Heads We Will and Tails We'll Try Again...

Holly was such a big fan of The Calling. In fact, she absolutely adored Alex Band. She was the one who introduced me to them and eventually, to Santana's Why Don't You and I (w/c Alex Band was a part of).

Browsing through some random videos in YouTube, I've come across the song again and it felt heartwarming and saddening to hear it after a long time. Hearing it brought me back to my childhood days where we would ride the bus home and sing our lungs out to Maroon 5 or whatever song we seem to like (including Why Don't You and I). It's heartwarming because I remember carefree days and it's saddening because I know I can never have it back... I can never have my old purple room back, the rabbit wallpaper, my library, our lazy boy and the house that I wanted to get married in. I can never have it back and I think, I'll never ever come to terms with that. No matter how many times I write about it or cry about it, I can never ever have it back. In fact, I think I can never ever get over it. I'm still affected just like the way I'm affected with CSI.

I keep telling the girls that I'm so affected by Grissom and Sara (characters from CSI) breaking up. I was such a big fan and the show practically took over part of my tweenie years. I was obsessed! I was so obsessed that I suddenly had high scores in science because I decided I wanted to be a CSI (as if that's really feasible in this country).

The truth is, I'm affected not because I really want them to be together. But I'm affected because if there was one thing I was right about in this world was that they would (and they did) end up together. I was so adamant and during the days that nobody deemed me to be right with anything, Grissom running after Sara in Costa Rica made me realize that I had every right to be... right. It may not come often, but if I observe enough (I didn't want to use 'follow the evidence' - too cliche), my hypotheses can be right.

CSI also brings me comfort. It reminds me of the days when I could stay up late to watch TV on a Sunday night before school starts the next day. It reminds me of days when we would go to the grocery together (my mom, my sister and my brother) and try to finish everything before 12 so we can hurry home and watch the Sunday recap. It reminds me of Wednesday nights when my sister and I would watch the latest episode over popcorn (she wasn't a health freak then). It reminds me of a time when my brother and I had a common interest simply because we exchanged passing words over what happened to the last episode.

CSI reminds me of better - albeit past - days. Maybe that's why I keep watching it. I may never have those days again or my old purple room or the rabbits that kept my walls company. I may never be able to see the books that kept me and my library busy or our worn down beige colored lazy boy that my sister adored. I may never again set foor in the cream colored, green roofed house that had the most beautiful garden with a blue tiled outdoor area where I wanted to host my wedding party. But I still have stories of Sin City and the crimelab and how two people everyone kept telling me was wrong for each other actually ended up together (and now separating). I still have a crush on Greg Sanders and I still like bugs (just not roaches).

I don't have much and loosing it all affected me more than anyone will ever know but I still have the things that I like. So I apologize if I talk about CSI or old things that interest me too much. I'm just...

...Coping,

Someone Anxious.