A Random Advice from a Random Person

A very nice soul I’ve randomly met told me that there is no need to wait for you. He told me that there is no need for me to waste my time with you. I believe he told me that there is always one person for someone and if after showing you that I am here and you don’t move, you are not the one for me.

He reassured me that I am young, I am beautiful and I am myself. There is no need to fret over the idea of you because that idea is not “the one” I should be hoping for. I’ve done everything I could. The ball is in your court and you are not tossing it back so I guess that’s that.

The thing is, I never told you how much I really care or want to be with you. I never really showed you, I was never really frank with it because one of the rules you laid out was to be subtle (which I failed miserably).

Let me write it down although I know you’ll never read this or I’ll never really have the courage to say it to you. At least, in this universe it was set in stone.

I do care for you, immensely as a matter of fact. I don’t dare call it love because I sometimes don’t believe it myself. I think you’re an ass for making me look like a fool to all of them. You don’t know how much it hurt to know that you just made fun of very sincere intentions. I hate the fact that I was just one of them, one of the million girls to prove your manhood. I was sincere. I sincerely cared and if you didn’t think so little of me (as I feel you do) you wouldn’t be alone (as I feel you are not anyways) and you would have someone who really doesn’t care about age, weight, hair and everything else in between (does she sincerely care as I do?).

I am not waiting although the idea of the car you drive, the restaurant we were supposed to go to and the idea of having more constantly haunts me until no end. You have no idea how men like you make me feel so miniscule. I guess I know someone is worth my time when they do everything the opposite. I know when someone is worth my time when I don’t feel so used after.

To love and things that feel like it,

Someone Anxious

Of Cars and Restaurants.

Exactly how many cars are there that match yours? Exactly how many branches of the same restaurants you promised to go are there? Fuck it!

This weekend, I'm supposed to take a leap of faith and see if the odds are against or with me. I'm not going to talk about it outright (because I might just jinx it) but I think things will be alright. :)

Just realized this is such a bipolar post.

Someone Anxious. 

Testosterone.

Can I just say that I've never EVER been in a roomful of men like that... Honestly. I've never even hung out with so much guys all in one night.

Here's how it happened:

A week ago, Holly and I were hanging out at her place when she informed me that the Kid's brother will be throwing a surprise birthday party. Yes... yes... I know he has been sort of a (how should I phrase this?) bastard (for lack of a better term even though he really wasn't although sometimes I feel like he was) to me and our graduation celebration. Just so my other (nonexistent) readers would know, he's the one who often would make me feel rejected (not the same as the usual him, but I thought he was running second). I guess it was the way I wanted to see his place, his brother and just hang out that made me actually go. So last weekend, I slept over at Holly's and that Saturday we went to his place.

We were met by his brother and we went through the whole glad you guys are here, hurry, he's not yet here and it's good to see you too stage. Then we entered the house. To my surprise (although I did mention to Holly that this might happen - foreshadowing) the house was filled with young strapping men. Did I mention that he went to an all boys school? Yes, he did and all of his other female friends didn't go.

The ratio? Three women to approximately 20 men.Wow. Honestly, I've never really hung out with so many guys in my life. Yeah, I have guy friends but usually when I go out it would be me and my other female friends (Holly and Janey mostly)

Hanging out with them was easier than I thought. Surprising enough, I was myself despite the abundance of male testosterone. Normal self like when I went out with him a few weeks ago. I was completely just me.


The Kid was surprised and it was really nice to see him be himself. I liked the side of him that I got to hang out with. He was happy, normal, not paranoid and a whole lot of fun. He introduced us (girls) to all of his high school friends (guys) and his brother served us margaritas. Really great food made me wonder why he was so thin.

After a few drinks, a few sticks of menthols, some lewd jokes with the guys and a demonstration of how to drink beer in three gulps, some of the guests decided to go to the park nearby. It was fun, talking and hanging out by the slide. One of the guys I met during the party decided to join me in the slide and it was a bit awkward because it was like a slide sandwich. Here. Let me describe...

...At the end of the slide was their other friend (the man I dub as the Priest). I sat on top of the slide and I placed my leg forward so technically I was on the middle of the slide. It wasn't awkward yet until another friend of the Kid joined us and sat on top of the slide. He slowly slid down the slide and it became awkward because the Stripper's (what his friends call him/his now codename) crotch area was dangling right above my head.Told him he it was quite awkward and we both sort of laughed it off.

From afar, I saw the Kid having a sweet/movie-like moment with Holly and truth be told, I was fucking jealous. Yes, I still like the Kid. He's adorable but I stand by my decision. I want him to came back when he's older... when he's not scared of risks and adventures.

We ended the night with a hug and a short talent show with the Kid's puppy. It was fun and I had no regrets with going. I was also glad to meet so many people and just be myself at the same time. After all, free food and good drinks... what could be better, right?

Well... Holly told me yesterday that the Kid told her that the Stripper thought I was pretty.

It's a start :)

Someone Anxious.

Enough. (Another 'him' post)

“When in doubt, don't.” - Benjamin Franklin

Almost died when I saw him online. Finally, a chance to follow-up and ask him about his trip. The thing is, there was this voice in my head that told me that it wasn't a good choice. Even if I felt so game (after getting waxed yesterday, I felt like I can rule the world) for anything, it just didn't feel right. 

I should be sure about these things. 

Called the Fool and she straightened me out right away. No more hurting. No more making the first move that will just lead to rejection. Enough.

Well. Let's see. Really don't know what else to do. Oh well. Maybe another waxing session is in order. 

Deadline Over.

Today marks the end of me hoping for him to remember that we were supposed to go out. Oh, well. I really don't want to be that person that runs after him. Sick and tired of chasing pavements (Adele anyone?). I don't want to make him assume that I'm easy (even if I really am). Honestly, I just wanted to be special to him. I wanted to be the girl on top of his list, but what's the point? He probably has a long list of other girls wanting the same thing.

Bastard.

I hate that I love him.

I'll be celebrating his forgetfulness by getting a wax later and probably buying something nice for myself (new dress, maybe?). Not really sure if I can live with another sign from the universe that he's not in to me. I just hate feeling rejected like this. Well, it is better than being rejected outright.

Other news: Mr. Ex txted me last night. I thought he was going to ask if I'd like to have dinner again (right now, it doesn't really sound that bad) but as it turns out, he was just going to rant about his girlfriend. Ass. Honestly, can't he take a hint? Conversation topics with ex-girlfriends DOES NOT include current girlfriend/s or liaisons.. What's the point of catching up when you just repeat the same story all over again.

This is why I don't like telling him about my personal life anymore. It's either he becomes depressed because it's not him or he doesn't remember because (I honestly think) that he just cares about himself. Why is he still hung up on me? Because he will finally get what he always wanted. Did it ever occur to him about what I wanted? Right now, I'm beginning to think that I no longer want to communicate with him.

Will I honestly meet anyone worth it?

Someone Anxious.

Hoping.

I'm hoping he doesn't forget about me so soon. Honestly, I feel like I am a little too easy to forget.

Hey Julie.

The first album I bought off a record store was Fountains of Wayne's Welcome Interstate Managers. It was a pretty good investment. The album was my constant companion (I did not own a MP3 player during those days) during summer trips to some unknown place my mother picked. One of my favorite songs from the album would be Hey Julie. I constantly find it adorable and sweet. I can say, without lying, that this song never fails to make me smile.

All my life I wanted to be Julie. I wanted to be that girl who he would count the hours for just to see her face. So, I always thought that by being Julie, what more could you ask for?

With that question in mind, my friend replied: 'Someone to sing the song for...'

She's right. To have someone you can actually sing Hey Julie to is greater than actually being Julie. After all, I can be Julie, but not feel the same as the person who who would count down the hours just to see me. I now believe that to love is greater than to be loved.

I love you.

Someone Anxious.

Who said anything about love? (Crushes and Kisses)

I've had a crush on this guy for about a week and a few days or so now. I met him during my first few days in the office and the only thing I could think of was "Wow. This guy is so funny." It is quite impossible though (going out with him, I mean). After all, I'm the new kid and he's a bit older than me (yeah, what's new?). Days passed and he was so friendly to me and the other newbie that I guess you can say that we are more than acquaintances now.

A few days ago (thanks to my probing questions), I found out he had a girl friend and although I was a bit disappointed, it didn't really bother me as much as seeing his facebook wall full of comments from his ladies. Today, I passed by (I dub him) Mr. Office and he gave me a good morning high five. At first it was all fun and games but he never let go of my hand. It wasn't awkward or anything. Just really funny... Then he said that my hands were really soft (thank you hair polish... hair polish and not lotion) and my boyfriend was really lucky.

I actually laughed at this. I know he was trying to be "happy" flirtatious (he really is and everyone knows about that... sort of used to it by now), but he was just really funny and how he executed the line was hilarious.Of course, I cleared things up and said I didn't have a boyfriend. I did insinuate that whoever the bastard is, he is lucky.

Funny how the idea of a crush change over time. Somehow I think they're like kisses... the more you have one, the less special they become... the less they mean anything about love. I remember having crushes when I was younger and whoever I had one on meant that I was nearing to falling in love with him. Like kissing. When your younger, you think that the person you kiss is actually (dare I say it?) 'the one.' When you're older, a crush maybe a friend you think is pretty hilarious (Mr. Office), a guy you think you can hang out with (the Kid) or someone you think will be okay in the future (Mr. Ex). When you're older, crushes don't necessarily mean anything about love...

...and I feel the same way with kisses.

Kisses don't mean as much to me as they did before. If so, why would a peck from him mean so to me?

Does he really mean that much to me?
Someone Anxious.

Peck.

A peck is an imperial and U.S. customary unit of dry volume, equivalent to 2 gallons or 8 dry quarts or 16 dry pints. Two pecks make a kenning (obsolete), and four pecks make a bushel. - Wikipedia

To me, it's that type of kiss in the lips that makes you want to kill yourself for wanting more.

Finally over the man-less stage and was replaced by the promiscuity stage. I was with a couple of friends when I decided that I should just move on to the fooling around stage. My first victim was supposedly the kid, but apparently he was too chicken to even ride public transportation just to get to us. Then there was Mr. Ex.who I just felt like stabbing after reminding me that the night we went out should have been our anniversary. Then there was him. Yes, him. The him that I've been hating and loving. The him that ruined my life but I can't hate. Yes. Him.

After seeing him in passing a couple of times, I've decided to contact him and invite him to a celebratory dinner of sorts. As usual, I was late but he was there and he was waiting. The usual talk and it was nothing but friendly. The usual banter was there and I've come to realize that he wasn't being flirty. That was just the way he is and that's that.

Nothing really happened. Dinner, cigarettes a cab ride, a peck on the lips and a goodbye.

To me, a peck is that type of kiss in the lips that makes you want to kill yourself for wanting more.