"I am more afraid of losing consciousness
when I go to sleep, or that in my sleep
I will grow old and forget how desire
once drove me mad with wakefulness."
- Subterranean by Eric Gamalinda
Holly tagged me to a nice poem and I can't help but to relate to it. Lately, I've been loosing the desire to pursue what I really want. I would often compare the feeling to what Karl Marx described in the Communist Manifesto (or at least what I understood from the reading) - that feeling of compromising what you really want to do for the sake of money to survive society. Yes. I would often tell Sasha (a close friend of Holly and my coursemate in college) in Filipino: "Kina-Karl Marx na ako." every time she would ask me how I felt about joining society's work force.
Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my work. I truly enjoy what I'm doing and the people I get to meet everyday. The thing is, there was a time when I truly envisioned something else for me. What happened to traveling the world? Living a photographer's life? Performing for the big screen? Being a rockstar? What happened to all of that? Did I loose passion? Am I settling for convenience?
Sometimes I think it's because of 'All the Evil' (Holly, Janey and Jackie - you guys know what this is all about) but I'm pretty sure that even with all of that, I could still do a couple of things. For example, I publicly vow that if I achieve my target weight, I'm going to see if I can still perform. Will focus on trying to enroll myself to an adult acting class. I'm also going to make time so that I go somewhere new every month so that I can practice street photography.
The last thing I want is to have an Eat, Pray, Love Moment when I'm 40. I don't want to find myself one day, crying on the bathroom floor thinking about everything I could have been. Even though I admire the author for her courage and her strength, my dream is I can look back and say that I have no regrets.
I'm having the Eat, Pray, Love Moment now and there's no turning back.
-Someone Anxious
