MIA

Yes! Yes! I know I've been MIA (Missing in Action for those who don't get it). Especially to Jackie, Janey and Holly.

Recently, for some unknown reason, I've been hanging out with my college friends more than I usually do with Jackie or Janey. Holly and I tend to see each other. Sometimes, every week and other times every other week. But if I think about it hard enough, I haven't seen Jackie or Janey for months now. 

There's always that incomplete feeling when I don't see Jackie or Janey. It's a bit weird but since I'm being honest, let me try to explain...

Jackie and Janey are like parts of me. They're the close few who understands my 'language' and mindset. Although they don't always know when I'm pissed or not (since I'm always as I think, the comic relief), I still feel like a weekend is never really a weekend without them.

They're the only ones I can honestly be myself with. Janey and I have been sharing past lives, conspiracy notes, secret service secrets and other crap for the past 6 years. There's no part of me that they don't really know and I like to think I know everything about them also. And even though we don't really get together and share things in detail, we tend to inform one another about things that's happening to us from time to time.

They're the only one who gets it. My mood swings I mean. They know that I tend to be bipolar when it comes to 'love' and I can be quiet or loud depending on my mood. Still, they're the only people who I believe get's why. 

See you soon, girls!

Someone Anxious

Addicted to A Beautiful Mess

In preparation for operation: moving out, I've been scouting DIY blogs to inspire me to make my own furniture, etc. Thus, I finally went to (and read thoroughly) one of Holly's favorite blogs of all:  

abeautifulmess.typepad.com. 

I'm so inspired by the posts that I feel like doing some of her DIY projects, especially the wall art decors. This blog is my constant motivation to get my own place and stay inspired through the clothes that I wear or the things that I buy. Plus, I'm learning a lot about recycling things, which is really so not me. 

Elsie Larson is the main contributor for the blog. She's a boutique owner and designer. I absolutely love her style blog, especially her DIY projects. I'm hoping to try a couple of wall art projects inspired by her but adding my own twist to them. I also love her posts about her wedding. It was simple, very DIY and very personal. It's the exact opposite of most weddings I've been to here in this country.

She sort of reminds me of Zooey Deschanel. Maybe it's her style, or the similarities in her hair. Speaking off, Ms. Deschanel also has a blog called: 'HelloGiggles' that I think people should check out.

Cheers to more inspiring blogs (and DIY projects)!

Someone Anxious.

Mountain Weekend

Going up to the mountains with friends have always been fun for me. Holly, Jackie, Janey and I had/have a tradition of going up to Holly's rest house twice a year. And although, I never get to see them as much anymore, I eagerly wait for all of us to hang out soon.

Last weekend, Frances and our college gang finally took our long awaited trip up to the mountains. Frances' family had a great rest house over looking the lake and we had a great time looking over the city lights as  fog surrounded us. Let  me start from the beginning.

Every other Friday, my college friends and I all meet up and eat somewhere we can't really afford. Then we drink coffee at a local cafe and talk until around 3 in the morning. Of course, our parents barely believe us... who in their right minds would think that their 20 something children are out on a Friday night drinking coffee?

It was during one of these nights that some of us decided to go and plan a trip to the mountains. Frances' house was available all year round and we just decided to set a date and go. And that's exactly what we did last weekend. Those who could make it, came and we hurried off to the mountains after office hours, beating the city traffic. We got to the house at around 1 in the morning and we immediately started a game of scrabble. The next day was spent doing groceries (Iron Chef!), going around the place, horse back riding and eating at one of my favorite coffee places on earth!

Such an amazing weekend, one that I would always be happy to remember. I'm glad.

I hope you are too.

Someone Anxious

A Little Random.

Some things are just meant to be random.

I met Holly and her boyfriend after work yesterday and as the three of us enjoyed dinner at our local pizza place, we've come to a conclusion that we might not be eating there again in the near future. Service was so bad and to be honest, we're sick and tired of the food and how management treats us. I used to go there all the time because there was a manager that was nice and would really make sure that we're taken care of. Then boom. For some unknown reason, he's gone and the staff are just too busy to serve a bunch of people who look like kids.

Thus, we randomly ended up in a nearby pub. 

Scotch and tonic for a 100!?!?! Not bad if you ask me. Super love their happy hour. Beer and drinks for half the cost! Service was incredibly good and the servers were friendly. Next time, I'll be skipping dinner and going straight to the bar. 

Earlier the same day, I bumped into an old friend. Well, to be honest, he was more of an old crush. Funny how you are constantly reminded of the people you used to like. He was just outside my office building and here I was, talking to him while nursing a toothache. It was nice to be reminded of the innocence of youth. At the same time, it was nice to be reminded that you are no longer that young. I'm a little bit wiser and I know now. 

I know now.

Someone Anxious. 

A Little Parmigiana.

What I love about chicken parmigiana is that it has all the things I ever wanted in a dish. Tomato from the sauce, helpings of cheese on top and bacon wrapped around chicken. To me, it is perfect and best enjoyed with friends.

Like dinner last night.

Holly and our friend from college passed by for me as we had dinner in a nearby restaurant. It was nice, refreshing and as someone from our old group would call it, "chill".

source: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m44dr6kCcI1qfji2jo1_500.jpg

I often wonder about the people that stay in my life. Some of them, they don't really understand but they really make it a point to go out of their way and sort of try (even though at times I find quite tiring to repeatedly tell them). While others really talk to you, understand you (maybe because they know how it feels or that they are just sensitive enough to know what to say). Regardless, I'm happy that I have friends who try.

And I'm happy that I have moments like those of last night. Remember:

source: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3zqfdB8nE1qckikfo1_500.jpg

And that is why, despite everything, I am happy. I live, I long to live and I try hard to not merely exist.

Living it up until the very end,

Someone Anxious.

Short Doses of Paranoia

I was reading an article in the parlor a few weeks ago. I was waiting for my uncle to finish with his haircut when I happen to pick up a back issue of cosmo. It was all about successful women and their first jobs - What did they do and what did they learn. Every night, I wonder if one day I'll be able to do the same. In fact, I'm paranoid with not making it. I have to so that I can finally prove so many people wrong. I have to because I have to prove myself doubting self wrong. I have to because I need to and I want to.

from tumblr.

Most of my paranoia attacks have been livable. But I've come to realize that I am but a crazy one with a sober heart.  That I am a dreamer without a backbone and I am a free spirit without passion. Sometimes I wonder if being me is ever enough? I wonder if being me would finally be enough to so many people.

Wishing to shake it off (yes, listening to Florence + The Machine),

Someone Anxious

I wasn't expecting this.

What I thought was going to be a very relaxing Sunday turned out to be one of my worst ones ever.

My sister talked to me yet again and even up to this day, I'm amazed at how I can never talk back when she is "motivating" me to do better. So now, I feel like total crap. Just crap. Just plain and simple shit. Here's how it went in a nutshell (from my point of view):

She's proud of me but I better step up. My work right now, despite the promotion and everything, is still just a dream. I'm passionate about it but it pays too little and I can do so much better to finally live on my own and stop depending on dad. So better leave the apartment, get your own place and get a better paying job.

She's offering to take me to what I like to call her 'loveland'. Go there, get my room to rent and teach if I want to. The thing is, I don't see the point. I don't want to go to a country I don't know anyone when I know I have so many more things I can do here. I don't want to live there, inside a box and have no life. Her simple life is not my dream life. I don't get why no one in my whole fucking clan doesn't understand. I don't understand why people never let you live your own life, be the best that you can be in your own terms.


I don't understand. But I guess she doesn't either. That's why she's talking to me.

Trying to stay positive has never been this hard. I know I have nothing. I know I can't always be dependent. Don't worry, I won't. Just so you know, I have a life plan and just because I don't share it, doesn't mean I don't have it. So now, despite things finally looking a little bit brighter for myself, I just feel like crap. Yes. Crap. Just plain and simple shit.

From: postsecret.com

Today, after going to the chapel at my office building (and simply talking to Him), I've come to accept that people will never say the things you want them to say to you. They will never hold you the way you want to be held and they will never understand things the way you understand. To me, what is vital is that I continue to remain positive despite all the negativity. What is vital is that I continue to be open and positive to others even though I know they will never ever treat me at least 10% of the way I treat them.

My conscience is clear and I know what I want. I will do my best to be the best in what I want.

But I still feel like crap.

Crappingly yours,

Someone Anxious.

Another Open Letter: Things that I wish I could say...

...but never have the courage to.

Dearest,


There are a million things I would love to say to you. There are a million questions I would love to ask. In fact, there are a million things I wish I could say but I know I never would because I simply lack the courage to. 


I often wonder if I'll ever know. I often wonder if I'll ever get to. Honestly, I simply often wonder about you. Is it too much to ask for that happily ever after I know I'll never have? Does it even matter if I'll ever have a chance to have it with you? 


Maybe I should just continue to think of you before I go to sleep. Maybe I should just continue to hope every morning that our paths will cross again. Maybe, just maybe, someday we will. 


And when that day comes, when we finally see each other and stop midst the crowded city sidewalk, I can finally smile and simply ask: "How are you?" without hoping for a "Let's go out some time." reply.


And I hope I have the courage to say: "Sure." knowing that we never will have that night out. 


Don't worry, dearest. I'm learning. I'm learning that I'm not the only one and that there are others out there writing the same letter, hoping for the same hopes and dreaming the same dream all because of you. Don't worry, dearest. I know you know how much I'm affected. I'm learning not to be. But for this moment. Let me just say (In a very Erich Segal's Love Story kind of way)...


...I miss you, you fucking bastard. 


Always,


Me.

I'm thinking of writing a story made up of open letters. This might be the first part and I'm thinking of posting it here (Holly, remember Brighter?). What do you guys think?

S. Anxious.

Little Things.

I've come to realize that the big picture in life is always made out of the little things.

It's been a long time since I updated and here's how my days have been so far.

Friday. Dan's birthday bash. What a great time! Finally nice to see more people during our Friday Night Hangouts. The birthday boy treated us to drinks (as we had dinner while waiting for him) and some pizza. We had a great time talking about things, going around the city and finally talking about our upcoming road trip. Vic treated Jon and I to coffee afterwards and we talked our way until the morning.

Saturday. Had a couple of drinks with Holly, her boyfriend and her boyfriend's friend. Had a great time talking and drinking some good ol' spiced rum. Two of our old friends joined us and we played information poker the whole night. It was nice meeting someone new but I find it more relaxing to spend time with people I haven't seen the longest time. Nick for example. It's been almost a year since I last saw him and he still talks about my massages like it's the best thing in the world. Holly is holly of course and her boyfriend is as crazy as her. Maybe that's the thing. It's not that I don't meet anyone new... it's just that I don't want to.

Sunday. A hangover from Saturday.

Monday. *drum roll* My sister arrives in Manila.

Tuesday. Holiday. I spent the whole day shopping with my sister, my uncle and my grandmother. It's the usual shopping galore, of course. She talked about her trip and I talked about our online accessory store. Then we had dinner and I went home.

Five days and five little things. Nothing life changing and nothing out of the ordinary. No alien abductions, no world war III. Just little things that make my life a little bit more meaningful than before.

Someone Anxious.