia

 (noun)  \nä-ˈstal-jə, nə- also nȯ-, nō-; nə-ˈstäl-\

: a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition; also :something that evokes nostalgia (According to Mr. Webster online).

I used to associate every man I ever met to a song. My best friend and I would spend hours going through the "men of our lives" and the songs we would dedicate to them. Now, every time I hear a song from my youth I remember a boy who is now a man or a boy whom I thought was a man or another man who was really more of a boy. Then I realize, I will never ever have them back simply because I don't live in a fairytale anymore. The princess grew up and realized that her castle was merely a five floor walk up and her ball gowns were really hand me down dresses. I'm nostalgic for that feeling of blissful ignorance. I'm longing for the days were I used to innocently dream for my prince who would show me that the world was cruel but everything would be alright because he was there and I was with him. 


I realized that I grew up the moment I became aware that life is painful, love is deceptive and we do nothing but succumb. I'm nostalgic for the days where I thought the opposite. I'm nostalgic for the thoughts that life is beautiful, love is true and we have control over our selves. I'm nostalgic for the possibility of him and me and the world around me. 


Yes, I'm nostalgic for you, whoever you are. Yes, I'm nostalgic for you, once the love of my life who could have been my best friend and yes, I am nostalgic for you too, my lover who broke my heart in two. 


I still love you, I still love all of you.


someone anxious.

It isn't over

Listening to Adele's Someone Like You and I super love this line:

"I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over"

This is exactly how I feel when it comes to him. I'm still hoping and despite the fact that there are others in line who would be willing to give me their liver if I asked them to at the end of the day... it's still him I want to be with.

Funny how "love" (and I use that term in the loosest sense) makes you forget the pain, embarrassment and heartaches this person caused you. Funny how you never thought you'd be one of those girls who are crazy for love. Then you meet this one person who you thought would be different and you end up in the streets crying/puking your heart out simply because you realized he didn't care to begin with. 

A few days ago, I met up with an old flame and it became his tipping point. Finally, he has decided to move on and I realized that will it be like that too? Will I have to endure years of loving someone who isn't there before I get over it?

Don't fret. I'm not planning to. Unlike this old flame of mine, I am okay with exploring a little more. I don't take my friends for granted and I follow their advice. Furthermore, I believe that there will be someone for me. It may be this person who I can't get over with or it could be someone I've never met yet. I have the ability to let the world around me take control and lead me to what I 'need' the most. 

There's also being single.

I honestly don't mind. 

Or do I?

Someone Anxious.