Last weekend, I took a trip to his hometown so that I can finally cleanse myself of the idea of him. I know this seems crazy and such a weird way to get over someone but it worked and so far, I feel like I've done the right thing. I told everyone who asked about it that I was there to take photos of churches.
Let me explain why I thought, and still think, it was a good idea. Here's why and some of the things that happened to me:
I can't be constraint forever. Did you guys ever get that feeling that you can't go to a certain place simply because of him. You can't pass by this road because you're sure he's there or you can't go to this restaurant because you know he's there. Well, I've had enough of that feeling and I decided to go straight to the heart of the matter. I told everyone I was there for a lomo trip but truth is, I went because I just had to stop associating the place to him. I did have a pleasant trip. I rode the bus going to a neighboring town and although I did not understand what most people said during my jeepney ride going to my destination, I did meet a few people along the way. A mom and her son played as my tour guide. They went with me to the first church and even hired a tricycle driver to drive me to my next destination.
I had a lot of things to think about. I haven't been to church for awhile. I've stopped believing in organized religion ever since my experience with "All the Evil" happened. The last time I willingly went to a Church was for graduation and it wasn't really helpful experience either. Still, I church hopped around town to photograph some of the best facades I've ever seen. By the time I went to the second church, there was a wedding going on and I couldn't help but wait for the bride to walk down the aisle. It was refreshing to see someone so happy that day and for the first time in a long while, I was honestly happy for someone finding love. I wasn't bitter and I wasn't wishing for myself. As I was lighting a candle in the third church I went to, I couldn't help but think about sincerity and how sincere I am to a lot of people, even for him. I've come to accept that I fucked it all up and it was accepting that fact that I had to do. Guess what? I've finally accepted it by the way. :)
I had to kill the hope of a happily ever after. It's almost like in 500 days of summer when Tom went to Summer's party and he had all these thoughts of what should happen. I admit. The part of me who wanted to go there was hoping for that happily ever after moment. I think I finally moved on and I now know that the world does not do happily ever after. It rarely does. The world gives you real situations and by going there and not seeing him made me swallow the death of an expectation. Cheers to that!
By the time I got back to the city, he asked me if we could meet. We had coffee and as he talked about what's been happening to him and how he's sorry he had to cancel last Friday for her. As I told Holly, for the first time in awhile, I did not feel like killing him nor did I even feel remotely annoyed at him. By cleansing myself of him I was also able to cleanse myself of what it could be like if he wasn't like this or if he wasn't like that. The funny thing is, he did sort of propose and if he did this a few months back, I would have risked it all and said yes. The thing is, during the trip, I prayed to become stronger and less naive. I think God granted my wish because I stood my ground as I broke his heart and told him that it really isn't him that I want to be with. There was just that feeling that really made me say no and as people wiser than me always told me: when in doubt, never.
Moving forward,
Someone Anxious.
P.S. I'm never going to go for a Brazilian again!
