My sister talked to me yet again and even up to this day, I'm amazed at how I can never talk back when she is "motivating" me to do better. So now, I feel like total crap. Just crap. Just plain and simple shit. Here's how it went in a nutshell (from my point of view):
She's proud of me but I better step up. My work right now, despite the promotion and everything, is still just a dream. I'm passionate about it but it pays too little and I can do so much better to finally live on my own and stop depending on dad. So better leave the apartment, get your own place and get a better paying job.
She's offering to take me to what I like to call her 'loveland'. Go there, get my room to rent and teach if I want to. The thing is, I don't see the point. I don't want to go to a country I don't know anyone when I know I have so many more things I can do here. I don't want to live there, inside a box and have no life. Her simple life is not my dream life. I don't get why no one in my whole fucking clan doesn't understand. I don't understand why people never let you live your own life, be the best that you can be in your own terms.
I don't understand. But I guess she doesn't either. That's why she's talking to me.
Trying to stay positive has never been this hard. I know I have nothing. I know I can't always be dependent. Don't worry, I won't. Just so you know, I have a life plan and just because I don't share it, doesn't mean I don't have it. So now, despite things finally looking a little bit brighter for myself, I just feel like crap. Yes. Crap. Just plain and simple shit.
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| From: postsecret.com |
Today, after going to the chapel at my office building (and simply talking to Him), I've come to accept that people will never say the things you want them to say to you. They will never hold you the way you want to be held and they will never understand things the way you understand. To me, what is vital is that I continue to remain positive despite all the negativity. What is vital is that I continue to be open and positive to others even though I know they will never ever treat me at least 10% of the way I treat them.
My conscience is clear and I know what I want. I will do my best to be the best in what I want.
But I still feel like crap.
Crappingly yours,
Someone Anxious.
