That white dress.

I believe that every girl dreams to wear one from time to time. I certainly do. I'm a little bit bipolar when it comes to the L word. Sometimes I crave for it, sometimes I absolutely abhor it. Same goes for the W word and the M word. Recently, I've been feeling a bit put out because I've come to realize that I don't want anyone but I hate being alone. 

Is this a sign that I am undecidedly young? Maybe. Honestly, I don't know anymore... I don't know what the fucking hell do I absolutely want. I no longer want him. I am no longer searching for him. I am no longer thinking of the many others before him. 

Maybe this time around, it's just supposed to be me.

Someone Anxious. 

Random Fridays.

I believe I have this all figured out. I'm pretty sure I have. You are the most random person I know and I guess that's what I need. I am no longer 18 and hoping nor am I 20 and naive. I am 50 stuck in a 20 year old's body and that's why you feel compelled to hang out with me from time to time. I'm young enough to give you an ego boost and mentally old enough not to need you as the others (or as I previously did) do.

You are not the person I would call when I feel like I need to have a boost myself. If so, I'd call you everyday and you'd just hate that. I'll call you when I feel like there is no other person in this world who would like to hang out with me on a Friday night. Don't get me wrong, you are not my last resort. Actually, you are my first but I'm just to fucking manipulative to actually beg you to spend a few hours with me. Besides, you'll just hate that and tell everybody else about how I begged and begged for your company.

I'm past that, don't worry.

I love the fact that I am no longer compelled to have this fairy tale fantasy about you. I love the fact that I no longer think of myself as a victim. I am nothing more than but a person who likes to be with you from time to time.

I like talking to you because talking to you means more than the usual innuendos and corporate jokes. Talking to you means trying to catch up, wondering what's happening with people we both know and simply trying to understand what ticks the other person off without being frank about it.

One thing irks me though...

...Why do you keep asking about my views on having a boyfriend every time we meet?

A little bit flustered,
Someone Anxious

Me! Choose me! Remember me?

I hate the fact that you feel compelled to constantly remind people that you are happily single. Remember me? I'm the one who, after all this time, still wants to kiss the living daylights out of you. Remember now? Probably not.

You say you have an extra ticket and that it can be a trip for two.

Hoping you'll remember me.

Someone Anxious

Breakfast, Lunch and Hoping for Dinner

There's something about the way he looks at me. It tells me that he's just really friendly and that there is nothing else but that. Just that. Friendly. I hate friendly. I know it would be a weird match simply because I like it. I like weird things and I think I'm developing a taste for weird men. I think I'm also developing a taste for taken men.

Then a moment passes by and I know. Friendly. I hate friendly.


Someone Anxious.

You are officially jerk #1

Let's just say you've broken every friendship rule from here to Timbuktu. I don't know how you could actually think of doing that even when you say you've had alcohol coursing through your system. I find your brother cute but I never thought of making out with him when I had a few beers at your place almost a month ago.

How could you actually think of doing what you did? You always say you live by this moral code and that you want romance... here you are making with one of my close friends at the backseat of Holly's car right next to Janey acting like a total ass and not caring if the driver's looking because you won't get in trouble... HOLLY WOULD!

You always think that someone will clean up after you and I guess that was fine if you would actually abide by this moral code you always fucking talk about. I guess it would have been fine if it wasn't my close friend who I practically lived with in college. I guess it would have been fine if the both of you didn't try to cover it up and even had the guts to talk to me about it because finding out from someone else is really degrading.

In the long list of jerks I liked you are officially number one because unlike him, you are a pretentious and deceitful coward. At least he never pretended to be "Mr. I am Morally Upright" and never really gave a rat's ass. He's a jerk, he knows it and lives with it everyday unlike you who tries to cover up everything you've done wrong with more lies and more lines like: "I don't believe in that..." Guess what? You don't believe in promiscuity? Well, Friday night just proved that your dick craves for it.

Yes. Jerk list update and you are officially #1.

Someone Anxious

Intuition.

There's something different every time I see a vague status from you. All of a sudden I'm moved and I think, is it me? Is it her or the millions of other hers? Maybe you're just trying to sound professional? Maybe you're just trying to sound preachy. I really don't know because I've just realized that I don't know you.

I hate it when I read something you wrote and I think is this a warning? Is this a reminder of what happened? Is this about me? I hate it because I know I can no longer trust you. I can't trust you because I don't know you. I really don't.

My intuition tells me something is wrong.

I hate this feeling.

Someone Anxious

Friday Night Strangers

I met one of the cutest strangers last Friday. Then I found out he had a steady girlfriend in two countries. What a bummer. But. This stranger was the reason why I met another stranger, not the cute and fluffy type but more of the mysterious type.

He was quiet, only talking to people he knew. I couldn't really do anything because I was about to go and talking would be futile. A short wave goodbye and the next day I get a txt from a friend telling me that he seemed interested in yours truly. Me? Well, that seems a first.

Truth be told, I don't really remember what he looked like. I don't blame the alcohol or anything. I don't even blame the club and its dark corners. Honestly, I just wasn't that interested. I mean, I didn't go out that night thinking I would end up in a club in my flats with my work clothes. I just thought I'd have dinner with my college friends and have a few laughs along the way.

I didn't think I would meet him.

I do remember a few things about him. He had a very similar problem with him. Even my friends said that he reminded him of him and I felt put out because people tend to associate me only to people with the same problem. Let me get this straight right here right now. I do not intentionally like men who has the same problem as the president. I don't purposely go out of my way to like men who seem to have the first few signs of ageing. As a matter of fact, I thought the first stranger was cuter. It's just that his actions make me think of him less.

I do like the fact that I am meeting someone new. There's always a connection to the only person in the room  who smokes like you. As a matter of fact, the only problem I face is knowing that my good friend is trying to set me up with him. The randomness fail.

Supposed to meet him again this Friday. Maybe then he won't be a stranger anymore. Hopefully, this post won't jinx what is supposed to happen.

Someone Anxious

Hands.

You have no idea how sweet you are. Too bad you're taken. Seriously. I'm not that young. I think beyond my years and if you take the time to find out, I act like it too most of the time. Maybe I'm a little desperate... maybe a little too imaginative but honestly, I think if take it a little more seriously there is a nice possibility. I'm not talking about marching down the aisle or moving in. I'm not even talking about movie nights out or meeting the folks. I'm talking about spending the day (and night) wrapped in your sheets while playing footsie, pretending to watch whatever is on the telly.

Too bad you're taken.
Someone Anxious,