Happy Halloween!

I got this from post secret (yes, I am addicted) and I share the same sentiments.

I admit, I tend to think that Halloween is that time of the year... that time of the year that I can be a little bit more daring with my clothing. Be a sexy this... be a sexy that... When I was younger, being red ranger (because the pink was out of stock) and being a pretty nerdy Dracula was enough.

S. Anxious.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

I honestly can't wait.

I sometimes wish I was Lisbeth Salander. It would be cool to have photographic memory, be as thin as a stick, get away with having multiple tattoos, meet the Evil Fingers and ride a smashing motorcycle. Then I come to realize that she gets raped, institutionalized, chased by psychopathic men and falls in love with a man who is in love with a married woman.

Of course, she wouldn't be who she is (as a character) without the bad things and that's what I like about the novels. You know she's innocent (to some degree) and you read because you want to know how she's placed in such situations. That's why I'm so addicted to it. I spend my mornings on my way to work reading Stieg Larsson's work simply because I can't help but wonder how she's going to pull through.

So far I'm in the middle of the The Girl who Played with Fire and I'm hoping to see how it's going to end. I'm pretty sure there's going to be another twist... another bang that will add to more sleepless nights. For the meantime, I'm happy reading the parts where there's a lot of explanations from different characters who you'd love to just shoot.

Thinking of buying a Kawasaki lightweight,
Someone Anxious.

Your name and mine. Inside a heart upon a wall. Still finds a way to haunt me .Though they're so small.

All of a sudden, I had this impulse to search for Vonda Shepard lyrics, specifically Walk Away Renee. The chorus just keeps going in my head and when I was reading the lyrics online, I couldn't help but think about people who I will forever be connected to.

Sometimes I wonder about our connections and how strong they could be. There are people in this world that I will always be connected to and I will be grateful for that. It is just sad because at times, there are people we would like to bury and forget (sometime bury and forgive) and the universe just won't let us. They constantly haunt us because some lines are much to strong to break. We talk to them despite wanting not to. We forgive them despite the pain they've caused.

I love you but what you've put me through makes me wonder if it is actually worth it. I am thankful for the years, the care and most of all the life I live but I'm not sure you realize that you've also given me painful years to come because of your actions.

I love you, you know, only sometimes it just doesn't show.

S.A.

Just when you thought you had magical powers...

...you realize that there's no such thing as intuition.

Holly, Janey and Jackie met me last night after my talk in the university. I was a bit worn out after such a long day and I was glad they were able to wait up for me. I was having a cigarette while they were talking about their day and then Holly said hi to someone who passed by. It was short, a quick greeting that took only three seconds of her life. Didn't know the guy, didn't really think of him and didn't really bother to ask her who it is.

That same guy jumped off a hotel early today.

Mr. Webster would define intuition as the power or faculty of attaining to direct knowledge or cognition without evident rational thought and inference. In my head, intuition is some sort of magical power... an ability that makes you part of the X-Men because you can feel what is about to happen. In some way, intuition makes you a very cool fortune teller.

Holly's friend jumping off a hotel building is a reality check. There's no such thing as intuition. There's no magical ability that can help you help someone just because you know that there's something wrong. When I flicked my cigarette to the ground, squishing it with my heels, while Holly greeted hi... I did not feel anything and she told me that she didn't either. 

It is sad because that despite wanting to feel that link between someone so we can help them, this reminds us that there is no link. To truly be connected to someone, he or she has to also connect with you. I think the real power we have is the choice to be open to someone... to anyone. Our great ability is the choice to allow (and at time to not allow) someone to connect with us. 

I also believe that these connections are the ones that save us, make us better and allow us to grow emotionally, mentally and socially.


Hoping that I'm connecting with all of you (even if only Jackie, Janey and Holly are the only one's reading this blog). I'm glad that I have friends that I deeply connected to. I often hope that they feel the same way. As I said... I believe that these connections are the ones that save us... save me.


Someone Anxious.

Confession.

I am a...

Sometimes I wonder if this is such a bad thing.

Someone Anxious

Because some dreams are not meant to be forgotten.

I think I just have to write about this because I honestly feel that I can't talk about it anymore. If you don't want to continue reading. Don't. Just move away from this post because I'm highly emotional right now.

I always and honestly thought that I was over that stage. I thought cuddles were the thing of the past and I was beginning the anti-cuddle stage. I really thought so. Then I realized I wasn't because I dreamed of everything I thought I no longer wanted. My brain's way of telling me that I'm not over it. Yeah. Sucks. Just had to remind me when I thought it was okay and I'm on the go. Stupid.

Have you seen that movie called Never Been Kissed? She says that she's been kissed but never really a full blown kiss. Never really that magical moment in life where you know that kissing was what you were supposed to be doing at that exact time. I'm not saying that I haven't. I have. Well, I'm pretty sure I have. What I've never really done before was this:

I think my brain is telling me that I'm craving for cuddles. Not necessarily from him. But from that one person in this world who would make me feel like he's supposed to hold my hand and I'm suppose to hold his.

Someone Anxious

When you get hurt...

...you try to "grow" by learning to be numb. Sometimes, you become cynical and at times, overly rational. You think by not feeling, by not acknowledging the emotions that overwhelm you, you grow stronger. I guess you should remember that when you hurt, true growth comes when you accept the pain and you brace yourself for more.

A little note to myself.

Someone Anxious.

Another Post Secret I can sort of relate to...

I admit. One of my guilty pleasures is reading post secret every Monday. Then, if I see a secret I can relate to, I would often get the picture, post it here and somehow write about it and how I'm feeling. This exercise helps me by reminding me that I'm not alone. Somewhere out there, someone feels the same way I do and he or she is brave enough to actually post his or her feelings online.

Today, I was browsing through the post secret blog and I saw this:

I don't really relate to it in its entirety. Especially the part where it says: I always have rough sex... But what got me was the line I just want you to fuck me like you love me. I can sort of relate to this because this was exactly how I felt when it came to him. Take note. Felt.


Post secret always make me feel a little bit better about myself.

-Someone Anxious.

Favorite Things VII

Alright. I think all of you (and yes, that's you Holly, Janey and Jackie) knows that I have one BIG crush on someone... He's a lot older than me and since I'm being honest, I don't think you guys approve of my delusional state every time I talk about him.

BUT, I just have to say that he is one gorgeous man and I don't care about the age difference. I think he's one of the most gifted people in this world and I love his wit. When you guys were busy looking at ZQ's interviews, I was busy watching his. I know he doesn't really count as a thing but he makes me happy and even though he's old enough to be my father, I don't really care. My crush is more of admiration and if ever I became an actress, I want to learn from him.

I just think he's one amazing person and thus, he's one of my favorite things in this world...

... Gotta love Alan Rickman

Drooling Dreaming,
Someone Anxious

Favorite Things V & VI

So that I can finally add it here in my list of favorite things... I think it is quite obvious that I am a sucker for photography. The plan was to seriously take up photography and though it is a very expensive hobby, I think so far, I'm doing well. I'm planning to get my first few rolls of film developed by December and finally buy the lenses that I want for my Holga TLR.

The thing is... there's something I like doing more than taking photos and I admit that I'm a gaga for making videos. I really love editing clips and making something out of them. I've been doing it since High School and even if only a few people know about it I would like to share some of the stuff I've made with you guys.

This short one is from my uncle's wedding:

Aaron and Cathie from zramvideos on Vimeo.

This is one was a request of my uncle for his friend's birthday:

Happy Birthday, Mel! from zramvideos on Vimeo.

Now you guys know. :)

Someone Anxious.

I envision my curves taking the mic.

Allow me to say:

I love the fact that even though I have flabs, my curves are predominantly present. Wearing a nice tight-fitting dress always make people notice that I am a woman... a beautiful woman in fact. The dream is to get enough money to buy more dresses that highlights my curves. Finally enrolling myself to a gym would be nice too.

I'll be speaking on behalf of my old college org next week and I can't help but wonder what people would think of me. I won't know everybody there and I certainly am not chummy chums with the Vice Dean or the Academic Assistant. I will still know quite a few people there... An old block mate and a close friend, younger kids who took up the same course, the guy who did his OJT here in my office and a lot of other peeps who think I'm living the consultancy dream.

 Holly and I talked about this last week and she told me to just be honest about the whole thing. They shouldn't be expecting rainbows and butterflies, especially when I know for certain that it won't be even near to that. So far, I've drafted my supposedly speech (I'm not even sure if I'm actually giving a speech of sorts but I prepared it just in case) and I think I've gone as honest as I can without hurting anyone. I'm not killing the "dream" but I'm not exaggerating with myself. I wrote down why I honestly choose the course (Yes, Holly. Aside from the fact that you told me it will help me enter the university, it was the long name of the degree program that sealed the deal). I also wrote down how one should be open to change. The degree is really flexible and you can, if you want to, find yourself in other career paths that you never really thought possible. 


I think you guys will hate me for writing this (that's you Holly, Janey and Jackie) but I do confess that one of the reasons why I want to look good, sound good and feel good for myself that day is because I want to see him and him see me. I want to sort of prove my self even though there is really nothing to prove. I think about nights passed by and I wonder if they really even did happen. To be honest, I do want it to happen again.


Still, I've grown a little and I won't be calling. I won't go through that again even if I do want it to happen. I think I've been burned enough to know that the fire is hot and it is not to be played with. I think I've come to accept that I fell in love with an idea and not the person itself (I will never really admit it outright though).


Moving on,
Someone Anxious

Favorite Things IV

I am an alcoholic in the making. Honestly, I don't know how it got to this point but I do admit that I am willing to just drink myself to sleep every night if the opportunity presents itself.

Rarely do things ever really surprise me anymore. For a long time now, life has been a little bit mundane and honestly, my only escape would be a weekend of simple craziness with Holly, Janey and Jackie. It was during one of these weekends that we discovered something pretty amazing and quite surprising.

Another favorite thing in this world... Surprisingly Good but Cheap Alcohol.

Barcelona Brandy was a pleasant surprise. We were expecting the rough type of brandy... in my head I thought it would be another El Hombre night. My first sip, courtesy of Holly, wasn't a love at first taste experience. I thought it was too sweet and I was already drinking SMB's Apple Beer. As the night progressed and after finishing my beer, I had the compulsion to keep mixing myself a glass and that's when I realized that what I love about it was the sweetness of the brandy. No bitter taste in my mouth after every sip. It almost reminds me of the taste of caramel. The best part about Barcelona? Just 40 bucks for the small bottle (good enough to get me and Holly pissed for the night).

Can't wait for this weekend.

Someone Anxious.

Christmas Wish List II

I was never really a fan of the Blackberry until I got my own. When I got my uncle's old phone I was a bit happy and the techie side of me felt amazing. Then shit happened...

TOUCHSCREEN OF MY PHONE

...the touchscreen broke and now I'm stuck with it. After buying a new battery and upgrading the whole thing, I can't even see anything. The screen is just blank and even when I remove the battery repeatedly, nothing happens.

Yes, for my Christmas wishlist II, I want somebody to help me pay for the effing touchscreen of my phone. Please. Please. Pretty Please. PLEEAAASE!

On Bended Knees,
S. Anxious

Favorite Things III

This may surprise some people but I do like a long walk once in awhile... especially at night. There's something magical about the city at night when building lights shine bright against the dark blue sky. I always love walking around the city after a long day at work looking at the skyscrapers and thinking about the people in it. The man in what seems to be the 17th floor is on overtime again... his wife will have his head when he gets home. That woman is looking a bit parched. She's rushing to a late meeting or a lovers' rendezvous with no time to get a bottle of water. Yes. I consider walking around the city at night as one of my favorite things in this world.

Maybe in the future, when I'm old and gray, there will be another with me. His wrinkled arm entwined with mine, our what-used-to-be-fashionable clothes brushing against each other. It would be simple and we would talk about how much we love the city at night.

Comfort Zone

When I was still blogging under anxioussomeone, I wrote about finally jumping out of my comfort zone and taking risks that I believe would be beneficial to my life.

I am now in the midst of taking another risk.

I don't know what happened. I was so sure about it a few hours ago but now, a few minutes before crunch time, I feel like I can't move. I'm drugged to my chair and I can't seem to take the leap. I can't fucking take the leap and it is so annoying. I don't know if this is because of my nerves or my Gryffindor loyalty but honestly, I can't seem to do it.

I know I am extremely unhappy. I know that I would rather change and I think I'm pushing for that but there is always that risk of looking bad and the last thing I want is to be misunderstood. Honestly, I don't know anymore. Sometimes, I just feel so restless and the last thing I want is to feel like I'm doing a grave injustice to myself and everything I believe in.

Decisions are always hard to make especially when you've already emotionally invested so much.

Waiting for a sign,
Someone Anxious.

The Weight-loss Challenge

A few months ago, my sister had a challenge for me. For every two pounds I loose, I am to receive one pasalubong from her. It was a pretty simple challenge. All I had to do was loose what I thought was water weight, probably enroll in a gym and just get thin. How fucking wrong I was! After a few days of trying to control my eating, I just end up eating more than I usually would on weekends. I tried jogging, but I'd usually be too tired by the time I get home from work. Sometimes, it is just so effing hard to be healthy.

I saw myself on a full length mirror the other day (something that my dad's place doesn't have... men!) and I just realized that my image of myself doesn't match reality. Honestly, I thought I was thinner and I realized that I wasn't. I don't know if I feel like this because of the monthly reds or if I'm just overreacting to the clothes I wore but honestly, I really thought I was thinner... a whole lot thinner.

Maybe this is my reality check to finally hit the gym.

Thinking thin,
Someone Anxious

Favorite Thing II

Yes. One of my favorite things in this world is actually SLEEPING. I honestly can't get enough about it. I love to sleep and even though lately I've been doing a pretty good job of staying awake at night while hanging out with my friend. Even though I sleep for more than 12 hours, I still can't get enough of my Zs. There is a deeper reason though. I remember when everything was going wrong and nothing but sleep can make it go away. Sleeping helps me be ignorant about things and honestly, I still believe that ignorance is bliss.

Hey... if you think about it... at least I don't sleep like this:

Usually I have a blanket on.

Someone Anxious :)

Favorite Things I (inspired by Holly)

Holly had a very inspiring post about a challenge that I thought was suited for everyone. For 30 days, post one favorite thing a day. In the end, you are to have 30 favorite things that made your life a little bit more worthwhile. Yes. An exercise on appreciation and I think I'm up for a little challenge.

So here goes.

My first favorite thing describes me the most and is non other than food.

I absolutely love to eat and when I say eat I really mean eat. I could try anything from bugs in Bangkok to a slider down by the local bar. Honestly, I love to eat but I do have a special place for a good old fashioned American Burger. I grew up eating fast and junk foods.

I'm no athlete but I sure do have the appetite of one.

I've been thinking about many of my cravings and it is often with savory things. I like my food salty (occasionally spicy) but rarely sweet. I love it when I can just pig out with my friends over a 30" pizza (remember your birthday, Janey?) or some fish and chips with a bottle of SoCo. 


I do hate it though when people don't finish their food. I find so disrespectful and I am compelled to eat most of it. The other day, my officemate pointed out that I eat clean. Barely was their any rice in my plate and no sauce could be found scattered at the sides.


The things with me is that I'm a quantity eater. I don't just eat for the sake of tasting something. What would I rather choose, family sized pizza or a mozzarella cheeseburger? Definitely the pizza because it's bigger and I would feel like a champion if I finished the whole box. 


Lately, I've been thinking about my eating habits and how much I am a meat eater. I know sooner or later it will all catch up to and I think it is time to change some of my habits. Lately, I've been developing a taste for other things that I believe can satisfy my cravings and at the same time, teach me that quality is better than quantity. 


I wouldn't mind having a pear or two.


Someone Anxious

Pimp Holly's Old Laptop Challenge I

A month ago, Holly's got a new laptop from her parents and her dad decided to throw away her old one. I was finally planning to buy a cheap one when an idea struck me. Maybe I can get her old one and fix it up. With her permission (and her dad's blessing) I got her old laptop and checked it out.

Now, let me stress out that I'm no techie. I don't go and fiddle with any hardware and my idea of fixing things is to save up and get someone to fix up things. So when I finally got the laptop (which is a Compaq Presario X1000), I was totally clueless.

For a few nights a week, I tried turning it on but it kept giving me a blank screen. I went to my cousin's house and her husband (who is a computer genius/handyman) helped me out and changed my OS to ubuntu. It was okay for a time then all of a sudden I kept getting the blank screen again. Finally decided to have one of technicians check it out and told me that there was something lodged in the drive. He fixed it (for free! Good guy!) and now I have it up and running again.

First Step: Get an OS that is unusual to your sight.

A nice way to change things is to change the outside. I decided to use Ubuntu because 1.) it is for free and 2.) a tight knit support community can help you out when you have problems.

I was surprised on how easy it was to install. It was my first time to install an OS by myself last night and it went pretty smooth. Despite the fact that Holly's laptop is quite old (as pointed out by the technician) I didn't have any problems at all. Nothing life threatening or surprising. In my cousin's words: It was pretty smooth.


So here it is. My working laptop!

Feeling techie,
Someone Anxious 

P.S. As of 6pm today, experiencing some problems with it again. At times it will do the whole disk error again. After reading stuff online and talking to the technician, my diagnosis is the heat. I believe I'll have to get the fan fixed or buy a cooling pad. Anywhoo... Still hoping it is workable. :)

Some Habits Never Die.

Yes, I may be 20 but I admit, I still play with my belly fat.

 

Sometimes I wonder about the habits we build our lives upon. I'm a habitual smoker, belly jiggler and play pretender. My life, at times, constantly revolve around these three things. Then, I've come to realize that I have habits that are far more unacceptable. For example, last night, Holly called and I think I made her feel a little worse by not saying anything at all. I have this habit of shutting up and telling people that I have nothing to say when I really have nothing to say. I've come to realize that the wiser course when it comes to the point when you have nothing to say is just to not say anything at all. Time to break the habit.
~
At times I feel a little bit helpless. Recently, whoever I talk to just sort of argues with me in the end. I always feel like my points are never valid. My advice always shunned and my ideas never really that wonderful.

She: We should do this...
Me: But it wouldn't be really helpful since-
She: I think it would. A year ago we had the same problem....

Me: Wow! This is really pretty.
He: No.
Me: Why do you think so? I think it is.
He The symmetrical patterns of this is not congruent to the....

She: I don't understand this...
Me: I think it goes something like this...
She: Really? Well I think it goes something like this instead...

I do try my best. I think it gets harder with age.
~
Honestly, I just want to dance like Jagger. I just want to catch up with old friends, eat a fucking frosty and sleep my ass off. Too bad not everybody can afford a life like that and even if I did, I think I would be too proud to just be a bum. Para kanino ako gumigising sa umaga? 

Para sa sarili ko at ang mga bagay na pinaninindigan ko. 

Someone Anxious.

Sometimes in life...

...there are people you would no longer would want to be in contact with. This is totally different from those you choose to forget and this is totally different from those who you would like to be part of your life but have no means to actually connect (and at times reconnect) with them. Yes. There are people in my life that I would no longer would want to be in contact with.

She's actually one of them.

I never really liked her because out of the millions of people I've met in my lifetime, she's the most manipulative of them all. I will never forget how she made me feel like a nobody or how she'd only talk to me when she found out that I had a gift for getting top scores in every test.

Out of everyone I ever knew, she's the person who always made me feel like I was not special in any sense. In a way, she always made me feel like I was alone in a crowded room. Yes. Every time I hear Jack's Mannequin's Dark Blue, I remember her and all the times she made me feel like shit.

You say she didn't mean it?

Honestly, I know she did. She thrives in knowing the dirt to say things that can harm you. I know. I experienced it. I don't live a holy life and I do a lot of things that to others might seem a little bit risky. I don't play the good girl drinking coke behind her parents' back. I am what I am and if I hide things, it is only because I know that people might get hurt knowing what I do/know. This is what she'll never have. I am what I am and at times I will cease to care only to realize that I should. I don't give a flying fuck if he laughs at me or his friends all know. I don't care. Honestly, I don't.

That's why I'll be what you'll always strive to be.

Someone Anxious

Another Unusual Weekend Adventure.

As I hurry to Holly's house that Friday, I never really thought that I'd be spending my Saturday in her rest house at the mountains and my Sunday at her grandmother's 90th birthday.

Here's how it happened...

After having drinks with my officemates, I rush to Holly's village with a cheap bottle of brandy and coke. Holly, Jackie and Janey already had a couple of glasses and we started talking about life in general (as usual) while pouring powder onto my feet. Several courage pacts later, we were in a car giving Janey and Jackie a lift home. After dropping Janey off, we went to Jackie's house. Drank wine, ate pizza, crackers and ended at around 3 in the morning. Then went back with Holly to her place and finally went to sleep.

They next morning, Holly woke me up and asked if I wanted to go with her and her dad to meet up her mom who was at work for the weekend in the mountains... Had no plans and was just going to bum so I thought... what the hell! Got up, took a shower and got dressed. After lunch, we started the road trip. The rain wasn't that hard despite the storm signals and the weather was refreshing. It felt a little bit like Christmas and Holly and I talked our hearts out most of the time.

While smoking outside Holly's rest house, we talked about life and certain things that we miss.  We both agreed on a social pact that we're going to test out for the next two months.

Going home, my uncle called and cancelled on me. This was when Holly's mom invited me to a family reunion of sorts. It was Holly's grandmother's 90th birthday and they were having a family gathering of sorts in her Aunt's house. I decided to go (simply because I had nothing better to do until around 6 pm that day) and felt a little bit awkward with the whole situation.

After, we went to the mall so that Holly could get her haircut and met up with an old friend of our, Cat. For the longest time now, I've been trying to avoid her simply because I don't feel comfortable around her. I thought I was in for an hour of ranting and annoying conversation topics when we met up with her. To my surprise, there was nothing but sincerity and plain old catching up between the three of us.

After, I met up with two old high school friends and I've come to realize how different I am. Unlike my friends, I don't feel like going back and being young. I don't have the compulsion to wish that I was young again. In the end, we parted ways knowing that even if we feel different, talk different and act different, we would still meet up in the future.

I got home a little before midnight and had a quick Peking duck and soy chicken dinner with my dad. Took a long shower and finally went to bed hoping that I'll wake up just in time for work the next day.

Guess what?

I did.

Someone Anxious

I may be a little boyish...

...but I'm straight as hell.

I guess it's not my fault that I grew playing with boys and that my brother gave me his old toy cars to play with when I was alone.