Things you can't take back.

Sometimes, I think about moments in my life I wish I could take back. I often act before thinking my actions through and in the end I just make a fool out of myself.

Sometimes, I wish I could take back what I said to an old flame or to an enemy. Sometimes, I wish I could take back moments spent thinking about you or "what ifs" and all that jazz. Sometimes, I wish I could take back falling in love and all the pain and humiliation it caused me.

Then I realize...

...these are the things that I can never ever take back.

I can never take back the moment I told him that it was indeed possible. I can never take back the hours spent day dreaming about us and how it would be like. I can never take back that moment in my life where I engraved it in stone and said I liked you or the countless nights I spent thinking about how much it hurts.

Things you can't take back are the most painful ones because it constantly reminds us of how much it hurts.

The end of the kid.

I was never rejected but in a way I guess I was so. This is the most confusing part of it. I was into him for so long and today I found out that he will never be into me. Somehow, I feel like I was slapped on the face. The things is, the embarrassment is there and I feel as if I just want the world to swallow me whole.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really meant to be single. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that my search for love is futile.

Times like these make me want to give up on everything and everyone.

Someone Anxious.

Stories of the kid.

Sometimes I don't want to hear about it. I really don't. As a matter of fact, I really don't feel inclined to hang around when he's there. I guess people don't really understand and sometimes I don't too. It's so hard because my friends' lives are closely stitched to his and I feel like I can't have one without the other.

Honestly, I don't want to talk about him because I'm jealous of the time you get to spend with him. I'm jealous of the fact that you guys have more laughs and you guys have more fun. I'm so jealous even if I know there's nothing between the two of you. I'm jealous because I wanted to be a part of his life and I never will be like you are to him now.

Now, more than ever...

Someone Anxious.

Sick to My Stomach

I know I deserve it. I deserve this for longing you still. Is it really my fault? 

Someone Anxious.

Hurt in more ways than one.

Lately, I 've been feeling that my existence revolves around hurting people who cares for me and being hurt by people who I care for deeply. Somehow, I feel as if I can't do anything right. By being me, I end up hurting others and by not being me I end up hurting myself.

I'm sorry that you fell in love with me. I'm sorry that I am me and who I am is not what you need. I'm sorry that I do care but by doing so, I hurt you in more ways than one.

I forgive you though there is nothing to forgive. I still care by the way. I still think of you everyday although I no longer hope. I know what I was and I know what it was. It was nothing. I was nothing and since everything I thought that was something turned out to be truly nothing, there is nothing to forgive... no one to forgive but myself.

I know you still love her and she will always be the one. It hurts me to think that I can never ever be with you the way I wish. I am over him. Now, I'm hung up on you. Story of my life.

Rejection.
Hurt.
In more ways than one,

Someone Anxious.

It's not about you...

I'm not going to talk about this out loud so I'm just going to type it all here.


So I've been into someone else totally the opposite of him... He's young and in my head, I call him the kid. To cut a long story short, I realized that sleeping with this new guy (or anyone at this point) is something I really don't wish to handle right now.

And it's not because of him.

It's because of me.

I am at that point where I wish for something more than a casual night. I'm longing for something more stable and serious. I'm looking for something more stable and steady. Someone who can be there and will be there during my rainy days. In short, I'm looking for something long term.

Now, tell me, is that so wrong?

I honestly don't think so. What's wrong is me and how I can't come to terms with this whole thing. My facade is slowly breaking. For the longest time I've been telling people that I don't think relationships need love and that romance is overrated. This blog is, supposedly, my escape to this is other side of me that wants the whole ride.

The kid could have been perfect though except he did proclaim that there is that possibility that there won't be a long term thing. There is that possibility that it will only be that night and it came to me. I'm no longer interested with 50/50s. I want the whole 100 and even if I know it's selfish... I don't care. I feel like it's my turn. I don't want to risk what's left with me knowing that I will fall in love with him even if I know that there will be nothing tangible in the end.

So, when you feel like finally making that leap to the serious road...

...come back to me, kid.

Someone Anxious.

The one?

I've been hanging a lot with this good girl friend of mine and a few weeks ago we were bonding over how both of us are sort of still in love with some guy who sort of broke our hearts. Yeah. Story of your life? I'm thinking about it now and I know a lot of people who feel the same or has the same plot line as ours.

My friend and I were talking about how there are other people out there who would actually want to be with us but for some unknown reason, we still care for someone else, that someone who broke our hearts and left us to bleed in the sidewalk. The funny thing is, we seem to think that these cruel heartless men are the only ones who we could actually imagine ourselves to be with. Even if we imagine ourselves to be with other people, it would be because they would have saved us from loving these heartless men of ours.

I guess this is a whole new concept of "The One" where that person is the one who influences are lives so... not necessarily somebody we end up with or be in a relationship with but, someone who became such a moving factor in our lives.

So for now...

...he is still the one for yours truly,
Someone Anxious.