The Romantic In Me...

...Just wanted to say:

Shout Outs.

Sometimes I just want to rip your head off. Really. I do. I see myself in one of those Ally McBeal moments in my head where I just bring out a samurai sword and slash you into little sashimi looking things. Yes. Sometimes.

~

I hope you really have a bad day. I was asking nicely and you have to go high and mighty on me. Get a grip woman, it's just an e-mail address.


~


You have to stop thinking that every song you hear can be related to her or even me. Songs are songs and I guess it's okay if you can relate to them but to just torture yourself and think that every song on the radio is either me, or her and all the hers that were before/after her... that's just plain stupid. You say you want to grow up, well you don't try so you never will.


~


Thank you. I see that you are trying to change and I'm really grateful for that. You left me behind (like everyone else) but I don't blame you because you had a legitimate excuse. I know you are trying to make up for things but just so you know... I'm not a lesbian and she's not my girlfriend. In the words of my DJ friend: "I'm so straight that if I go any straighter I might break."


~


I hate that fact that I think I love you.


~


You could be a little more considerate


~


Thanks for being there for me. I owe you my sanity among other things.


~

C'mon! I'm still waiting for your call! I don't know about the rules of this game but usually I never call back. For you, my friend, I will make an exemption. I think that it is time for me to call you... Please say your still available! Please! Please! Please!

Christmas Wish List I

Okay, so everybody's counting down the days until we celebrate Christmas! The season of giving is actually my favorite part of the year and I love walking around the city watching the lights against the dark sky. I do hope it would be a bit cold this year because the weather always adds to the atmosphere and I would love to enjoy my cup of hot chocolate while I'm buried in blankets with a Christmas sweater on.

Anyways, I've decided to post my Christmas wish list here (and the reasons why you should get me this certain thing for Christmas) one at a time here in this blog and will continue to post things that I would LOVE to receive for the holidays. For my first Christmas wish list post, I would love to get:

NETI POT

Yes! I would love to receive a Neti Pot for Christams! Sometimes known as the Nose Bidet, I first saw this in Oprah a few years back. My sister had sinus problems for as long as I could remember and as far as I know, I've been a bit nasal ever since. Recently, I've been having a relationship with the common cold and my nose are at times, annoyingly runny. I would really love to get one on Christmas to see if it could help me. I would to get my own right now but they don't sell it here.

Wishing for a neti pot,
Someone Anxious.

When it rains...

Let me just say that...

 I've been thinking about the past a lot and somehow last year really made me a different person. Holly and I always talk about how things are so different and at times, you can't help but wonder about how different things are from last year.

A year ago, I never thought I would be back crashing at my dad's place among other things. Funny how life always surprises you. No matter how many scenarios you think of, no matter how many times you go through something in your head and no matter how many time you plan things out, life still gives you a little something to surprise you and make you loose your cool.

~

Every time it rains I tend to just sit and think about what ifs and all that. You can say that I'm addicted to:

I have a lot of daydreams... or as I call them: play pretends. I'm pretty sure everyone has them or used to have them. Those little fantasies that you sort of act out alone in your bedroom when you're bored. Sometimes I think about how they've changed over the years. All of a sudden, you can connect them to real life and days play pretending to be a princess or a movie star or an astronaut are over. You now play pretend about getting that scholarship or going abroad. Things change and that's how it's supposed to be.

Changing as we speak,

Someone Anxious.

Patterns.

I can never live with this that's why I never choose you...

Some patterns I can never really stomach. Some cycles are just too much for me to live out. I've come to realize that you and her have this love - hate thing going on and when you say it is finally over, it never really is. My advice: Man up and stick with your decision (possibly honor hers).

I know it is hurtful to say but if you were coddled a bit more, I honestly think you'll turn into fluff. Life is not always filled with drama. You are not a prince on a white horse nor are you the guy next door out to rule the world. I've come to realize that it won't take you a new environment (be it school, work or another country) to make you grow up. No matter how much you try and force yourself, if you keep acting like this boy who thinks everyone will be there for you, you'll still be immature about (almost) everything.

Life is what you make it and not what others give you. If you live a life out of fear because you might regret everything in the future than you don't live at all. Then again, who am I to judge? I'm also a love sick puppy when it comes to him so I can't really throw things at you for being such.

The thing is... I've come to accept that there will be no happy ending for me. I don't think you really have. I've come to accept that loneliness is a state of mind and that whatever we do we love not to be loved but because we are selfless. Yes, to be loved... what more could we ask for? We could ask to be selfless and just love.

Things I said I'll never do but I did them anyway...

When I was younger, I was pretty sure of what I wanted in life. I bet everyone had them... those little sentences in your head that told you of who you wanted to be or what you wanted become. For example: I'm going to have a dog and name him Charlie. 

Yes, those little sentences. Remember them now? Well, I remembered mine last night as I was in transit and I've come to realize that all those things I said I'll never ever in my whole life would do... well... I did them anyway. Let me share them with you.


1.) I'll never smoke / I'll never become a smoker.
Well. Yes. I am a habitual smoker. Formed out of the habit of trying to be cool, I've become addicted to nicotine. Unlike the many men that I've kissed, a cigarette stays with you until its very end.  It will give you pleasure, help you release tension and is always there when you're alone in crowded (smoking) room.

2.) I'll never drink alcohol.
There was a time - I do admit - that I was addicted to my Taekwondo training. I was seriously in to it and if it weren't for my doctor's orders maybe I would still be. Part of the training was to watch what you intake. No softdrinks, no junk food, no sweets, no smoking and no alcohol. I honestly thought that I was going to live a very clean life. I never really thought I would develop a taste for beer, wine or anything alcoholic when I was training.

3.) I'll never work inside an office.
Yes. When I was younger, I knew (or thought I knew) what type of work I exactly wanted. I always told myself that I wanted to be in the field, never really have a desk  and be stuck there for certain periods of time everyday for the rest of my life. In short, I never really wanted to work inside an office. Now, I've come to realize that working in an office from eight to five is actually a blessing. Not to many people have a boss that leaves work at work and understands that you have another life beyond your desk. I have time to go out, watch the primetime shows, have my laundry done, play video games and all those things that I need to keep me sane in this crazy mixed up world.

4.) I'll never want to teach.
I remember this quite vividly. I was in high school, my last few months of bliss before I start over again in college and my friend told me of a saying that goes: Those who can they do but those who can't do... they teach. Back then I agreed totally, laughing my heart out. Now, I've come to realize that teaching is one of the most gratifying things in the world. Even though I'm no way a teacher, I think college made me realize that I want to be at some point in my life. Maybe that's what drew me into training to begin with.

5.) I'll never sleep with someone.
Okay, I just want to say that I'll find it hard to ever explain this without sounding explicit and very much not myself. I do admit that I'm not the good girl that some think of me but I am a good person (yes, I will say this with conviction). Growing up, you can say I was really religious and I never really thought I would stray from that. Avid mass-goer and somewhat bible reader, there was a point in my life when I said I'll never really sleep with anyone. I've changed a lot this past year and event though I still know what's right from wrong (or so I think so) this thing that I said I'll never do, I did it anyway.

6.) I'll never give money importance.
I think to really just explain this I have to say that loosing it all gives you a lot of perspective. Before, money wasn't really a factor and you can say that I lived in ignorant bliss. Things change, you loose it all and you grow up, you've come to realize that there are some ideals you'll have to forget and some accepting you have to do. Yes. Money, in more ways than one, makes the world go round and if you want to survive, you'll need it more than ever.

7.) I'll never see him again.
I've wrote it a million times in this blog, in my other blogs and in almost all of my diaries. I always said that enough was enough and I'm over it. I'm okay and through with it. Yes. Well, I do admit that even though I pledged/vowed/promised that I'll never see him again, I saw him again and again and again. Every time I do so, I keep thinking about my ideas on never smoking again and yes, it makes me appreciate a cigarette even more.

There are a lot of things in this world that I think I'll still never do and maybe I'll break them in the future. Still, I've come to realize that people change and even if they do, they're not a bad person for doing so. Maybe my 15 year old self hates me right now for everything I've done but at least my present self can say that so far, I think I'm having a lot of adventures that makes life worthwhile.

Until my next,

Someone Anxious.

Another Weekend...

I think my weekends are reserved for pigging out. Last Friday, after trying - albeit unsucessfully -  to enter the oktoberfest kick-off, Holly, Janey, a poet, Mulan (I shall adopt Holly's given name to her), her boyfriend and I found ourselves in a small bamboo filled bar. It was a quaint little place with nice decor and lighting. Music was okay, the normal ones you hear in a club, and the food was too.

PIG OUT LIST:

Friday:
Aside from the normal stuff I ate at work I had a satisfying dinner with Holly and Janey at this new Chinese restaurant near the university. Then, upon arriving to above mentioned bar, I ordered a bottle of apple vodka, t.ice, smb light, smb pale, seafood chowder soup and a scoop of ice cream. We also shared the free crab chips that came with drinks. Disappointed that I wasn't able to have my fill of cheap beer, I decided to chug down the smb light  I ordered and ended up... well... tipsy. Holly, Janey, the poet and I found ourselves in McDonalds right after we dropped Mulan and her boyfriend. My drunk self ordered a Big Mac meal with large fries and drink together with a solo order of nuggets. Afterwards, I ate McCafe's cinnamon roll and finally crashed at Holly's place.

Saturday:
After a lazy Saturday lunch with Holly and her family, we went to the mall and treated ourselves to some DQ kitkat blizzard. Afterwards, we decided to wait for Janey in the local coffee house and both of us ordered some tuna potato salad. I had a cup of coffee with mine (it is a coffee house after all). We then went to our other friend's house and drank vodka with milk (trust me, don't try it) and vodka with sprite. Ate some cereals, some chips and her dad prepared authentic curry for us together with some mini burger patties and some vegetables.

Sunday
Met up with my grandmother and uncle for our weekly shopping spree. Ate a quick breakfast in the Bee and went straight to the shopping center. Lunch was fresh vegetable roll, fried chicken, rice and a caramel bar. An hour after lunch I had one ube hopia. Finally decided that enough was enough and skipped dinner.

I seriously have to stop eating so much. I miss feeling lighter. Honestly, I feel the change in my body and I'm beginning to re-think a lot of my eating options. I should really eat more greens and fruits before I start working out.

Hoping to changer her diet,

Someone Anxious. :)

MERGE

I've decided two merge my two blogs (anxioussomeone and this one). The explanation can be found in anxioussomeone.blogspot.com.

I'll still keep "him" post anonymous and I willl still use the same names I used in anxioussomeone.

To update more soon!

Someone Anxious.

I could have been your friend.

I've been thinking about you. What else is new? I've been thinking about you for over a year now and I'm beginning to think that maybe the cards are right. They've been right so far.Around the same time last year, I was so hung up on you that I asked a friend to tell my fortune. It was all fun and laughs at first (I never really thought of it seriously) until now that I realized everything he said came true.

The reading goes like this: I am interested in two completely different men. An older man and a younger one. The older one brings out the passion in me and he will be the one I choose despite the presence of a younger man who can give me the security I crave. In the end, I will end up with no one.

True.

Sometimes I wonder about foreshadowing and how life seems like a tunnel filled with signs of what's to come. Sometimes I wonder about how I could have missed it? How could I have missed all the signs telling me I can never have you or him. Sometimes I think about that night and how nights before that were different. A million other girls and a million other nights. I was just one of them.

I've been listening to that song we both were drawn to that night and I think about how Norah Jones couldn't have put it better when she said: Yeah, you're great, you're just par of this lifetime of dreaming. I'm pretty sure I will stop dreaming of you one day. I'm pretty sure I'll get over this whole thing of feeling used. After all, feeling used is better than feeling useless and at least I know I did something (almost everything) to try.

I can't help but cry every time I hear this: Can I stay until the milkman's working? Can I stay until the cafe awakes? Do you hate me in the light? Did you get a fright when you looked across from where you lay? I was really hoping for more but not too much. More of like a respectable understanding. I was hoping to stay longer, maybe a few days, a week... maybe forever. Maybe you really didn't like what you saw and I can't blame you for that. Just so you know, despite your knobby knees, I cared.


I am like the best friend in Harry met Sally. He's never going to leave her. Yes. Accept it. Hey, at least she gets her happy ending.

Waiting for mine,
Someone Anxious

F.

Yes. I understand now. I can never ever be with you. The universe is sending me a very clear message.

Let's get over this.

Someone Anxious.

Cuddle.

Maybe I do want to cuddle after all...

 

 

Sometimes I wonder because these dreams of mine lately keep telling me that I want more than I believe in. Maybe it's the way I think there can be more despite everything that's lacking. I don't know. Thoughts of you frustrate me.

I have the ability to just choose him and forget about ideas of you. I am quite capable of getting him back so that at night, I won't feel so alone and the next time I have dinner out, I won't be alone in a room full  of people. Yes, I can just simply choose him and be in the right track with the right frame of mine.

But...

...I want you instead.
Someone Anxious.