Christmas Traditions and New Year's Resolutions...

I'm glad that there are a couple of things that I can still hold on to despite everything. Dinner at my dad's place was never better. I realized that I am an able cook and a simple potato salad could go a long way. I was reading posts earlier and I'm feeling a lot of positive energy (even if the kids here in the internet shop keep cursing). I think it's time to really move on and live. For the past years, everything's been too serious and despite trying to keep it light, some shadows still creep up at night which makes me sink into that hole.

Enough of these thoughts.

2012 will be different.

I was reading  Janey and the Certified Olympian's posts about their resolutions and promises. I love the way they are so positive about things and for the upcoming year. I can't help but feel inspired. I promised myself that for 2012, I'll be going to a lot of different places, taking different trips (both with friends and alone).

I'm also launching diskcover - the lomography extension of my photo project, zramphotography. I'll be posting my "training" photos this January on diskcover and I'll be going on a trip next week to try to practice more. I'm not really into joining clubs and meeting people for walks to take photos. I prefer doing things on my own, actually. Photography is something so personal to me and that's why I feel like capturing moments alone.

I'll be saving up more too... I promised myself that for the first six months after graduation, I'll be living life to the brink fullest. I feel like I was too young to actually take things seriously. This month marks the end of my hedonistic lifestyle. It's time to take things a little bit more seriously and saving up is one of them.

There are so many things I can't wait for this 2012. I'm so blessed to have met so many people this year that I know will be there for me next year. I'm also grateful that I was able to continue building relationships with close friends and family. I hope that 2012, with all it's adventures to come, would also help me continue building relationships that matter.

Waiting for the fireworks,
Someone Anxious.

I'm starting to hear the bells...

Last year's Christmas wasn't really the best for me. After loosing my childhood home, moving to the city, getting my heart crushed and almost failing our group's thesis, I thought I was never going to live to see how 2011's Christmas would be like. Thankfully, I'm here and I'm still breathing, ready to feel the holidays!

I'm not the holiest of people. I'm not pious nor am I that spiritual. Still, my Christmas theme seems to be helping me appreciate the season more. I'm happy to think about how grateful I am because even if I lost my childhood home, I got to meet and understand my Dad. Even if I moved to the city (and away from my beloved South), I got to explore "life"  a little bit more. Even if I got my heart crushed, I got my mind set on just living without thinking of someone else and even if I almost failed our group's thesis, I still passed. As I wrote in my previous post, I am grateful for so many things in my life right now. I am very grateful.

Yesterday, Holly introduced me to this show called "Awkward." and I absolutely love it. I honestly can't wait for Season 2 (as we watched the whole season in a day). It's all about Jenna, the invisible girl in high school, who gives her V-card to Matty, the jock, in their last day of summer camp. When they get back to school, she's still invisible and Matty's still the jock and a million other things happen that puts her in the most awkward situations possible (the cheerleading mean girls, the kiss between her and Matt's best friend, the winter formal, etc...) while hoping that maybe Matty will go public with her the next day.

The show is super easy to watch and unlike teen shows these days, it's a little bit more realistic (although sarcastic at times). It's not about the rich kids living the upper east side life or the girl who fell in love with a vampire. It's about a girl, the most popular unpopular one, trying to survive high school while trying to figure out the difference between choosing her head or her heart.

Grateful for Awkward.

Someone Anxious.

Passion as Intense as the Sun.

"I am more afraid of losing consciousness 
when I go to sleep, or that in my sleep 
I will grow old and forget how desire 
once drove me mad with wakefulness."

- Subterranean by Eric Gamalinda

Holly tagged me to a nice poem and I can't help but to relate to it. Lately, I've been loosing the desire to pursue what I really want. I would often compare the feeling to what Karl Marx described in the Communist Manifesto (or at least what I understood from the reading) - that feeling of compromising what you really want to do for the sake of money to survive society. Yes. I would often tell Sasha (a close friend of Holly and my coursemate in college) in Filipino: "Kina-Karl Marx na ako." every time she would ask me how I felt about joining society's work force.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my work. I truly enjoy what I'm doing and the people I get to meet everyday. The thing is, there was a time when I truly envisioned something else for me. What happened to traveling the world? Living a photographer's life? Performing for the big screen? Being a rockstar? What happened to all of that? Did I loose passion? Am I settling for convenience?

Sometimes I think it's because of 'All the Evil' (Holly, Janey and Jackie - you guys know what this is all about) but I'm pretty sure that even with all of that, I could still do a couple of things. For example, I publicly vow that if I achieve my target weight, I'm going to see if I can still perform. Will focus on trying to enroll myself to an adult acting class. I'm also going to make time so that I go somewhere new every month so that I can practice street photography.

The last thing I want is to have an Eat, Pray, Love Moment when I'm 40. I don't want to find myself one day, crying on the bathroom floor thinking about everything I could have been. Even though I admire the author for her courage and her strength, my dream is I can look back and say that I have no regrets.

I'm having the Eat, Pray, Love Moment now and there's no turning back.

-Someone Anxious

Gym?

 
Last night, I decided to finally join a gym. They had a great promo and I was excited to actually feel healthy again. I was planning to work out this morning before I start work and have another go after office hours.

After waking up early, getting everything packed and almost fighting off a lady at the station, I arrived at the gym a little after seven. People were already working out and I quickly dropped my bag in the locker room. I was told that a trainer will be able to assist me on my first try and when I got there, it seems like everyone was doing something else. There was only one trainer who was busy with someone lifting weights. He told me that the female trainer was running a little late but she'll arrive in a couple of minutes. After waiting for 15 minutes, I finally decided to just let it go and go to work. I changed to my work clothes and hauled my stuff outside the place.

On my way out, I saw the female trainer (I knew it was her because she was wearing the gym's shirt). She was in a hurry and I introduced myself. I did tell her that I waited but I had to go since work was starting soon. She apologized and I just said that I'll see her tomorrow morning.

I'm still going to go tonight (which was supposed to be my second session but now it seems like it would be my first) and tomorrow morning and the days after that. I'm not changing anything. Will still workout twice a day. I'm still hyped (though a bit disappointed) and I'm still pushing through with the whole work out to feel better thing.

Hopefully, my gym experience tonight will feel better.


Someone Anxious.

Opportunities.

Again, I find myself in a crossroad.

I was talking to my uncle about an opportunity that presented itself recently and he seems to think that I should give it a go. There's a lot of perks to it but just doing it goes against everything I've done so far...

Still, as long as there's nothing laid on the table, I have nothing to think about.

-S.A.

Just so you know...

...I really hate it when that happens.

I'm merely a follower.

-S.A.

Looking back on old love... or lack thereof.

I've been thinking about him and how I feel like I missed my chance. I remember the day that I met him. It was one of the most random meetings and I was too busy thinking about everything that happened that day to even speak properly. John Mayer's Love Song for No One nailed it right and now I think I could have missed my chance and watched him walk away.

December!

It's December again and it's getting colder outside. I really can't wait for Christmas and spending time with my family and friends. So far, I have a couple of parties to go to (one being a friends' Christmas party and the other a Birthday party) and I have a set schedule for my Christmas shopping.

What else do I love about Christmas? Well, it never is Christmas without watching Love Actually. I make it a point (no matter where I'm spending the Holidays) to watch this film. Absolutely love all the stories in the movie, especially the one with Colin Firth representing love as a language. Who wouldn't fall in love with a man who learns your native tongue and proposes on Christmas Eve? Of course, there's Alan Rickman (playing the two timing fool in the movie) slow dancing with his sexy secretary.

I'm also making it a point that I'll have to full Christmas experience this year. I'll admit that last year's wasn't really that great. After just moving from my childhood home (leaving everything behind) to the middle of nowhere and almost spending Christmas Eve in a boarding house, I was an emotional wreck. So much negative situations in my life made me feel like the Yuletide season wasn't worth celebrating. This year, I am able to pull myself together and I think it would be nice to celebrate so I am able to give thanks for the many blessings I've received so far. Besides, I got through the year in one piece so it does seem prudent to celebrate, right? I'd also like to make the habit of having a personal theme every year to sort of remind me not to be selfish and guide me towards properly celebrating.

My personal theme for this Christmas would be gratefulness. As I said, I am grateful for so many things including the following:

1. Finishing with flying colors (Yes, was able to finish college on time and with honors).
2. Getting work I like (This includes the many experiences and people that come with it).
3. Acquiring some sense of serenity and peace (I am eternally grateful for my father who was able to give me a semblance of this).
4. Realizing and accepting the truth about things.
5. Getting some sort of security from those around me.

What's your personal Christmas theme?



-Someone Anxious.

Another Open Letter

 

Dearest, friend.

Are we even that? Honestly, I thought we weren't. I thought we were mere acquaintances and the fact that you tried to get to know me made you my friend. But since I'm being honest, you are not a friend. Friends go deeper and get along better. They can tell each other anything without having to lie. Just because you do this or allow you to do that doesn't make us friends. Thus, I am still able to say things without feeling a bit guilty. I am still able to comment on this or that without feeling sorry that it might hurt you. Forgive me if it does but since I feel I am rightly justified, I will continue to do so because that's me the same way that being you annoys the hell out of me. 

You might think that it's alright. You might even think that it's okay to be so inconsiderate. It might have been the people you grew up with or the people who passed by your life years back... but just so you know, I am not one of them. I am of the present and it would really help if you would be a little bit more sensitive to others. Your actions, at times - I give you that - make it impossible for me not to say things behind your back. I am truly sorry for this and it really isn't like me but at times I couldn't really help it. 

If only you knew how you make other people cringe. I really thought by now you could have gotten the message but it seems like you really are that insensitive. Like that time you were talking about a place no one knew about a time we never shared? You really shouldn't because people don't really care. Fun facts are okay at times but honestly, fun facts about yourself doesn't really work. Give people time to speak and don't take the floor. Living means we are in the business of people and making relationships. Don't make it harder for everyone. 

At times, I don't even really know if what you say is true and the pity party doesn't really go well with you. You say you just want to be yourself and that if there's anything that bothers us, we should just tell... well, we can't because you'll throw another pity party and I don't think we'll be able to stand another one.

Dearest friend, everything is not what it seems and I know you know. Please be conscious about it before everybody rips their heads off out of annoyance.

Maybe this will make a dent,
Someone Anxious.

Another Shout Out Post.

I hate it when you do that.

~

You are never a victim... we are never out to get you. You are just so annoying at times. Will you ever be considerate about other people?

Maybe not.

Thinking about it, I do want to slow dance with someone. But the fact that the Yule Ball is so expensive and I won't be able to find a romantic date on time makes me think that maybe the whole thing is not a good idea. One of the things I've learned during Hermit Mode is that you never really get what you want and that's a good thing because it continues to teach us the lesson of humility. If things never went bad, I would be an airhead and I would have never learned who my true friends are. I would have still worshiped her and would have never given a single thought about him. Now, I know better.

I think I'll be spending Saturday shopping for Christmas gifts. This year, I'll be doing it alone simply because I want it to be a more personal experience. Hopefully, I'll be able to pick the perfect gift for everyone. :)

From: http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvpu06Obuc1r7f0b0o1_500.jpg

It's getting colder outside,

Someone Anxious

A Pat on the Back (Getting over hermit mode).

Okay, so I got through the whole hermit mode month and now it's time to live it up high again and experience life to the fullest again. Thinking about it now, I realized that it wasn't much of a hermit mode. I was able to do a lot of things and experience a lot of firsts... First time to go to Cebu, first work related trip, first time to see this, fist time to that... I think, overall, my November wasn't bad at all and I feel, honestly, blessed that I had a great month.

Every time I think about doing things, I always remember this interview with Carrie Fisher where she was explaining how she does things and that's to death or not at all. I think I'm ready to live life vigorously again and today was a great way to start. Met up with Holly after her "date" with Bob and we were able to talk and catch up. It was a bit hard for me to really focus though because I was hit with a bad case of the blues.

Holly tried cheering me up by reminding me that the Yule Ball (yes, her friends are actually organizing a Yule Ball and she told me to come along) was coming up and I realized that I didn't even have a date to the event... well, I wasn't even sure of going (simply because he will be there) and the last thing I want to be on a Saturday night would be a wallflower. Thus, I am off on a quest to find a date in five days.

A date. Never really thought I'd be thinking about that. For the past year or so, I've been leaning towards the anti-cuddle type with only bouts of cuddle phases during my period. This time around, I think the blues really hit me hard and with everyone having someone this Christmas, I can't help but feel more alone than ever.

So, operation Yule Ball is now a go and I'm to find a date in five days or else I will be going as a wallflower (or with my cousin who will only talk about my weight and not really how he hates my mother to death).  Yup! Let's get this on.

Pumped up,
Someone Anxious