A Letter

To My Future Husband:

I'm writing this even before I met you just in case I forget to give you a gift on our wedding day. I hope you're the sentimental kind and this post-dated letter would be something you would cherish forever. I guess this letter serves as a warning just in case you don't know who you married into and I should start by saying "thank you" for saying "I do." You have no idea how long I've dreamed of this day.

Honestly, I never thought it would happen; To finally walk down the aisle and say "I do" to a person who is willing to make the same promises to me. I honestly thought I'd never get the chance to do so. After all, who would want to marry my very erratic mood swings or my over the top loud voice? Who would want to marry someone with so much emotional baggage that she has to pack it in a box and be charged extra every time she travels abroad? Somehow, I always thought that no one in this whole planet would want to spend the rest of their existence with me. I don't know how it will happen or in what circumstances it will but you came along and for some unknown reason you find my mood swings endearing, my loud voice as good as an orchestra and my emotional baggage easy to carry with your own.

I don't know how it will happen but for some reason, you were able to convince me to look beyond past disappointments and heartaches. What matters now is the present and the future and even though I know that between the two of us, disappointments and heartaches are inevitable at least I am assured that we will not rest until disappointments turn into understandings and heartaches turn into an affirmation of what we are vowing today.

Believe me when I say that there is nothing more important than you, me, today and tomorrow and the day after that and the days after that.

No longer,
Someone Anxious

Inspiration

“If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.”

- Oscar Wilde

 

I was reading a story online when I came upon this quote and for some reason it made me ponder on how long should one wait. So, how long should one actually wait?

 

People always tell me that I shouldn't really be waiting. It will come on its own hitting me like a truck on an empty highway. People also tell me that I shouldn't worry and that I have all the time in the world. Do we really have all the time in the world? We barely have time for ourselves these days... that's why fast food was invented. 

Will I be a Wilde on this and wait for him here?

Waiting,

Someone Anxious

Conversations.

Talking to him again after a long time made me realize the following:

1.) I'm not over it.
2.) I still want to be with him even if he's the ultimate jerk.
3.) I'd rather be hurt than move on.

- Someone Anxious

You Only Live Once (aka The Countdown Begins)

Three days until "Vday" and I'm quite excited.

You see, I have this matchmaking friend who hinted something to this guy I liked about going out with me on a friendly date on Valentine's. The thing is, I really don't think he'll push through so we made a wager. If he decides to contact me and invite me on Monday, my friend wins. If not, I win. The deadline: Sunday night. So far, I honestly think it won't push through.

I'm not anti-Valentine's or anything. As a matter of fact, I support it (amidst all the chaos, everybody needs a little love). Still, I'm no longer a child and I'm not really expecting anything. Truth be told, I'm not really a believer of the whole "love is all about rainbows and butterflies." I know real relationships need more than just affection. Real relationships are all about trust and commitment. Something I feel I'm ready for but the world seems to think so otherwise. Despite so, I continue with my journey because I know, deep in (what's left of) my heart, he is out there and he is thinking of me.


As I've told my friend, the fool: "There will always be someone else. Don't loose hope on finding someone who can top the last one because that person your searching for is probably searching too. If you stop searching for 'him' then there will come a point he will get tired and stop searching for you too. Maybe the secret is not getting over someone. Maybe it's all about accepting how much you care about someone..."

I may not be over him totally. A part of me still long for him and still think of the "what ifs..." A part of me still cry at night and some parts of me tell me I can still forgive him.

But I know my journey is not about him. My journey is about... well... me.

Still writing,

Someone Anxious.

Some people think...

... that I am worth something. The thing is: those people I deem worth it doesn't really make me feel like I am.

Will that always be the case?

It has been proven that first impression wise, I am physically attractive. Still, sometimes I feel like I really am not worth it. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not really worth anything. Maybe there's something wrong with my attitude? Maybe I am a little bit too edgy. Maybe I do come out too strong? Maybe... I am still thinking about you and how much I still care.

Valentine's will be coming soon and I know I won't get the bouquet I always dreamed of or the pack of chocolates with a red ribbon tied around it.

Yeah, I admit. I want it. I want the big gesture. I want the colored flowers that will most likely die in a week together with the sweets that would not help my diet at all. Yes. I do agree with you... I am a hopeless romantic.

Speed Dating

Will go speed dating soon and I'm terrified and eager all at the same time. What do you actually do in speed dating?

I admit. I've only been on a handful of dates my entire life. Most of the guys I went out with turned out to be total jerks and I just end up making a fool of myself for thinking it was actually something "nice".

So does this mean that I would experience the same or will I experience the opposite? I really don't know.

I admit, the only reason I know about speed dating is because of the movie 'Hitch' and because of this episode of 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' (Do you guys still remember that?). I'm beginning to think that I might make a fool out of myself again simply because I won't know what to do there.

I know no one really reads this blog (I don't know if I'm happy about that or not) but I guess I'm going to just ask in case anyone would be willing to share their knowledge.


Does anyone have any pointers for me on with this speed dating thing?

In need,
S. Anxious