Rant: When one gets sick...

It's funny how sickness trumps everything else.

Just to clarify, I'm not sick. I'm actually in good working conditions right now. Last night, I had a great time with my uncle, supporting him in his fashion show. I was able to meet his friends and a celebrity here in the city (Clue: He owns a make-up chain). Today, I finished everything I had to do (well, what I remembered to do).

Then I received a call.

My brother, living quite far if I do think so myself and thus, I officially categorizes as an absent family member of sorts finally took the liberty of informing my dad that he's sick and in the hospital. I think, to make much sense to this, I have to write about the state-of-the-nation between my family (or what's left of it).

It all started last Tuesday. My aunt informed my dad that my brother was sick. He had a fever and decided to get himself tested in the hospital. What ticked me off was that he called my cousin (who is in the states FYI) about it. This might not make sense if you don't know me at all but the short explanation is that they work together in the same bank. So practically, they go to the same office. But my brother, who he himself likes and admits, is a bit out of touch. Yes, he didn't know that our cousin is in the States right now and opted to call her so that he can be brought to the hospital.

But since my cousin is in the States, it launched a series of unfortunate events.

My cousin called my aunt (her mother and technically, my land lady). My aunt went to my dad (we all live in the same area) and informed us that my absent brother was sick. This might not seem quite unfortunate, but when you're living in the same situation as I'm in, trust me, this is the last thing you want.

Now, I just find my brother's initiative stupid.

I don't know about you, but we have one "rule" (which is really more of a norm but this is not the place to discuss academically what is culture) and that is to take care of your own family... My cousin, just brought my aunt to the hospital a week ago (which was an added stress to her) and did not, in any way bother my dad or I (until it was absolutely necessary). Now this, is quite a little bit back to normal.

Am I getting through?

Point is, you don't call a cousin or an aunt to help you out when you're in the same situation as we are. You call Dad because he's your dad. He should even call me because I'm his sibling and I think direct relation weighs heavier than first degrees.

Anyways, I called my brother and handed my phone to my dad. That's the only time my beautiful absent brother finally decided to talk to him and inform us about his condition (which at that time, was just fever and he assured us that he was okay). We went on with our lives because that's what we do. In fact, that's what he does best.

Then my dad sent us a message this afternoon that my brother was confined to the hospital. He's stable but it just so happened that he had dengue. I called my dad, set a schedule and we both decided to visit him tomorrow early morning so that we can finish whatever we're doing tonight and focus tomorrow. Seems sound? I thought so too.

My sister didn't think so though.

As if she was here geographically, she set me a mirage of text messages on what to do. I call her to inform her what Dad and I planned and 'lo and behold I get a verbal slapping session.

"Why can't you just go there!?"

"I'm booking a flight home and you won't even go there when you are just a couple of cities away!?"

"I don't understand! Have you even called him yet? Don't you even care?"

"Wouldn't you want us to visit when you are in the hospital, confined?"

"Where is your sense of family!?"

I swear to whatever god or gods are out there, I have never been this angry. Sister dearest, how dare you tell me about my sense of family! I have done nothing but give everything to family. From sacrificing everything for my grandmother, uncle and mother - even staying with her until the very end; From staying with Dad, my aunt and my cousin - because their family and that's where I should be; From doing something and putting your dreams on hold - because in this family, dreaming isn't cost effective; From giving every inch of an extra penny, every ounce of blood, sweat and tears because of family. I swear to god, if I have a fucking wrong sense of family, then maybe I should just jump off a building!

If I was confined, wouldn't you want to visit? Fuck this! I was confined. I was sick to the bones. In fact, I've been in and out the doctor's office for the past six months! Who did I call first, my dad. I asked help from the person's whose responsibility is to help us in the first place.

Tell me, my family-oriented sister, who is the one talking to our insensible grandmother? Who is the one taking care of her, visiting her every week and even buy her requests? Who is the one keeping our dear uncle sane, supporting him and giving him every bit of extra I can scoop? Who remembers dad's birthdays, arranging everything for him and making sure he takes his meds and eats healthier? In fact, who texts and calls our dear absent brother even though we both know he will never reply or texts?

Tell me, my family-oriented sister, when was the last time you looked at our grandmother and actually talked to her without rolling your eyes? When was the last time you talked to our favorite uncle and asked him really how he's doing physically and emotionally? When was the last time you gave dad something he really wants (and your monthly contribution doesn't count because we all do that)? I may be here for the good times, but trust me when I say that I'm also here for the fucking, dirt-poor, agonizing ones. Remember? You left! You fucking left and I had to catch all the crap.

Never insinuate that I have no sense of family because I have done everything to keep ours a working semblance of one. If you think I have no sense of family, then there's one reason why I should just give up on ours.

Now I truly see that Holly was right. Maybe, this is more reason for me to be more adamant to not have one.

Obviously Ranting,

Someone Anxious

Missed.

I often wonder if I am missed.

I write about so many things I miss and now, I can't help but think if anyone really truly misses me. It's hard being left behind at times. Everyone's got someone (is that a song somewhere?) and at times I feel as if I'm downgraded to number 2.

I don't mind.

I mean, I understand... I understand that love is stronger (isn't that what I write all the time here?). I understand that it's the natural course of things: to be moved to number 2. I guess, as number 2, I try really really hard to be there for people. To fill my days with catching up, meeting up and getting along. I try to keep busy, not take any offense and make the most of being left behind.

It's not that lonely, I realized. But there's that feeling of wanting to be missed that nags you late at night.

I told a friend on mine, over a cup of yogurt, a few weeks back that I've been running. I've been running as far away as I could so I  can forget about the things I want to forget and not remember about the situations that happened. I keep busy, tiring myself out with work or keeping myself out from home. I drink (or act drunk at times) to pretend to be happy. I tell happy stories, eat the most bizarre of foods and pretend to fail jokes because I want it all to go away at night when I'm alone in bed thinking about an old room, an old house, an old life and even an older lover.

But that's the way things are supposed to be... that's the way it is because everyone has something or someone. They have their own lives to live and I cannot expect them to be there, to cry with me after so much time has passed. I am but a percentage of what people can or cannot give. At the end of the day, we're all just part of an emotional statistic.

I'm not bitter... I'm not sad. I'm just here.

People tell me to take risks, to do what I want to do, to pursue this and to pursue that... but can I really? Honestly? Can I? Reality comes to haunt me every month. I have bills to pay, people to take care of and things to settle. Sometimes, I wish these people can understand what it really feels like to live in the 'real' world. I'm sick and tired of people saying how grown-up they are when in fact, truth is they're not. Only a few people I know understand and that's probably because they went through the same things...

...they were hungry, once, like me.

...maybe they just want to be happy, like me.

...possibly they just feel missed, like me.

Me,

Someone Anxious

Burst and Bloom

To Someone Out There Who Will Feel Incredible Pain After Reading This:

It's funny how a person you used to love tend to disappoint you still.

It's funny how said person ignores you now but back then you couldn't stop talking to each other.

It's also funny how said person won't give back your belongings after borrowing and promising he'll give it back in mint condition.

It's just funny because regardless of whatever happened and whatever is currently happening in your life (and I assume in other people's), you have no right to be so disrespectful. I find that not replying to me because you apparently "forgot" that something your using belongs to me is so disrespectful. It's not about what you borrowed, it's how your acting like a 4 year-old wishing you won't be caught (that's the vibe I feel).

So please, Mr. Can't-You-See-I'm-Over-You-Coz-I'm-With-A-Better-Girl, reply to my messages. It would be nice also if you return my item. If you don't, then I hope you can just fuck it! Here's to you being a good example to her kid.

Sincerely,

Someone Anxious.

PS. There's a secret message somewhere up there.